unexpected turns
by nikalex
Summary: A new mission comes in and Alex is the only one who can save Michael and Nikita, but what happens when untold secrets come to the surface? Is Alex going to change side and join Amanda and Percy or she is going to manage and handle the painful truth? I will always appreciate your reviews and comments!
1. Chapter 1

full summary: It is set after Alex has been cleared as agent. A new mission comes in and Alex is the only one who can save Michael and Nikita, but what happens when untold secrets come to the surface? Is Alex going to change side and join Amanda and Percy or she is going to manage and handle the painful truth? I will always appreciate your reviews and comments!

and I don't own Nikita.

* * *

" So what is the lesson today?" Alex asked taking her baby blue eyes away from the window in order to look at her mentor, who was putting a mat in the middle of the loft so that the two women can practice their fighting skills.

It has been only one day since Alex was cleared as agent. But Nikita was too worried to let the day pass calmly. She knew that now Alex is going to be in more danger and the missions will be more difficult and she needed to make sure that her protege could survive the real world.

" Hands to hands combat" Nikita said calmly and she stepped up from the floor.

" Are you still thinking of Tom?" Nikita asked worried when she noticed the sadness rising behind Alex's eyes.

" I would like to keep my thoughts private, Nikita" Alex replied coldly.

She didn't want to talk about Tom. He was her friend, he was falling for her, and she was falling for him, they had an affair and that was a secret, Nikita didn't know about that. Alex knew Nikita's opinion about relationships inside Division, so she kept her in the dark. She didn't want to fight over that with Nikita, it wasn't her business. Alex hadn't planned that, but when she kissed Tom in order to pass Nikita's medication to her and save her life, she felt that something had changed inside her. But like everything else in her life, it didn't work like she wanted and she killed him in selfdefence when she helped Nikita to escape from Division.

" Alex, it wasn't your fault.." Nikita started but she was cut off by Alex.

" Can we finish with the practice, please?" Alex asked trying to avoid the conversation.

" If this is what you want" Nikita replied and looked worried at Alex. She didn't want to press the girl to talk about that.

Alex nodded and made her way to the fighting area, she looked at Nikita and the two of them started fighting.

Nikita tried to punch Alex's face but she avoided that easily and she slapped softly Nikita's face, then Nikita kicked Alex's stomach and Alex had to step back in order to catch her breath. Nikita attacked again and again and Alex was blocking Nikita's attacks all the time. But she was all the time in defence, she didn't attack her.

" Come on Alex" Nikita shouted frustated with the younger girl who denied to play the game and finish the fight.

" I know that you can do better than that!" Nikita continued trying to pull Alex's leg from under her unsuccefully.

This continued for about 10 minutes when Nikita shouted angrily " Enough!"

Alex straighted her body and she went to drink some water, but she stopped when Nikita started to shout

" What the hell is wrong with you? Why you are not fighting back? You want to get yourself killed?"

Alex looked back at her with a look of disbelief.

" Don't look at me like that Alex. You can't trust Division that it is going to have your back." Nikita continued angrily. " Now, tell me what is wrong" Nikita ordered.

" I don't think that you want to know" Alex replied softly. " Just let's finish this battle" she added because she didn't want to continue this conversation and she walked back into the training area but before she could say anything Nikita had taggled her and she fell on the floor hardly releasing the air from her lungs. She was breathless and in shock, and she was trying to catch her breathe again when she felt Nikita's knee in her stomach. She tried to get out of that painful grip but she only managed to make Nikita put more pressure in her stomach and causing her more pain.

" This is cheating" she gasped and she looked up to see Nikita's eyes full of anger.

" You can't trust your enemy that he is going to play with the rules" Nikita replied softly and pressed her knee to Alex's stomach to give some emphasis in her words.

" Tell me what is wrong" Nikita ordered and she released some of the pressure by letting her weight to her other knee which was placed near to Alex's place on the mat

" Nothing" Alex replied calmly " can you please get off me now" she added

" You know that I can kill you right now, right here" Nikita said coldly and caught Alex's throat and turned it to the side causing Alex more pain.

" Yes, I am pretty aware of your skills" Alex said and closed her eyes in an attemp to keep her emotions and pain under control.

" Then why you don't fight me?" Nikita yelled at Alex and pressed her knee to her stomach making Alex to let a little scream of pain.

" Out there Alex, you are going to be alone, you will have to protect yourself from everyone, from Divison, Amanda, your enemies, even from me. I can't be there for you Alex, I can't take care of you without getting you killed." Nikita said calmly with a worried voice.

That was it. Alex couldn't keep her feelings anymore. She suddenly grabbed Nikita's wrist from her throat and she knocked Nikita out of her with her leg, then she twisted Nikita's hand behind her back and she kneel down slowly and she placed carefully her knee on Nikita's back. Now, Nikita was down on the floor and Alex had the control. Nikita tried to look at Alex but she couldn't turn her head enough, so she tried to get rid of Alex's grip but she failed. Alex twisted Nikita's hand a little more causing a certain amound of pain to her mentor in order to make clear to her that she was in control now. And Nikita knew that she had lost this time, so she stayed still.

" I don't really like that so don't push me because I think that you don't want to gain a dislocated shoulder" Alex warned

" You won. Now get out off me" Nikita said in shock. She hadn't seen Alex like that before. Alex was good and she had won Nikita before but she had never threatened Nikita before.

" You started that Nikita, if you want to chat while you are in complete control, there are consequences. So let's chat" Alex said

" I will only say that once, don't try anything stupid" Alex said and she put some more pressure in Nikita's back.

" Oooh. Ok. Ok." Nikita shouted.

" Good. I don't need you to take care of me, I don't need you to come and rescue me. I don't need a nanny. I can take complete care of myself. You came back in my life one year ago and until then I was taking care of myself. You weren't there to help me before, you weren't there to take care of my bruises and cuts when I was being punished and I was left almost dead by the beating, you weren't there when I was tortured, you weren't there when Vlad tried to break me and got me addicted to drugs, you weren't there when I had my withdraws when I was still a sex slave, you weren't there when I had my fucking nightmares before, you weren't there when I was abused and raped again and again in a daily bases for years, you weren't there when I was homeless, but I survive! So don't tell me that you aren't going to be there because you never were before. I can take care of myself. I am sorry that when you found me I wasn't as well-being as you wished in order to wash your guilt, but I survived, Nikita. So stop telling me what I need to do to survive because damn I already know what I have to do. I killed my lover yesterday because I had to survive and take you out of there. So stop telling me that I need a nanny because I DON'T. What I need is you to believe in me. I can survive with or without your trust, but I could not handle my worry for you if I think that you might get yourself in trouble just because you don't trust me enough" Alex said coldly

" Alex..." Nikita tried to say but her voice was shaking and her eyes were full of tears. Alex's outbrust had affected her. She was really worried about her friend and she was hurt to hear her words.

" And, I didn't fight back because I didn't want to hurt you. I have already harmed someone that I care about and love in the last 24hours, I didn't want to double them." Alex finished and let a tear to fall and she slowly released Nikita and she stepped back so that the older woman could stand up.

Nikita was about to say something when Alex's phone rang and she froze as Alex went to pick it up.

" Hello?" Alex said

" Alex. " a female voice answered.

" Amanda, what can I do to you?" Alex said trying to control her temper and looked at Nikita, who was standing still in the floor with her eyes widen in shock.

" A new mission came up, I will debrief you" Amanda said

" Ooh, come on, Amanda give me a clue" Alex said

" Fine. Percy wants you to lead the search for Nikita, and I want you to seduce Michael" Amanda said calmly.

" What?" Alex asked in surprise.

" You sound surprised Alex" Amanda mentioned.

" I am surprised Amanda" Alex said.

" Then come in as soon as you can and I will answer all your questions" Amanda replied and turned off the phone.

Alex hang off and looked her cell phone confused. What the hell was wrong?

" What's wrong?" Nikita asked and approached her friend

" I don't really know. But I think that you are in big trouble" Alex said and she turned to pack her things and go to Division.

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked confused

" I will debrief you as soon as I get debriefed" Alex replied calmly.

" Can we just talk?" Nikita asked and put an arm on Alex's shoulder

" We will talk when I finish with Amanda. Your safety is more important" Alex said and started walking away from Nikita without looking back.

" Be careful" Nikita whispered and sat down to her bed. She was emotional exhausted. She didn't know about Tom and she didn't want to push Alex. She just wanted to be sure that she is going to be ok. And why Alex was so confused after her chat with Amanda? _I need to fix that, i need to talk to her_ she thought and she left some tears to fall down.


	2. either too good or too bad

After a half hour Alex was driving her way to Division. She had to have to return to her appartment,take a shower and dress herself properly for a meeting with Amanda. But she was really worried all the time. She needed to get debriefed immediately. Something was clearly wrong because it was unexpected to be cleared for such an important mission, taking down Nikita. She was agent only for 1 day. What Amanda had in mind?

Alex was finally there...out of Amanda's door. She hated that room, she didn't want to spend a minute in it but she had to. She took a deep breath and knocked the door.

" Come in" she heard Amanda's cold voice coming from the inside.

She slowly opened the door and entered the room, she looked up to Amanda, who smiled and gestured her to have a sit opposite to her. She obeyed immediately. She reminded to herself that she needed to stay calm and control her feelings, but after the previous outbrust that she had with Nikita, that was a quite difficult task. She was still upset.

" How are you, Alex?" Amanda asked worried. She knew that Alex was the perfect one for the mission but she had to make sure that she was ready for it, she had just killed her friend.

" I'm fine. Thanks" Alex replied calmly. She couldn't let Amanda in and she knew that.

" You look exhausted" Amanda mentioned.

" I didn't sleep well last night" Alex said coldly.

" Alex? Are you ok? Do you need some time to get over Tom's death?" Amanda asked nerously.

" No. Amanda. As I said before I am fine" Alex said and gave to Amanda a small smile.

" Do you want to talk about it?" Amanda continued pressing the girl opposite to her.

" I don't have something to share. I did what I had to do. Tom was Nikita's mole" Alex said sadly.

" If you need to talk about it, I will be here" Amanda reassured Alex

" I know that Amanda. Thank you." Alex said and smiled.

" Now, I think that you are ready for your next mission" Amanda said and Alex nodded

" I am listening" Alex said

" As you already know Nikita tries to destroy us. She hates us and she won't stop until she sees us all dead. We had a team working to take her down but they failed. Percy wants you to take charge of this team and try take her down" Amanda said and paused in order to study Alex's reaction.

" Why me?" Alex asked in shock.

" Because he thinks that you are the only one who had made clear that your loyalty lies with Division. When you killed Tom, you automatically made yourself a target of Nikita. You killed your friend in order to protect us and this is more than enough to persuade us that you are on our side." Amanda replied softly.

" What do you think, Amanda?" Alex asked and caught Amanda out off guards.

" What do you mean?" Amanda asked in shock.

" It's pretty obvious that you don't trust me. So why me? Unless it is a suicide mission, I don't find a reasonable answer to why you want me to take this mission" Alex said calmly.

" Ooh. I see your point. No it isn't a suicide mission. And let me correct you, I didn't trust you but I trust you now. I want you to take that mission because I think that you are the only one who can take down Nikita. You remind me of her. You are strong and brave and kind and stubborn like she is. You are like her but you are on our side. We need a Nikita to take down Nikita. You are as good as she is. You are talented and you can take her down." Amanda said softly and stepped up in order to take a sit next to Alex and placed an arm in her shoulder.

" What changed? You interrogated me, you tortured me, you drugged me but you still weren't persuaded that I was loyal to you. What changed?" Alex asked suspiciously.

" You killed Tom,Alex. You killed your friend because he was the mole. I know that you don't like killing but you pushed yourself to the edge in order to protect us. You can't do that if you aren't loyal. If you aren't completely loyal to us, you woud have let him run with Nikita. But you didn't. Yes, you might have your secrets and I am not going to press you more over that, you will tell me when you are ready, but you are loyal and I can't be blind to this." Amanda said and looked at Alex when she noticed that she had left a tear to fall down to her cheek. Amanda used her thumb to wipe it out.

" It's gonna be alright" Amanda told her

" I know that I did what I had to do but it hurts" Alex admitted.

" So you are with us in that mission, Alex? Do you want to take down the person who corrupted your friend?" Amanda asked

" Of course" Alex said and looked directly into Amanda's eyes.

" Good. Tell me what you need and you will have it. You are going to meet your team this afternoon" Amanda informed Alex.

" Let me think... Well... I need everything you have about Nikita. Her files, her missions, her reports, her medicals results, anything" Alex said and tried to play her role as good as she could.

" Anything else?" Amanda asked and looked at Alex happily to see that she wasn't like Nikita, that she wasn't going to betray her like Nikita did.

Alex didn't answer but she looked at Amanda.

" You can tell me, Alex." she reassured her

" You aren't going to like that" Alex replied softly.

" Alex.. tell me" Amanda ordered.

" Fine. I want the tapes for your sessions if that is ok with you and a psycological evaluation from you" Alex said and turned her face in order to look at the floor.

" Anything you need" Amanda repeated and added " Why did you hesitate?"

" Amanda!" Alex pleaded

" You can tell me" Amanda said

" I can see that you are hurt by Nikita's actions. It might be difficult for you to work over Nikita's issue" Alex replied

" I am hurt and yes it will be difficult. But I had you now, Alex" Amanda confessed

" What?" Alex asked in surprise.

" Don't look so surprised. I had Nikita like my daughter but she betrayed my trust. When you came in, I wanted you dead because you were just like her but when you shot Tom I realised that you aren't going to betray me. I will have your back like I did with Nikita, but now I am pretty sure that you will have mine too." Amanda said and smiled to a confused Alex.

" Now back to business" Amanda said. " We want you to seduce Michael,too" Amanda said and caused Alex to step up in shock.

" What?" she shouted to Amanda.

" Relax, Alex. Let me explain. We think that Michael might change side and join Nikita and we want to prevent that. We have noticed that he might have a crash on you. He had a crash on Nikita in the past. We want you to seduce him and learn his intentions, we want you to make sure that he is going to choose you over Nikita. It's an easy mission Alex" Amanda said calmly.

" We are talking about Michael!" Alex said.

" If you don't want to do it, I will put Jaden to this. It's your call" Amanda said.

" Can I give you an answer later, Amanda? I want to think." Alex asked innocently.

" Of course, Alex. Take your time. And I have to inform you that you have been promoted. Your level of clearance is equal to Michael, who is second in command. And Percy wanted me to ask you if you want an office inside Division" Amanda said

" EEhhh? What? No, thanks. If my mission is going to be Nikita, then I want to work from home. Nikita hated that place, I don't want to end up like her" she replied. _what the hell has just happened? _she thought.

" She is going to come after you Alex. It's too risky" Amanda replied nervously.

" she would like to kill me, yes. But she would like to win me first. When I captured her last time, I realised that I would be in big trouble but I can tell that she is not going to be satisfied if she just executed me in my apartment. She wants to fight me and win me, she wants me to pay for what I did to her plan. She might come to my place but she isn't going to come to take me down but she is going to be there to chat with me or warn me or something like that. It's my term in order to take this mission. No more hiding."

" As you wish, I will have a team transferre Nikita's files etc to your place. You can come to Division whenever you want. Michael is going to meet you in one hour in his office in order to explain you how your new level of clearance works" Amanda said.

" Amanda?" Alex said

" Yes, Alex?" Amanda asked

" I want to work alone. We don't know where the others inside Division stand and I don't want to compromise the mission" Alex said softly_ that is going to buy me some time _she thought

" Of course, Alex." Amanda said and nodded.

" Are you ok?" Amanda asked worried when she noticed Alex's face

" Yes, just confused. Too many informations and unexpected turns." Alex admitted. She was an agent only for 1 day but she was just promoted and had access to everything and everyone like Michael did, who was inside Division for years. She was asked to take down Nikita and seduced Michael. She was the mole! but she had earned everyone's trust. This could go really good, or really bad.

" Amanda, what exactly do we want with Nikita? We want her to turn again and join us, capture her alive or kill her?" Alex asked. She had to know what her mission was if she wanted to protect Nikita.

" Whatever we can. First, you will try to make her turn to our side, then to capture her alive and if nothing is working killing her is our only option" Amanda replied calmly.

" Oook. I think" Alex said. She was so confused.

" If you need anything, call me or come visit me. I will have Nikita's evaluation by the time you leave Division. The team is already headed to your apartment. Now go. Michael will be waiting for you" Amanda said.

Alex did as she was told and she exited the room. _PROBLEMMMM! How am I supposed to work this out when I am the mole? This is going to turn either too good or too bad!_ she thought and she sighed softly. She put her thoughts together and she headed to Michael. She needed to finish this soon and contact Nikita.


	3. what have I missed?

She was pacing down the halls inside Division heading to Michael's office. She felt so powerless and confused. Every single hall that she passed, it reminded her of Tom. She killed him and now he died like a mole, like a traitor. When she, the real traitor, was being promoted. She felt pain but she couldn't show that, she wasn't allowed to be human inside Division. Finally, she was there, outside Michael's office. Michael, the only friend that she had left inside those grey walls, or might not? Amanda had asked her to seduce him, to take advantage of his trust. She didn't want to do it...She stopped and took a deep breath before she knocked the door.

" Come in" Michael said when he heard a soft knock on his door.

" Hi, Michael" Alex said sadly and she entered the room.

" Alex! How are you?" Michael asked and he gestured to her to have a sit.

" Good" Alex replied sadly.

" You know that you don't have to lie to me, Alex. I can tell that something is bothering you. It's Tom, right?" he asked worried.

" It hurts" Alex admitted to him.

" It gets easier, it was your first kill" Michael reassured her.

" I don't want this to get easier Michael. I don't want to lose my humanity at all. He was my friend!" she said honestly.

" I am glad to hear that. You are a good person, Alex" Michael said.

" Thank you, Michael. Emmm.. I am sorry but can we finish with the business part because I have to return to Amanda?" Alex asked hesitantly.

" Of course. Well, Percy gave you clearance of A level in order to help you get Nikita. That means that you have access in everything and everyone as long as Nikita is involved. Even Amanda answers to you when it comes to Nikita. If you need anything you only have to ask someone to get it done for you. No questions asked. You reply only to Percy. It will be good to keep Amanda informed too, you don't want to piss her off. I am under your commands when Nikita is involved. But I have to warn you, you already have enough enemies inside Division, who would do anything to take you down, so keep a low profile. And good luck with Nikita." Michael said and smiled.

" Michael did you just threaten me?" Alex asked in surprise.

" No! hell no, Alex!" Michael shouted at her. " I was talking about Jaden, Amanda and everyone else who thinks that you hide something or is jealous of you." Michael added.

" Why someone should be jealous of me? I have nothing, no family, no normal life, I was a sex slave and I killed my best friend!" Alex pointed.

" Some people love the power, Alex, and you have a lot of power. You came in 6 months ago and you are giving the orders now. None has ever done this before" Michael stated out.

" Power isn't everything..." Alex whispered.

" I am glad that you think so, but not everyone has the same opinion. You will be fine, Alex. Don't worry. I have your back." Michael said.

" Thank you, Michael. See you tomorrow" Alex said and left the room.

She had to go back to Amanda to pick up the evaluation and then she could go home and talk with Nikita.

* * *

Back at Amanda's place...

" Hi, Alex" Amanda said calmly.

" Hi. Do you have the report ready?" Alex asked

" Of course" Amanda said and handed Alex an envelop.

" Are you ok?" Alex asked nervously.

" Hahaha! Are you trying to evaluate my emotional state, Alex?" Amanda asked curiously.

" No Amanda. This is your job to do. I am just concerned." Alex replied coldly.

" Do you really think that I don't care and I just do my job?" Amanda asked calmly. She knew that she was being hard with Alex but this didn't mean that she didn't care at all.

Alex didn't respond, she just looked directly into Amanda's eyes.

" Alex?" Amanda asked again and she stepped up to face the younger girl

" You know my answer to this question, Amanda" Alex replied coldly. She knew that she was playing with fire but she couldn't back off, now. She had to stay cool and fearless and face her nightmare.

" Just answer my question, Alex" Amanda ordered and stared at Alex, studying her features.

" Yes. I think that you don't really care" Alex replied softly.

" I do care, Alex. not about everyone, but I do. I care about you, believe it or not" Amanda said

" I have a hard time believing that you care about me but ok, whatever" Alex said as coldly as Amanda usually was with her.

" Now, are you ok?" Alex repeated her question.

" I am fine, but why do you care?" Amanda said

" I care because I know how it feels to be betrayed and because I can tell that you are not a great actress, your eyes give you away." Alex commented.

" Nikita's files etc are in your house already. If you need anything just call me" Amanda said and took a sit.

" Thanks. I call you later to inform you about the seduction mission. If you need anything, you can call me." Alex said and left the room.

" I care about you, Alex. I really do" Amanda whispered to herself when Alex closed the door behind her.

* * *

One hour later Alex was in her apartment wearing sport clothes, reading Nikita's recruit file and waiting for her mentor to show up. She had already sent her a message to meet her in her apartment when she came back and she was glad to hear the knocking on the door. She left Amanda's evaluation on the table and ran to the door. She opened it and she was glad to see Nikita standing in the hall.

" Why it took you so long?" Alex said and smiled

Nikita didn't answer, she pushed Alex inside the apartment and she hugged her toughtly.

" What's wrong?" Alex asked confused. She wasn't used to an emotional Nikita.

" Nothing. Your outburst this morning...it's nothing" Nikita said softly.

" We can talk about that later. I need to ask you something first" Alex cut her off.

" What happened here?" Nikita asked when she noticed the boxes and the papers that there were in Alex's apartment.

" New mission" Alex whispered and walked away from Nikita.

" New mission? And why do you have all this staff here?" Nikita asked and went to examine the files.

" Because I had the power to choose." Alex replied

" Power?" Nikita asked confused and she took Amanda's evaluation in her hands to read it.

" You don't want to read that now. Trust me." Alex said and took the evaluation away from Nikita's hands.

" Ok. I am confused. Explain." Nikita ordered.

" I will, but I really have to ask you something." Alex said uncomfortably.

" Ok. You are allowed to ask me anything you know that" Nikita said defeated.

" I know that it is private but I need you to answer me honestly. Are you or were somehow involved with Michael?" Alex asked

" Alex!" Nikita shouted in surprise.

" Nikita, please is important. I know that Michael had or has a crush on you and I need to know if there was anytime when he hesitated to take you down or acted blindly when you were a Division agent. Anything that can make Amanda question his loyalty to Division, anything" Alex pressed more.

when Nikita didn't answer, she added " Nikita, please, I have to know. It's for your safety."

" Yes" Nikita said. " He.."

" I don't need to know anything more, if you don't want to tell.." Alex said

Nikita just nodded.

" Nikita, I have to call Amanda so please don't make any sound" Alex said and Nikita looked again confused but she nodded affirmative.

" Amanda" Alex said

" Alex. what do you need?" Amanda replied

" I don't something, Amanda. I called you about Michael. I will take the mission" Alex said coldly.

" I am glad that you made up your mind so soon. Thanks" Amanda said.

" You are welcome" Alex said.

" Alex..?" Amanda started hesitantly.

" Yes, Amanda?"

" Would you like to have some coffee with me tomorrow morning in the cafeteria opposite to your house?" Amanda asked hesitantly.

" Excuse me? What?" Alex said in shock

" I think that we need to work our relationship issues and my place in Division isn't the perfect place." Amanda replied softly.

" Amanda, you don't have to prove me that you care and beside that if Nikita is going to monitor my house as you expect her to do, I don't think that if she notices you, she is going to stay low. It isn't safe for you to be near to me in the outside world" Alex pointed.

" Alex, come on, we both know that Nikita isn't going to offer us a such a quick and painless death" Amanda said coldly.

" Ooh so I must count on the possibility that Nikita is going to be merciless. Whatever. It's your choice. If you want trust bonding time, then this is what you get, but don't expect a lot, Amanda." Alex said.

" Thank you" Amanda said in relief.

" Don't thank me Amanda. I am just tired of fighting you. Tomorrow at 8 am?" Alex said calmly.

" It's perfect. See you then" Amanda said and she turned off her cell phone. She knew that Alex didn't trust her through all those tortures and lies, but at least now she had a chance to make things right.

" I have your back too Michael" Alex whispered to her closed cell phone.

" Michael mission? Coffee with Amanda? You target? What have I lost?" Nikita screamed.

" You should take a sit, Sensei, is going to be a long night" Alex said calmly and took a sit on the couch.


	4. little chat

Alex was really tired. It was 7.45 am and she was pacing up and down her own apartment before she set off for the meeting with Amanda. She had spent last night talking with Nikita explaining the new situation. They both knew that now the things were easier and harder at tthe same time. It was easier to protect Nikita but harder to keep Alex's real identity out of randar. It was too risky. Alex had to bring some results in order to keep herself alive. But the difficulties weren't meant to end for the young russian. Nikita had to admit to her that Michael had changed side and worked with Nikita. He also had created a romantic relationship with her mentor. So Alex couldn't just seduce him, she had to talk him and draw a plan together in order to fool Amanda and that was extremely risky. Alex took a deep breath and went to meet Amanda. She knew that it was really important to maintain her cover and with Amanda trying to built a trust relationship with her that was really difficult.

After a few minutes Alex walked into the cafeteria opposite to her apartment and noticed Amanda sitting on a table in the corner of the cafe, she ordered a capuccino and walked towards her.

" Goodmornig Amanda" Alex said and took a sit before her

"Goodmornig, Alex. How are you today?" Amanda replied and smiled.

" I am fine. Thanks" Alex said calmly. " Why am I here, Amanda?" Alex added trying to remain calm.

" I see. Straight to business." Amanda commented and Alex nodded.

" Well, I think that we must solve some relationship issues. I don't want you to think that I don't care" Amanda said honestly.

" You get yourself into too many trouble just to prove me that you care" Alex replied.

" Maybe because I do care" Amanda answered semi-shout, semi-whisper.

" And why is that?" Alex asked coldly.

" Because I like you, Alex. Yes, I know that you think that you just remind me of Nikita but no. At the begining I couldn't but to notice your commons, but then I noticed your differences, too. I like you Alex for what you are. I care about you. Why is that so difficult for you to understand this?" Amanda replied

" Ooh let me think...maybe because you don't act like you care?" Alex said coldly.

" Come on, Alex" Amanda pleaded

" Amanda, let me be clear.. if you care about someone, you don't torture the hell out of them because you think that they might hide something, you don't lie to them. You accept them with their secrets, their lies, their faux, their ups and down. You accepted for what they are without terms. And if something bothers you, you talk to them, you don't drug them, you don't play mind games and hell you don't recommend them for termination." Alex exclaimed

" I am sorry. I know that I was unforgivable cruel against you. But after Nikita I couldn't allow to myself to get emotional involved with anyone" Amanda said

" I am not Nikita, Amanda. Speaking of who, we have company" Alex said coldly.

" What do yo mean?" Amanda asked in shock.

" Hi, Nikita. Please be my guest." Alex said and gestured to someone to take a sit near to Amanda. Amanda lifted her head and looked up and faced Nikita standing behind Alex with a confused gaze.

Nikita stepped foward and took a sit near to Amanda. She pull out her gun and aimed it to Amanda, who instantly stressed her back to the chair looking surprised and a little scared to Nikita. Alex lifted her hand up and signaled to the waiter.

" A cup of coffee, please. Black, no sugar for the laidy." Alex said and added " Am I right, Nikita?"

Nikita didn't answer just nodded.

" You are good." Nikita mentioned.

" Thanks" Alex replied.

" Don't try anything stupid or I will shot her" Nikita warned Alex seriously.

" I didn't plan to do anything anyway. You don't need that gun" Alex said.

" I will keep it just in case. I love that look in Amanda's eyes anyway" Nikita said and smiled.

" What do you want, Nikita?" Amanda interrupted the two girls.

" Chat with the new agent..we have some unfinished businesses." Nikita replied and stared at Alex.

" If you touch her, I am going to kill you" Amanda threatened.

" I would love to see you trying" Nikita commented with hate. " It's Alex, right?" Nikita asked and turned her attention to her friend.

" You are well informed." Alex said and smiled.

" So Amanda why are you taking a coffee outside of Division with Alex?" Nikita asked curiously.

" It's none of your business" Amanda said angrily.

" Ooh you don't want to chat?" Nikita said sarcastically.

" maybe I should shot her.." Nikita said and turned the gun to Alex, who remained calm and smirked to her.

" Fine. Relationship issues. I am trying to gain her trust back after all the torturing that she had got through because of my obsession to find out what she might hid" Amand replied quickly.

" Torturing?" Nikita asked in shock. Alex hadn't told about that. She hadn't told her that Amanda was torturing her, she had kept that secret.

Alex's face darkened to the realisation that Nikita learnt about this by Amanda and not her.

" Yes. Electroshocks, drugs, mind control. I even try to burn her alive once" Amanda said defeated.

Nikita was in shock.

" And what she is hidding?" Nikita asked in shock. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

" I don't know but whatever it is, she is determined to give her life in order to protect it" Amanda said honestly and looked at Alex, who had an unreadable look.

" Let it go Amanda. I don't hide anything. And I definetely don't trust someone who had killed me _accidentaly_ and always accidentaly started a fire while I was tied up in a chair and unconscious from the electroshocks!" Alex said.

" I didn't mean to kill that night" Amanda said honestly.

" Yes, whatever. Nikita what do you want? " Alex changed the subject.

" Offer you an opportunity to save your ass" Nikita said coldly.

" Oooh! the saint Nikita, always willing to save everyone even her enemies. I am listening" Alex said.

" Walk out of here with me, stop working with Division, help me to take them down and I won't kill you" Nikita said seriously.

" That was funny. Let me explain you something Nikita. I am not going to turn my back to them. They saved my ass. I may not like every part of this life but I am loyal to them. I killed Tom, Nikita. I killed my best friend because you corrupted him. I am not going anywhere willingly with you and certainly I don't fight by your side. The only person that I want to see to be taken down is you. I will help them take you down and at least I am going to die trying. So let me make you an offer. Join Division again as a free agent and they might decide to let you live." Alex replied seriously.

" They killed my boyfriend" Nikita said angrily.

" And you are the reason that my boyfriend died in my arms by my gunshot" Alex replied coldly.

" What?" Amanda and Nikita asked together.

" Oooh, he didn't tell you? We were together. Little secret" Alex said and smiled sadly.

" This is what you were hidding?" Amanda asked and Alex didn't answer.

" If you are blaming me for Tom's death, I think that we are not going to make a deal." Nikita said

" No, we are not. The real question is why you are will to make a deal with the killer of your friend? Every operative is disposable for you, too, right?" Alex said coldly.

" I just don't like killing promising young people" Nikita replied

" Too bad. Because you will have to" Alex said

" See you in the field then" Nikita said and walked out of the cafe.

" You were involved with Tom?" Amanda asked in shock.

" No exactly. We knew the rules so we didn't form any typical romantic relationship. But he had asked me to be her girlfriend and I had accepted his request. We tried to keep a low profil and obviously we succeeded. Do you want to canchelle me, Amanda, for half breaking the rules or can I go back to my place and continue my work?" Alex said

" Your relationship didn't cause any problems. You stayed focus and you pushed away your feelings to protect us. There is no need to eliminate you. I am just surprised that I didn't notice your relationship and that you managed to keep it secret for so long. Go to take down Nikita. You are free. And we will work our relationship. I know that I have made mistakes" Amanda said

Alex nodded and headed to her apartment. She opened the door and she was surprised when someone grabbed her hand and twisted it behind her back and then he slammed her to the wall angrily and pushed the door close behind her.

" What the hell?" Alex said as she tried to get free from the painful grip and take a look to her attacker


	5. the truth can set you free

" Why you didn't tell me?" Alex heard someone asking angrily and she let out a small scream of pain when the grip in her hand got more painful and she instantly stopped struggling her attacker.

" Nikita, you are hurting me" Alex said and suddenly her attacker let go off her. She turned to face her attacker and she looked at Nikita. She could see the pain and the guilt through her eyes.

" Why you didn't tell me?" Nikita whispered in a shaking voice.

" There was nothing that you could do. It would only complicate the things" Alex said honestly and walked toward to her mentor but Nikita turned away from her.

" What did she do to you?" Nikita asked sadly.

" Nikita! Don't do that" Alex pleaded.

" I want to know. Answer my question or I will make you" Nikita said coldly. She needed to know, she wanted to cause pain to herself, she wanted to be punished because she had failed to protect Alex.

" You are going to torture me, too?" Alex replied sarcastically.

" Just answer my question" Nikita ordered.

" No. I am not going to play this silly game. This isn't your fault, you couldn't do anything, stop punishing yourself" Alex answered seriously. She knew that Nikita was driving the path of guilty but she couldn't let her selfdestructing.

" If you don't answer my question, I will turn myself to Division" Nikita said and looked back to Alex.

" What?" Alex asked confused.

" If I can't protect you while I am alive, then I will make sure that I won't cause you anymore problems" Nikita replied and she was honest. She hated the fact that Amanda has been torturing Alex and if Division learn about her involvement, then Alex would be in great danger.

" You are a silly bitch" Alex said coldly.

" Answer my questions" Nikita repeated seriously.

" Yes, she had been torturing" Alex said and sat down.

" How many times?" Nikita asked calmly.

" A lot" Alex said and felt uncomfortable as memories passed through her mind.

" With what?" Nikita continued the interrogation and she could feel pain with every little word that Alex said regarding this issue.

" Electroshocks, drugs, withdraw, mind control, fire" Alex said and stared at the floor.

" You said that she had killed you, what did you mean?" Nikita asked and looked back at Alex, who didn't turn her gaze from the floor.

" One day she tried to control my mind, she drug me with a substance which cause visions controlled by her and she was trying to learn more about my past and my loyalty to Division. I tried to overpower the drug. It was difficult but I managed to hold some self control. I could see what Amanda wanted me to relive but I controlled my answers to her. After some hours, she became impatient. She knew that I was fighting her mind game and she decided to raise the dose. She overdosed me and after awhile my heart stopped beating. She revived me and she continued her interrogation. She thought that I was totally defeated, I had just died, so she believed what I told her. I didn't tell her anything important of course." Alex said.

" I am sorry" Nikita said and slid down the wall. She brought her knees to her chest and she grabbed them with her hands and then she started sobbing.

After some moments of silence, Alex stood up and walked to Nikita who tried to push her away from her, but Alex didn't back off, she struggled and finaly she was able to put Nikita into a caring hug.

" I am sorry, Alex, this is all my fault. I am sorry.." Nikita whispered and left some tears to fall.

" Nikita, please, don't do that. Don't blame yourself for that. You did everything in your power in order to protect me. I am alright. I am right here" Alex said and kissed Nikita's forehead.

" It's all my fault" Nikita repeated defeated.

" Nikita that hurts me more than Amanda, please" Alex begged and Nikita suddenly stopped crying.

" What?" Nikita asked in shock.

" Seeing you like this because of me, it hurts me, Nikki. I don't want to blame yourself for whatever happens to me. Please, stop blameing yourself. I need you to be strong. You are my strength Nikita. I can beat Amanda in her own game, if you are going to do that to yourself everytime that she loses control. If I had to choose between my life and yours, I will always choose yours." Alex said honestly.

" I am sorry, Alex. I can't loose you. You are the only thing that keeps me alive, you are the only good thing in my life. Please just promise me that you will do anything in your power to stay alive, safe and sound." Nikita said.

" I promise" Alex replied.

Nikita turned and hugged her friend. For now, everything was like it should be. Alex was safe and sound, Nikita was safe, Michael was there. But the good things in life don't last for long.

* * *

Two weeks later...

Nikita was sleeping in her loft, when a nightmare striked. She was in a mission with Alex, when suddenly she heard gunshots and Alex fell down in the ground with two holes in her stomach. She was gasping for air and groaning in pain. Nikita tried to help her but Alex told her to leave her and save her life. She couldn't do that but Alex took her gun out and pointed to Nikita. She ordered her to leave and told her that she was going to be fine. Nikita nodded and left Alex's corps behind. After that the scenery changed and Alex was standing in Nikita's loft smiling. It was after the shooting, she told Nikita that she was grateful to her and she collapsed in front of her.

Nikita woke up shaked. She was terrified by the dream. She was trying to put herself together when her cell phone rang...a message from Alex.

_I need to see you. My apartment as soon as you can._

Nikita got up and got ready in a few minutes and drived to Alex's apartment.

She knocked the door and when Alex opened it, she hugged her, still shaked by her dream, but something was wrong because Alex didn't return the hug and that was unusual.

" Is everything ok?" Nikita asked when she pulled herself away from Alex to look at her. Her face was cold and she had an unreadable gaze.

" I don't know" Alex said and walked away from Nikita back to her apartment.

" What's wrong?" Nikita asked confused.

" Were you always honest with me Nikita?" Alex asked. She knew the answer that she had to give Nikita one more chance to tell her the truth. She owed her that much at least.

" Always" Nikita said. "why?" she added

" You will see. But I need to tell you something else first" Alex said.

" Ok..." Nikita replied in shock.

" Percy is down. Amanda took control of Division." Alex said.

" What? How?" Nikita asked in surprise.

" Oversight asked his replacement. He was too ambitious. Amanda couldn't terminate him because of the black boxes as you already know" Alex said coldly.

" That is great. We are one step closer to shut this place down. You don't seem happy, what's wrong?" Nikita said.

Alex sighed and said " Amanda knows my real identity, too"

" What?" Nikita jumped in shock " We need to take you out of here, she is going to kill you! How did she learn that?" Nikita continued in shock.

" I told her. I walked into her room and I told her who I was and that I was your mole" Alex said calmly and noticed Nikita's jaw got opened in surprise.

" Why?" was the only word that she could speak.

" Because I am tired of being lied to and keeping secrets" Alex replied

" She could have killed you!" Nikita yelled.

" She wouldn't, she didn't. You see oversight needs my help and I need theirs" Alex said.

" I don't understand" Nikita said.

" Truth can set you free Nikita, you should try it once. They need the black box, I want to get Sergei Shemak, my uncle, the man who ordered the murder of my family" Alex continued

" So you are going to work with the people who killed your parents in order to catch the person who ordered their death?" Nikita asked in shock.

" I have done this before, haven't I?" Alex replied coldly and she started a video.

It was Nikita with Amanda during a mission debrief

_"did you recognised the man that you shot?" Amanda asked_

_" Of course. He was Nikolai Udinov" Nikita replied._

Alex stopped the video and looked to Nikita, who was standing still.

" You should have told me" Alex said quietly

" It wasn't the right time" Nikita answered in shock. She didn't want Alex to know about this like that, through a tape.

" No, you didn't trust me" Alex replied coldly.

" Alex, please.." Nikita pleaded.

" I want you to walk away, Nikita. Give them the black box and run" Alex said

" I can't do that Alex" Nikita replied.

" How much is this fight worth for? Are you going to be able to live if something happens to Michael because of your obsession?" Alex asked angrily.

" Are you threatening me?" Nikita asked in surprise and walked toward to Alex.

" I give you the chance to protect your friend. Division took Daniel away from you. I don't want Michael to be taken away from you as well" Alex explained herself sadly.

" Alex, please. You can't trust them...they will use you" Nikita said and grabbed Alex's hand. Alex didn't struggle, she just looked at Nikita's eyes

" I don't trust anyone" Alex said and Nikita let her go.

" Do whatever you want Nikita, but if you stand in my way I will come after you. They don't know about the loft yet" Alex said

" Why don't you kill me? Why did you warn me?" Nikita asked and left some tears to fell down.

" I owe you.." Alex said and turned her back to Nikita.

" You don't owe me, Alex. Just kill me" Nikita pleaded.

" No. Now leave" Alex said and sat down on the couch.

" Alex, please. I am sorry!" Nikita cried.

" Leave. Go to Michael and discuss your next move. Don't make me ask you that again" Alex warned.

" Alex, I will find a way to make things right. I promise" Nikita said and walked to the door, she stopped, turned to face Alex and whispered " I am sorry". Then when Alex didn't respond, she closed the door behind her and she left. She was going to fing a way to gain Alex's trust but for now she had lost this battle and she knew that.

As soon as the door closed, Alex broke. She started crying like a little girl. She felt like someone had ripped her heart out of her body. She knew that she had to do that but seeing Nikita's eye in such pain was excruciating. But she had to act like she hated her, this was the only way to protect her. She didn't trust her anymore but she cared about her. She had told the truth to Amanda and she had made the deal with Oversight not only to get Shemak but in order to protect Nikita and Michael, too. They needed someone from the inside to watch their backs and Alex was the only one. But she didn't want them to know that. She didn't trust them to handle this secret.

Is this secret going to get Alex killed? Is Nikita going to learn about that? Is Alex going to let Nikita in once more ?


	6. goodbye

It had passed one month and Nikita had made it clear that she isn't going to back off. She had tried without result to communicate with Alex and explain her that she was sorry and she had destroyed at least ten Division's missions causing a lot of anger to Amanda and Oversight.

" _We want you to take this mission, Alex" Amanda had said. It was a kill mission of one of the cooperatives of Shemak and Alex was willing to take down anyone who had played a part to her parents' death._

_" Where is the catch?" Alex asked in desbelief. After the truth came out, Amanda's and Alex's relationship wasn't the best one but they worked together in peace._

_" We think that Nikita might try to approach you, and if she does, you must take her down" Amanda said slowly._

_" If she stands on my way, I will take her down. I will inform you if I spot her" Alex replied._

_" I want her alive" Amanda said._

_" No problem. What about Michael?" Alex said and tried to remain calm._

_" It's your decision."_ _Amanda answered_.

This conversation was playing again and again in Alex's mind. But she was there, standing outside of a motel room. She had already spotted Michael in a car in the parking area and she knew that Nikita would be inside her room waiting for her, but she couldn't risk that mission.

She took out a cell phone and texted _friends in need. Attack the vehicle. Follow the signal from the bug. Don't tell them about me. See you soon._

Then, she hide this cell phone, she took out Division's phone and called Amanda.

" Amanda, I think that I have company. Michael is in the parking area, send two teams to capture him and then send them here. I don't want any dead bodys because of Nikita" Alex said.

" Backup is 3 minutes away. Good luck" Amanda said and hung off the phone.

Alex took a deep breathe and she entered the room, she closed the door and said " Why are you here, Nikita?"

" Alex can we just talk?" Nikita pleaded.

" Talk" Alex said coldly.

" Alex, please..." Nikita said and walked towards Alex, who automaticallly backed off walking away from Nikita.

" I told you to walk away" Alex said coldly.

" I couldn't" Nikita replied calmly.

" No, you didn't want to and now someone else is going to pay for your decision" Alex exclaimed angrily.

" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked nervously.

" Bring him on sight" Alex ordered and touched her com in her ear.

" Don't try anything or we will shoot him on spot" Alex said and walked to the window, opened the curtains and nodded to Nikita to follow her.

When Nikita reached the window, she let a scream of surprise and looked at Alex with tears forming in her eyes.

" Check mate" Alex said and walked to open the door.

" Why?" Nikita cried in shock.

" I told that if you stand on my way, I will hunt you down" Alex replied and let a team come in with Michael and she closed the door again.

" Don't fight back, he will pay" Alex warned and ordered her team to take Nikita under custodity. Nikita indeed didn't fight back, she opened her hands in surrender and let the team to handcuffed her.

" Hi sweetheart" a man of the team said and walked towards Nikita, who didn't react but then Michael started struggling. The man laughed and touched Nikita's cheek, who shuddered.

"Jonathan, do you want to fuck again in your life?" Alex asked coldly.

" Ehh?" the man said shocked.

" Back off or I will break every single bone of yours and then I might kill you. Look but don't touch" Alex threatened.

" Ooh. come on, Alex. She had kicked our asses millions times, let me enjoy our victory" Jonathan replied.

" No. You must learn to respect your enemy. She deserves that at least. She was a great opponent. Treat her like that" Alex said.

" She killed your father, Alex. You don't have to be kind with her" Jonathan said.

" I am not. Rape isn't an option and you are out of this mission" Alex said.

" What? You can't do that!" Jonathan shouted.

" Do you really want to fight with me over this?" Alex said and smirked to Jonathan.

" Man, back off, you don't want to mess up with her" another man stepped up.

" Listen to William, Jonathan" Alex said calmly.

" Fine. I am sorry. I don't want to end up dead." Jonathan said and left the room.

" Good boy" Alex said and the rest of the team laughed.

" Anyone else?" Alex added.

" Ooh, no. thanks. Look but don't touch. You have made this pretty clear in the last mission." William said.

" I hate it when they interrupt my pole dance anyway...look but don't touch" Alex said and the team started laughing.

" She will be fine with us. We respect your decision" William said and Alex nodded in relief

" Thanks" Nikita said honestly staring at Alex. Alex walked towards her and she punched her with force and made her face to twist. She grabbed her T-shirt and she whispered angrily

" I told you to walk away".

Then, she backed off and stared at a shocked Nikita.

" Emma make sure that she hasn't got anything on her that she can use to get herself free" she ordered.

" Peter make sure for Michael" she added.

When they finished, William stepped foward and asked

" What do you want us to do with Michael? Amanda said that it will be your choice"

" Alex, please, I beg you, don't harm him" Nikita begged Alex with tears in her eyes.

Alex took a moment to think. She looked at Nikita and then at Michael. Then she sighed.

" Let's give to the couple few more moments together before we hand Nikita to Amanda. Put them in the same car. Ten minutes before you reach your destination release him. He is smarter than Nikita, he will stay low" Alex ordered

" What if he comes after you?" Emma asked nervously.

" He is too coward to come after me alone without Nikita. But if he does, then he is going to meet Nikita once more time" Alex warned.

" As you wish" William said.

" I want the wolf team with me, we need to complete our mission anyway. William take Alfa and Beta team with you. Be safe. I will see you back at Division. Goodbye, Nikita. Go" Alex ordered and the team obeyed immediately. She took a deep breathe and she sighed loudly. She knew that she was doing the ony thing that she could to keep Nikita and herself alive, but Nikita's gaze had caused her a lot of pain. _This is the only way_ she thought and headed to find Wolf team and complete her other mission.


	7. off limit topic

on the road to Division...

" Ten more minutes Nikita" William informed. Ten more minutes with her love.

" Michael.." she started but she was cut off by Michael's gentle kiss.

" I love you" he said when they broke away.

" I love you, too. Please I need to know that you are going to be safe and lound. Alex made me one last gift when she let you live, don't throw it away. " Nikita pleaded.

" Gift? gift? she hands you to Amanda and you think that she made you a gift?" Michael asked in surprise. He knew that Nikita loved Alex but this was beyond imagination.

" I killed her father Michael. She warned me to walk away but I didn't listen to her. She wants revenge, I don't blame her. I am grateful that she was strong enough not to take it out on you" Nikita said honestly.

" Are you hearing to yourself?" Michael asked in shock. " This girl owes you everything and she had just signed your death penalty"

" She doesn't owe me anything. I destroyed her life and I lied to her. I am grateful because even if she knew that it could hurt me more than everything if she hurts the people I love and care about, she decided to let me leave in peace. I am not going to have your blood on my hands,too" Nikita said and tears fell down to her cheeks.

" I love you, Nikita" Michael repeated and kissed Nikita's lips.

" If you love me, you will promise me that you will stay low and that you aren't going to hunt Alex" Nikita said seriously.

" What?" Michael asked in shock.

" You heard me" Nikita said.

" Fine. I promise you that I am not going to go after Alex and I will try to keep a low profil. Happy?" Michael said.

" I love you" Nikita exclaimed.

Suddenly, they heard screams and the car stopped suddenly.

" We are under attack" someone callled and they heard gunshots.

" Amanda, we are under attack" someone shouted.

" Alex is with wolf team" someone said

" yes. we will keep Alex safe. Don't worry. What about Nikita?" William replied.

" Understood" he said and suddenly an explosion took place and the car was fulled with some sort of gas.

Ten men approached the car and they pushed Nikita and Michael out of it.

* * *

After one hour Nikita woke up suddenly in fear and she made sure that Michael was with her. She felt relieved when she saw him sleeping peacefully next to her. But then panic took over her. She stond up and walked through an open door and she prepared herself for a battle when she heard voices. She walked carefully to the other room and she entered it and she caught up the last part of a coversation.

"...respect her wish. you can't tell them. It's too dangerous..." someone said

" Nikita" another man shouted and walked towards her.

" Birkoff?" Nikita asked in surprise and confused.

" Goodmornig. I though that you are going to sleep for ever" Birkoff mentioned and hugged Nikita.

" My services aren't required anymore" another man said and walked towards them. Nikita backed off and asked

" Who are you?"

" My name is Owen Eliot. I was informed that you were in trouble and needed rescue." Owen replied calmly.

" You attacked the vehicles?" Nikita asked

" Yes, madam" Owen answered.

" How did you know? Did you kill them?" Nikita asked confused.

" Not all of them. We used gas to put into coma the most of them. We killed only the ones that we couldn't take down otherwise" Owen said and Nikita nodded in relief. She didn't like killing.

" Birkoff, I have to go. My team is waiting for me. See you" Owen said and walked to the door.

" Wait" Birkoff shouted and ran towards Owen and whispered to his ear _tell her to be safe_

" I will" Owen said and left the house.

Nikita had too many questions and she instantly started to interrogate Birkoff.

" What am I doing here, nerd?" Nikita asked

" Don't call me, Nerd" Birkoff yelled and he added " I thought that you needed some help" and he walked away from Nikita staring at a window.

" How did you know that I needed help?" Nikita asked suspiciously

" I kept an eye on you and Michael after I left Division and I saw that you were in trouble. I am shadowwalker, remember?" Birkoff said the lie calmly.

" Thanks" Nikita replied

" Where are we?" someone asked from behind.

" Michael" Nikita yelled and ran to hug him.

" Hi, Mickey" Birkoff said after awhile.

" What is going on?" Michael asked.

" Birkoff saved our asses" Nikita said calmly.

" What he is just a nerd" Michael said in disbelief.

" Thanks, Michael" Birkoff respond with a tone of disapproval.

" Who is Owen?" Nikita asked ignoring the tense between the boys.

" Rogue agent, ex cleaner. We have some kind of parternship. Don't ask." Birkoff said. The truth was that Alex had introduced them.

" Ok..." Nikita said nervously.

" If you need anything just tell me" Birkoff said and left the room.

* * *

3 hours later...

Birkoff returned to the room and saw Nikita staring out of the window with a sad gaze.

" I brought you some ice for the bruise in your face" Birkoff said and walked to Nikita.

" Thanks" Nikita replied softly.

" Who did this to you?" Birkoff asked even if he knew the answer.

" Alex" Nikita replied sadly and closed her eyes.

" What? Alex? Your mole? Why?" Birkoff asked faking that he was in shock.

" She learnt that I killed her father and she is working with Division, now" Nikita replied softly.

" You are kidding right?" Birkoff said.

" I wish that I would" Nikita replied.

" How are you?" Birkoff asked worried about Nikita's emotional state.

" I don't want to talk about it" Nikita said with shaking voice.

" Come on, Nikki. We are going to work together. You have to let it out" Birkoff pushed her.

" Alex is an off limit topic for both of you" Nikita said when she noticed Michael entering the room.

" I don't want to talk about it" she added.

" Fine. Don't talk. Just remember sometimes the things aren't as it seems to be" Birkoff said and left the room. He had promised to Alex that he wasn't going to tell anything to Michael and Nikita about her involvement and that she stayed back in order to protect them, but he couldn't stand seeing Nikita in such pain, so he said the only thing that he could hoping that Nikita is going to figure out the truth.

He went to his room, he took out a cell phone and typed _they are both safe and sound. Nikita is upset about you. Are you sure that you want to keep this secret? _

he waited for a few moments and then a message came

_I am glad that they are fine. Yes. Don't ask me again. Keep them safe. See you._

Alex said and hide this secret cell phone in her bedroom. Then she smiled to herself and laid on her bed.

_They are safe for now_ she thought and fell asleep.


	8. take it out on me

It was early in the morning, when Birkoff heard a glass breaking. He woke up suddenly with fear thinking that their safehouse was discovered and that they were under attack. He stoop up from his bed and ran to the living room in order to warn the others but he stopped and stared in shock when he saw Nikita. She had through her glass of whisky to the wall and now she had fell to her knees and she was crying. Birkoff has never seen Nikita crying before and he instantly felt pity and sympathy for the great assassin. He ran to her and placed a reassuring hand in her shoulder but she shoved it away as she stepped up from the floor.

" Are you ok?" Birkoff asked ignoring Nikita's previous gesture.

" Yes. fine" she said and walked away from him.

" It's Alex, right?" he asked worried.

" I don't want to talk about her" Nikita shouted angrily.

" Nikita, it will be alright. She will come back" Birkoff tried to reason her.

" whatever" Nikita said sadly denying Birkoff's statement.

" She will come back" Birkoff repeated.

" You don't know her. None would come back after what I did to her" Nikita said with shaked voice.

" Nikita..." Birkoff started but he was cut off by Nikita.

" You don't know. You have never had a human contact in your life. You have never caused so much pain to the person that you loved. You have never had someone like Alex." she yelled angrily. She didn't mean to say those things but she was in unbelievable pain and she wanted to take out her anger to someone.

" Yes, right. because I am just a tech guy. No Nikita. I had this type of relationship once in my life and I have destroyed it in one day. And I made the worst mistake in my entire life. I let her walk away. I lost hope and I didn't fight enough to gain her trust again. She was murdered few months after we split apart and she told that she loved me with her last breathe. Alex might have left but that doesn't mean that you have lost her. Not yet at least. She is still alive. Stop grieving and fight for her. Fight for her trust, for her love. I know how you feel. Hell I do" Birkoff yelled angrily.

He was annoyed by Nikita's behaviour. He knew that she was in pain but he was tired of being everyone's punch bag. Nikita was taking her guilt for Alex on him, Michael was taking his worry for Nikita on him. Only Alex tried to be nice to him. But he could say that she was in severe pain, too. He could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. She didn't yell at him or insult him but she didn't talk about Nikita and Birkoff was smart enough not to push her.

" Birkoff, I am sorry... I didn't know" Nikita apologized after Birkoff's outbrust.

" Let it go, Nikki. I will go to walk. You might want to clean up this mess" Birkoff said pointed to the broken glass. He took his jacket and left their safe house.

" Nice job, Nikita" Nikita said to herself sorry about her previous behaviour towards Birkoff.

* * *

He was walking for about one hour with his mind to Meredith. Meredith was her girfriend before Division. He was in love with her. She was his entire life. But he had kept a big secret from her. A secret which had destroyed their relationship, when it came out on the surface. Meredith's father had died in a car accident when she was 15 years old. She had spent millions hours trying to figure out who was the drunk driver who destroyed her family. Birkoff knew the answer. He was his father. When he found out that his father had killed someone, he had left his home and ran away from his problematic family. Then he met Meredith and they fell in love. After two years, he found out about his father involvement to Meredith's father death and he had decided to keep it a secret. He kept for three years but then one day he spoke it out without understanding it. Meredith felt betrayed and left him. He was devastated. He had lost the only person in the world that he cared about. A few months later a policeman showed in his door and told him that her ex girlfriend was murdered and her last words were " I will always love you Birkoff Seymor". The young policeman was too motivated by the incident and he had tried to find Birkoff in order to give him this last message.

Birkoff left a tear to fall down as he thought of Meredith, when suddenly a black van stopped in front of him and he was knocked out from the behind.

* * *

" Where am I?" Birkoff shouted when he woke up tied up on a metallic chair in a dark room. He felt fear crossing his entire body when he heard heels approaching and the lights turned on.

" Hi, Birkoff" Amanda said coldly and smiled to her captive.

" Amanda.." Birkoff breathed in complete shock and suddenly he screamed in pain. Amanda had just electroshocked him with a high amount of current.

" Tell me where Nikita is" Amanda ordered.

" I don't know" Birkoff shouted and let out a terrifying scream of pain as Amanda tortured him again.

" Wrong answer" Amanda said and took a hammer in her hands. She walked towards Birkoff.

" I think that you work with your hands. So I might have to give you a motive. If you don't answer my question, I will crash your hand with my hammer." Amanda threatened and let an evil laugh to come out when she saw Birkoff trying to get free.

" Where is Nikita?" Amanda asked again coldly.

" I don't know" Birkoff cried and he saw Amanda higher her hand ready to attack him, but then suddenly the door opened violently and Alex entered the room.

" Put that hammer down slowly" she shouted to Amanda, who turned her attention to her and placed the hammer on the table next to Birkoff.

" Are you questionning my authority?" Amanda asked coldly and gave to Alex a lethal gaze.

" No. I question your methods" Alex replied and walked towards to Amanda in order to face her. Birkoff was standing there admiring how brave Alex was but he knew that it could get her killed.

" I want the black box and I always get what I want" Amanda said coldly.

" Really? Because unless i am wrong, you have killed the last three persons that you interrogated without getting an answer" Alex replied calmly. She was playing with fire and she knew it but she couldn't let Amanda torture Birkoff like that.

" Alex.." Amanda started but she was cut off.

" We both know that he isn't going to give us her location no matter what, so stop torturing him and let me make a deal with Nikita. She will always choose her loves one over the black box" Alex pleaded.

" You can make a deal even if he had some injuries. I have already injected with our special drug that you are familiar with" Amanda said and looked at Alex whose face was dark and tough now.

" This isn't about Birkoff, is it?" Alex said.

" He betrayed me" Amanda replied coldly and stared at Alex.

" No, he didn't. He was never loyal to you and you knew it. He was always loyal to Michael and he never changed side. Whose sins does he pay? Nikita's or mine?" Alex asked coldly.

" You don't get to do that, Alex" Amanda warned and she walked closer to Alex.

" I am the one who betrayed your trust Amanda. I am the one who promised you that I would have your back and worked with your enemy. So you want revenge. You want to punch me, shoot me, kill me? what? do exactly what you want but stop take it out on your victims because you are going to destroy all of our missions. Stop running for your problems. You are mad at me, take it out on me." Alex said calmly and stared at Amanda's cold eyes.

" You know what I want. One hour" Amanda said.

" Then this is what you will get. After we arrange the exchange, you will have your precious hour" Alex said.

" He is all yours. See you soon" Amanda said and left the interrogation room.

Alex sighed in relief and she turned her attention to Birkoff.

" Are you ok?" she asked worried.

" Thanks to you, yes" Birkoff said.

" What deal did you make with her?" Birkoff asked worried about what Alex is going to go through for him.

" I will tell you later. Let's call Nikita and get you out of here. Amanda had injected you with a special drug which make your worst fears reality and you will relive every sad moment in your life. It will start its effect in 5 hours for now." Alex said and dialed a number on her cell phone.

" Hello?" Nikita answered it.

" Nikki?" Birkoff asked tired.

" Birkoff, I am sorry for what I said before I was just.." Nikita started but..

" Division captured me" Birkoff cut her off.

" What?" Nikita whispered in surprise, shock, worry and pain.

" You forget to delete your face from the cameras, nerd" Alex interrupted calmly.

" Alex?" Nikita asked in shock.

" The black box for Birkoff" Alex said coldly.

" Anything. When and where?" Nikita replied immediately

" I don't care. Whenever and wherever you want" Alex replied.

" Right now, I will send you the coordinates in this number" Nikita said calmly.

" Fine. Bye" Alex replied and hang off the phone.

" Birkoff, Sean is going to be with you during the exchange. Make sure that Nikta isn't going to kill him" Alex said.

" Where are you going to go?" Birkoff asked worried.

" To give to Amanda what she wants" Alex said and left the room.

* * *

Birkoff was in a car with Sean wondering about Alex. She would be with Amanda near one hour by now when he noticed that the car slowed down.

'' Here we are" Sean said. Birkoff knew that he could trust him because he was Alex's boyfriend and he was glad that he was with him and not a coldblood operative of Amanda. He opened the door and stepped out of the car and he noticed a female walking towards them. It was Nikita. She held the black box with one hand and a gun with the other.

" You are not going to need that gun, Nikki" Birkoff said and smiled to her.

" Give me Birkoff " Nikita said with a warning tone.

" Relax, madam. You don't have to use that tone with me" Sean said annoyed when he noticed Nikita's warning tone.

Nikita sighed in disbelief.

" Birkoff, Alex asked me to tell you that she will come and check up on you later. The effect will start in 2 hours." Sean said.

" Man, take good care of her and tell her that I thank her for saving my ass and I am sorry for whatever deal made with Amanda" Birkoff said and Sean suddenly slammed him to the car.

" She did what?" Sean said and stepped back when he noticed Nikita's gun being pointed to him.

" She made a deal with Amanda. One hour. I don't know what does this mean" Birkoff shouted honestly.

" One hour? She was a mess after ten minutes with Amanda and she agreed to give to that bitch one whole hour?" Sean shouted angrily.

" What are we talking about?" Nikita asked worried.

" Alex saved my ass. Amanda interrogated me and Alex stepped up. She told Amanda that she couldn't take it out on everyone else if she had problems with her and they agreed to let me untouched if something about one hour, I don't know" Birkoff explained briefly the situation to Nikita.

" When I was first signed to Division, Amanda had asked Alex for ten minutes and Alex agreed. After their 'meeting' or whatever they did, Alex was... I haven't seen Alex so emotionless and cold. I went by her house the same night and I was really worried and scared. Her eyes were red and she was as hell. She couldn't form any word, she was just staring on the floor motionless. I tried to help her but she didn't let me, so I decided just to sit there. It was the scariest thing that I have done in my life. Her eyes were so lifeless... She came around after a couple of days but she was never the same...I can't even imagine how she is going to be after one hour" he said sadly.

" Call her" Nikita said suddenly when she managed to put herself together. Sean immediately obeyed and called Alex.

" Yes, Sean?" Alex said with a shaking voice.

" Alex are you ok?" Sean asked anxiously and Alex didn't answer.

" Alex, please?" Sean begged.

" I will be. Is Birkoff alright?" Alex asked with rough voice barely noticeable.

" I am fine princess, thanks for everything" Birkoff said.

" Why is he still with you? Why he isn't with Nikita?" Alex asked worried.

" He is with me, too" Nikita said. " Are you ok?"

" Sean do you want to get all of you killed?" Alex asked harser than she wanted.

" I am sorry, Alex, you should have told me about Amanda. Are you sure that you are ok?" Sean replied sadly.

" Of course and I am not ok, Sean. Controlling your emotions with Amanda there isn't my favorite hobbie. Complete what you have to do. Birkoff, I will see you in one hour. I need some time to calm down first. Be safe. All of you" Alex said and hang off the phone. She was in her apartment and she started crying. One hour with Amanda was excruciating and psycological torture was Amanda's favorite and she was really good at it.

" Give me the box" Sean ordered Nikita and she obeyed. He threw it to the ground and he shot it twice.

" What are you doing?" Nikita asked in shock.

" Amanda wanted the black box, she never said that she wanted it in a good status" Sean said and smiled.

" Alex will check on you in one hour. She will probably be a little upset so don't push her because she isn't going to be able to control herself. Be safe guys" Sean said. He grabbed the destroyed back box, got in the car and left.

* * *

After one hour...

" Where are you going?" Nikita asked Birkoff, when he ran out of his room towards the door.

" Alex is outside!" Birkoff shouted happily.

" What?" Nikita yelled confused.

" She came to make sure that I am fine" Birkoff explained.

" Why she didn't knock the door?" Nikita asked

" Because I don't think that she wants to see you. Please don't come outside. I want to thank her. Please" Birkoff pleaded.

" Fine. I will stay here. But if she wants, I would love to talk to her. I miss her" Nikita said and walked to the window so that she would be able to see Alex even from a distance.

She saw Alex resting herself on her car. She looked exhausted and sad. Her eyes were red and her features empty of emotion, then suddenly a small smile was formed on her face, when she saw Birkoff running towards her and put her in tight hug.

She pushed him gently away and they started talking. Then , they started arguing about something but Nikita couldn't know about what. She just wanted to go and hug her but she didn't want to provoque the younger girl. She was thinking about the time that they had spent together when she started running to the door. Alex had suddenly pulled out her gun, she had turned around and she had pointed to a man, who had pointed his own to Alex's head.

" Guys, please, don't!" Nikita yelled running out of the house towards Birkoff and Alex.

" Hi, Michael" Alex said keeping her gun pointed to him.

" Hi, Alex" Michael replied and he didn't lower his gun neither.


	9. under drug's influence

" Where did you come from Michael? I thought that you were asleep!" Birkoff said and walked to stand besides Nikita too scared to stay near to Alex and Michael.

" I went jogging. What are you doing here, Alex?" Michael said.

" She came by to check up on Birkoff. She saved him from Amanda. Please lower your gun, Michael" Nikita pleaded worried that she might lose one of them for good.

" I don't care. She is a threat" Michael said and looked angrily at Alex.

" Michael..." Nikita started

" No. She handed you to Amanda!" Michael shouted with hate.

" Ooh, this is all about" Alex said and hide her gun under her jacket in a case on her back.

" What are you doing?" Birkoff asked confused. Hide your only protection while someone had you at the gunpoint isn't a smart move.

Alex opened her hands to her side and walked towards Michael.

" Take the shot, Michael" she said when his gun touched her forehead.

" Michael! please back off!" Nikita yelled in agony.

" She signed your death penalty, Nikita!" he yelled back with frustation.

" You are right Michael, I handed her to Amanda. What are you going to do for that? I might kill her with my own bare hands next time. Her blood will be on your hands, too" Alex said calmly.

Suddenly, Michael slammed Alex to her car and he put his gun on her throat. She didn't defend herself, she just smiled.

" Michael! Stop it! Please!" Nikita yelled in shock.

" Come on, Michael. Kill me" Alex challenged him.

" Michael please" Nikita yelled at the top of her voice and started crying.

Michael looked to her love and then she looked back to Alex, who was smiling.

" She wants you alive. Give her a second change, Alex. Please" Michael said sadly.

" What do you want, Michael? Or you are too coward to even think without Nikita's support?" Alex replied to him.

" Stop it!" Michael whispered.

Alex pushed herself close to Michael and she whispered to his ear " Pathetic"

Michael couldn't control himself anymore. He started punching Alex in the stomach hardly. She cried softly out of pain but she didn't do anything to defend herself. She let Michael to take out his anger on her.

" Michael stop it. She doesn't even defend herself" Nikita yelled and suddenly Michael froze, he looked at Alex, who smirked at him and he caught her from the neck.

" You challenged me on purpose, didn't you?" Michael asked angrily.

" If you let my neck, I will answer your question" Alex gasped and Michael softened his grip.

" It is healthy to take out your anger. You were too tensed. Better now?" Alex said calmly.

" You are unbelievable. Yes, it is better but next time I might kill you for good" Michael said and walked away.

" I can live with that, Michael" Alex replied and watched him as he entered the house.

" You let him kick your ass on purpose?" Nikita asked confused.

" He needed a punch bag" Alex replied coldly and she furled from the pain in her stomach. She might care about Nikita, but she was still mad at her and she had lost her trust.

" Birkoff, do you need me anything or can I leave?" Alex asked and turned her attention to Birkoff, who was speechless.

" Actually, would you mind stay with me for tonight?" He asked shyly.

" What?" Alex asked confused.

" Please?" Birkoff asked again.

" Why?" Alex demanded.

" The drug will start its effect in 30 minutes, you are the only one who had been under its influence before and you are the only one who knows my past" Birkoff said calmly.

" Come on, nerd. I am sure that Nikita and Michael can take good care of you" Alex replied.

" Please, Alex. Your gaze when you took the drug is still haunting me. Your look was pure pain. Even Amanda couldn't look at your eyes. And we all know what a sadistic bitch, she is. She had told me that giving you this drug was the cruelest thing that she had ever done in her entire life. She said that she didn't like using it because it will cause unbearable pain to people with dark past. I didn't understand what she meant until I saw your eyes, at the beginning were full of pain but then they were lifeless, empty and dark. You didn't scream not even cry but we knew that it was excruciating. I saw you under the influence of this drug for hours. I still have nightmares of you." Birkoff said.

" Wait. you have nightmares of me?" Alex cut him off confused.

" I will never forgive myself for letting Amanda interrogate you like that. When she raised your dose, your heart stopped beating, the doctor said that your organisme couldn't stand anymore emotional pain. I don't know why you didn't break. Your heart broke, but you stayed strong. With such pain, anyone would have broken" Birkoff said sadly.

" I couldn't give up on, Nikita. I would take any pain in this whole world in order to protect, I had something to fight for" Alex replied calmly.

" Past tense?" Birkoff asked sarcastically.

" Past tense." Alex reassured him.

" Don't let me go through this by myself, Alex. I need you. I will call Sean, he will understand, you two can spend a night away from each other" Birkoff pleaded.

" Alex, help him. I don't know how this drug works but he is scared. Please, stay and if you want, I can leave the house. You won't have to see me or talk to me" Nikita pleaded Alex. She didn't know about this experience. Alex never told her, she had told her that Amanda had overdosed her, not that her heart couldn't take the emotional pain anymore. No that she died trying to protect her.

Alex turned to face Nikita and she noticed pain and worry at her face, she nodded affirmative and Nikita relaxed.

" You don't have to leave" she said

" Birkoff, go to prepare yourself for bedtime. I am right behind you" she said and he ran into the house eaving the two girls alone.

" Thanks" Nikita said calmly

" Don't thank me yet. I have to warn, he probably goes to scream and cry." Alex said.

" You will be there for him" Nikita replied and smiled sadly.

" No exactly. He will be traped in his own mind. Anyway I don't know if it is safe to spend the night with you, it might compromise your position. I have disactivated all the bugs on the car and I don't have any tracker or bugs on me. Sean will also have our backs but I can't promise anything. If something goes wrong, I want to believe that you are ready to destroy any proof of your existence" Alex said calmly.

" Don't worry, Alex" Nikita replied calmly.

" We need to go inside. 5 minutes left" Alex said and walked to the door.

" Who exactly is Sean?" Nikita asked suddenly and Alex froze and then turned to face Nikita with a look of disbelief.

" Forget that I even asked" Nikita said uncomfortably.

" He is Oversight. Not loyal to Division, he wants to clean Percy's mess" Alex replied calmly.

" And why is he going to have our backs? Oversight wants me dead" Nikita asked confused.

" Everyone wants you dead, Nikita. Oversight, Division..." Alex started.

" You?" Nikita asked a little harser than she wanted.

" It's going to be a long night" Alex answered and turned her back to Nikita. Nikita sighed and followed Alex inside the house. By the time, she got inside Alex was already inside Birkoff's room. suddenly, she heard Birkoff's screams and she ran into his room. She froze when she saw that Alex had put Birkoff into a caring hug.

" Please, forgive me! please!" Birkoff cried and struggled into Alex's hug.

" She forgave you, Seymour. She loved you. Don't worry, she forgave you" Alex tried to comfort him.

" Alex, please, make it stop! I can't lose her again" Birkoff screamed.

" You didn't lose her. She loved you, She always did" Alex said and kept Birkoff in her hands.

Nikita felt a warm feeling when she saw Alex trying to comfort Birkoff. She thought that she would never see that part of Alex again, but she was wrong.

Alex noticed Nikita and gave her a sad smile. " he will be fine" she whispered and Nikita nodded in response and walked out of the room.


	10. You crossed the lines

after three hours Alex exited the room. She seemed exhausted.

" How is he?" Nikita asked worried from the couch when she heard Alex.

" He will be fine. The drug's effect passed two hours ago but he kept crying until 30 minutes ago when he felt asleep" Alex replied sadly.

" How does this drug work?" Nikita asked nervously.

" It creates a twisted reality. You are trapped in your mind and you think that you live a life which is consisted from your darkest moments, your regrets and your fears. No hope, no goodness, nothing. You live your worst nightmare. If you have Amanda over your head, you live the nightmare that she wants you to live. If someone wants to make it even worse, he can order you to relive certain periods of your life. Fortunately, Birkoff took only one dose and he hadn't Amanda interrogating him" Alex said sadly walking towards the kitchen.

" How many doses did you have?" Nikita asked coldly unable to control her words. She was mad at Alex for not telling her this twisted game of Amanda

" 32 until my heart stopped beating and 2 more after I came around" Alex replied calmly without looking at Nikita.

" I am sorry..." Nikita whispered honestly.

" What did he cry over?" Nikita asked wanting to change the subject.

" You don't know?" Alex asked surprised.

" No. He said something in the morning about a girl but I didn't understand a lot" Nikita replied.

" Meredith." Alex said and sighed. " she was his girlfriend before Division." she added.

" What happened?" Nikita asked. She knew that she was asking about something private but she wanted to hear Alex's voice. She had missed her so much. Alex put some water in a glass and drank. Then she turned to Nikita.

" Short version?" Alex asked and Nikita nodded affirmative.

" His father killed her father in a car accident. He found it out and kept it secret. After years he told her the truth but she left. After few months a policeman showed up in his door and told him that Meredith was murdered and that her last words were ' Birkoff Seymour I will always love you' " Alex said sadly and looked at Nikita, who was obvious in emotional pain.

" You told him that she had forgiven him" Nikita said softly.

" I think that she had" Alex replied honestly.

" Alex..." Nikita started but she was cut off by Alex's ringtone. Alex walked to her bag and took out her cell phone, she sighed loudly and picked up.

" Amanda is 3 in the morning, what do you want?" Alex asked coldly.

" Did I wake you up?" Amanda answered coldly.

" No. What do you want?" Alex replied.

" I wanted to tell you that I am sorry about before" Amanda said calmly.

" No, Amanda, you aren't sorry. Did you take your revenge or you have more to show me?" Alex said angrily and coldly.

" It wasn't about revenge." Amanda told her.

" Then what was about Amanda? " Alex asked.

" I was angry because you betrayed me..." Amanda said

" You are angry and I get that. You feel betrayed, I can understand that too, but today it wasn't about you and me, it wasn't about Nikita. So what was about?" Alex cut her off.

" Alex..."

" You crossed the line, Amanda. Today you crossed the line. Are you at least happy now?" Alex said coldly.

" I thought that you didn't mind. You didn't ask me to stop it, you didn't tell anything" Amanda replied.

" What did you expect me to do, Amanda? Beg for your forgiveness, cry and beg you to stop it. No Amanda. I am not sorry for working with Nikita if this is what you wanted to hear and I am not going to cry over my past or ask you to stop. And don't tell me that you are sorry because you enjoyed every second of your precious hour" Alex whispered angrily.

" Did I finally get to you?" Amanda asked sarcastically.

" Oh no, Amanda. You will have to work harder than that to succeed that. But today you crossed the line. You don't know who I was, who I am or who I can become. I don't mind if you take your anger for everyone who had betrayed you on me, but the next time that you will play such a dirty game, I will make it sure that you will be sorry" Alex said coldly.

" Are you threatening me?" Amanda asked puzzled.

" No. I am warning you. Don't cross the lines again" Alex replied seriously and hang off the phone.

She put one hand on a wall and stood there silent for a few seconds while memories from her previous conversation crossed her mind.

_did you remember that day on the video, Alex? It was the last Christmas that you spent with your parents before Nikita killed them. It was the last Christmas that you spent like a human being. It was the last Christmas that you were happy until WE took everything away from you..._

_Nikita would have killed you if he could save Daniel..._

_You betrayed the only person who told you the truth, you betrayed me..._

_And why? For Nikita, the woman who killed your father..._

_Ooh I do like that particular part of this movie...that sex slave in that cage with those men touching her like that...and her gaze...you already know that feeling, don't you?_

_You were nothing for Nikita...only a piece of meat that she could use...she sent you here to die instead of her...she used you..._

_Take the drugs Alex...it's an exit...just pick up the bottle and leave...because it is not going to end...you will be in continiously emotional pain..._

_Everyone betrayed you and everyone will...everything that you love will eventually turn against you..._

Alex was brought out of her thoughts when she felt a hand on her shoulder, she opened her eyes and she saw Nikita, who had a worried gaze.

" Are you ok? You didn't answer my question" Nikita asked anxious when she noticed Alex's watery eyes.

" Can you please take your hand from my shoulder" Alex whispered trying to keep her voice stable and instantly Nikita obeyed and looked at Alex with pain and guilt in her eyes.


	11. bad move

" I am sorry. You.. I.. I just wanted..." Nikita tried to find the right words to explain her gesture.

" It's ok" Alex reassured and walked back to the kitchen.

" What did you ask me?" she asked calmly.

" If you were ok. You look upset" Nikita said worried and sat on the couch.

" Amanda sometimes has this effect" Alex said and smiled sadly.

" I don't know what is going on between you two but you seem really angry and speaking to her like before it's dangerous" Nikita said nervously.

" Dangerous? she can kill me if she wants" Alex said coldly.

" Alex" Nikita semi shouted in surprise.

" But I don't think that she is ready to do so yet. Amanda loves to see people in pain. She wants to torture them until the pain is unbearable. She doesn't want to kill. Anyway our relationship is like that from the begining." Alex said.

" You need to be careful" Nikita whispered.

" I don't want to be careful. I am not going to take everything that she is going to serve me. You haven't spoken with her lately and trust me she is getting worse day after day. So don't tell how to handle Amanda, because right now you don't know her. She crossed the lines, Nikita. She doesn't want anymore just to torture. She wants to destroy you, she wants to make you fall weak, she wants to win and she doesn't bother to play a nice game. She puts small goals and she tried to destroy you piece by piece. Right now her goal is to make me start using again. After that she might decide to kill me or something like that." Alex said angrily.

" Are you using again?" Nikita jumped from the shock.

" And let Amanda win so easily?" Alex replied calmly. " Do you want some coffee?" she added changing the subject.

" A drink maybe it will be better" Nikita replied innocenlty.

" I heard that you had enough of it last night so no. Coffee or tea?" Alex replied.

" How did you know that?" Nikita asked confused.

Alex rolled her eyes in response.

" Coffee will be great" Nikita said and sat down to the couch again.

She watched Alex when she took two cups in her hands and she said.

" If I were you, I wouldn't use the one with the ninja warrior?"

_I was a ninja warrior in another lifetime _Alex read the message on the cup.

" Why?" she asked confused.

" Birkoff will get mad. It's a gift from her friend / girlfriend, I don't really know and he told us that we couldn't use it without her permission if we wanted to stay here. He said that she would get angry if we use it or something like that. I didn't pay attention " Nikita explained calmly.

Alex laughed and said " It's friend and I think that she will be ok if we use it"

" I warned you" Nikita said sarcastically.

" Ooh trust me, we have her permission." Alex said and smiled, she filled the cups and walked towards Nikita. She sat down on the couch opposite to Nikita and she handed her the mysterious cup.

" Ooh no, you try to get me killed" Nikita smirked.

" You can use it as long as you don't break, you have her permission, trust me" Alex said seriously.

" Ehh?" Nikita asked confused and took the cup in her hands " Do you know her?" she added

" You know her, too" Alex said and looked to a puzzled Nikita.

" Sometimes I think that you are stupid" Alex said calmly.

" Ehh?" Nikita repeated.

" Ooh my god, Nikki! I gave to nerd that cup as a christmass gift. I didn't know that he was so overprotective about it." Alex said like it was obvious.

" I didn't know that. Are you sure that you want me to use it?" Nikita said confused.

" If you don't want to, I can take the cup" Alex replied calmly.

'' What? No no no! I want to use it" Nikita shouted in surprise when she realised what Alex had implied. Of course and she wanted to use anything that it was close to Alex, it was a comfort.

" Hey, relax! Just don't break it" Alex said.

" What?" Nikita asked confused again.

" I heard that you broke a glass this morning" Alex said and smiled.

" Birkoff" Nikita whispered furious.

" Don't be mad at him, he was just trying to make me feel guilty and come back" Alex said calmly.

" Did he manage that?" Nikita asked nervously. She wanted the answer to be affirmative.

" No" Alex said and turned her gaze away from Nikita.

" Can we just talk about it?" Nikita asked hesitantly.

" No, Nikita, we can't. I am here for Birkoff and I am not going to argue with you over that or anything else. Not today" Alex replied softly.

" Fine. Why did you save Birkoff today, Alex?" Nikita asked.

" Because I could and because I couldn't let him pay for our sins" Alex said calmly avoiding eyes contact.

" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked.

" Amanda had lost control of her emotions. She is full of anger since the day I told her that I was your mole. She takes out that anger to her victims. She continues the torturing even after getting the information that she needed. With Birkoff the situation could get ugly really fast. He had already injected him with the drug the moment they captured him. She didn't care about your location, she just wanted Birkoff to relive his darkest moment and feel unbelievable pain" Alex explained.

" Why?" Nikita asked worried. Amanda was sadistic but what Alex told her was the worst version of her.

" I guess that she thinks that she can isolate you from your allies in that way. If she makes them understand that being around you is only going to cause them pain then they might walk away" Alex said and looked at Nikita, who tried to get the information in.

" Why?" Nikita gasped

" Because this is your weak point. She wants to break you. She can't use others methods of emotional torture and for now she tried to force the people who you love to give up on you willingly. This is her revenge on you" Alex replied.

" She takes it out on you more slowly, baby painful steps until you break, right? How does she try to make you relapse?" Nikita asked worried about the answer.

" Yes. Same way. psycological torture in a daily bases" Alex replied calmly.

" You don't sound worried" Nikita mentioned.

" I am not. She can't cause me more emotional pain than I have already been through. " Alex replied and looked at Nikita and smiled sadly.

" She had used me, hadn't she?" Nikita asked defeated.

" Of course." Alex replied calmly.

" What happened today?" Nikita asked.

" She crossed the line" Alex said.

" Come on Alex. Tell me. You know that you can trust me" Nikita pleaded

" Can I?" Alex asked " Never mind, I don't want to talk about it" she added.

" Why you didn't compromise our location?" Nikita asked after a few moments of silence.

" Why should I?" Alex returned the question.

" Because you work for them" Nikita replied coldly.

" I work WITH them, not FOR them. I come to visit a friend. And the people inside this house are friends of a friend no matter what I think of them. This is your safehouse, I don't want and I don't need to bring the war here" Alex said.

" You know that you could take me down anytime. You could kill me right now and take your revenge" Nikita said.

" I don't want to take revenge on you, Nikita. I told you to run." Alex replied

" Then why you don't come to me? why you left?" Nikita asked with a sad tone.

" I don't want to execute you but this doesn't mean that I am not going to take you down if I had to or that I trust you" Alex replied softly.

" Can we talk about your father?" Nikita asked one more time.

" No" Alex said and then her phone rang again.

" Yes, Sean?" she said

" How is he?" Sean asked

" He will be fine" she replied.

" Do you want to have breakfast with me after jogging, sweetie?" Sean asked gently.

" Breakfast after jogging? mmm" she said sarcastically.

" At my place" he added.

" I don't know. Birkoff will kick my ass if he woke up and I have left" Alex replied honestly.

" Don't worry, I have already taken his permission" Sean replied and laughed.

" Birkofffffff!" Alex yelled " Come out here or I am going to kick your ass" she added and Birkoff ran into the room.

" You don't have to kick my ass, princess" he said anxious.

" I will be there in one hour, Sean" she said and hang off.

" Ooh I think that I do, I just don't know for what cause should I start" Alex said angrily.

" Don't be mad at me, Alex. I was trying to help you" Birkoff defended himself.

" Really? With what?" Alex replied.

" I can't see Nikita like that anymore and I can't see you like that neither. Nikita doesn't talk about you to anyone and you don't talk about Nikita to anyone, I thought that you might just need a motive to talk to each other" Birkoff said

" When I told you that I don't want to talk about it, I meant with anyone, especially with Nikita and I still don't want to talk about it" Alex said calmly but angrily.

" And I will only talk with Alex when she wants to talk" Nikita added.

" Fine, I am sorry. I guessed wrong" Birkoff said defeated.

" Anything else Birkoff" Alex asked harsh.

" Yes. But please don't kill me. Sean really cares about you and he didn't want to freak you when he said that he..." Birkoff said

" I might kick Sean's ass, too" Alex said.

" Ooh come on Alex. He is in love with you, let him in" Birkoff pleaded.

" Do you really want to talk to me about boys Birkoff?" Alex asked sarcastically.

" No really. But I talk with Sean a lot and I can reassure you that he cares about you and he doesn't want to hurt you, he doesn't have any secrets that can cause you pain and he wants to make you happy" Birkoff said.

" Birkoff, you are unbelievable. Do you know why we approach each other in first place? Seduction Birkoff. He tried to seduce me because Oversight asked him to. So don't tell me that it is safe to let anyone in because it doesn't feel safe and right now I am not ready to take that risk. Add to your list one more off limit topic. No Nikita, no Sean." Alex said.

" Who is Sean, finally?" Nikita asked

" Ask Birkoff, he knows more than I do" Alex said and Nikita laughed loudly.

" I will kick your ass next time, I have to go now. If you have headaches from the drug, take two of those pills. Be careful it is addictive" Alex said and placed to a table a bottle of pills.

" Be safe. If you need anything, you know where to find me. Bye" Alex said and left the house in hurry.

Birkoff turned to Nikita, who looked at him with a sad gaze.

" It was a bad move. You didn't have to do so. You pissed her off" Nikita said sadly.

" I am sorry Nikita. I just wanted to help and I really needed Alex with the drug issue. I just asked her to stay until I get up. Did anything change?" Birkoff said calmly.

" No. She didn't let me talk about that" Nikita said

" How are you?" she added

" Thanks to Alex, good" Birkoff said and smiled.

" What's wrong with Alex and Sean?" Nikita asked

" They are somehow together but Sean said the "l" word and Alex built up walls as usual" Birkoff explained calmly.

" He is in love with her?" Nikita asked worried about her protegee, she didn't want Alex to get hurt

" Yes. He isn't with her a long time only some months but if you see how he looks at Alex, you can see that Alex is his entire world. It might have started like a mission- and let me inform that Alex knew that from the begining- but he fell for her. He would give his life for her" Birkoff said and smiled.

" But he pays my faults." Nikita sighed sadly.

" Oh, come on, Nikki, don't blame yourself. Alex will be fine and she will let you back in" Birkoff said

" I don't know, nerd. I don't know" Nikita said sadly and left the room.


	12. she doesn't need to know

five months later...

Nikita was walking down a street heading to the back door of a club. She had planned to steal the money from the drugs, like Michael and she have already done hundreds time in the past few months. 100 metres away from the door she froze. Her eyes wided in shock and anger, pain, relief, rage passed through her corps. Alex was standing there talking with the bodyguard, her right hand on a plaster. It has been two months since the last time she saw Alex and five months since the last time they had made a peaceful conversation inside Birkoff's safehouse. The last time Nikita saw Alex was in Russia after Alex had regained her identity as Udinov. Nikita had tried to approach her but the things didn't work out as she wished.

**flashback**

_Nikita waited for Alex in a sublevel parking. Suddenly she spotted Alex running with her gun in her hand followed by her team. When Alex spotted Nikita, she had frozen_

_" Go to the cars!" she ordered her team._

_She walked towards Nikita with anger in her eyes._

_" What do you want?" Alex asked Nikita._

_" Can we talk, please? Alexandra Udinov, I miss you. We haven't have a heart to heart chat for 6 months now, please" Nikita pleaded._

_" Bad timing Nikita. Bad timing'' Alex replied _

_" Alex! She is coming! Get out of there! " Sean yelled._

_" Fuck" Alex said and she suddenly lifted her gun and pointed to Nikita._

_" Alex..what are you doing?" Nikita asked confused. She didn't expect that from Alex._

_" Shh... I know that you will hate me after today, I know..." Alex started_

_" What are you doing?" Nikita asked again_

_" Don't tell your real to anyone, you are my enemy, if anyone asks, you want to kill me, take revenge on me...is that clear?" Alex said seriously._

_" Yes, I won't tell my name to anyone and if anyone asks I will tell that I want revenge on you...what are we talking about?" Nikita said confused._

_Alex pointed her gun at Nikita's leg and fired. Nikita left a terryfying scream and fell on her knees, groaning in pain. She saw Alex lowering her body to her eyes level still holding her gun pointed to Nikita and she automatically backed off, scared of Alex._

_" I didn't kill you now because I don't have time to do it slowly and painfully, if anyone asks" Alex said and smiled._

_" Alex! We can't hold her anymore! get out of there!" Sean yelled again and gunshots were fired._

_" Remember I did that because I care" Alex said and she stood up and suddenly the doors opened loudly._

_" You are a dead woman, Alexandra" a blonde tall woman said and walked fowards._

_" Not tonight my dear, not tonight" Alex said and ran towards the opened door of Sean's car and she left speeding the car._

_The blonde woman walked towards Nikita and she kneeled down next to her, she placed her gun on Nikita's throat._

_" What is your name?" the woman asked_

_" Kathrin" Nikita replied confused. She had decided to follow Alex's advice for once._

_" What is your relationship with that bitch? She left you here so...?" she asked again._

_" Enemies. I want revenge." Nikita replied really confused._

_" Why she didn't kill you then?" the woman continued her interrogation ignoring the fact that Nikita was bleeding._

_" She...she wants to kill me slowly and painfully, I guess." Nikita said. She could see Alex's point that woman was obviously dangerous but she didn't have to shoot her. The shot was something that Alex wanted to do, she though._

_" Do you want help with your leg?" the woman asked softly lowering her gun and helping Nikita up._

_" No. Thanks. I got it. Who are you?" Nikita said curiously._

_" Someone with who you are safe, Kathrin. The enemy of my enemy is my friend" the woman said and smiled softly._

_" Can I go?" Nikita asked worried._

_" Of course, but can you do me a favor? If you find Alexandra Udinov before me, give me a call. we have some...unfinished businesses" the woman said and nodded to her team to leave and they all left leaving Nikita alone with her thoughs and bleeding_

_**END OF**__**FLASHBACK**_

Nikita took a deep breathe and she ran towards Alex, she hugged from behind and placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

" Hi sweetheart" Nikita said and she sensed Alex's muscles hardening.

" If you want to get inside alive, play along. You don't want to get shot, do you?" Nikita whispered threatening and put her hand on Alex's gun as a warning that she wasn't playing.

" I love your new shelf, SUNSHINE" Alex said and smiled.

" Boss is there a problem?" the bodyguard asked worried. He didn't want to screw it up especially when his boss was related.

" No, Mark. No problem" Alex said softly.

" Do I have to ...?" Marc asked nervously.

" Search her? No you don't have." Alex replied and smiled to him.

" O-ok" he said.

" Marc, relax. I am not here to fire you or anyone else. Don't worry." Alex said.

" Thank you" Marc whispered.

" You don't have to thank me. Can I have the intel, now?" Alex said.

" Recognition through the same phrase." Marc replied softly.

" Great." Alex said.

" Do you want us to bring her something to get her high? I know the policy of the club, no drugs but you are the boss and I am sure that we can make an exception for your guest." Marc asked.

" No. She is clean." Alex said.

Alex said and she walked inside the club with Nikita still hugging her from behind. When they were inside Nikita took out Alex's gun and pointed it at her.

" Now, what? Are you going to shoot me?" Alex said and smiled softly.

" Maybe. What happened to your hand?" Nikita replied.

" None of your business" Alex said coldly.

" I am the one with the gun, you answer my question" Nikita warned.

" I don't think so, baby. You want to shoot me, do it." Alex replied.

" You are a stubborn. But I know you pretty well so... I will shoot the dancers instead if you don't obey and come with me to the bathrooms so that we can talk" Nikita said and turned the gun to the dancers.

" Well, I know you pretty well, too, and I know that you wouldn't shoot them. But just for the effort, you have my attention. This way" Alex said and turned her back to Nikita.

" EVERYBODY OUT" she yelled when she entered the WC and everyone obeyed when they saw Nikita entering with a gun in her hands.

" If you think that I woudn't shoot them why did you obey? and what happened to your hand?" Nikita asked again angrily.

" I have my reasons to cooperate with you. I had an accident and I broke my hand. How is your leg?" Alex said and suddenly Nikita slammed her to the wall and took a painful hold in her broken arm to pin her down.

" What the hell is wrong with you?" Nikita shouted. " You don't want to talk to me, fine. You will listen to me or I will make you. You shot me! We will work our relationship out before we kill each other!" Nikita shouted while Alex closed her eyes in order to control her pain. Nikita didn't know the history of her hand and the memories made Alex sick.

" You don't want to talk. You will talk. I will make you to talk" Nikita whispered.

" Get away from Alex" Sean shouted and pointed his gun at Nikita.

" We have some unfinished businesses here." Nikita said and released Alex's hand but she kept her gun pointed at Alex.

" And you can work it out without hurting Alex. You have lost a lot, Nikita. Just step back and give her some space PLEASE" Sean said worried and saw Nikita backing off and lowering her gun.

" Alex? Baby? Are you ok?" Sean asked worried.

" Alex? please don't go into terminator mode. You don't want to hurt Nikita, right? Alex, talk to me. look at me" Sean continued his pleading.

" What is wrong?" Nikita asked confused. Alex hadn't opened her eyes yet and it was obvious that she was trying to control herself.

" The last time that someone took a hold on her broken hand, she went into terminator mode. She knocked down 10 men by herself and when we were home, she collapsed. The hand is a reminder of a terrible time and your hold has probably released a lot of memories" Sean whispered.

" Alex?" Nikita asked worried and walked towards her.

" Don't" Alex said softly.

" Alex? Can you please look at me?" Sean asked.

" Sean, I am not going to hurt her, don't worry" Alex whispered.

" Are you ok?" Sean asked more worried than before.

" No" Alex replied honestly.

" What can I do?" Sean asked.

" I think that I am going to vomit" Alex said and ran into a toilet and vomitted violently.

" What the hell is wrong?" Nikita asked anxious.

" We got her back one week ago. She was being tortured for 8 days before we could locate her. Her torturor sent us a tape with her favorite torture sessions. I have never seen Amanda pale. She was about to pass out when she saw what she did to Alex and we didn't see the whole video! She broke her hand in 3 differents spots. The images from the video were unimaginable. It was awful" Sean said sadly.

" Why and who?" Nikita asked and felt her anger growing inside her.

" I can't tell you who but she needed an intel that Alex didn't want to give up" Sean replied softly.

" You don't know who?" Nikita asked in surprise.

" We know. She is..." Sean started.

" She is an rogue KGB agent, Sean." Alex said and stared at him.

" Alex..." Sean tried to reason her.

" No, Sean. Don't you dare call her like that." Alex said angrily.

" Call her how?" Nikita interrupted.

" Nothing" Alex said quickly and looked at Sean.

" Sean, what tape?" Alex asked confused.

" Omg! Amanda didn't tell you?" Sean shouted in surprise.

" Tell me what?" Alex asked in hurry.

" She said a five-hours video with you being tortured." Sean replied. He didn't want to piss Alex off and he had decided that honesty is the best policy.

" Who did watch the video?" Alex whispered in pain.

" Amanda and I. We didn't see it all because the system fell and then the video was gone. A virus." Sean said.

" How much did you see?" Alex asked and slid down to the wall unable to control her emotions anymore and she left an only tear to fall.

" The electroshocks, the beating, the whipping, the needles in your eyes, the fire in your foot, the broken arm, the period when she forced you to drink your own blood and the system fell when the video was showing you tied in a metallic bed" Sean replied softly and started walking towards Alex.

" Don't come closer, please" Alex said.

" Amanda knows. She said that the gaze in your eyes was the same when she interrogated you about your past. She knows that you have been lying." Sean whispered.

" I know. She comfronted me yesterday" Alex said honestly.

" Alex, what exactly did you vomit, you barely ate anything these days" Sean asked confused. He had just realised that Alex hadn't eaten anything since they got her back.

" Blood" Alex whispered scared of his reaction.

" Blood?" Sean asked in disbelief.

" What do you mean blood?" Nikita asked confused.

" I mean that my internal injuries haven't healed yet" Alex replied softly and stood up.

" Alex? why did you react in this way to Nikita? No terminator mode but vomiting?" Sean asked nervously.

" I didn't react to Nikita. I react to her phrase" Alex said honestly and turned her back to him, staring at the mirror.

" What do you mean?" Sean and Nikita asked in union.

Alex moved her head horizontial in a negative statement.

" I should have killed her. I let her live." Alex whispered.

" She is your..." Sean said.

" Don't finish your sentence, Sean. She isn't. I was weak" Alex shouted.

" No. You were strong. You are the strongest person that I know. Because after everything that she did to you, you were strong enough to spare her life" Sean replied and walked closer to Alex.

" What if she comes after you? I risk your life, Sean." Alex cried softly.

" If she comes after me, I am sure that you will find me, you always find me. I know that you want me to leave, but I can't. I can't let you go through this by yourself. I love you" Sean said and hugged Alex.

" I want you to leave because I love you too" Alex said and pushed Sean away.

" Stop pushing me away. I am not going anywhere." Sean said and kissed Alex's lips softly.

" Now, can you please tell me what the hell happened with Nikita here?" Sean asked.

" I lost control. When she asked me about my leg, I slammed her to the wall and took a hold on her hand. I just want Alex back. I miss you, Alex, please" Nikita said softly.

" Trust me, Nikita, she misses you, too. More than you can imagine" Sean said and smiled to Nikita.

" It's complicated" Sean added when he noticed Nikita's confused look.

" Alex? Can you please tell me what memory caused you so much pain?" Sean asked calmly.

Alex walked away from the others and stared at the floor.

" The 6th day, I woke up tied in a metallic bed. She came in and told me that she will break me eventually and she broke for third time my hand. Then she climbed on my waist, she let her weight on me. I couldn't breathe properly and my broken ribs didn't help me at all. She laughed and she said _you don't want to talk, you will talk, I will make you talk. _She asked me again and I didn't answer. She looked at me and told me that I belong to her, my mind, my body, everything belong to her and she could do whatever she wanted, she always could." she said and took a deep breathe.

" Please tell me that you can imagine the continue" Alex pleaded and turned to look at Sean.

" I am sorry, Alex, I don't understand..." Sean said sadly.

" She raped you?" Nikita asked in shock.

" What?" Sean yelled confused.

" Yes" Alex said and turned her face again. " I lost the count. First with her hands, then with a bottle and finally..." Alex took a deep breathe.

" Everytime she asked me the same question and everytime that she didn't get an answer she was getting angrier" Alex whispered.

" She raped you" Sean repeated in shock.

" Finally with what Alex?" Nikita asked and took Alex's face in her hands.

" Alex look at me" Nikita said softly.

" With what?" she asked again when Alex looked at her.

" With a...knife. 8 times before I passed out" Alex said and turned her gaze from Nikita's eyes.

" Oh my God! How could she?" Sean said in surprise and complete shock.

" Nikita, I need to breathe!" Alex whispered when Nikita hugged her really tight.

" Yes, I am sorry" Nikita said and released Alex from her hug.

" What else we didn't see, Alex?" Sean asked with tears in his eyes.

" I spend 8 days with her and you see less than 5 hours. Do the maths" Alex replied.

" OMG! when did she mark you?" Sean asked.

" What mark?" Nikita asked in confuse. She didn't know about all these and she hated that Alex was being tortured like that and she couldn't do anything because she didn't know anything.

" She marked her like we do to the horses" Sean explained softly.

" The next day. A reminder of what I went through and what I will betray. She said that when she breaks me that mark will be the greatest pain. A reminder that I couldn't protect the person I care about, that I didn't have a soul, that I was unable to love because I was so fucked up, that I was a monster who had betrayed everything and everyone. A reminder that she owned me, that she could make me do everything. The first letter of the name of the person that I would have given up. She said that everytime that I will look at my body, I will remember that I betray that person. I will always carry that person and the guilt of his death with me. I will have failed my friend like I failed my father" Alex said.

" Alex, you aren't like that. She doesn't own you. You aren't a monster and for sure you aren't incapable of love. Don't do that to yourself" Sean said.

" I was incapable to protect my friend when I decided to spare her life. And if anything happens to that person because of that, this mark will be a reminder of my betrayal" Alex said firmly.

" For now, that person is safe and sound" Sean said.

" Yes, safe and sound, for now" Alex said and smiled softly.

" I have missed that smile" Sean said and hugged Alex.

" I am sorry for interrupting but who the hell this woman is and who are you trying to protect?" Nikita asked confused.

" She is a rogue KGB agent and I am trying to protect a friend" Alex said and smiled softly.

" No details?" Nikita asked.

" No details" Alex replied calmly.

" I have already finished the exchange. Our mission here is over. Let's go home" Sean said and smiled, too.

" Nikita, can I go or do you want anything else?" Alex asked.

" I want a lot of things but not today. I am sorry for everything. Be careful" Nikita replied.

" Thanks. You don't have to steal from my club, I will transferre to you 2 millions. Be safe, Nikita" Alex said and she and Sean left the bathroom.

" You didn't tell her the whole truth" Sean said when they were out of the club.

" She doesn't need to know" Alex replied firmly.

" Alex..." Sean started.

" No, Sean. She doesn't need to know that my mother is alive, she doesn't need to know that I was tortured by my own mother because I didn't want to give up her location. She doesn't need to know that I was marked with the first name of her name. She doesn't need to know that I shot her in order to protect from my mother. She doesn't have to know that I was raped because I was trying to protect her. She doesn't need to know that I am dying from an unknown virus because I didn't give up on her. She doesn't have to know that I miss her, that I love her or that I push her away because I am scared that she will become a target of my enemies. She doesn't need to know that I will give my life for her because she will fall apart. It is easier to control your emotion if someone hates you than love you" Alex said seriously


	13. breakfast on bed

next morning...

" Goodmornig Beautiful" Sean said and kissed Alex's lips softly.

" Goodmrnig, Sean" Alex replied with her eyes still closed.

" What does it smell so nice?" Alex said and slowly opened her eyes.

" Pancakes, bacon, omelete, juice etc" Sean replied and he gestured to Alex to see on the other side of the bed.

" Breakfast on bed? What exactly are we celebrating?" Alex asked smiling.

" Sean? " Alex asked again when Sean didn't reply. Today wasn't any special occasion and Alex couldn't think of any reason why they should have breakfast on bed, not that she was irritated from the fact.

" Well, it is the first night after we get you back that you didn't have a nightmare and I love you" Sean said and smiled.

" I love you, too" Alex said and smiled.

" And I am sorry for destroying your nights these days" Alex said quietly.

" Don't worry, Sweetheart. It is a small price to pay for being with you, Alexandra Udinov" Sean replied calmly.

" Your meeting with Nikita helped you, didn't it?" Sean asked softly.

" I was glad to see her safe and sound" Alex said.

" Alex, why your mother is after Nikita?" Sean asked nervously.

" My mother was a KGB agent and her mission was to form a relationship with my dad. Her agency asked her to get pregant-with me. After some years she went rogue and she fell in love with Sergei Shemmak, my uncle and they decided to kill my family and take control of Zetrov... They hired Division to do so. Nikita was in that mission. She killed my father but she couldn't kill a 13 years old child, so she rescued me and she gave me to someone that she though that she could trust and you know the rest of the story. My mother found out that I was alive and tried to locate me. Some years ago, she learnt about Nikita and she is after her. She wants to punish her in order to prove that none can never mess the things up with her or her plans. She wants revenge because Nikita saved me" Alex replied.

" You did everything in your power in order to protect Nikita and she is fine. You let that bitch to torture, mark you and rape you. You have to relax, Nikita is fine." Sean said softly.

" I miss her, Sean. I am tired of our fight. I don't want to fight her anymore. Yes, she killed my papa and lied to me about that but she is my savior. She gave her life for me again and again. I am hurt that she lied to me but I miss her" Alex confessed.

" Then, why you don't talk to her?" Sean asked the obvious question.

" I can't, Sean. I work with Amanda, I shot her, I hurt her. I did everything in order to protect her. To keep her safe. She might hate me for all of it but I want to protect her. If I decide to contact her and tell her the truth, I will put her in unimaginable danger and I can't do that. I can't lose her, Sean" Alex said and let a tear to fall.

" What do you want to do?" Sean asked.

" I want to hug her and tell her that I miss her and that I love her but I will have to wait until everything is over" Alex said softly.

" If she doesn't hate me until then" she added sadly.

" Nikita loves you and she will always do. It might takes you some time to work some things out but you will have your family back" Sean said and hugged Alex.

" Sean, I have to inject the cure to the center of the mark. Would you mind to turn around please?" Alex asked shyly.

" What? Yes, I do mind. I will do it for you, if this is ok with you" Sean said and smiled.

" Fine. I hate needles" Alex said and laid down on the bed.

" Here you are" Sean said after awhile and kissed Alex's mark.

" I love you Sean Pierce" Alex said and kissed him.

" I love you, too, Alexandra Udinov" Sean replied.

" I am sorry" Alex said softly.

" About what?" Sean asked confused.

" For letting Katia-my mom- to rape me, but you have to understand Sean, I couldn't give up on Nikita. I am sorry, Sean" Alex admitted.

" Alex, you don't have to be sorry. You protected your family even when it was too painful. I admire you for that. You are the strongest person, I have ever met Alexandra. And I love you" Sean said and kissed Alex again.

" Sean, can I ask you a favor?" Alex asked anxiously.

" Of course" Sean replied.

" Birkoff was the one who hacked Division's network and he erased the video but he kept some copy. I asked him to send it to me. I will see it today but I can't do that alone, I am afraid that I will fall apart..." Alex paused

" I will be there to catch you before you fall. I will be there with you, Alex. I will always be there" Sean said and kissed her passionately.

" Thanks you, Sean" Alex smiled happily.


	14. aftermath

" Alex?" Sean asked hesitantly when the video ended and he hugged her tightly.

" I am fine, Sean" Alex whispered and she tried to wipe her tears.

" Alex, talk to me. What are you thinking?" Sean asked.

" I think that my mother actually died when I was 13. I don't want to think that she is alive and that she is a cold blood murderer who can torture her own child like that. I don't want to think of her like that. I want to remember her like the lovely and caring mother that she was. I don't want to think that I was a cover for her. I don't want to think that my entire life was a lie." Alex confessed with pain in her voice.

" Something else bothers you" Sean stated.

" Tell me, Alex" he added.

" If she did these things to me, what is she going to do to Nikita? I have to stop her, Sean. I can't let Nikita suffer in her hands" Alex said softly.

" Nikita will be fine, Alex. She has you even if she doesn't know that. Nikita is fine. Stop worrying. I am sure that you won't let anything happen to her" Sean tried to calm her.

" And I will always be there for you. I love you, Alex" Sean said

" I love you too Sean" Alex replied and kissed him softly.

" Are you going to tell me what the butterfly tattoo means?" Sean asked and laughed.

" No. You have to try harder for that, scout boy" Alex said and smiled.

* * *

" Where is Nikita? Why she isn't back yet?" Michael yelled at Birkoff.

" I don't know buddy. I am worry, too. She is out all the night. She didn't return from her mission" Birkoff replied.

Suddenly the door opened and Nikita stepped in their safehouse. She was obviously upset and it was obvious that she has been crying.

" Nikita?" Michael whispered in surprise.

" Nikita what happened?" he yelled when he noticed Nikita's pained face.

" Are you hurt?" Birkoff questioned her anxious.

" I am fine, guys. I am sorry if I scared you" Nikita whispered, her voice barely recognisable.

" Were you crying?" Michael asked shocked.

" I am ok, Michael" Nikita repeated and walked towards the stair.

" What the hell is wrong with you? You didn't come back all night, I was worried to hell and you are just okay?" Michael yelled at him.

" Dude, let her alone. She is obvious upset." Birkoff interrupted.

" I am upset, too. I thought that she was in trouble." Michael exclaimed.

" I want an explanation" Michael shouted angrily.

" Alex owned the club and she was there" Nikita replied softly.

" What?" Michael asked in disbelief.

" You heard me. I saw Alex. I talked to her" Nikita said.

" What happened?" Michael.

" I almost caused her a panic attack. She has a broken arm, on which I took a hold, she was captured and tortured for information for 8 days. Sean was there, he tried to brief me but Alex didn't let him. She is afraid of someone and she is beating herself up that she didn't kill that person who wanted to hurt someone who is important to Alex. Something is odd. I don't get it. Alex would do anything in order to protect her loves one. Why did she let this woman live?" Nikita said quickly defending herself.

" You have no idea" Birkoff whispered to himself.

" What did you say?" Nikita asked Birkoff.

" Nothing" Birkoff replied quickly and turned his gaze away.

" Seymour Birkoff what are you hidding from me?" Nikita asked in a warning voice.

" I don't hide anything. Stop looking at me like that. Don't put me in the middle. Ask Alex. I can't explain what is going on and I don't want to try." Birkoff said angrily.

" What do you know?" Nikita yelled.

" I know what Alex and Amanda have told me!" Birkoff yelled back.

" Alex and Amanda?" Michael asked in disbelief.

" Birkoff! SPEAK" Nikita shouted angrily.

" Amanda called me three weeks ago and told me that Alex was in great trouble and they needed my help to locate her. It took us 8 days to find her. You were out on the field with Owen and this is why I didn't tell you anything. I was monitoring the rescue mission from here. Alex was almost dead when they found her, bleeding from every inch of her body. It was awful." Birkoff said in pain.

" Did you see the video that her captor send? Do you know who did that to her? Do you know whose location her captor was after?" Nikita asked worried.

" No. You will have to ask Alex" Birkoff lied.

" What else?" Nikita asked angrily. She was mad at Birkoff for not telling her.

" Alex transferred two millions in my bank acount, yesterday" Birkoff said.

" I didn't know that she was speaking literally. I thought that she was joking" Nikita replied nervously.

" How was she?" Birkoff asked worried.

" Not good. Broken arm and internal bleeding and I think in emotional pain" Nikita answered painfully.

" Don't take it in a wrong way but this state is a good one" Birkoff said and smiled sadly.

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked in complete shock.

" After they got her back and they released her from medical, Alex asked Sean to bring her here to thank me for saving her life. She had saved my life so many times but she felt that she had to thank me for doing exactly what she had done dozens times for me. Anyway, she was... I can't explain it to you. I almost passed out when I saw her in that state. That woman wanted the intel with any cost and Alex was determined to protect it with any cost and that cost was obvious on Alex. I don't know how she managed not to give up." Birkoff said sadly.

" We have to find her. I am so worried about her. Someone out there is looking for her blood and something pulls Alex back. She didn't kill her, she let her go. Who the hell is that woman? Someone from Alex's past? Some friend from her days like a sex slave? We need to find her before is too late" Nikita stated firmly.

_Alex, I am really sorry. Please don't kick my ass. I didn't tell her anything important, I didn't tell her that this woman is your mother or that you are trying to protect Nikita. Please don't kick my ass _Birkoff thought.


	15. the silence before the storm

Four days later...

" Alex, come in" Amanda said when she noticed Alex standing on her door.

" You asked to see me?" Alex asked calmly.

" Yes. There are two things that we need to talk about" Amanda said and gestured to Alex to take a sit opposite to her.

" I am listening" Alex replied softly and sat down.

" First, I have to tell you that I have sent a team after your mother." Amanda said coldly.

" After Katya Udinov" Alex corrected her.

" She is still your mother, Alex" Amanda said sadly.

" Yes, she gave birth to me. I am pretty aware of that fact. But I would prefer it if we leave the personal side of the story out of our conversation" Alex stated coldly.

" As you wish. I have ordered a team to go after Katya Udinov, we want to make sure that she will get the message that she can't mess up with us." Amanda continued.

" Ok. And you are telling me this because?" Alex asked.

" Because I think that you have the right to know" Amanda replied softly.

" Thanks. But personally I think that you send your team in a suicide mission" Alex said harsh.

" We will see that. I have heard that she is great at her job as spy" Amanda stated.

" Yes, she is. Are we done with this topic?" Alex asked calmly.

" For now. The other thing that I wanted to talk to you about is for a mission. I know that you haven't recovered fully but I want you to think about it" Amanda said nervously.

" Debrief me please" Alex requested.

" Alexei Volkavonof is a russian arm dealer. He is planning to sell the plan of a nuclear bomb in the black market. We want to steal it before he made a deal. We also think that Katya Udinov will try to steal it, too and I have the impression that if Nikita knows about it, she will try to do the same." Amanda explained.

" And you want me to do what exactly?" Alex asked worried.

" I want you to steal the plan before Katya Udinov does so. And if you face her or Nikita, I want you to come back safe, kill them, knock them out. I don't care about them, I want the plan and my operative back alive" Amanda said firmly.

" Since when do you care about your operatives Amanda?" Alex asked sarcastically.

" I care about you, Alex. Stop doubting that" Amanda replied softly.

" What if Nikita gets the plan first?" Alex asked ignoring Amanda's statement.

" If you can overpower her, do it. But you are injured and I don't think that you can win in a fight with Nikita. So if you can take it from her without getting yourself killed, do it. If you can't, leave. Nikita is not going to use it. It will not be a weapon against us" Amanda replied firmly.

" So you want me to stop Katya Udinov and not get myself killed by Nikita, Katya or Alexei?" Alex asked amused.

" Yes. Can I count on you?" Amanda said.

" With three different parties involved of course and I am in. It will be fun" Alex replied.

" Be careful. You are not 100% yet" Amanda ordered.

" I will be. When will the mission take place?" Alex asked.

" In three days. We need to study the plans of the building. And prepare your team." Amanda said.

" Good. Are we finished here?" Alex asked not wanting to pass more time with Amanda.

" Yes. You can go." Amanda replied sadly and watched Alex walking towards the door.

" Alex." Amanda said suddenly.

" Yes?" Alex replied and turned to face Amanda.

" If you need anything, I am here. I am here if you want to talk or cry or punch someone. I am here" Amanda said firmly.

" Thanks. I will have it on mind" Alex replied and exited the room.

_what the hell wrong with Amanda? why is she acting so caring those last months. She freaks me out when she acts like that. _Alex though and shook her head.

* * *

" Nikita! We have a situation" Birkoff yelled from his desk.

" What is wrong nerd?" Nikita asked worried and ran towards him.

" Do you remember Alexei?" Birkoff asked.

" The arm dealer?" Nikita asked confused.

" Yes. Well our buddy has a plan of nuclear bomb in his possession and he is planning to sell it on the black market" Birkoff informed her.

" What? We can't let this plan in the black market! It is too dangerous." Nikita yelled in shock.

" Yes. I know but we have 4 days before the auction" Birkoff said.

" I want the plans of the building. Now. Call Michael. We are going to steal this plan in three days." Nikita said firmly.

" I can't call Michael, Nikita. I will compromise his mission. And I will get him killed" Birkoff stated.

" Why did he have to go in a long period undercover mission right now?" Nikita shouted.

" Because you asked him to try tracking Alex down and this is our only lead. I will leave him a message but I don't know if he could make it on time" Birkoff said. _Alex if they get hurt because you made me promise that I won't give up your location, I will kick your ass. And I really hope that you take your medication because I don't want you to die from a virus protecting Nikita. You need to tell her that you love her no matter what and she needs to tell you that she is sorry. So stay alive princess._ Birkoff though.

" Hey, what are you thinking?" Nikita asked Birkoff when she noticed his face.

" What? Nothing. I just lost focus for awhile. I will try to contact Michael. Go have some rest until I have the plans of the building. It will be a tough week" Birkoff said.

" Ok, nerd. If you need anything, just shout my name and I will be here immediately" Nikita said and headed to her room.

* * *

" Ms Katya Udinov, we receive this message from our arm dealer, Alexei. He is going to auction a plan of a nuclear bomb" a man informed Alex's mother.

" When?" Katya asked immediately.

" Four days from now" the man replied.

" We are going to steal it in three days. I want the plans from the building. Move guys. I want those plans on my desk" Katya ordered.

**sorry for the short chapter. I know that it isn't intense but I promise you that it is just the silence before the storm...the next one it will be a long one! Review and let me know what you want to happen next!**


	16. chit-chat

the day of the mission...

" Alex, we have visual. The plan of the bomb is in a safe on the second floor. I will monitor the mission from here. You are alone out there Alex. Be careful" Amanda said through Alex's comm.

" Roger that" Alex replied.

" I will send Jaden to you as soon as I can. But for now, you are by yourself" Amanda said.

" It is ok. Just keep me informed" Alex said.

" I am going in" Alex added and entered the building.

* * *

" Birkoff, I am going in. I can't wait for Michael any longer" Nikita said through her comm.

" You are clear from your side, Nicky. Be careful. I will be your eyes" Birkoff replied anxiously.

" I am heading on the first floor" Nikita informed.

* * *

" Katya, I am on position. I am hacking the safe now" a man informed Katya Udinov.

" I want those plans, Dimitri. Don't let me down" Katya replied coldly.

* * *

" Amanda, we have a situation here. I am heading to the second floor but the guards are already down. Dead. Katya is ahead of us" Alex informed Amanda.

" I don't have to tell you that it is crucial to keep those plans away from her" Amanda said.

" No, you don't. I have visual with two guards and one operative. He has just opened the safe. I am going in" Alex said.

Suddenly, she took two shots and the two guards fell down dead. Dimitri turned around and he started attacking Alex. He managed to punch Alex to her waist and forced her to take some steps back in order to regain her balance. She replied with two kicks to his guts and he knocked him out slamming her gun in his face with force. She bent down and took the plans in her hands. She placed them under her jacket and she started running for exctraction when she heard gunshots and screams. Alex took a deep breath and ran towards the noise.

* * *

" Nikita, watch out. You have two guards on your back" Birkoff screamed to Nikita.

Nikita immediately turned around to face the threat but she lost her balance when a punch landed on her face. She regained control and returned the attack. Noone could say who had the upper hand until some gunshots were heard and Nikita froze.

* * *

" Katya, we have a situation. A third party interrupted our mission. Nikita is here and she is attacking our men" someone informed Katya.

Katya immediately stood up, grabbed her gun and entered the building. She froze for a minute when she saw a woman beating her men but then she took action. She lifted her gun up and shoot two rounds in the air.

* * *

" Stop or I will shoot you next" Katya threatened and pointed her gun to Nikita.

Nikita stared at the woman in front of her and after awhile, she opened her hands in surrender.

" Handcuff her. Now" Katya ordered her men.

" The anonymous woman from Russia" Nikita stated.

" Hi, Kathrin or should I say Nikita?" Katya asked amused that she had finally had on her hands the person who destroyed her plan years ago.

" What are you doing here?" Katya questioned her and walked towards her.

" Same thing as you do, I guess" Nikita said coldly.

Suddenly, Katya slapped Nikita hard on the face.

" The great Nikita, finally. You don't look so tough without your back-up" Katya said and slapped Nikita's face one more.

" Three against one. I though that you were better than that" someone said from behind the two women.

" Alex?" Nikita whispered in horror.

" Nice to see you again, Alexandra" Katya said and grinned.

" I can't say the same" Alex replied softly trying to keep her emotions under control.

" Your hand is still on a plaster, I can see" Katya said coldly.

" Oh, yes, you did a pretty good job with my arm. Broken in three differents spots. You are good." Alex replied coldly.

" Thanks. But I didn't get the information that I wanted. So I guess that I wasn't good enough. Maybe next time" Katya replied.

" Oh, no. You were good. I wasn't going to give you what you wanted anyway" Alex said and smiled softly.

" You are the KGB rogue agent who tortured Alex?" Nikita asked in disbelief.

" KGB rogue agent? This is only what Alex told you?" Katya asked and laughed.

" She didn't tell me exactly anything. She doesn't talk to me anymore, we have some issues the last year" Nikita explained.

" That is something that I didn't expect to learn." Katya said in disbelief. When she tortured Alex, she thought that she was protecting her friend, not an ex-friend.

" Everyday you learn something new" Alex stated trying to soften the situation.

" What are you doing here, Alex?" Katya asked annoyed.

" The same things with you two" Alex said calmly.

" Good luck with that" Katya replied sarcastically.

" Well, I don't need luck. You did the half job for me. I just stole the plans from your operative. You need to train them better. I took 3 of your men down with a broken arm. You are better than that. Or maybe you are nothing when you are not in control." Alex said calmly provoquing Katya.

" Guys? What the hell is going on?" Nikita asked confused from their conversation.

" Alex, do you want to explain to her how we know each other?" Katya asked amused realising that her daughter hasn't told anything to Nikita.

" I don't think so. I am bored of explanations. Do you want to debrief her?" Alex said and felt her heart beat raising inside her chest. She didn't want Nikita to learn of this like that. She didn't want her to learn anything of that, to be honest.

" No, I am fine. I will have time to chat with Nikita. She is under my custody now. So now I am more intrested on you" Katya replied calmly.

" Do not underestimate her, Katya" Alex said firmly.

" Did you send a team after me, Alexandra?" Katya asked ignoring Alex's comment.

" That was Amanda. I have learnt from your mistake. If you want a job to be done, do it yourself" Alex replied coldly.

" Then why am I still alive?" Katya asked.

" Because I don't enjoy killing people" Alex replied calmly.

" Or you are just too weak to pull the trigger" Katya said softly.

" Maybe you are right" Alex answered honestly.

" I think that I am right" Katya stated seriously.

" To be honest, I don't want to find out" Alex said.

" So, Nikita..." Katya said and turned her attention to Nikita.

" Katya" Nikita replied having heard the woman's name.

" What kind of death do you prefer? Slow or quick?" Katya asked smiling.

" Why do you want me dead?" Nikita asked confused.

" You messed the things up with me" Katya replied and lifted her gun to Nikita's head.

" You don't want to do that Katya" Alex said seriously and pointed her gun at Katya.

" Give me the plans of the bomb and I will give you Nikita" Katya proposed.

" Don't you dare hand the plans to a terrorist" Nikita yelled.

" Easy Nikita" Katya said and grabbed Nikita's hair from behind and placed the gun on her throat.

" Alex?" Katya asked again and she kicked Nikita's knees so that Nikita felt on the ground and she was standing behind her, gun pointed at Nikita's head.

Alex lifted her gun up and shot the to guards behind Nikita.  
" Bad choice. She was a good shield'' Alex said sarcastically.

" I am still alive." Katya replied.

" And I am running out of patience" Alex said coldly.

" What do you want Alex?" Katya asked annoyed from Alex's behaviour.

" Release Nikita" Alex said calmly and Katya laughed.

" I need to fix what she broke. She destroyed my plans" Katya yelled.

" You want to show to the world that noone can defy your orders without consequences. But it is too late to fix this, you can't fix your reputation over that incident. Nikita's death will be pass unnoticeable. Actually no, Amanda will notice her death and she will haunt you down for taking away her chance to take her revenge on her" Alex stated.

" You don't have problem to hand Nikita to Amanda but you have problem to let her with me?" Katya asked confused.

" You are correct. Amanda has dignity and self-esteem, at least. You have nothing. You don't have limits, you don't have respect for your enemy. So yes, of course and I would choose Amanda over you. And trust me she is better than you in causing excruciating pain." Alex replied coldly.

" You are playing with fire" Katya warned

" Am I? Katya...you don't have to kill Nikita. If you want to fix the problem, complete the mission by yourself.. or maybe you are too weak to pull the trigger?" Alex asked sarcastically returning Katya's comment.

" Don't do that" Katya said and pointed her gun at Alex.

" Let Nikita out of this. This is something between us." Alex replied keeping her gun pointed at Katya.

" Or I can kill her. I know that you care. You will fail her and that will torn you apart" Katya stated seriously.

" Katya, you don't know anything about me. I might care, I might not. The sure is that I am not going to let you murder anyone, and especially not Nikita" Alex said.

" Why not Nikita? She had caused you so much pain and we all know that this is true." Katya replied calmly.

" If I want Nikita dead, I will do it with my own bare hands and I will look her in her eyes when she will leave her last breathe. I will look at her when the life is going to leave her eyes. She will die by my hand, face to face, not from behind. She will die knowing who her killer was. She will die knowing that she turned my love into hate. She will die, if I want her dead!" Alex said with a murderous tone.

" Alex?" Nikita whispered in shock hearing Alex's words and feeling like she was being stabbed..

" You want the pleasure to kill Nikita by yourself. We can arrange that. I will torture her and you can finish her" Katya replied impressed by Alex's statement.

" I said IF I want her dead, I didn't say that I want her dead" Alex emphasized her comment.

" So you don't want Nikita dead?" Katya asked confused.

" This isn't your business." Alex said angrily.

" What do you want for Nikita, Alex? Death, torture, happy life? What? Open your cards!" Katya yelled irritated.

" I can tell you what I don't want for Nikita. I don't want her to be near you" Alex replied.

" If you want that, then give me the fucking plans" Katya shouted.

" You have your deal" Alex replied seriously.

" Alex, do you hate me?" Katya asked.

" No" Alex replied honestly.

" Do you love me?" Katya asked.

" You will never know. I know what you are thinking. Don't make me shoot you, play by the rules and don't double-cross me. Because no matter what my feelings are for you, I am not going to let you kill Nikita" Alex said trying to reason her mother. She knew what her mother was thinking and why she asked those questions, she was her mother after all, she knew her. But she wished that she would play along and not cause any problems.


	17. dead woman walking

" So... how are we going to do it?" Katya asked.

" I will leave the plans on the table. As soon as I have Nikita with me, you are free to go and get them" Alex replied and placed the plans on the table and then she took two steps behind.

" How do I know that you will honor our deal and you are not going to shoot me?" Katya asked trying to identify Alex's intentions.

" I am not going to shoot you, if you don't force me to pull the trigger. I don't want to kill you. And if you play by the rules, I don't find a reason to do so" Alex replied calmly.

" I will still be after you. I will haunt you down. You know that." Katya said firmly.

" Yes. I know that. But my decision isn't going to change. I won't kill you if I can avoid it" Alex replied seriously. She was her mother! She couldn't just murder her own mother.

" Fine. Nikita walk slowly towards Alex" Katya ordered and pushed Nikita foward.

Nikita looked at Katya and then at Alex.

" Come on, Nikita. I don't have the whole day." Alex said.

" You are crazy right? Why you can't just shoot her and run?" Nikita asked confused.

" It is complicated. Now walk" Alex replied nervously.

" Listen to Alexandra, Nikita. I might change my mind and decide that my revenge is more imprtant than the plans" Katya said.

" Fine" Nikita said and started walking towards Alex. She didn't like being the object of an exchange and she hated the fact that she was handcuffed and unarmed. She was one step away from Alex when suddenly she saw Alex running towards her.

" Nikitaaaaaaa" Alex yelled and pushed away Nikita.

Nikita fell to the ground and heard two gunshots. She saw Alex backing off as a bullet hit her shoulder.

" Alex!" Nikita shouted anxious. Alex took a deep breath and she grabbed her wounded arm with her other hand.

" Destroy the plans" Alex ordered firmly and ran towards Katya. She knelt down near her and took her hand. Alex's bullet had landed into Katya's chest and she was gasping trying to breathe. There was nothing she could do. Katya was dying in front of her because of her.

" You wanted to know if I love. Yes. I love you. I will always love you" Alex shouted and let some tears to fall down.

" Alexandra.." Katya said groaning in pain and cupping Alex's face.

" I am sorry. I am really sorry. I didn't want to shoot you. But I couldn't let you.." Alex begged for her mother's forgiveness.

" Alexandra, I forgive you. You protected your family. I am proud of you. Nikita is lucky to have you" Katya said breathing heavily. In her last mments she decided to be the mother that Alex deserved. The mother that Alex had lost years ago.

" I am sorry" Alex cried.

" I love you" Katya said her last words and her hand fall limp.  
" I love you, too" Alex said and bent down and kissed Katya's forehead. She gently closed Katya's eyes and she started sobbing repeating that she was sorry. After some minutes, she was brought out of her thoughts when she heard Nikita calling her.

" Alex?" Nikita asked in shock not realising what is going on.

" Did you destroy the plans?" Alex asked with shaking voice trying not to reveal her emotions. She was feeling so powerless, she wanted to die, she had killed her mother, she had seen the life leaving her mama's eyes like she did with her papa. She didn't want to feel this pain anymore, she wanted not to feel anything.

" Yes. Are you ok?" Nikita said worried about Alex's odd attitude.

" I will be fine" Alex lied and took the keys of Nikita's handcuffs in her hands. She took a deep breath and stood up still trembing because of her emotions. She walked towards Nikita and uncuffed her.

" Run" Alex said simply without looking at Nikita.

" I can't. Your shoulder. You need medical care. You took that bullet for me, I can't leave you" Nikita argued.

" Yes, you can. It didn't hit anything. It is a clean wound, through-through. I will be fine. Please Nikita. Just go" Alex tried to persuade Nikita.

" Fine" Nikita said and hugged Alex.

" What the hell?" Nikita yelled when she found herself on the ground, Alex had pushed her away violently.

She turned around and she saw Alex holding her bleeding waist. Alex fell to her knees still bleeding.

" I knew that you couldn't be trusted" someone said with a smoking gun pointed at Alex.

" Now, I will become Amanda's favorite. I will kill Nikita and I will hand you to her. You didn't have to take that bullet, Alex. It was meant for Nikita. I want you alive to suffer" someone added and pointed the gun to Nikita.

Alex gathered her power and lifted her gun and she fired it. Nikita watched in shock as a body fell to the ground with a thumb.

" Over my dead body, Jaden" Alex whispered and fell to the ground groaning out of pain.

" Alex?" Nikita whispered in shock and run towards Alex's body.

" Nikita" Alex whispered trying to fight the darkness.

" Birkoff! Alex is down! Where is Michael?" Nikita yelled to her comm.

" He is one minute out. He is coming to you" Birkoff said worried.

" Alex, baby girl.. please stay with me! please" Nikita pleaded.

" Nikita... go... it isn't safe..." Alex managed to say.

" No. I am not going anywhere. You took two bullets for me Alex. You were shot twice. I am not going anywhere" Nikita shouted angrily to Alex. Ok. They had their issues but she couldn't believe that Alex prefered to die than to accept her help. That was unacceptable.

" Nikita?" Michael shouted and ran towards her.

" Michael help her" Nikita yelled back and felt relieved that Michael was there to help them.

" How did this happen?" Michael said when he saw Alex bleeding.

" She took the bullets for me. Come. Get her in the back of the car with me and drive to safehouse no 4" Nikita ordered.

Michael grabbed Alex's body in his arms like it weighted nothing and ran out of the building. Nikita opened the door to the back seat and helped Michael to place Alex's body on her laps.

" Bring me the towels from behind" Nikita yelled and placed her hands on Alex's wounds trying to stop the bleeding.

" Alex, stay with me, please" Nikita said softly with shaking voice to Alex, who looked at her and then turned her gaze away.

" It is dangerous. Make yourself a favor and run" Alex whispered with a grave, barely audible voice.

" Stop it, Alex. I know that you hate me but I am not going to let you die. Why did you take those bullets for me anyway? Why did you save me if you hate me so much?" Nikita yelled and pressed more Alex's wounds noticing that Alex continued to bleed out.

" I don't..." Alex started but she couldn't complete her sentence, she felt dizzy.

Nikita noticed that Alex's eyes were about to close and panicked.

" Don't you dare die on me! Hang on! Alex fight!" Nikita yelled worried that she will lose her baby girl.

Alex blinked her eyes and stared at Nikita.

" Sorry" Alex said weakily.

" We are here. Nikita go get the medical kit, I will bring Alex inside" Michael ordered and grabbed carefully Alex's body. He lifted it up in his hug and run into the house.

" Put her on the table" Nikita yelled and ran towards them with the medical supplies.

" Nikita, she is still conscious but she is breathing heavily. She had lost a lot of blood. " Michael informed Nikita.

" Damn Alex. Why did you take those bullets for me?" Nikita whispered in frustation.

Alex opened her eyes wide when she noticed that Nikita had a syrigne in her hands.

" Don't you dare drug me, Nikita. I will pass out naturally" Alex whispered angrily.

" I am sorry, Alex. I can let you suffer. It is going to be painfull. I can't let you suffer" Nikita apologized and injected Alex with the sedative.

After 4 hours...

" She is going to kill me if she comes around" Nikita cried to Michael.

" She will come around" Michael said firmly.

" And I will be a dead woman when she realised that I drugged her and handcuffed her on the bed" Nikita said devastated.

" Do you really have to handcuff her?" Michael asked nervously.

" She hates me! She didn't want my help even when she was dying. She might try to leave and she needs to rest for now. I didn't know what else to do to keep her here, safe. I am a dead woman walking." Nikita explained angrily.

" We will see soon" Michael said and smiled.

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked confused.

" She is coming around" Michael said and nodded towards the bed, where a handcuffed Alex has started gaining consciouness.

" I am so dead" Nikita whispered defeated.


	18. drugged and hancuffed

_My head is killing me. What happened? Ooh yes, mom and Jaden shot me. Oh my god, I killed my mom. I don't believe it. Oh god, sorry sorry sorry! please forgive me! Where am I? Am I dead? No I am not dead. Nikita took care of my wounds, she thinks that I hate her. What Am I suppose to tell her? How Am I going to explain the fact that I took two bullets for her. Oooh god my mark is burning me...right I haven't taken my medicine and like that I am not going to be able to get it any time soon. Great more pain... Syrigne. The last thing that I remember is a syrigne. OMG NIKITA DRUGGED ME_ Alex thought and slowly she started opening her eyes. She felt them heavy but she continued the effort.

" Goodmornig beautiful" Michael said and walked towards her. Nikita stayed in the shadows too afraid to face Alex.

" Michael?" Alex asked with her eyes semi-opened. She was still trying to adjust the new environment.

" How do you feel?" Michael asked.

" Thanks to you and Nikita alive. Thanks" Alex said honestly and looked at Michael.

" You are welcome. It was the least that we could do. You saved Nikita's life, twice. Thank you" Michael replied and smiled softly.

" It was the least that I could" Alex returned the comment and smiled back.

Alex turned her gaze from Michael to see her new condition. She saw a big bandage on her waist, she took a deep breathe and looked to her broken arm still on a plaster, she looked higher and she saw her shoulder with a bandage, she shook her head softly. She wanted to touch the burning mark but she couldn't move her other hand. She looked at it and she opened her eyes in surprise. Her other hand was handcuffed above her head to the bed. She smiled softly and she turned to Michael still smiling.

" She drugged me and handcuffed me on the bed?" Alex asked amused and angry at the same time.

" Don't get mad at her" Michael pleaded and gestured to Nikita to step foward and face Alex.

" Sorry" Nikita said avoiding eye's contact.

" You drugged me? Really? You drugged me?'' Alex asked in absolute disbelief.

" I couldn't let you suffer. I wanted to spare you some pain." Nikita said honestly.

" On what am I now?" Alex asked when she noticed that the pain wasn't excruciating as it should be.

" Morphine" Nikita replied defeated. She didn't want to fight with Alex anymore.

" Can you please take it off?" Alex asked with anger in her tone.

" Alex, you have two bullet wounds. You will suffer if I take it off" Nikita argued. She knew that Alex didn't want to get addicted again but this was a special situation. The pain will be excruciating.

" Nikita, I can handle the pain. Please" Alex said softer trying to persuade Nikita.

" Fine. But you will promise me that you will ask me for painkillers if it gets ugly" Nikita said firmly and walked towards Alex in order to take out the morphine.

" I promise" Alex said and looked at Nikita.

" Satisfied now?" Nikita asked when she took out the drug.

" Yes. Thanks." Alex said and smiled despite her pain.

" Why did you handcuff me?" Alex added a little harsher than she wanted but she could feel more and more pain as the drug stopped effecting her.

" Because you hate me and I don't want you to try anything stupid like leaving when you are still injured. You didn't want my help when you got shot at first place and I didn't know how you are going to react to my presence. I just want you to be safe. When you get better, you are free to go anywhere" Nikita explained seriously.

" So... I took two bullets and I committed two murders in order to save someone that I hate so much as you want to think and because I am... I don't know... SUPERWOMAN..?!... I would try to escape while I have two holes on my body even though I can hardly move... or because I am a complete maniac.. I would try to kill the woman that I saved and who saved my life in return... yes that make a complete sense to me!" Alex said angrily and sarcastically.

" Alex..." Nikita started, when she realised that her movement was wrong.

" Don't. Thanks for taking care of me" Alex said and turned her gaze away from Nikita. She closed her eyes in an attemp to hold back her tears. She had killed her mother and she had lost her mother figure. Wonderful. Nikita thought that Alex hated her. There were so many things that she didn't know.

" I will untie you" Nikita said firmly and took the keys of the handcuffs in her hands.

" Don't bother. Let the hancuff on." Alex replied seriously.

" No. You are right. I was wrong." Nikita argued.

" There is no right and wrong, Nikita, regarding the beliefs. This is what you believe about our relationship. I accept that. You don't trust that I will stay low and that I am not going to kill you in your sleep. So let the handcuffs on. I am your prisoner for as long as you want" Alex said and looked at Nikita with red eyes.

" You are not my prisoner" Nikita whispered defeated.

" I don't handcuff my friends, Nikita! I handcuff my enemies and my prisoners!" Alex said angrily.

" At least I am a lucky prisoner, my captor takes care of me" Alex added calmly.

" I am sorry" Nikita shouted " I am sorry for killing your father, I am sorry for lying to you, I am sorry for make you hate me! Do you want to punch me, shoot me, shout at me? Do it. I am sorry for making you hate me" Nikita screamed.

" I don't hate you" Alex interrupted Nikita's outbrust.

" What?" Nikita asked in shock.

Alex didn't have the chance to answer because the door opened and Birkoff ran into the house.

" How did this happen?" Birkoff yelled. Alex took a deep breathe and closed her eyes.

" I am screwed" Alex whispered to herself not daring to look at Birkoff.

" She took two bullets for me" Nikita answered calmly.

Birkoff looked at her and then at Alex. His gaze stopped at her handcuffed hand and opened widely from the shock.

" You handcuffed her?" Birkoff asked in disbelief.

" Birkoff.. I thought that she would try to escape" Nikita defended herself.

" You handcuffed her?" Birkoff repeated her question.

" Birkoff.." Michael started.

" She took two bullets for you and you handcuffed her?" Birkoff yelled angrily.

" You handcuffed her? She has two bullet wounds Nikita. She is a human not a fictional hero. How exactly is she going to escape? She will fly out of here? Because I am pretty damn sure that she can't walk out of here" Birkoff shouted at Nikita.

" I made a mistake! I am sorry! " Nikita yelled back frustated.

" Alex, are you ok?" Birkoff turned his attention to Alex.

" Yes. They took good care of me. Don't worry and don't shout at them" Alex said still avoiding Birkoff's eyes.

" Did you take your medicine?" Birkoff asked Alex.

" What medicine?" Nikita and Michael asked in union.

" You didn't tell them?" Birkoff asked in disbelief.

" The virus isn't lethal anymore. There is no need for them to know" Alex said and looked at Birkoff.

" Are you crazy? I know what this virus can do to your system. Katya knew exactly what she was doing when she injected you and you know pretty well that the pain that it can cause is unbearable. You miss a dose from the cure, you are in pain. How many doses have you lost already?" Birkoff yelled.

" Birkoff. Don't" Alex pleaded.

" How many?" Birkoff asked again.

" Two" Alex said defeated.

'' oh my god. You are crazy!'' Birkoff whispered.

" Why you didn't tell them?" Birkoff asked after awhile.

" Birkoff" Alex said and looked him at the eyes.

" Oh. You can't tell them without telling them the truth. They will ask for explanations and you can't explain to them. And if you take the cure in front of them, they will understand what is going on. So you choose the pain" Birkoff said when he realised Alex's gaze.

" What is going on?" Nikita asked confused.

" Thank you, nerd" Alex said sadly.

" I am going to bring you what you need and call Amanda to let her know that you are alive, she has freaked out. And you are going to talk to Nikita and explain to her what is going on." Birkoff said firmly.

" No way" Alex replied seriously.

" You need to talk with each other before you kill each other. I know why you don't want to involve her but you have to. Alex. Stop torturing yourself and her." Birkoff said softly.

" No. I can't." Alex replied.

" Then, I will tell her what is going on and I will show her the video." Birkoff blackmailed her.

" Why do you want to hurt her like that? Showing her the video? Really? This is torture!" Alex said in disbelief. She knew that if Nikita watched the video of Katya's interrogation, then she will start beating herself for letting Alex being hurt and for believing that Alex betrayed her.

" She believes that you hate her, Alex! There isn't torture like that." Birkoff begged her.

" You are wrong. There is worse torture. Trust me there is." Alex replied firmly.

" And what this would be?" Birkoff asked.

" Look her in the eyes when she will watch the video and you will know." Alex said calmly.

" I will give you one hour, Alex. One hour to tell her the truth. After that the five hours of the video will talk instead of you. Stop hurting yourself in order to do what you are doing. I am not going to let you or Nikita die without share your feelings first. I am tired of both of you" Birkoff said and ran out of the house.

" What is he talking about?" Nikita asked confused


	19. truth takes time

"what is he talking about?" Nikita asked confused.

" Nothing" Alex said and sighed loudly.

" Alex, it didn't sound like nothing to me. What I don't know?" Nikita asked again.

" Let it go, Nikita" Alex said firmly.

" No. I want an answer Alex. What the hell is going on?" Nikita shouted angrily. She was tired of trying to make peace with Alex.

" I don't have anything to share about what Birkoff said." Alex replied calmly and closed her eyes in order to control her pain.

" Alex. Talk to her. I don't know what is going on, but you took two bullets for her, Alex. If you hate so much, you would have let her die" Michael pleaded softly.

" Why did you take those bullets, Alex? You want to kill me by yourself? You want revenge? What do you want?" Nikita yelled frustated.

" I gave you a bullet wound, I took a bullet wound away from you. I never said that I hate you. And right now I want you to stop yelling because I don't want to add to the pained parts of my body, my fucking head" Alex shouted back.

" If you don't hate me, then what is all this about?" Nikita asked angrily.

" Oh god. You are really stubborn" Alex mentioned.

" Not as stubborn as you are. Tell me what is going on!" Nikita replied trying to calm herself.

" Nothing is going on." Alex said firmly.

" Michael leave us alone please" Nikita pleaded Michael. She needed to work it out alone.

" Fine. If you need anything, call me" Michael said and left the room giving to the two girls some space to talk in private.

" Why you can't just let it go?" Alex asked weakily and felt the pain growing inside her. The burning from the virus was getting worse and the bullet wounds didn't help her at all.

" Because I want the truth." Nikita said and sat next to Alex on the bed trying not to move her and cause her more pain.

" And how far are you willing to go in order to get this truth?" Alex asked when her mind flashed back to Katya's interrogation and cold sweat covered her body.

" As far as I have" Nikita replied softly staring at Alex, not understanding Alex's question.

" Don't get mad at me, but I have to ask you." Alex said nervously and looked at her.

" Are you planning to torture out the truth anytime soon?" Alex asked anxiously trying not to insult Nikita by asking her something like that. She already knew the answer but she had to make it sure so that she can relax a little. Her body was screaming out of pain but she was trying to remain silent.

" Hell no, Alex. Who do you think that I am? Amanda?" Nikita shouted angrily and insulted.

" I told you not to get mad." Alex stated calmly.

" You can't ask me something like that and expect me not to get angry." Nikita exclaimed.

" The only reason why I asked you something like this, is because this scene is fucking familliar to me. The last time that someone wanted the truth and I was handcuffed and wounded on a bed, I got tortured and raped again and again. I didn't want to insult you. I just wanted to ask you to uncuff me and move me away from the bed so that I am not going into panic attack or worse terminator mode. I didn't want to offend you" Alex cut her off and defended herself.

" I didn't know." Nikita said sadly.

" You couldn't know. I never told you and I didn't let anyone else to do so." Alex replied and gave to Nikita a small smile.

" What do you want me to do?" Nikita asked seriously with a business tone.

" Move me away from the bed and you can continue your interrogation. You can handcuff me again somewhere else, if you want. I understand." Alex replied calmly.

" As you wish." Nikita said and stood up. She uncuffed Alex's hand and helped her stand up. Slowly they walked towards the living room and Nikita carefully placed Alex on a couch.

" Do you want to handcuff me again?" Alex asked when Nikita took a seat next to her.

" Do I have to handcuff you?" Nikita returned the question.

" It depends on what you are afraid that I might do" Alex replied honestly and stared at Nikita.

" Are you going to try to escape me?" Nikita asked nervously.

" I think that know the answer to that. Look at me Nikita. Do you really think that I can even try to escape you?" Alex asked in disbelief.

" Well no. Obviously you can't. But if you could, you wouldn't try?" Nikita said.

" Am I your prisoner, Nikita?" Alex asked trying to make Nikita understand that she doesn't think rationally.

" No." Nikita replied firmly.

" The prisoners escape their captor. If I am not a prisoner of yours, I don't find a reason to try to escape and not just thank you for saving my life and leave from the front door without any complications." Alex mentioned softly.

" Next question." Alex added seriously.

" Are you going to hurt yourself?" Nikita asked worried.

" There is nothing more that I can harm anyway. I think that I have to handle enough pain as it is. But I don't find a reason to self-destruct. Why should I hurt myself? I am not that crazy." Alex said seriously.

" I know what you want to ask Nikita. Ask me. It is ok." Alex encouraged Nikita to ask exactly what she wanted.

" Are you going to try to attack me?" Nikita asked and stared directly at Alex's eyes.

" That is a question worth asking. I could just say no but I am pretty sure that it isn't enough. I have hurt before, why not now? right?" Alex said softly.

" Alex..." Nikita started.

" I know exactly what I have done, Nikita. An emotional explanation won't be enough or trust worthy, so let's forget about emotions and other personal aspects. Let's see it from a neutral point of view. Even if I want to attack you. I can't. It is difficult to fight you when I am totally healthy. It will be irrational to attack you when I can't even stand up by myself. It would be a lethal mistake that I would probably pay with my life. I am not so crazy." Alex explained calmly.

" But if it worths anything, I DON'T WANT to attack you. I wouldn't attack you even if I was fine. I don't want to attack you." Alex said firmly not turning her gaze away from Nikita's eyes.

Nikita nodded in silence accepting Alex's honest response.

" So...Do you want to handcuff me?" Alex returned the conversation to the start point.

" No. I don't think that we need the handcuffs here for.." Nikita said.

" For now." Alex completed her sentence and offered her a sad smile.

" Don't worry. I understand. I handed you to Amanda, I shot you, I hurt you. You can't trust me. It is understandable" Alex reassurred Nikita when she noticed that her face has darkened and sadness had taken over.

" Back to your interrogation, now?" Alex asked.

" What Birkoff was talking about? What truth?" Nikita asked and stared at Alex.

" You can't just leave that topic?" Alex asked with a tone of disapproval.

" No. I can't. I want to know the truth." Nikita replied.

" Truth takes time, Nikita" Alex said seriously.

" What does this suppose to mean?" Nikita asked confused.

" It means that I am not going to tell you anything today. You will learn the truth piece by piece as the time passes. I can't force Birkoff to remain silent, but I am not going to answer any questions regarding the ' truth' " Alex said firmly.

" I am not leaving this topic. I will return to it later." Nikita informed Alex.

" What medicine are you taking?" Nikita asked worried.

" I have a virus. I take the cure." Alex replied softly and she touched her burning mark with her fingers. She took a deep breathe and closed her eyes fighting the pain and the tears.

" How? What happened? Why you didn't tell me?" Nikita asked quickly, her own anger rising inside her.

" The virus isn't lethal anymore. There is no need to tell you anything." Alex replied calmly.

" Oooh oh. wait. This virus was lethal once?" Nikita asked in shock.

" When you met us in the club? I was there to meet the doctor who made the cure and pay him." Alex replied calmly.

" And you didn't think that you should have told me that you were dying?" Nikita yelled in disbelief.

" Nikita. There was no reason for you to know. What difference it will make?" Alex explained herself.

" It would have made a difference, Alex. What if you died and I didn't know it. What if I never had the chance to tell you that I am sorry for everything and that I miss you so much. " Nikita replied honestly.

" I didn't die. I was there to take the cure. And I could have died in any other mission. I could have died when we were still partners. It would have made no difference. I am sorry if it hurt you that I didn't share this detail with you but I didn't want to make the things more difficult for you. You were already confused and hurt. You thought that I hated you, I had shot you, I had hurt you millions times but you couldn't accept that. You didn't care about the possibility to be killed by my own hand. You wanted to reach me and explain yourself. Your mind was already fighting with your feeling. The announcement of my potentional future death, it will only make the things more complicated for you. I am sorry if my decision hurt you but I don't regret it" Alex said firmly.

" I don't want to fight over that, Nikita. Please. We can't change the past." Alex added softly.

" Fine. So now... you are cured?" Nikita agreed to continue the conversation.

" Not exactly." Alex said honestly.

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked confused.

" The virus had two fonctions. The lethal part is cured. The other part is under cure, but not cured yet." Alex explained.

" What does the other part cause?" Nikita asked scared for Alex's response.

" Pain and burn from the inside." Alex said sadly and closed her eyes for awhile.

" Pain?" Nikita asked confused.

" You feel like you are on fire and being tortured at the same time. I don't recommend it. It is unbearable" Alex said.

" Why you didn't tell me?" Nikita asked.

" The answer to this question is part from the truth that I am not willing to share." Alex replied calmly.

" So you preferred the pain than the truth?" Nikita asked in shock and disbelief.

" Yes. I am already in pain, I can handle a little more." Alex replied casually.

" Who did that to you?" Nikita asked disgust.

" You know that I was held hostage and interrogated for intel. One of the torture was this virus. They kept me alive by providing me the cure but the pain was unbearable. The pain that causes you is enough to kill you slowly. If that part of the virus wasn't under cure right now, I would have died weeks ago" Alex explained.

" Katya. She is the one who tortured you, isn't she?" Nikita asked when the realisation hit her.

" Yes. She was." Alex whispered and turned her gaze away.

" Who was she? Why did you care about her? Someone from your past? A friend from the brothel maybe?" Nikita asked confused. If this woman had caused so much pain to Alex, why Alex wanted to protect her? It didn't make sense.

" I am not ready to answer you this question, Nikita." Alex said honestly.

" Part of the truth?" Nikita asked.

" Not exactly. I am just not ready to tell you and trust me, you aren't ready to hear it" Alex said and looked at Nikita.

Nikita looked at Alex with puzzled eyes and she was about to ask something when the door opened and Birkoff entered the house. He walked towards the girls. He placed a syrigne on a table and turned to face Alex.

" Take the cure and tell her the truth" Birkoff ordered firmly.

" No and no" Alex replied seriously.


	20. truth to be told

" Take the cure and tell her the truth" Birkoff ordered.

" No and no" Alex replied firmly.

" Don't be silly, Alex." Birkoff said angrily.

" Stop playing God." Alex replied coldly.

" You know that I can't inject you without your instructions. A little mistake can kill you. Tell me what I have to do" Birkoff pleaded.

" No. I am not taking the cure here." Alex replied seriously.

" Stop it, Alex! Just tell her the truth! I am not going to let you continue this suicide mission by yourself. Tell her" Birkoff yelled frustated with Alex's stubborn head.

" And what are you going to do to stop me, Birkoff?" Alex asked nervously. She didn't want to have this fight in front of Nikita.

" I will tell her the truth" Birkoff replied calmly.

" What truth?" Nikita yelled angrily. She was tired of not understanding what was going on.

" And then what? You will just get me killed earlier!" Alex shouted.

" You can trust Nikita! She won't betray you." Birkoff shouted back.

Alex gathered her power and stood up. She walked towards the table and rested herself on it in a standing position.

" Why should I trust Nikita with that?" Alex asked softly.

" Because she is Nikita, Alex." Birkoff replied calmly.

" She never trusted me. She betrayed my trust in order to keep me focused. Why should I trust her? When the only thing that she did, was lying to me and keeping secrets from me." Alex said sadly. She was tired and pained.

" I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to protect you." Nikita defended herself.

" You lied to me Nikita. You lied to me again and again. You betrayed my trust. I gave you a chance to make things right. I asked directly if you were always honest with me. You looked me at the eyes and lied to me, Nikita. You looked me at the eyes, damn. And now I can't trust you." Alex replied to her.

" You know that I don't want to hurt her, Birkoff. You know why I am keeping her out of this. It might not be the ideal way to achieve my goal but that doesn't change my decision. I don't want her to know. One mistake and I would be dead. One mistake. One wrong reaction, one wrong word, one little mistake and my blood would be on her hands. I don't want that for her. We are talking about my life Birkoff. I am not willing to take the risk of trusting her." Alex said and looked at Birkoff.

" So you will choose to torture yourself or worse get yourself killed than to tell her the truth?" Birkoff asked in disbelief.

" Someone will suffer anyway Birkoff. I choose that person to be me. I can't tell her. Not now." Alex replied calmly.

" What if you die Alex? What am I supposed to tell her? Let her believe in a lie? How am I supposed to explain her everything? She will hate herself for letting you go, she will hate herself for letting you die. What am I suppose to tell her if something goes really bad?" Birkoff shouted.

" I don't know Birkoff what you are supposed to tell her if I die. I don't expect you to tell her anything. I don't know Birkoff. I only know that I can't do it right now. I can't tell her now." Alex said defeated.

" You almost die today, Alex! You would have died and Nikita would have thought that you hate her!" Birkoff yelled.

" I would have died trying to protect her. If that wasn't enough to make her understand that I didn't really hate her, then I don't think that any explanation or any truth can persuade her otherwise" Alex shouted back.

" How are you going to protect her if she learns the truth from anyone else. It will kill her!" Birkoff tries to reason Alex.

" If it comes to it, I will face her anger then and I will be there for her, I will be there when she will need to take out her rage. I will be there to take her frustation, I will be there to take her punchs, her shouts. I will be there to hold her! I can't do that right now. I can't even hold myself right now." Alex replied tired.

" You have to do it Alex. What if someone else shows her the video or tell her the truth?" Birkoff continued pressing Alex.

" I. Don't. Know" Alex shouted angrily.

" What if Katya captures her and show her the video to torture her? You know that it will cause her more pain than anything else that Katya will have on store for her. She will learn the truth from Katya. She will learn what you did for her from her worst nightmare. Do you want her to learn the truth from Katya? Do you want the truth to be used as a weapon against Nikita? This is what you want?" Birkoff challenged Alex.

Alex looked at him with wide eyes. Then she collapsed on a chair and closed her eyes trying to control her tears back.

" Katya isn't a problem anymore" Alex replied with a shaking voice and her pain was obvious.

" What do you mean with that? She didn't change her target, did she? She is still out there asking for revenge." Birkoff asked confused.

" The bullet wound on my shoulder? Katya." Alex informed him.

" What happened?" Birkoff asked shocked.

" Katya shot me, Alex pushed me away and she took the bullet for me." Nikita explained calmly, glad that she could follow this part of the conversation.

" What happened to Katya?" Birkoff asked scared for the answer and looked at a broken Alex.

" Dead." Nikita replied simply and followed his gaze and stared at Alex, too. She could see now that the emotional pain was excruciating and she was worried about that. Alex seemed exhausted and almost broken. Who the hell was Katya?

" You killed her?" Birkoff gasped looking at Nikita.

" You let her kill her? Why? Why you didn't stop her? Why did you let her kill her?" Birkoff asked Alex confused.

" I didn't let her kill her. She didn't kill her" Alex replied through gritted teeth.

" eh?" Birkoff asked trying to understand what had happened.

" I did it. I killed Katya." Alex said with trembling voice and stared at him. Birkoff's eyes opened widely from the shock and he let a little scream of surprise to escape his mouth.

" Who the hell is Katya?" Nikita asked confused.

" Alex, I am so so sorry! I am so sorry that you had to choose, I am so sorry that you had to take the shot" Birkoff cried and went to hug Alex.

Alex let her guard down for awhile and she let some tears to fall while she was in Birkoff's hug.

" I am so sorry" Birkoff whispered in her ear.

" I am sorry, too. But I couldn't. I begged her not to try anything stupid. I begged her to leave Nikita out of this fucking situation. I asked her to take her revenge on me. I asked her to make an example of me and not of Nikita, to break me and not her. She didn't listen. She tried to kill her. I couldn't let her. I just couldn't." Alex cried softly.

" I know Alex. I know that you did everything in your power to protect both of them. I know. I know that it would be difficult to choose. But it is going to be fine. I promise you Alex. It is going to be fine." Birkoff tried to calm her.

" I should have done more. I should have found another way to stop her." Alex started beating herself up.

" Alex, you did everything in your power. Stop beating yourself up for this. You made a choice. You chose Nikita. You couldn't save both and you know it." Birkoff tried to reason her.

" It wasn't enough. Yes, I made a choice and I don't regret it. But that doesn't change anything. I have her blood on my hands. Her death is on my shoulders. I don't know how I was able to do it. I don't know where I found the strenght to pull the trigger and end her life" Alex protested.

" You found the strength in your heart. Your love for Nikita and your will to protect her gave you the courage to make the choice." Birkoff explained.

" It hurts Birkoff. It hurts. I killed her. I took her life." Alex replied softly with watery eyes.

" She took too many things away from you. She tortured you. She tried to kill you. She took Nikita away from you. She wasn't a saint." Birkoff tried to find reasons to help Alex handle the emotional pain.

" I never said that she was a saint. But the facts are facts. No matter what she did. I loved her. I always did and I will always do. Even, when she raped me and tortured me, I never stopped loving her. I couldn't bring myself to hate her." Alex said honestly.

" Alex. You need to tell her the truth. You can't lose her. You have to set her free. Don't let this gap between you two to torn you apart. You don't deserve that. You can't lose her. You sacrificed everything to protect Nikita. Don't sacrifice your relationship with her, too. You have suffered enough, Alex. Don't punish yourself anymore for things that never weren't under your control. Please Alex. Just tell her the truth, just let her back in and if she hurts you again, I won't try to stop you. If she hurts you again, you can leave and I will make sure that she will leave you alone. But for now, just let her back in. You killed Katya and that is killing you. Don't kill Nikita, too. Give her a chace. Give yourself a chance. Tell her the truth." Birkoff pleaded with tears in his eyes.

" And what am I supposed to tell her? How am I supposed to explain her everything? How am I going to answer her questions and her accusations, when I don't have the answers, even for myself? How am I supposed to hold her when I am breaking down piece by piece? I can't do this Birkoff. Not now." Alex replied devastated and walked away.

" I am tired of you two talking about me like I am not here" Nikita yelled.

" I am tired of not understanding what the hell is going on! I want the truth, Alex. Now." Nikita ordered firmly.

" I can't" Alex whispered.

" Alex just tell her. She has a right to know" Birkoff shouted.

" I can't" Alex said and her fingers found their way to her mark under the button of her jean. She touched it softly and closed her eyes as images of Katya's interrogation flashed across her mind. The burn was getting higher and higher every minute such as the desire to collapse or get the cure.

" She never betrayed you! She never hated you! All this time, she is trying to protect you!" Birkoff yelled.

" Birkoff, please" Alex pleaded her voice barely audible.

" All the missions that you destroyed? Alex. She is the one who informed me about them and how Division is going to work so that you don't find any obstacle. When she handed you to Amanda? Well she never really handed you. When she punched you, she bugged you. Owen, the man who attacked the vehicles? He isn't my friend. He is Alex's ally. The safe houses that we live in? Alex pays for them. When she shot you in Russia? She did so to protect you from Katya. When Katya interrogated Alex, she wanted an intel. She wanted your location and Alex didn't give up on it. She almost died protecting us. Today, she took two bullets for you and she killed Katya, her..." Birkoff started debriefing Nikita.

" Birkoff. SHUT UP" Alex cut him off before he could finish his sentence and reveal Katya's identity.

" She needs to know what you did for her, what you sacrificed to keep her safe!" Birkoff yelled angrily.

" Not this one. I can't stop you but please don't tell her." Alex replied softly.

Birkoff was about to argue when she noticed that Alex was pale and she was trying not to collapse.

" Are you ok?" Birkoff asked worried.

" The burn..." Alex cocked and arched her body in pain.

Birkoff ran towards her and supported her, he helped her sit on the couch and knelt down next to her. His hands were now resting on her button and his eyes were filled with an apology.

" What are you doing?" Nikita asked when she found her voice back. She was still in shock from what Birkoff had said before but the scene in front of her with Birkoff's hands on Alex's button was too shocking to bring her mind back in reality.

" Alex. I am sorry but I have to take a look at it" Birkoff apologized.

" Please, don't" Alex begged him. She didn't want Nikita to find out about this like that.

" I am really sorry" Birkoff apologized and defied Alex's wish. He unbuttoned Alex's pants and looked at the scar.

It was a big circle and in the center of it the letter 'N'. The scar was red and it was burning like hell. Birkoff touched it and looked at Alex.

" What do you think that you are doing?" Nikita yelled and ran towards him. She pushed him away and was about to start shouting at him when she noticed the scar. She looked at Alex and then back at her scar. She knelt down and examined it.

" N'' Nikita whispered to herself.

" What is that?" Nikita asked after awhile. Alex didn't reply.

" You have to take the cure Alex. It is burning like hell. I don't know how you handle the pain for so long but you have to end it now. Please. Just tell me where to inject you." Birkoff pleaded.

" Please" he added when he didn't get an answer.

" On the letter." Alex replied defeated and closed her eyes.

Birkoff was about to approach Alex once again and inject her when Nikita stopped him.

" Your hands will stay away from Alex" Nikita ordered harsh.

" I will do it" Nikita added softer.

She took the cure and injected Alex. She saw Alex trying not to groan out of pain as the cure entered her system.

" Thanks" Alex said after awhile with her eyes still closed.

" What the ' N' means?" Nikita asked coldly.

" Nikita, please" Alex replied.

" I want the truth Alex. All of it. No matter if I am going to hurt. I want to know the whole truth" Nikita said firmly.

Alex nodded in understanding.

" The 'N' means ' Nikita'." Alex replied softly.

" Why?" Nikita managed to ask.

" I have told you before what the mark means. A reminder of what I went through and what I would have betrayed when she will be done with me. Katya said that when she breaks me that mark will be the greatest pain. A reminder that I couldn't protect the person I care about, that I don't have a soul, that I am unable to love because I am so fucked up, that I am a monster who has betrayed everything and everyone. A reminder that she owns me, that she could make me do everything. The first letter of the name of the person that I would have given up. She said that everytime that I will look at my body, I will remember that I betrayed that person. I will always carry that person and the guilt of his death with me. I will have failed my friend like I failed my father. It is a reminder that I would have given up on you in order to spare me some pain. A reminder that Katya would have broken me. A reminder that I would have betrayed you. A reminder that your blood would have been on my hands. A reminder that I would have failed you. A reminder that in the end, I would have broken and I would have given up on you." Alex explained.

" Who the hell is this woman? Why did she do to you all that? What did she want?" Nikita yelled angrily. Alex was right the truth takes time. Nikita was in complete shock.

" You have the video, don't you?" Nikita asked Birkoff. He nodded affirmatively. " I want to see it." Nikita ordered.

" Please. Don't see this video Nikita." Alex pleaded.

" I need to learn the truth." Nikita replied softly and cupped Alex's wounded waist.

" Who is Katya?" Nikita asked trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Alex opened her mouth to respond but she didn't have time to form any kind of form because Michael ran into the living room from his room.

" Amanda wants to speak with Alex." Michael informed a puzzled Nikita.

**Ayushi95 thaaaanks for your help! I hope that you all enjoyed the new chapter! Please review and let me know what Nikita's reaction would you like to be! See you soon guys!**


	21. world crushing down

" Amanda wants to speak with Alex." Michael informed a puzzled Nikita.

" How does Amanda know that Alex is with us in first place?" Nikita asked confused.

" I think that this is because of me." Birkoff replied honestly.

" What do you mean?" Michael asked.

" Well, when Alex didn't show up in the check point after the mission, Amanda freaked out. She knew that Katya was in the building and she thought that Alex was captured. She knew that Alex couldn't defend properly herself and she knew Katya's abilities. She called me and asked me to help her find Alex before Katya kills her for good this time or worse continues her torture. I told her that Alex was wounded and with you." Birkoff explained the situation quickly.

" I am sure now. You want to get me killed! " Alex exclaimed in disbelief.

" Since when Amanda cares about the safety of her operatives?" Nikita asked puzzled.

" Nikita, Amanda has seen part of the video of Alex's interrogation and I can assure you that even if she is a sadistic bitch, she doesn't want that faith for anyone. Not even for you. I don't know if she really cares or not, but none deserves to suffer like that." Birkoff tried to explain Amanda's odd behaviour.

" What the hell did Katya do to you?" Nikita shouted.

" You don't want to know." Alex whispered sadly.

" Guys. Amanda." Michael said not understanding what they were talking about.

" Let's give Amanda what she wants" Nikita replied calmly and looked at Alex who nodded.

" If you don't want to get me killed, then I need you to play along." Alex pleaded trying to stand up.

" Tell me what I need to do." Nikita said firmly.

" Take out your gun and put the handcuffs back on. Forget what Birkoff said before, I hate you, I want you to suffer, I handed you to Amanda. You don't want to kill me but you don't mind punch me or slap me if you feel offended. I am your prisoner here until I get better. Prisoner." Alex replied and looked at Nikita.

" You are my prisoner, little bitch" Nikita said coldly and Alex's smile grew up.

" Now, let's hope that I don't get killed." Alex said calmly.

Nikita helped Alex stand up and put the handcuffs on. She leaded Alex in the office. Michael pressed 'play' and Amanda's face pop up on the screen. Nikita pointed the gun to the chair in front of the screen and ordered Alex to take a sit, gun now pointed at her.

" Is the gun really necessary, Nikita?" Amanda asked coldly watching the scene.

" With your russian bitch around, yes, it is." Nikita replied coldly as ice.

" Alex?" Amanda asked softly trying to understand why Alex let Nikita insult her like that.

" Handcuffs, bullet wounds, gun. She can call me whatever she wants, I am not in position to react." Alex explained calmly reading Amanda's feature.

" You have really pissed her off!" Amanda exclaimed.

" Can you blame her?" Alex replied calmly reminding to Amanda that she did hand Nikita to her, she did threaten her life.

" No. But I can't blame you either." Amanda said honestly thinking of the relationship that Alex and Nikita used to share and what had occured during the past year that lead it to that. Betrayals, gunshots etc.

" What do you want Amanda?" Michael asked harsh.

" To talk with Alex. I need to inform her about some things and then I will let you alone." Amanda replied.

" Talk" Nikita ordered.

" Alex, we ran a DNA test on the corps in your father's grave." Amanda started.

" What? Why?" Nikita cut her off confused.

" Shut up Nikita for one second. I am giving you a gift right now and only one you will get from me. Use it wisely." Amanda replied angrily and looked back at Alex.

" And?" Alex asked.

" The body belongs to your father." Amanda informed her and Alex sighed in relief. After Katya, she just wanted to make sure that no more surprises are going to occur. Especially after Katya told her that she had failed him, she started to believe that the things weren't as it seemed to be and that might her father had survived that night. Especially when Katya told her that she had failed him.

" But..." Amanda added.

" But? I don't like your _but_ Amanda!" Alex said scared.

" You were right." Amanda replied.

" I don't like what I think that you are going to say next." Alex pleaded.

" Nikita didn't kill your father." Amanda completed her debriefing.

" What do you mean?" Nikita shouted in disbelief.

" The body of your father was placed there three years after Nikita killed him." Amanda replied calmly gaze fixed to Alex.

" Amanda split it out." Alex ordered feeling that Amanda had more things to say. Alex could feel her eyes burning from tears that tried too hard to keep back.

" Alex. I am sorry. He had signs of torture" Amanda said sadly.

" Who?" Alex asked coldly as ice and felt her rage growing up.

" We don't know. But he was marked with an 'A' like you are marked with a 'N' " Amanda answered calmly not wanting to accuse Alex's mother for his father death and torture.

" Katya" Alex breathed in disbelief.

" We have reasons to believe that the main target of operation Pale Fire was you and not your father." Amanda continued.

"My father put a double to replace thinking that he was the target and if he was dead, the agents wouldn't bother to kill me. Katya thought that he hired Nikita to save me and she tortured him for my location in order to finish her job. When I reclaimed my identity back, she changed target and she went after Nikita." Alex put her thoughts together.

" The traumas on his body match with yours and the mark with your first letter was placed in a part of his body with great meaning." Amanda said calmly.

" What do you mean? Where did he mark him?" Alex asked scared for the answer.

" Katya marked you at your low abdomen. It was personal. You protected Nikita with everything you had." Amanda started her explanation.

" I didn't protect her. I didn't have her location." Alex lied with gritted teeth.

" But even if you had, I am sure that you would have made the same decision. Anyway, Katya thought that you knew and this is the important thing here. For her point of view, you let her violate your body, break your bones, beat you up and rape you in order to protect Nikita. You went through things that none would have gone through if it wasn't for the familly. You protected Nikita like she was your mother, your daughter, your sister. She marked you there in order to remind you that you gave up on your mother, daughter and sister. She injected you there in order to take you away the ability to make your own children- thankfully unsuccefully- because you did choose Nikita over your own mother and in her eyes you didn't deserve to become a mother..." Amanda explained the meaning of Alex's mark.

" What?" Nikita asked in shock and felt a wall of tears coming up in her eyes. She didn't know any of these. She didn't know that the place of Alex's mark had that meaning. She didn't know that Alex had risked her ability to have children in order to protect her.

"I know that Katya tried to sterilize me, she was pretty damn clear when she told me her intentions and I know the meaning of my mark, Amanda.." Alex said annoyed that Nikita had to learn about this from Amanda.

" Get to the point. Where did he mark him?" Alex added angrily.

" On his chest. You were his heart and he would have given up on his heart if Katya had managed to break him. You were his daughter, he did everything to protect you. " Amanda replied softly.

" _You failed your own father, Alexandra, just like you are going to fail Nikita."_ Alex repeated Katya's words loudly.

" My guess is that she wanted to taunt you with the fact that your father was alive and tortured while you did nothing to help him and after that you didn't revenge his death by killing Nikita. And you would have failed Nikita because you would have given up on her location and because you wouldn't have been able to protect her or take revenge for her death by killing Katya." Amanda explained.

" It will be easier if the people that I loved, weren't responsible for each other's death" Alex mentioned coldly.

" It is ok to feel human, Alex. It is ok to want Nikita alive, it is ok to want Katya alive, it is ok to want both of them dead at the same time. It is ok to feel betrayed and hurt. It is ok to keep caring and loving them at the same time. It is ok not to want to take revenge on them even after the hurt you. It isn't a weakness, it is strength. You are able to hold on to your love than to your hate. It is admirable. And for now, Nikita and Katya are both alive and far away from each other" Amanda tried to calm Alex. She knew what Alex was thinking, it was her job after all for years and she couldn't blame the young girl. It was normal.

" Amanda since when do you consider love as strength and not weakness? And I must assume that the team hasn't reached yet, Alexei's house?" Alex asked in disbelief.

" Well, I started reconsider my opinion about love when you admitted to me that you were Nikita's mole and I realised that you had defeated all my mind games and torture sessions in order to protect her. I can't tell you that something that can make you strong enough to go through all that is a weakness. It might be an liability if you lose your focus or if they use it against you but as it is, it is strength. MAYBE you were right when you told me that love is strength, even if it hurts you or passes away, it is strength." Amanda replied satisfied with the stunned look on Alex's face.

" And no the team hasn't reached there yet, why?" Amanda asked worried.

" Because, beside Jaden's body, you are going to find Katya's body as well." Alex said sadly with teary eyes.

" What? How? " Amanda shouted surprised.

" It isn't the right time nor the right place for this debriefing. They had already heard enough." Alex replied firmly trying to gain some time in order to come up with a cover story.

" Alex. I am truly sorry." Amanda said honestly.

" I want the file of operation Pale Fire on my desk when I come back." Alex ordered with anger in her voice.

" Alex..." Amanda tried to calm her sensing the upcoming storm.

" Don't say anything more. Talk to Percy. I want to know how three different parties managed to fake my family's death. I want to know if he was counting on Nikita's inability to murder a kid or not. I want to know how in a mission were reported 3 deaths, but none of the targets didn't die for real!" Alex cut her off.

" You know that Percy cooperates only with you, Alex." Amanda replied.

" I am sure that you can find a way to make him cooperate." Alex said seriously.

" You want me to torture the truth out of him?" Amanda asked in shock.

" No. He will want to be tortured by you. I am doing him a favor. He doesn't want to be interrogated by me, no regarding this issue, trust me." Alex said coldly and felt the woman, who his father wanted her to be, taking control over her.

" I want the answer when I come back. I want to know how did this happen! I want to know who targetted me when I was 13, who faked my mother's death, who faked my father's death and why! " Alex ordered frustated.

" Why are you coming back Alex?" Amanda asked not being able to control her question any longer.

" Why shouldn't?" Alex asked nervously.

" Nikita didn't kill your father. I thought that you would like to stay with her." Amanda replied honestly.

" Stop questioning our alliance, Amanda. I don't appreciate it. Do you remember what I said to you when we establish our alliance?" Alex said firmly.

" You said _There is only one rule; no more lies. You can hate me as much as you want, you can torture me if that makes you feel better and I will stay around. But the day that you will lie to me, our alliance is over._" Amanda replied softly.

" You have your answer." Alex said coldly.

" If you thought that Alex would turn her back on you, why did you tell her about her father? And what exactly did you mean when you said that I didn't kill her father? What was going on?" Nikita asked confused stepping in the conversation.

" Because I have learnt from your mistakes Nikita. You can't hide the truth from Alex. She will find it out eventually and it will work against you. Telling her the truth was my only chance to maintain our relationship. I don't want her as my enemy. We don't know the identity of the person that you shot. We found his DNA but we don't have a match yet." Amanda replied calmly..

" I am getting tired with this case Amanda. I am running out of patience. I want to know why!" Alex said calmly but you could feel her anger radiating towards everyone around her.

" You know my theory" Amanda tried to calm her.

" I don't want theories, Amanda. I want facts." Alex replied firmly.

" Alex, relax." Amanda said trying to calm her.

" I have a price on my fucking head, Amanda. My mother put a price on my head! Don't tell me to relax!" Alex shouted unable to control her nerves.

" About the price? It has been doubled and now they want to get you alive. Dead isn't an option anymore." Amanda informed Alex hesitantly.

" What?" Alex whispered in disbelief.

" They want to get you with any cost. Think about my theory Alexandra." Amanda said softly.

" Amanda even if I am a descedant of Anastasia Romanova-Великая Княжна Анастасия Николаевна Романова- the only survivor of the Tsar famiy, even if I am the legal leader of Russia, their Tsarina, who the hell is trying so badly to get to me ?" Alex asked in disbelief.

" Tsarina of Russia?" Nikita asked confused.

" The people who are after you want one of the two: Try to persuade you to accept your heritage, become the Tsarina and establish again the monarchy in Russia or execute you publically and make it sure that the royal blood is over for ever. I don't know." Amanda replied to Alex.

" You know that your theory is insane, right?" Alex asked firmly.

" Is it Alexandra?" Amanda returned the question.

" Yes, it is. Anyway, I want to know why my mother and her people are after me and I want facts, no crazy theories. Talk to Percy." Alex ordered and turned to look at Nikita.

" I am done here" Alex told her and Nikita terminated the video call with Amanda.

" What is going on?" Michael found his voice and managed to ask the one million dollars question.

" Long story." Alex replied softly and tried to stand up.

Nikita let her gun down, uncuffed her hands and helped Alex to walk towards the couch. Softly she helped her sit down and took a seat next to her.

" Is your mother alive?" Nikita asked in shock, but in her voice was obvious that she wanted happy things to happen to Alex.

Alex looked at Birkoff with a confused look. She didn't know what to reply, how to reply.

" Tell her the truth." Birkoff whispered.

" She was." Alex replied softly and let a tear to fall.

" Was?" Nikita questioned sadly.

" Katya.." Alex paused to take a deep a breathe.

" Katya killed your mother?" Nikita gasped misunderstanding Alex's pause.

" Katya IS my mother, Nikita" Alex replied firmly and looked at Nikita with watery eyes.


	22. video

" Katya IS my mother, Nikita" Alex replied firmly and looked at Nikita with watery eyes.

Nikita blinked her eyes in shock twice and stared at Alex, she saw as tears started filling her eyes.

" No, no, no!" Nikita yelled and walked away from Alex.

" Birkoff, now, do you understand why I didn't tell her?" Alex asked Birkoff angrily and stared at him with a lethal gaze.

" Nikita?" Birkoff asked confused.

" No! Katya isn't Alex's mom! Alex can't kill her mother to protect me! It is all a damn lie!" Nikita shouted in denial.

Alex sighed and let the tears to fall down. She closed her eyes and rested her body on the couch.

" Nikita! Stop being a bitch!" Birkoff yelled angrily.

" It can't be true." Nikita whispered in shock. She couldn't believe that Alex had killed her own mother to protect her. It was too much.

" Truth takes time." Alex said softly.

" Time?" Nikita asked in disbelief.

" Enough!" Birkoff shouted and Nikita and Alex stared at him.

" I am really sorry, Alex. I know that you don't want Nikita to see the video but I am not going to stand still and let her hurt you more. You have been through hell in order to protect her. She has to know that." Birkoff said firmly.

" Birkoff, don't. She has every right to be mad at me. She has every right to be confused. You don't have to show her the video." Alex pleaded worried. Nikita couldn't stand to hear the truth, how she was supposed to be able to watch the truth?

" It is not negociable." Birkoff said and opened the TV, he put inside a DVD.

" Nikita, watch that. All the five hours. And then you can yell at her as much as you want." Birkoff ordered.

" Michael, give them some space." Birkoff said and walked towards the door with Michael. He paused and pressed play. He closed the door and left leaving the girls alone.

The video started play and Nikita froze when she saw Katya's face on the screen.

_" Hi, Division. Hi, Amanda. You know what I am looking for and we all know that only one person has the answer, my dear Alexandra. I have heard that she fooled you and managed to overpower your torture. I must admit that she has balls. This will be a 5 hours video with my favorites part of our time together. Let's see how much she can stand for Nikita" Katya said._

_The scene changed. Alex was tied with large chains. Her hands were opened in her side and tied, her waist was tied too. She was standing in the middle of a spacious room. She looked exhausted and she was bleeding. It was obvious that she had been beaten up mercilessly._

_Katya walked towards her and punched her hard in the face making it to twist. Alex didn't let a single sound escape her mouth. She turned her face back to Katya and looked her in her eyes, fearlessly._

_" You haven't gotten bored of punching me?" Alex asked sarcastically and tired._

_" No, no yet." Katya said and smirked to Alex._

_Katya walked slowly behind Alex's body and stopped. Suddenly, she kicked Alex's knees from behind and forced Alex to fell on her knees, her arms now stretced painfully._

_" Make yourself a favor and don't try to stand up." Katya ordered threateningly._

_" As you wish" Alex replied coldly and obeyed. She needed a break from the contiounsly beating._

_Katya walked back in front of Alex and looked down at her._

_" Now. We can talk. You are standing exactly where you should. On your knees." Katya said satisfied with the scene in front of her._

_" Too bad that I can't say the same for you, too" Alex retorted and Katya's fist met angrily her face._

_" You should be grateful, Alexandra. You should be on your knees every single moment of your worthless life." Katya replied with hate._

_" The only reason that I am grateful to you is because you left my life when I was 13, mother." Alex said coldly and Katya gritted her teeth._

_" You were always too stubborn, Alexandra. We will fix that. You will learn that I always get what I want." Katya replied calmly._

_" So let me ask you; where is Nikita?" Katya asked coldly as ice._

_" I have no idea" Alex replied seriously._

_" I raise you, Alexandra. I know when you lie to me." Katya commented seriously._

_" You don't know anything about me anymore. You left me when I was dreaming to become a ballerina and my greatest fear was the monster under my bed. I am not the same person anymore. You don't know me. None does." Alex replied sadly._

_" Does Nikita know the real you?" Katya asked curiously. She didn't expect such an answer from Alex and now she was curious._

_" Yes and no. She knows a great part of me but not all of me. I kept some things for myself." Alex replied trying to minimize the importance of their relationship._

_" Fine. May I ask you something before we continue with the torture?" Katya asked._

_" Whatever you want." Alex replied firmly._

_" If you knew Nikita's location, would you have given me this intel?" Katya asked._

_" No" Alex replied simply and looked directly into Katya's eyes._

_" So you would choose Nikita over me?" Katya asked and walked behind Alex and trailed her fingers on Alex's stretched hand._

_" If you want to put this way, yes" Alex said honestly and braised herself for whatever Katya was going to do to her from behind._

_" I remember when you were 7, you fell and broke your right hand." Katya said and trailed her fingers on Alex right hand._

_" Tell me where to find Nikita, Alexandra. Save yourself." Katya pleaded._

_" I don't know" Alex lied firmly._

_Katya suddenly took a hold Alex's shoulder and landed her elbow on Alex's stretched arm. A horrified sound of breaking bone was heard and Alex groaned in pain while Katya laughed loudly enjoying the pain that Alex was in. She grabbed Alex from the hair and forced her to look into her eyes._

_" You asked for this, Alexandra. I gave you a lot of warnings. I always get what I want and I will get Nikita's location out of you." Katya said and pressed Alex's broken arm to emphasize her words._

_" You are always welcome to try" Alex retorted in pain not trying to hide anymore the fact that she knew where Nikita was._

_The scene changed again and now Alex was hanging from the celling, her foot barely touching the ground. She was bleeding from every inch of her body and she was covered with bruises. Katya was there too covered with Alex's blood and holding some heavy chains in her hands._

_" Tell me what I want to know, Alexandra." Katya ordered angrily._

_" I don't know" Alex replied again. Katya started hitting her in her ribs with the chains and Alex groaned loudly trying to breathe ignoring the broken ribs._

_" We are here 4 days, Alexandra. You have been tortured all the time. Is Nikita so worthy? Are you willing to give your life to protect her? Because I am willing to kill you in order to break you. You will break, Alexandra. You will be on your knees and knuckled under my power. Is Nikita so worthy?" Katya asked angrily and landed the chains one more on Alex's broken body._

_Alex slowly lifted her head and looked at Katya._

_" Yes, she is." Alex said seriously and Katya's anger grew inside her._

_" You are going to regret that." Katya said and gestured something to her people._

_After a while four men arrived carrying big bags full of ice and torture tools._

_" Lower her" Katya ordered and Alex's body slowly reached the floor._

_" I am going to give you one more chance. Where is Nikita?" Katya shouted frustated._

_" I don't know" Alex said calmly._

_" Pin her down on the floor" Katya ordered his men and they forced Alex to lay down on the cold floor, face on the ground, hands above the head and ankles tied on the floor so that she couldn't move or stand up. Katya stood in front of Alex and we force stomped her feet on her already broken right hand again and again breaking it in some more spots. Alex screamed in pain._

_" Are you sure that you want me to continue with the next stage of the torture? Give up, Alexandra. Spare yourself some pain. I will win anyway, you don't have to suffer too." Katya said softly._

_" Why do you care? I don't have the information that you need, so go on with whatever you want. I don't have to give you anything." Alex replied firmly._

_" Remember you wanted that." Katya said and cut with a scalpel Alex's T-shirt leaving her with only her bras in the cold floor. She took on bag full of ice and threw the ice on Alex's naked body. Alex suddered because of the cold ice and started shaking softly as the ice melt on her back and her skin soaked with freezing cold water. Katya walked towards the bag with the tools and brought out some belts and some horsewhips. She handed the horsewhips to her men and kept the belt for herself. She started hitting with force Alex's back causing some deep cuts on it and then she nodded to her men to continue her example. For hours 4 persons were flagellating Alex's soaked back mercilessly. By the time they end, Alex's back was covered all over with blood from her cuts and Alex had passed out._

_The scene change again. Alex was sitting in a chair tied up with wires connected with a battery. Alex's screams filled the room as Katya turned on the battery and 500 volts of electricity passed through Alex's yet wet body. After several times, Katya stopped._

_" You are strong." Katya commented._

_" I don't have the intel that you want Katya" Alex gasped her body still in unimaginable pain._

_" Yes, you have it. Let's give you something to drink." Katya said calmly and took in her hands a bottle full with blood._

_" You have lost a lot of blood. Let's put it back in your system" Katya added laughing as Alex's eyes widened in shock._

_Katya nodded to her men and two of them walked towards Alex. They titled her head back and force her mouth to open._

_" Keep her mouth open" Katya ordered as she stood above Alex and started pouring her own blood in her mouth. Alex tried to struggle but soon she realised that she was only going to make her position worse so she stayed still but she refused to shallow. Katya closed Alex's mouth with her hands._

_" Shallow your blood bitch" Katya shouted and punced Alex forcing her to shallow her blood._

_" How does it taste the blood of a fucking bastard bitch?" Katya commented when Alex lifted her head back up._

_" I don't know. I didn't taste your blood!" Alex retorted angrily and Katya rained her punches on Alex's face and stomach._

_" Watch your language, Alexandra" Katya ordered when she regained control._

_" Or else what? I am grounded?" Alex said sarcastically unable to control her nerves._

_Katya turned on the battery again and let the electricity to pass through Alex's body until she passed out._

_Alex woke up tied in a metalic bed. She looked around and saw that she was wearing only her underwears and her hands and legs were both tied opened. She shallowed hard because of the intimacy of the scene. She had lived that again and again dozens times when she was a sex slave, she knew what was coming. Her eyes started to fill up with tears for the first time. She didn't believe that her mother would do something so extreme to her. She didn't believe that her mother will fall in such a low level. But she was determined not to give up on Nikita. She was determined to protect her best friend, her mentor with any cost._

_Katya entered the room. She walked towards Alex and hit her broken hand with a hammer breaking it again for third time during the last 6 days. She laughed loudly as Alex screamed in pain. She threw the hammer on the ground and climbed on Alex's waist letting all her weight on Alex's pained and broken body. She pressed her knees on Alex'ss ribs and grinned when Alex groaned in pain._

_" You don't want to talk. You will talk. I will make you talk" Katya said coldly and punched Alex on the face._

_" I don't have what you need, Katya." Alex gasped._

_" You will give up on Nikita, eventually. You are strong but not stronger than me." Katya replied firmly._

_" First of all, I don't have Nikita's location. Secondly, even if I had it, I would never give it to you. So go ahead with whatever you are planning to do." Alex said seriously._

_" You belong to me, Alexandra. All of you, your mind, your heart, your body." Katya paused to cup Alex's breast and cut her underwear so that she could have access to her internal organs._

_" And I am going to take what belong to me" Katya said and inserted her fingers to Alex's vagina. Alex stretched her body but she didn't say anything. She didn't want to give to Katya the pleasure of her breaking down. She looked directly into Katya's eyes disgust and didn't do anything to break eye's contact. Katya continued again and again for dozens times raping Alex._

_" Give me the bottle and the knife" Katya ordered frustated after sometime._

_She took the bottle and started to do the same things with it again and again but nothing worked. Then, she lost complete control, she forced Alex's head to twist and pressed her hand on it keeping it down with one cheek touching the bed. She took the knife and started raping Alex with its sharp edge. Alex winced in pain and Katya laughed satisfied that she finally got what she wanted._

_She took out the bloody knife and bring it to Alex's face._

_" Look straight to the camera. Don't you dare close your eyes or I will cut you from the inside out. I would love to show the video to Nikita someday." Katya said firmly._

_" Nikita will never be in your hands." Alex replied with hate in her voice and looked to the camera with teary pained eyes._

_" Yes, she will because the only person who loves her enough to go through hell won't be able to pull the trigger and protect her." Katya said and started raping Alex again and again._

_" I wouldn't count on that." Alex replied trying to keep her mind away from the fact that she was being raped with a knife by her own mother._

_" Ooh. I am sure. You couldn't kill Nikita and take revenge for your father. You aren't going to be able to kill me to protect Nikita." Katya replied calmly continuing her evil job._

_" Revenge isn't a good reason to kill Nikita.. I can't change the past..." Alex paused and let some tears to fall._

_" But protection is a good reason to kill... If killing you means, protecting someone, anyone from you..." Alex added and started feeling dizzy because of the blood loss and pain._

_" You can't kill your own mother, Alexandra. You are too weak to do that. I am your fucking mother, I gave you birth, I raised you, I show you love. You are my blood. You will never be able to kill me even if I have Nikita on gunpoint. You will never be able to protect her. You will fail her like you failed your father. YOU CAN'T PROTECT HER IF THAT MEANS KILLING YOUR MOTHER." Katya said._

_" If I had to choose between you and Nikita. Mama, I am sorry, but I will choose Nikita" Alex replied and passed out._

_- END OF THE VIDEO-_

" Nikita go to the bathroom and vomit please" Alex ordered seeing Nikita trying to hard not to vomit after seeing the video.

" Now, Nikita. It isn't healthy to hold it inside you" Alex added firmly and Nikita ran out of the room towards the bathroom. She kneeled down and vomitted, disgust from the scenes in the video.

" What have I done?" Nikita whispered to herself in complete shock and sat down near to the toilet and let some tears to fall.


	23. feelings on the surface

" Nikita go to the bathroom and vomit please" Alex ordered seeing Nikita trying to hard not to vomit after seeing the video.

" Now, Nikita. It isn't healthy to hold it inside you" Alex added firmly and Nikita ran out of the room towards the bathroom. She kneeled down and vomitted, disgust from the scenes in the video.

" What have I done?" Nikita whispered to herself in complete shock and sat down near to the toilet and let some tears to fall.

_How am I suppose to fix all of that? She went through hell in order to protect me and I treat her like she was my enemy. She got tortured, raped, almost killed because of me. She killed her own mother because of me. How am I suppose to fix that? How am I suppose to make her trust me again? How could I be so blind? How could I forget that she had promised me that she would accept me with my secrets, with my mistakes,with my ups and down. I have lost her. She will never forgive me for making her choose between me and her mother, she will never forgive me for making her pull the trigger. And her father? What did Amanda mean when she said that I didn't kill him? If he was alive, is Alex going to forgive me for letting him get tortured in order to protect her. I know that I don't deserve her forgiveness, I never did but I need to know what she thinks, I need to know if there is hope to get her back. I need to try. I owe to her to try. I owe it to our past. At least I have to try. _Nikita though and stood up, she brushed her teeth and braised herself in order to face Alex.

Slowly she walked towards the living room trying too hard to fight the want to run far away and save Alex from her presence. But she had to do that, she had to try to fix this. She froze when she heard voices from the inside. Birkoff and Alex were talking.

" I am sorry, Alex. I didn't know that she will react like that." Birkoff apologized.

" Everyone who had seen this video, had the same reaction with her. Sean vomited, Amanda almost fainted, I vomitted when Nikita took hold on my hand. What did you expect her to do?... she watched me being tortured, drinking my own blood and getting raped by my mother. It is a normal reaction. I am just glad that she didn't see the whole video. You erased some parts. Why?" Alex said sadly.

" Katya's interrogation was already creepy. I don't think that showing Nikita that Katya needled your eyes and all your body or that she put fire on your legs would make any difference. And those parts were only screaming, not talking. I think that the rape and the rest of the torture were enough. I spare both of you some pain from seeing the whole video" Birkoff explained his action.

_I didn't see the whole video? There is more? She needled her eyes and she set her on fire? How could Katya do that to her daughter? _Nikita thought hearing the conversation.

" Thanks. For not showing her the whole video. But I hate you for even showing her a part of it. She will never forgive me, Birkoff. What am I suppose to say to her? She will never forgive me for not telling her that someone was after her. She will never forgive me for putting her life in danger like that." Alex said devastated.

_what is she talking about? She did nothing wrong. I have nothing to forgive. The question is; How is she going to forgive me? I am the reason why she is in so much pain. _Nikita thought.

" Alex, don't be silly. She will forgive you. She will come back to you. But you need to tell her everything. Every little detail. She needs to understand that you didn't leave her because you hated her, but because it was the only way to protect her. The Truth, Alex. She needs to know the truth." Birkoff replied.

Alex was about to tell something when the door opened and Nikita stepped in. Alex looked at her and tried to find out what she was thinking but her gaze was unreadable.

" Can I have a second with Alex, nerd?" Nikita asked softly and Birkoff ran out of the room.

" Can I talk to you?" Nikita asked Alex hesitantly.

" I am sorry for the video. And yes, you can talk to me or yell at me, whatever you want. Just please keep the punching for later, I don't have any unbandaged parts on my body" Alex replied defensively. She didn't want to fight with Nikita.

Nikita took a deep breathe and walked towards Alex. She didn't dare to close the gap and hug her too afraid of her reaction.

" I don't want to yell at you and certainly, I don't want to punch you" Nikita said softly trying to show to Alex that she didn't want anymore problems.

" Do you mind if I sit next to you?" Nikita asked calmly.

" Nikita, I don't bite!" Alex replied sarcastically and stared at Nikita.

" Since when do you ask my permission to sit down in your living room? Sit down, Nikita" Alex added when Nikita didn't move. Nikita smiled softly and sat down.

Nikita stared back to Alex.

" Nikita?" Alex encouraged her mentor to tell her what she wanted to. She waited an outbrust and the delay got her scared.

" I wanted to thank you for protecting me like that even if you had no reason to do so" Nikita started.

" I had every reason to do so, Nikita" Alex corrected her.

" Let me finish, please" Nikita pleaded.

" Fine. I won't interrupt you again. Promise" Alex replied defeated.

" I want to apologize for everything. I am really sorry. I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness but I need you to know that I am sorry." Nikita said honestly with a pleading look that made Alex's heart melt. She didn't say anything as she had promised but she nodded softly with teary eyes.

" Can I ask you for a favor?" Nikita asked after a while.

" Yes." Alex replied softly.

" Can you give me a chance to get my little sister back? please?" Nikita asked softly.

Nikita's request made Alex heart to jump full of excitement. There was still hope.

" Only if you give me a chance to get my big sister back, too" Alex replied seriously and before she could understand what was happening, she found herself in a tight hug. Her body was screaming out of pain but she didn't dare pull apart not now, not when she needed that hug so much.

Slowly, she started breaking down. Tears rained down her cheeks as images of her mother lying down dead from her gunshot crossed her mind. Nikita pulled apart and she wiped Alex's tears and then hers.

" What is wrong?" Nikita asked worried.

" I killed her" Alex whispered with pain.

" I am so sorry, Alex. So sorry." Nikita replied and felt her own eyes burning with unshed tears. She needed to be the strong one for now. Alex needed her. She couldn't break down now, she couldn't give up in her guilt. She needed to stay strong for Alex.

Alex pulled apart and looked at Nikita.

" I have warned her. I gave her so many chances. I didn't want to kill her, but I couldn't let her hurt you. I gave her the chance to let you out of this. She could have taken my offer and killed me finishing the job by herself but no. She wanted revenge. Revenge was everything, because power was everything for her. Do you know why she wanted you to suffer? Do you know why she wanted you to kneel in front of her before she kills you?" Alex said angrily.

" No. I don't know. And you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Nikita replied honestly.

" You saved me. This is why she wanted you to suffer, to surrender under her power. You became a target just because you saved me." Alex said hars.

" What are you talking about Alex?" Nikita asked confused.

" My mother is the one who hired Division to slaughter my family." Alex explained calmly.

Nikita's jaw dropped from the surprise.

" Why?" Nikita managed to ask.

" Katya was a KGB agent with orders to form emotional relationship with Nikolai Udinov. She got married and then pregnant under orders. After several years she fell in love with my uncle, Sergei Semmak. Together, they planned the attack so that they can take control of Zetrov. When you saved me that night, I became a threat to their power. The daughter of Nikolai Udinov, the legal heiress of the russian empire, alive was unacceptable. They tried to find me but they failed, they didn't think to look to the black market, obviously. Anyway, when I reclaimed my identity and I took control of Zetrov, I was untouchable. It was too dangerous to try to kill me with all the cameras focused on me. But, my mother got angry. She made a research and she found out that you were the one who saved me and she came after you in order to take revenge. She wanted to teach you a lesson, that you can't defy her without painful consequences, she wanted you to scream that save me was the biggest mistake of your life, she wanted to make you an example. I am really sorry, Nikita. I am really sorry that they targeted you because of me" Alex said sadly.

" Alex, you aren't a mistake. You are the best thing that I have done in my life and I will never regret saving you that night. No matter what, no matter how much pain they cause me, you are the only thing that I don't regret in my life. And if my death is the reward that I have to pay for that decision then I would take it without hesitation. I would give my life for you, Alex. I am alive because of you, Alex. You are my everything." Nikita replied seriously.

" I wanted to let her live. I really wanted both of you to be safe. But I guess that I couldn't have both of you alive. I couldn't let her hurt you. This video that you saw was nothing in front of what she really did to me, that video show only some stupid hours. I couldn't let her hurt you like that. I would prefer to hand you to Amanda than let my mother have you even for an hour. I loved her, Nikita. I really loved her but I couldn't stand the idea of losing you. I will always choose you, always." Alex said firmly.

" I know that you loved your mother, Alex. I do. I am really sorry that you had to choose. I promise you that I will try to make it sure that you aren't going to regret that decision. Just please let me try." Nikita pleaded with shaking voice.

" There is nothing that you can do to make me regret my decision, Nikita. I will never regret saving you. Never." Alex said seriously.

" I have made you leave once..." Nikita whispered sadly.

" I never left you for real. I kept an eye on you. But anyway, I am here now. We are talking now, aren't we?" Alex said softly.

" Yes, now. But what about the next time that I mess it up?" Nikita replied.

" Then, I will kick your ass but I won't leave." Alex said seriously and Nikita smiled satisfied with Alex's reply.

" This year away from you was a constant torture" Alex added softly.

" Absolutely" Nikita agreed and hugged Alex.

" I missed you so much" Nikita added after a while.

" Nikita?" Alex asked hesitantly.

" Yes, Alex?" Nikita returned the question.

" Can I ask you for something?" Alex asked seriously.

" Of course." Nikita said worried.

" Please don't lie to me again. Please. You were supposed to watch my back and I felt like I was stabbed in the back again and again when I saw the video. Please, Nikita. Don't lie to me again." Alex pleaded.

" Oh Alex. I am so sorry. I promise you I will never lie to you. I will have your back. No more lies, no more secrets" Nikita said firmly and kissed Alex.

" So, I guess that I can have the whole truth, now?" Nikita asked after some minutes of silence.


	24. the whole truth

" So, I guess that I can have the whole truth, now?" Nikita asked after some minutes of silence.

Alex sighed sadly.

" Why do you always have to bring me back to the reality like that?" Alex asked sarcastically.

" We can do that another time" Nikita replied and smiled to the girl in her hug.

Alex pulled apart and stared at Nikita.

" I am tired of fighting with you. I am tired of you not feeling safe around me. I will reply all your questions. Ask me whatever you want." Alex said firmly.

" Alex, we can do it tomorrow. You need to rest and heal." Nikita tried to explain her that if she wanted to take her time, she didn't have problem with that.

" This ends tonight. I want to leave the past behind, Nikita. Ask me whatever you want" Alex replied seriously.

" Fine" Nikita said and smiled.

" What do you want to know?" Alex asked.

" What about the begining. How did you feel when you learnt that I was the killer of your dad?" Nikita replied.

" I was shocked. I watched the video again and again. I felt betrayed. After the first shock, I was hurt. Hurt because you were the one who pulled the trigger but mostly because you lied to me. I tried to persuade myself to take revenge on you but I couldn't do it. I realised that no matter what I will always care about you. But you lost my trust. I didn't want to be around you when I didn't know how many lies and secrets you have used to keep me focused. I couldn't kill you or hurt you, but I couldn't trust you anymore neither as a friend nor as an ally." Alex said sadly. She didn't want to remember those feelings but she had promised to tell Nikita the truth.

" This is why you turned yourself to Amanda?" Nikita asked sadly. She couldn't believe that she had caused so much pain to Alex, to the most precious thing in her life.

" No. I did it because it was the only way to protect you." Alex replied.

" Explain please" Nikita requested confused.

" One day, Amanda called me and handed me a new case, Operation Alexandra Udinov." Alex started.

" What?" Nikita shouted in shock.

" My mother had increased the price on my head and the russian mafia put a price on my head, too. Division couldn't be blind to a hunt like that especially when Alexandra Udinov was supposed to have been terminated by them. Amanda made a research and found out that Alexandra was the legal heiress of Zetrov and she wanted to expand her businesses to Russia. So she asked me to try to locate her and establish an alliance with her. She warned me that Alexandra would probably be connected with you and that I needed to take you down. She gave me the files and I left." Alex started her explanation.

" I spent two days reading Division's intel about Alexandra. They knew pretty much everything and I knew that Amanda sooner or later would have found the truth and then she would have used me to get to you. I couldn't risk your safety like that. I didn't trust you anymore and I knew that Amanda needed Alexandra alive. So I turned myself in. I placed my gun on Amanda's office and I asked her to let me finish my story before she decides if she wants to execute me or not. She looked puzzled but she accepted the deal." Alex paused.

" Then I debriefed her about Alexandra's research. _Alexandra Udinov was rescued by Nikita and she was handed to Nikolai's chauffer. The chauffer sold her to the black market under the name Sasca. Sasca escaped three years ago and she was found by Nikita. Together they worked to take down Division and Sasca inflirtate Division as a recruit by the name Alex. Alex was until recently Nikita's mole. The conclussion of my debriefing : I am Alexandra Udinov, daughter of Nikolai and Katya Udinov. I was Nikita's mole and no I don't know where she is. Our alliance isn't active anymore."_ Alex repeated her conversation with Amanda.

" How did she react?" Nikita asked and admired the younger girl's courage.

" By the time I finished my story, she was trembling full of anger. She took my gun and smashed it on my face and then we pay a visit to sublevel 12. After that, we establish our alliance." Alex said calmly.

" Sublevel 12? You went willingly to the sublevel 12?" Nikita asked surprised.

" Of course. She needed to take out her anger somehow and besides that I had just betrayed you, I needed to minimize the emotional pain and the best way to do that was to let Amanda torture me for some hours. If I was in physical pain, I couldn't have the time to think of you" Alex explained softly.

" You turned yourself in because you were about to be compromised and you wanted to make Amanda believe that we don't work anymore together so that she couldn't use you to get to me?" Nikita asked shortly.

" Yeah." Alex replied simply.

" And why did you make me think that you hated me?" Nikita asked a little harser than she wanted to.

" Because I didn't trust you anymore and because I knew that it was extremely dangerous for you to be anywhere near to me. Amanda knew who I was and she kept a close eye on me, waiting for a little mistake, a simple word, a simple act that will make her think that I played her once more time and will give her a reason to take her anger on me. I didn't trust you enough to let my life on your hands. And as I had two different prices on my head, anyone next to me was in great danger and I couldn't stand the idea of you being an accidental victim of my war. If you hated me, it would be easier for both of us. So I tried to give you something worth of your hate." Alex replied softly.

" Easier? You think that it was easier to think that I had lost you forever?" Nikita asked angrily.

" Nikita, you can't judge me for that decision. You betrayed my trust! How I was supposed to trust you with my life after realising that you have lied to me again and again, that you never trusted me? I did what I had to do to keep both of us safe" Alex retorted firmly.

" You could have kicked my ass and told me the truth!" Nikita insisted.

" And then what? I would have just put on my shoulders one more problem. I needed you to hate me, to play along with me, to fight me with all your anger, I needed you to persuade Amanda that I was with her for real. I was in that mission alone, Nikita and I don't regret that." Alex replied seriously.

" But you kept contact with Birkoff.." Nikita mentioned sadly.

" Birkoff never betrayed my trust. He is not a field agent and he is not Amanda's first target. So yes I kept in touch with nerd because I care about him and I missed him and because I care about you and Michael and I needed to know that you were- at least physically- okay" Alex said sofly.

" You handed me to Amanda." Nikita said.

" I bugged you and I handed you to the team to hand you to Amanda. I informed Birkoff, he called Owen, they rescued you. So, yes I handed to Amanda and I plot your rescue, too" Alex replied calmly.

" Who is Owen?" Nikita asked.

" Ex-cleaner, black box's guard, who wanted to take down Percy. Owen is an ally." Alex explained.

" When your team asked you what did you want to do with Michael, you made me beg you! I thought that you were going to kill him!" Nikita shouted when she remembered that memory.

" Kill him? Why?" Alex asked confused.

" I don't know. In order to hurt me, a pay back for your father..." Nikita didn't manage to finish her sentence, when her face made contact with Alex's palm.

" I would have never gone so far to take revenge on you. I care about Michael, Nikita. Yes, I am a killer, but I would never kill Michael to hurt you. No matter what was going on between us, you should have known me better." Alex said with gritted teeth.

Nikita was still shocked by Alex's slam.

" I am really sorry, Nikita, that you think so low of me. Maybe our relationship was broken before I decided to leave. Tell me Nikita when did you started to think of me as nothing more than a coldblood murderer?" Alex added offended.

Alex gathered her power and stood up walking away from Nikita.

" Alex, I don't think of you like that" Nikita defended herself.

" I am a good actress, Nikita, I am but I never thought of killing Michael not even as part of the act. I wouldn't have killed anyone Nikita just to make you suffer! You should have known me better. We spent years together, Nikita. I feel disgust of myself that even for a second you thought that I was capable to kill Michael to take revenge on you" Alex said.

" You have threatened me before.." Nikita retorted.

" I never told you that I will kill Michael to hurt you. I told you to run and not to risk Michael's life. We are in war, Nikita, war. And you don't fight me, you fight the whole Division. I can't protect you from everyone!" Alex shouted frustated.

" Alex.." Nikita started.

" Save it." Alex cut her off.

Alex opened her mouth to say something but she was stopped when an excruciating pain passed through her body from her mark forcing her to arche her body in pain. Nikita saw that and immediately jumped up and ran towards Alex.

" Alex?" Nikita asked worried while she supported Alex 's body.

Alex gently pushed Nikita away from her and walked towards the table where previously Birkoff have left some syringes with the cure when he entered the room after Nikita watched the video. With shaking hands, she picked up the syringe. She took a deep breathe and waited a while for the pain to pass.

" Let me help you" Nikita ordered and walked towards her.

" Thanks for the offer but no. I will do it by myself" Alex said coldly and she injected herself without looking at Nikita. She threw the syringe on the table and she placed both of her hands on the table to support her body as she felt burn and pain once more time. Too overwhelming, tired and in pain she let some tears to fall. Angrily she wiped the tears from her face and turned to Nikita.

" I didn't want to offend you. I didn't believe that you would do it but I thought of this yes. I am not proud of the fact that I doubt you so much. But I felt lost, Alex. I thought that I had lost you forever, that you hated me and that you wanted revenge with any cost. I thought that you didn't kill me because you wanted me to suffer first. And I was afraid of Michael because you know me better than anyone and you know that if you hurt the people that I love, I will suffer for the rest of my life. I didn't know that you cared about me, Alex. I thought that you were blind from your hate and that you would do exteme things to avenge your father's death because I know how much you loved him." Nikita apologized softly and walked towards Alex.

Alex nodded defeated and Nikita hugged her.

" Are you going to let me help you now?" Nikita whispered in Alex's ears.

" No." Alex replied simply and walked with difficulty back to the couch.

" You need to rest" Nikita exclaimed when she saw Alex sitting on the couch.

" What I need is to work this out tonight. I am not going to bring the past with me one more day. So, please, what else would you like to know?" Alex retorted firmly.

" You really need to rest Alex. You have two bullet wound, a broken hand in the healing process and a virus." Nikita argued.

" Nikita, tomorrow, I am not going to answer any other questions. So take your ass and sit down and ask me whatever you want to know!" Alex ordered seriously.

" Fine." Nikita said defeated and sat down.

" Why did you shoot me?" Nikita asked.

" I shot you because If I had taken you with me, I would have been obligated to hand you to Amanda. Katya didn't know how you look like yet and if I let you there bleeding then I would have bought you a little time. I didn't leave. I exitted the garage and I took a sniper position across the street just in case. I left when Michael came and got you into safety. I am sorry for shooting you." Alex replied calmly.

" It is ok now. Don't worry." Nikita said softly and smiled.

" What Amanda meant when she said that I didn't kill your father?" Nikita added.

" She meant that you didn't kill my father. My father knew that he was a target and he faked his death. He hoped that if he died that night, the team wouldn't come after me. He didn't know that I was the primary target. After that night, he got caught by Katya and you know the continue" Alex replied sadly.

" One last question; you are the tsarina of Russia?" Nikita asked surprised.

" This is Amanda's theory. When we learnt about my mother's involvement, we did a research. Katya had approached Nikolai a long time before he created Zetrov under orders of KGB. We found out that KGB thought that Nikolai Udinov was son of Anastasia Romanova and legal tsar of Russia. That makes me the legal tsarina of Russia." Alex explained the situation softly.

" Tsarina Alexandra Udinova Romanova" Nikita whispered amused.

" I will always be Alex." Alex retorted a little annoyed causing Nikita to laugh loudly.

" Your Highness can you please go to sleep now?" Nikita said sarcastically.

" If we are finished, I can try to get some sleep." Alex replied softly ignorinng the title Highness that Nikita used.

" Are you going to let me help you move to the bed?" Nikita asked.

" Do I really have a choice?" Alex retorted.

Nikita helped Alex to stand up and they walked slowly towards the bed. Alex lied down and winced in pain as her wounds started hurting again now that she didn't have the conversation to occupy her mind.

" As we are in bed, who is Sean?" Nikita sked hesitantly and laughed when Alex's mouth opened in shock.

" Boyfriend? Fun? Something more important? What?" Nikita pressed Alex more.

" We will see.." Alex replied and smiled.

" We will see?" Nikita repeated.

" Yeah, we will see..." Alex repeated her answer.

" Fine. You don't want to tell me. I accept that." Nikita replied defeated.

" Hey! I mean that we will see. I really don't know. It is different, I don't know" Alex said honestly.

" Oh. Someone is in love, someone is in love" Nikita sang and Alex's cheeks turned red.

" You are taking the role of big sister pretty serious. You started taunting me again!" Alex replied amused.

" Always baby girl" Nikita said smiling.

" Hmm Nikita...?" Alex asked hesitantly.

" Yeah" Nikita replied immediately.

" Would you mind to bring me one more dose of the cure?" Alex asked.

" Of course not, but you injected yourself 45 mins ago" Nikita said and walked to pick up the syringe with the cure.

" I am pretty aware of that but I am lying on a bed and when I am lying the virus works better so I take two doses in order not to wake up screaming. I don't think that I will sleep but I don't want to add the burn and the pain of the mark to the pain of the bullet wounds. I am human afterall and I don't enjoy the pain." Alex explained softly and lifted her hand to take the syringe from Nikita's hand.

" Can you please let me do it?" Nikita asked and denied to pass the cure to Alex.

Alex looked at her and then she nodded softly figuring out that Nikita needed some type of closure. She sighed loudly and let Nikita to take care of her.

Nikita lifted Alex's tank and unbuttoned her panties exposing the mark. She injected the cure and she trailed her fingers on the spot. Slowly she lowered herself and placed a soft kiss on the mark while she let some tears to fall. Alex noticed Nikita's reaction and she felt her own eyes burning with unshed tears. She touched Nikita's face and forced her to look at her.

" Talk to me" Alex said softly her eyes locked with Nikita's.

Nikita kissed one more time the mark and lowered Alex's tank. She didn't button Alex's panties not wanting to press the mark and cause Alex more pain. Slowly she walked towards Alex. She hold her face with both her hands and kissed her cheeks softly.

" Talk to me" Alex repeated firmly.

" This is my fault. All of that. The virus, the bullets, the broken arm. All your scars in your body and in your heart are because of me" Nikita whispered sadly.

" Nikita don't do that. There aren't because of you. Don't blame yourself for any of these. I am alive thanks to you, I have a family thanks to you, I have hope thanks to you, I love the life again thanks to you, I smile again thanks to you. I have reasons to live thanks to you. Please, Nikita. Stop blaming yourself for what happened to me BECAUSE of you and start love yourself for what happened to me THANKS to you" Alex said softly.

" And besides that, I have learnt to live with my scars and find intresting ways to use them. Especially the one that you kissed before does a great job, Sean loves it." Alex added playfully and a small smile formed in Nikita's lips.

" It is okay, Nikita. I would do it again if ever comes to it. I don't regret any of my scars. I love you" Alex whispered and Nikita kissed her cheeks again and hugged her.

" Goodnight, your Highness" Nikita said and stood up to leave. She stopped when Alex took a hold of her hand.

" Can I ask you a favor?" Alex asked hesitanlty.

" Anything" Nikita retorted.

" Don't leave. Stay with me tonight. I have spent a whole year worrying about you, give me one night with you next to me. I want to hear your heart beat. Please. Only tonight. I know that I am asking for too much but please. I need my sister for one night" Alex pleaded.

Nikita didn't reply, she walked around the bed and she lied down next to Alex and hugged her gently.

" I will stay with you for a whole eternity. All you have to do is to ask. I would give my life for you. I love you, Alex. I love you more than you can even imagine. I need that night too. I missed you, little sister" Nikita said and Alex smiled.

That night the girls didn't sleep, Alex was in pain and Nikita was trying to fight the want to travel the trip of guilt once more and offer her comfort to Alex. For one night everything were as it should. But from the next morning new unexpected turns would come.


	25. more truths on the surface

That night the girls didn't sleep, Alex was in pain and Nikita was trying to fight the want to travel the trip of guilt once more and offer her comfort to Alex. For one night everything were as it should. But from the next morning new unexpected turns would come.

The next morning found the two girls hugged on the bed. Their peace was distracted when they hear a strange noise and then a flash blinded their eyes.

" What the hell?" Nikita shouted surprised and looked around trying to find the source of the light.

" Goodmorning to you too Nikita" Birkoff said smiling.

" You didn't.." Alex replied a little scared when she noticed an object in Birkoff's hand.

" Yes, I did" Birkoff said and handed to Alex his camera showing to the girls a picture that he had just taken of them.

" Erase it" Alex ordered and handed the camera back to him.

" No. I will appear the photo and I will send it to you" Birkoff said firmly.

" You will send the photo to my funeral if you don't destroy it!" Alex retorted angrily.

" Come on, Alex. It is just a reminder of what is left on stake. It is a reminder of what you are fighting for." Birkoff argued.

" It is also a ticket with no return to the hell. I don't need a reminder." Alex replied seriously.

" You will keep it away from Amanda" Birkoff insisted.

Alex slowly put herself in a sitting position.

" Do you know what I will go through when I go back to Amanda?" Alex asked softly.

" What are you talking about?" Birkoff returned the question confused.

" This picture even in my memory can cause me problems. Please Birkoff destroy it" Alex replied denying to give Birkoff any further explanations.

" Alex, what are you going to go through when you go back to Amanda?" Nikita asked softly and stared at Alex.

" It is nothing. I just don't want to have to worry about the photo, too. Please." Alex replied and looked away from Nikita.

" Birkoff delete the photo" Nikita ordered firmly and Birkoff sighed defeated and left the room.

Nikita moved towards Alex's body and she took her head in her hands. Softly she forced Alex to look into her eyes and she saw that there were some unshed tears.

" What Amanda is going to do to you?" Nikita asked softly staring at Alex's eyes. She saw fear rising inside them and she felt her heart beating faster. Alex touched Nikita's hand and smiled.

" Nothing that I can't handle or that I haven't been through in the past. I will be fine" Alex whispered trying to minimize her fear.

" We promised that we won't lie to each other again. Please, Alex" Nikita pleaded.

" I don't know what technique she would choose this time" Alex replied defeated.

" I don't understand." Nikita said confused. What Alex meant by 'this time'?

" She usually chooses the drug or her special chit-chat." Alex said softly.

" Usually?" Nikita questioned scared about the answer.

" Everytime that I face you on the field, she questions our alliance and she does everything in her power to make sure that I am still on her side. It is better now than it was at the begining. I have learnt how to fight her games but it still affects me for sometime. I must admit that she knows how to cause emotional and physical pain really well. She is excellent in her job." Alex explained and looked down.

" Stay with me. Don't go back" Nikita replied softly.

" I have to go back" Alex said avoiding eye's contact.

" You don't have to go back." Nikita said firmly.

" No, Nikita. I have to go back. I have to go back and end this war once and for all. I have to go back so that we can leave a quite normal life without looking over our shoulder, I have to go back so that you and Michael can have a life together, I have to go back so that Birkoff can have a life too, I have to go back so that I can wake up in the morning and not feel sad. I have to go back because I miss my family and this is the only way to protect them and when everything is over go back to them. I have to go back because the life of my family is on stake. I have to go back because I love you guys more than my life. I have to go back." Alex replied seriously and stared at Nikita.

" Alex, it isn't worthy your life" Nikita argued.

" Yes, Nikita, it is. You are. I don't want to fight over that anymore. I have made my mind a long time ago." Alex said firmly and tried to stand up.

" Where are you going?" Nikita asked and forced Alex to sit back down.

" I am not walking away from you, Nikita. I need to inject myself again, I have already delayed it enough and I can't stand it for much longer" Alex said and smiled with Nikita's reaction.

" I will bring it to you. Lie down" Nikita said firmly and she walked away. She came back after awhile with a syringe in her hands.

" Can I do it?" Nikita asked when Alex lifted her hand to take the syringe from her.

" I can inject myself, Nikita." Alex replied softly.

" I know but I want to do it" Nikita said honestly. And she was telling the truth, she wanted to do it, she wanted to see the mark again, she wanted to cause herself some pain in order to accept the fact that she had failed Alex, that she had let her go through hell to protect her and she didn't do nothing to prevent it.

" Why do you want to do this?" Alex asked.

" This happened to you because of me. The least that I can do is to take care of you. Please" Nikita pleaded.

Alex sighed defeated and let her hand down. Nikita smiled sadly and lifted Alex's tank. Slowly she trailed her fingers on the mark, sensing the scars that her first letter had left on Alex's body.

" This is burning like hell!" Nikita exclaimed worried when she felt the warmth.

" Yes, it does" Alex replied softly.

Nikita quickly injected Alex with the cure and placed some soft kisses on the spot. She lowered Alex's tank again and placed some more kisses on Alex's cheeks.

" Are you going to have this kind of reaction everytime that you inject me?" Alex asked amused with Nikita's kiss attack.

" Maybe" Nikita replied and sat down next to Alex. Alex sighed defeated and hugged Nikita's waist.

" May I ask you something?" Nikita asked.

Alex looked at her curiously and sat straight.

" Of course" Alex replied calmly.

" You told me yesterday that Sean loves that scar. Why? Why he loves a scar that branded my letter on your body?" Nikita asked confused and Alex laughed.

" He loves it because I love this scar" Alex replied softly.

" Ι don't understand? How can you love this scar and how he can love this scar?" Nikita asked confused.

" I loved this scar because it reminds me every single day that our loves one aren't a liability, but strength. I love this scar because it reminds every single day how much I love you. I love this scar because it reminds me what I am fighting for, what is on stake. I love this scar because it reminds that I am still human, I am still able to feel things, to love, to admire, to adore. I love this scar because it reminds me that I have family. I love this scar because it reminds me every single day that even if I am really screwed up, I have something to keep me alive. I love this scar because it reminds me that I love you. I love this scar because I love you and I don't regret it" Alex said softly.

Nikita stared at her with watery eyes unable to form any kind of words.

" And I love you" Nikita whispered with grave voice.

" Ok, what about Sean?" Nikita added after awhile.

" Sean loves this scar because he knows the history behind it, he knows why I have it, who did it to me, when and how. He loves this scar because he knows what this scar means to me. He loves it because when we saw the video and when I told him what my mother did to me, he knew that I would do the same thing again and again. He loves this scar because when he touched it, I broke down. He loves this scar because he knows how much I love you. He loves this scar because it is a proof to him that he has a chance with me. He loves this scar because it is a part of me. He loves this scar because he is proud. Proud of me that I had the courage to protect you like that, proud of himself that he is in my life. He loves this scar because he loves me" Alex said softly with tears in her eyes.

" Or at least this is what he told me when I asked him the same question" Alex added and smiled.

Nikita didn't know what to say or to do. She didn't know how she was supposed to react. She just stood there speechless staring at Alex with watery eyes.

" How can I make it up to you?" Nikita whispered after some minutes of comfortable silence.

" You don't have to. I did it because I love you and I don't regret it. I will do it again, if I have to. And besides that if we start to count then I am the one who has a lot of payback to do" Alex said softly.

Alex sighed when she saw that Nikita was still fighting with her guilt.

" But if you want so badly to do something for me then there is something that I want." Alex added defeated.

" Anything" Nikita replied immediately.

" I want you to heal yourself, I want you to stop blaming yourself for everything, I want you to understand that you aren't alone anymore, that you have people who love you and would give your life for you, I want you to leave the past in the past and live for the present and I want a hug" Alex said firmly staring at Nikita.

As soon as she ended her sentence Nikita put her in a bone-crushing hug. Alex's wounds pained but she didn't care. She had decided to use every single minute with Nikita wisely before she goes back to Amanda. Nikita was her strength after all. They pulled apart when Michael entered the room running and shouting at Alex.

" Who the hell are you?" Michael screamed at Alex who looked at him with wide eyes.

" Excuse me?" Alex asked puzzled.

" Michael?" Nikita asked confused, too.

" Amanda doesn't care about anyone. Why does she need to inform you about every single move that she makes!?" Michael asked softer.

" Why are you asking me that?" Alex asked.

" Because she wants to talk to you again. Something about an emergency." Michael explained.

" Why does she need to inform you?" Nikita asked puzzled.

" Long story and you are not going to like it." Alex replied seriously.

" Do you want to talk to Amanda?" Nikita changed the topic.

" It is your choice. I am your prisoner, remember?" Alex said and smiled.

" Let's talk to Amanda. We don't have everyday an inside information about Division" Nikita replied and helped Alex to stand up.

" Do I need to handcuff you again?" Nikita asked sadly.

" Absolutely" Alex replied and lifted her hands in front of her so that Nikita could tie her up.

Slowly the moved towards the desk and Michael pressed 'play' causing Amanda's face to pop up on the screen.

" Your bitch is going to be with you in a couple of days. Why you can't just wait to talk to her then?" Nikita said coldly and forced Alex to sit on the chair in front of her.

Amanda smiled evilly when she realised that Nikita didn't know and that she could cause some more pain to her.

" She is not my bitch." Amanda said and smirked coldly.

" Everyone in that damn hole is your bitch, Amanda." Nikita replied calmly.

" You are wrong. Alex do you want to enlighten her?" Amanda said and turned her attention to Alex who was trying to remain calm and unnerved.

" I don't want to take that pleasure away from you but I have to remind you that I am not in position to defend myself" Alex said trying to wipe any emotions from her voice.

" Let' finish the business part first and then we can have fun. Nikita, patience and you will learn not to ask to many questions. Is that ok with you?" Amanda replied.

" I have no problems for now. Tell me what is wrong." Alex said.

" Delta team was abused. Two dead, four captured. Mission failed." Amanda informed Alex.

" I don't care about the mission, Amanda. I care about our men. Do we know where the captured ones are kept?" Alex retorted.

" Yes, we do. Heavily armed facility in the heart of chinese mafia." Amanda replied.

" And why are they still there?" Alex asked hars.

" Alex.." Amanda started.

" You don't leave a man behind! " Alex shouted.

" Alex, they are on their own" Amanda argued.

" Amanda, you are going to send a team out there and bring the men back home alive. I don't care if they are supposed to be dead and if their families don't know their existence. We don't let our people suffer and die alone. Send Sean to meet the Zeta team in Russia. He will lead them to a rescue mission." Alex ordered.

" You can't be serious" Amanda insisted.

" I am serious, Amanda. You don't leave a man behind. Wheels are on air in half an hour. It isn't negociable. I will have direct communication with Sean." Alex replied seriously.

" Don't look at me like that. DO IT" Alex shouted angrily.

Amanda gritted her teeth and pressed a button. Sean come here please. They waited in silence until Sean came on sight.

" What can I do for you, Amanda?" Sean asked.

" For me nothing. Alex has a mission for you." Amanda replied and turned the screen to Sean.

" You are going to meet Zeta team in Russia and rescue our men from chinese mafia. Contact me when you have secured the package." Alex said simply.

" Of course, Alex. I am under your commands and I am glad that someone doesn't think our operatives disposable" Sean replied and looked at Amanda with hate.

" Bring our men back home. Be safe." Alex said and Sean ran out of the room with a smile on his face.

Amanda turned the screen back to her and she was obvious annoyed.

" You can't save everyone, Alex" Amanda said calmly.

" I know that. But that doesn't change my decision; you don't leave a man behind. They are people, Amanda, not toys." Alex replied firmly.

" Excuse me, not that I am not glad that you backed off and followed Alex's wish but since when do you hear anyone, Amanda?" Nikita asked as politely as she could.

" Alex, can I have the pleasure?" Amanda asked excited.

" It is all yours." Alex said sadly and braised herself for what Nikita was about to hear.

" As I said before the people inside Division aren't my bitches, actually they aren't only my bitches." Amanda said and smiled seeing Nikita's confused face.

" I don't understand" Nikita said honestly.

" Alex isn't just an operative" Amanda replied and her smile grew bigger as Nikita glared at Alex.

" Alex is co-director of Division and even I reply to her sometimes." Amanda said amused.

Nikita's jaw dropped from the shock. Before she could form any kind of words, Amanda spoke again.

" Yeah, you got it right, Nikita. Your friend is leading the place that you want so badly to destroy, your friend is the leader of the team which is after you. Your friend is your worst enemy. You lied to her, you betrayed her trust and this is the result of your betrayal. Alexandra Udinov is leading Division with me. Alex is Division. Alex is what you hate most in your life." Amanda said amused.

" Alex will be pretty dead if you continue." Alex said seriously feeling the tense from Nikita's side.

" Let's give her the whole truth, Alex. So Nikita, Alex is Division's leader, she is hanging out with me, she has contacts inside oversight, she is the leader of Zetrov, she controls part of Russia mafia. She is in general the leader of undergrond world. Alex has almost every dirty soul in our world under her commands." Amanda continued happily that she could hurt Nikita.

" And this is enough for today." Alex said and closed Amanda's connection.

Hesitantly, she turned to look at Nikita who was staring speechless at her.

" It isn't as bad as it seems." Alex whispered staring at Nikita with a look full of apology.


	26. worse than it seems

" It isn't as bad as it seems." Alex whispered staring at Nikita with a look full of apology.

Nikita blinked her eyes and forced herself to speak.

" You are right. It is worse than it seems!" Nikita shouted hurt. She couldn't believe that Alex had taken control of Division and Russia mafia. She couldn' believe that her Alex, her kind and caring and lovely sister and best friend was the dirtiest person in that planet. She couldn't believe that her Alex was her worst enemy.

Alex slowly stood up and walked towards Nikita.

" Don't get conclusions so fast. There are much more under the surface" Alex pleaded calmly. She didn't want Nikita to learn about that. She knew that Nikita would feel betrayed and hurt because she didn't know the whole truth. She waited Nikita to kick her ass but Nikita was unnaturally calm. It was so calm that Alex started to feel scared for her outbrust.

" More under the surface? There is nothing that can justify you taking over Division!" Nikita whispered frustated.

" It isn't everything black and white, Nikita." Alex retorted standing still wanting to give Nikita some space.

" I can't do that" Nikita whispered and took two steps back. Nikita didn't know how to react. Alex was Division's director, she was russia mafia, she was Zetrov, she was Gogol, she was everything that she was fighting against. But Alex was also her little sister, her best friend, her daughter, she was the one who protected her so many times without asking anything in return, she was the one who killed her mother to save her, she was the one who took two bullets instead of her. Nikita was so confused. She had promised to Alex not to let her down again, she had promised to Alex that she will love her forever no matter what. But she found it difficult to fulfil her promise when Alex was everything that she hated so much. She was unimaginably confused about her feelings. She felt like she was spinning out of control. Her emotions, her thoughts, her feelings were out of her control.

Alex sighed defeated hearing Nikita's devastated tone. She could understand that she was confused, she just hoped that Nikita would give her a chance to defend herself and her choices before she decides what she was going to do. She was brought out of her thoughts when she heard Michael's shaking voice.

" Don't make any sudden move or I will put a bullet in your fucking skull" Michael ordered coldly and angrily and trained a gun towards Alex's head.

Alex really slowly turned around to face him. She couldn't blame him for this kind of reaction. He was protecting his family. Alex was underground's leader after all.

" I don't want any more troubles. I understand why you feel that you need that gun, but you don't. I will follow your orders, no questions asked. You can do whatever you want, I won't fight back" Alex said softly. And she was telling the fucking truth. She would behave. She could understand that for Michael and the others was a threat. They might want to torture her for information or just locked her up to secure their safety. And she was ready to accept anything until she was given a chance to explain herself.

Michael glared at her. He couldn't believe what he had heard from Amanda's mouth. He felt betrayed. He wanted to hurt Alex as much as she hurt them.

" Move slowly to the chair in the middle of the room and handcuff your legs and your arms on it" Michael ordered and handed to Alex three pairs of handcuffs and the keys for the handcuffs that she had already on.

Alex nodded in agreement. With difficulty she walked towards the chair and sat down on it. She bented down and tied her legs on it ignoring the pain from the gunshot on her waist. Slowly she took off the handcuffs from her arms.

" How tight do you want them?" Alex asked softly and stared at Michael.

" Middle" Michael replied and watched as Alex handcuffed herself to the chair. She moved violently her wrists up to show to Michael that she had handcuffed herself indeed.

" Is that ok?" Alex asked. She understood them. She couldn't blame. Her eyes locked at Nikita's figure a few steps away from Michael. Her face was pale, her eyes dark, emotionless. Alex was quite sure that Nikita was lost in her thoughts.

Michael nodded in surprise. He didn't believe that Alex actually followed his order and handcuffed herself. He didn't know what to think anymore. This woman in front of him was his Alex. But this woman in front of him obviously had a really dangerous alter ego. Slowly he lowered his gun but he didn't let it down. With shaking, unsure footsteps he walked towards her stopping only inches away from her and he stared at her studying her.

" How long are you in charge of Division?" Michael asked her coldly as ice.

" One week after I tried to hand Nikita to Amanda, they approached me." Alex replied honestly and braised herself for Michael's reaction. She knew that the timetable would only make things worse for her and she was right.

Michael gun whipped Alex's face angrily causing some cuts on her cheek.

" You handed your best friend to Amanda just to gain more power?" Michael shouted frustated and unable to believe what he had just heard.

" No." Alex replied firmly and stared at Nikita. She wanted to see Nikita's eyes and understand what she was thinking but there were empty of any emotions. She was scared of Nikita's reaction. She waited lectures, shouts, slaps, anything but no silence. Nikita's silence was killing her. It pained her more than any payback that Michael had in store for her.

" You betrayed the only person who was there for you. You gave up on her, for what? For power? This is how corrupted you are? This is who you have become? I feel pity for you. You disgust me. What happened to our Alex? Did you bury her deep inside you in order not to destroy your plans? What happened to the person that I loved and cared about? What happened to the person to who I promised to be a guardian angel? What happened to the person who promised me that she will have my back? What the hell happened to my Alex?" Michael yelled angrily and hot tears of anger and pain left his eyes.

Alex stared at him and hated herself for the pain that she had caused him. He was so broken, hurt and confused. He was trying to understand what was happening so badly. He was trying so desperately to separate the image of his Alex and the image of Alex-leader of the underground world. He couldn't bring himself to believe that they were the same person.

" Answer my damn question!" Michael yelled and slapped Alex roughly causing Alex's face to twist.

" What do you want me to say, Michael? You are too blind from your anger to even listen to the truth. What do you want me to say? That I am a different person from who I used to be? that I betrayed you to gain power? This is what you want me to say? Because I am not going to say that. You like it or not, I am still your Alex, the damn same person who promised to have your back." Alex said angrily trying to hold herself together and not tear apart. She needed to remain calm or she would lose control and say things that she wouldn't mean only to hurt them. She couldn't let that happen.

" I didn't hand Nikita to Amanda to take control of Division. I haven't planned it. I didn't ask for that. It just happened." Alex added softly.

" How are you known to the underground world?" Nikita asked calmly trying to identify the new situation. She needed to know what Alex had become.

Alex's heart jumped hearing Nikita's voice. She knew that they knew her nickname and it would be bad but at least Nikita was trying to calm herself and held a peaceful conversation.

" Phoenix" Alex replied and looked at the floor.

Nikita's jaw dropped from the shock. She opened her mouth to tell something but she closed it again. She tried again.

" Phoenix? The leader of the 3/4 of russia mafia? The owner of the majority of the brothel in United Stated and Soviet Union?" Nikita managed to ask and her shock was obvious in her voice.

" Yes. This is me." Alex replied defeated.

" Forget anything else. You own brothels? After what you went through, you own brothels? You run away from them and now you are the one in charge? You escaped sex slavery and now you are the one who forces yound girls to sell their body and take drugs? This is who you are?" Michael asked what Nikita wanted so badly to ask but she couldn't bring herself to tell those words. Alex owns the brothels?

" It is much more complicated than that, Michael. Yes, I own brothels, yes I own drug's cartels, yes I have murderers work for me, yes I am in charge of Division and yes I understand how all that make me look like. You think that I am one of the bad guys and I get it. I really do. But Michael, I am not one of the bad guys." Alex said firmly. She knew that it was pointless to fight with Michael and Nikita over that. They knew only part of the truth and they aren't in position to ask for the rest of the truth. For them, Alex was the bad guy. And Alex understood that. She wasn't glad about that but she understood them. They needed time. Time to feel safe and ask the most important question 'why?' and then understand that she was still their Alex.

Alex looked at Nikita. Nikita took a deep breathe and slowly walked towards Alex. She stopped a few inches away from her. She took another deep breathe and walked even closer to Alex. Alex stared at her curiously. She didn't know what to expect. Was Nikita going to hit her or what? Alex was confused. She watched Nikita as she slowly placed her hands over Alex's handcuffed hands and bent herself down, her face close to Alex's.

" Look me at the eyes and tell me that my Alex is still there. Look me at the eyes and tell me that there are more that I don't know. Look me at the eyes and tell me that you didn't hand me to Amanda to gain power. Look me at the eyes and tell me that you are not one of the bad guys" Nikita requested seriously.

Alex locked her eyes with Nikita's. She didn't blink or break the eye's contact.

" Nikita. I didn't hand you to Amanda to gain power, I hand you to Amanda to save both of our lives. There are a lot that you don't know. I can understand your frustation and your confusion but Nikita, I am not one of the bad guys, I am still your Alex." Alex said calmly and stared at Nikita's eyes.

Nikita stared back at her and studied her gaze desperate to find the truth. She was about to say something when the door opened and she turned around to see Birkoff entering playfully the house.

" Princess, what are you going to do if.." Birkoff said but he didn't finish his question when he saw the scene in front of him.

" What the hell is going on?" Birkoff asked in shock and moved towards them.

" Did you know?" Nikita asked angrily and let go off of Alex.

" Know what?" Birkoff replied confused.

" That Alex is leading the Division and the russia mafia" Michael replied his question.

Birkoff stared at Alex. Now everything was making sense. When he entered the house, he was about to ask what she was going to do if they learn that Alex is leading the underground world. Obviously they learnt that.

" No, he didn't" Alex lied to defend him.

" Good that we have only one dirty bitch here" Michael commented relieved that Birkoff didn't keep a secret like that for himself.

" Who are you to talk about dirt? You can't judge her, Michael. You aren't a saint. None of us is. We can't judge her" Birkoff shouted annoyed with Michael's reaction. The fact that Alex was bleeding and Michael held a bloody gun didn't make it easy for him to control his nerves.

" Birkoff!" Nikita yelled hurt by Birkoff's words.

" You can't take the fault from everyone Alex." Birkoff said to Alex and then he turned to Nikita.

" Yes, I knew about Alex's criminal activities. Do you want to handcuff me and beat me up, too?" Birkoff added angrily.

" Birkoff, stop it. One person is enough for them to be mad at. You don't have to do it" Alex pleaded worried. She didn't want Birkoff to put himself in the line of fire.

" You knew?" Nikita gasped in shock.

" Not only I knew, but I helped her to make up her mind and become Phoenix and Division's director. She didn't want to. I persuaded to do it. It was my choice." Birkoff said with a brave tone.

" What?" Nikita asked in complete shock unable to understand what the hell was going on.


	27. it is your turn now

" Not only I knew, but I helped her to make up her mind and become Phoenix and Division's director. She didn't want to. I persuaded to do it. It was my choice." Birkoff said with a brave tone.

" What?" Nikita asked in complete shock unable to understand what the hell was going on.

" Nerd?" Michael whispered and with a shaking hand lifted his gun and pointed it at Birkoff. He felt betrayed and hurt and threatened.

" Michael, please don't point your gun to Birkoff. He can't hurt you. He just kept a secret from you." Alex tried to reason Michael. She knew him well enough to know that he was upset and felt betrayed.

Nikita was still in shock, her eyes moving from Alex to Michael and then to Birkoff again and again trying to figure out what was going on and how she was supposed to react.

" You are right, he can't hurt me but you can" Michael replied angrily and turned his gun to Alex's forehead.

" Actually, right now, I can't hurt you either, but anyway, you can keep your gun trained to my head" Alex sighed defeated. It was better her than Birkoff. She was the leader of underground world after all.

" Can we just talk about it?" Birkoff asked calmly.

Nikita blinked her eyes and looked at Michael who had trained his gun to Alex and then she looked at Alex and noticed that she was covered with white bandages.

_She took two bullets for me, she went through hell for me, she killed her mother for me. This girl isn't a threat to me, to us. I have to find out the truth_ Nikita thought and stared at Alex's eyes.

" This is what Amanda wants. She wants to hurt you and she did it. I gave her the weapon to do it and I am sorry for that." Alex said softly staring back at her.

" You can't take the whole blame, Alex" Birkoff shouted frustated that Alex was trying to take the blame for him even if they had her on gunpoint. He was the one who persuaded her to do it.

" Yes, I can. You didn't force me to take control of Division or mafia. You didn't force me to do anything. We exchanged opinions and yes you encouraged me to follow that path, but the final decision was mine." Alex replied calmly.

" Alex, they have you on gunpoint" Birkoff yelled.

" I am pretty aware of that" Alex said to Birkoff.

" I never handed Nikita to Amanda to take control over Division." Alex said firmly and stared at Michael.

" Why should I believe you?" Michael asked coldly.

" Because I have never lied to you and because I made a promise to Nikita, no more lies. I handed Nikita to Amanda because it was me bringing her in alive or a Amanda's puppy killing her with a bullet on her back." Alex explained softly.

" I handed you to Amanda because it was the only away not to blow up my cover and still save your life. I am sorry. It was the only thing that I could think. I played along and plotted your rescue. I didn't play along to gain power or take revenge on you. It was just the only way to save your life" Alex said and looked at Nikita.

" I am trained to lie to the world, not to you" Alex added.

Nikita looked back at Alex and studied her features. She could see pain in her eyes and honesty. Nikita slowly nodded accepting the honesty of Alex's reply.

" Michael, lower your gun." Nikita instructed Michael softly. She knew that with guns and tense, they couldn't find out what was really going on.

Michael looked at Nikita and then to Alex and he lowered his gun.

Nikita walked towards Alex.

" I will untied your legs. Don't make me regret it" Nikita said and knelt down in order to untie Alex's legs. Alex stayed still, her eyes locked with Birkoff's having a silent conversation. Nikita's reaction was scaring. It wasn't what they had expected.

Nikita uncuffed Alex's legs and stood up. She took a chair and brought it in front of Alex. She sat down and stared at Alex.

" How could you do that? This isn't you." Nikita said calmly.

" This isn't what you want for me." Alex corrected her softly.

" Yes, you are right. This isn't what I want for you. I never wanted you to be part of this world, I never wanted for you to take a life, I never wanted for you to become a killer and I definately never wanted for you to lead the underground world" Nikita said harser than she wanted but even if she tried to remain calm, she was pissed of.

" I never asked about any of these either, but it happened and this is who I am to the exterior world." Alex said softly.

" For me, for Birkoff, for Sean, for the people close to me, it is just a mask, a persona nothing more. The real question is who I am for you. I am Phoenix and Division and everything that you hate or I am your Alex, your little sister, your best friend?" Alex added softly trying to make Nikita understand that there were more under the surface.

" I don't know who you are. I can see my Alex in your eyes but the facts are facts. You are Division, you are Phoenix." Nikita replied honestly. She was confused.

" If you don't know then ask her" Birkoff interrupted understanding what Alex was trying to do.

" Ask her what? What do you expect her to reply Birkoff that her real self is the most dangerous person in the whole fucking planet? That she is so corrupted that she took control of brothels? That she is just a dirty bitch?" Michael yelled frustated with this conversation.

" I never denied any of your accussations, Michael." Alex replied calmly staring at Nikita. She didn't care about anything, she only wanted Nikita to react and open her cards.

" Michael, you are not in position to judge her. Nikita isn't. I am not. None of us can judge her. We have done the same. We have killed people, we have drugged people, we have destroyed lifes and families, we have whored others and ourselves, too." Birkoff said trying to reason Michael. They weren't any better of Alex.

" Michael, you have whored Alex when she was recruit and Nikita as an agent. Nikita you have killed Alex's father in front of her and then you gave her away to someone who sold her, I have put recruits to special service cataloques. We aren't saints. She never accused us for destroying her life. Don't accuse her." Birkoff added firmly.

" We didn't have a choice." Nikita whispered hurt by Birkoff's words.

" Maybe Alex didn't have a choice either" Birkoff replied to Nikita's comment.

" She is giving the orders, she doesn't have a gun pointed to her head. She is the boss" Michael replied firmly.

" You don't know the reasons behind her actions." Birkoff said seriously.

" Nikita, I know that I am not in position to ask you anything" Alex started.

" Then don't" Michael cut her off.

" I am only asking you to give me the chance to defend my choices. Then it is your choice what you want to do and I will accept it, you can take down Phoenix if you still think of me as a thret, I don't care" Alex pleaded ignoring Michael's comment and locked her eyes with Nikita's.

" You can't be serious. You can't just let them kill you if your answers don't satisfy them!" Birkoff said in shock.

" There is no reason for me to live if they really think that this is what I have become. I couldn't live with myself." Alex replied softly and Birkoff sighed in disbelief.

" Fine. I won't judge you before I hear your side of the story." Nikita said firmly.

" Thanks" Alex replied and smiled softly, a smile that it didn't reach her eyes.

" You can't really consider to play along" Michael asked in disbelief and disapproval.

" Of course and I will play along, Michael. We are talking about Alex, she is like little why-dolls inside bigger why-dolls. I thought that she left me because she hated me but she didn't. I am not going to get conclusions again like that. She took two bullets for me damn. My Alex is still there and I want to know why she is hiding from the exterior world. I want to believe that there is an explanation. Please Michael just let me talk to her." Nikita pleaded calmly and stared at Michael.

Michael nodded in agreement. He couldn't take away from Nikita her chance to understand what was going on. He couldn't take away from Nikita her Alex and if Nikita thought that her Alex was still there then he would give Alex the chance to be their Alex again and explain herself.

" But the handcuffs stay on" Michael ordered after awhile.

Nikita looked at Alex with a look full of apology. She didn't want to handcuff Alex like that and she wanted Alex to know that.

" It is ok." Alex mouthed to her and smiled sadly.

" Birkoff bring me the medical kit" Nikita ordered deciding that she needed to take care of Alex's cut and Birkoff obeyed immediately smiling. Nikita was getting out of her shock state and she was willing to talk about Alex's real identity. That was good.

He picked up the medical kit and handed it to Nikita. Nikita took out what she needed and started working on Alex's cut. It was deeper than she had expected. Alex closed her eyes during the process trying to control the pain. Her whole body was arching. Her gunshots were swollen, her cheek was bruised and cut, her broken hand was arching for the immobility and her mark has started burning and pained again, but she didn't say a single word. She wanted this to be over. She wanted to finish this conversation right now and she wanted to know Nikita's true feelings.

Nikita finished with her cut and sat back down on the chair.

" Now we can talk" Nikita said and gave to Alex a reassuring smile that she was going to listen to her and then judge her actions.

" I will answer all your questions and sometimes you are not going to like the answer" Alex warned her.

" I will handle your answers when the time comes" Nikita replied calmly.

" What do you want to know then" Alex said.

" Why you didn't tell me yesterday that you are in charge?" Nikita asked.

" Because you didn't ask me what my role in Division is. I told you that I would answer honestly all your questions and I did. I never told you that I would debrief you for the months that we spent apart" Alex replied honestly.

" That is cheating" Nikita commented.

" No it isn't. I gave you the truth, I didn't lie to you or kept secrets, about the things that you asked me. If you have asked me, I would have replied." Alex replied.

" Fine. If you are control of Division why Amanda is torturing everytime that you met me in the field?" Nikita asked confused.

" Because she is in charge of Division, too. She can question my loyalty and make sure that I won't change sides anytime soon. She has complete control over some sections like loyalty issues and tortures and I have complete control over some other sections like field agents, operations, personel management. She is torturing me because she has the authority to question my loyalty and because she really likes to torture me, she is having fun." Alex replied and her features darkened remembering all the times that Amanda tortured her emotionally or physically.

" Ok..." Nikita said thoughtfull.

" Don't get mad but I have to ask." Nikita said.

" I won't get mad" Alex reassured her.

" The fact that you handed me to Amanda has anything to do with you taking over Division?" Nikita asked gently trying not to accuse Alex for anything.

Alex sighed defeated.

" Yes and No. The fact that I was willing to hand you to Amanda had nothing to do but the fact that you were rescued was the main reason." Alex said softly.

" How a mission that failed provoqued someone's promotion?" Michael asked confused.

" When you were extracted from Division's cars, Oversight started to question Division's ability to complete the missions and Amanda's choices. They gave Amanda one choice; I will take control of Division with her or they will wipe them out. They think that I have proved myself capable to lead the agency and clean it up before we destroy it." Alex said.

" You were right, Michael. I haven't a gun pointed to my head but all the people inside Division have and I am the one who can pull the trigger. What would you have chosen? Run away or stay and clean up Percy's mess? You would have left and let everyone else die or you would have stayed? What if their lifes were in your hands? What would you have done?" Alex asked Michael.

" I would have talked with someone, I would have taken advices, I would have talked to Nikita." Michael replied angrily.

" She did talk to someone. She talked to me. We put it down and we decided that she couldn't live if she had signed the death penalty of hundred of people. She decided that she didn't want to run even if death is the reward of her decision, she decided that...I can't tell you more, it is personal. Anyway we thought of it and she decided to stay and try to clean up the mess and save those people." Birkoff replied to Michael's comment.

" What was the part that Birkoff didn't tell us?" Nikita asked curiously.

" It is personal, Nicky. Don't ask her that." Birkoff exclaimed annoyed.

" It is okay, nerd." Alex said and smiled at him.

" I decided that I didn't want anyone else to die because of me or instead of me." Alex said and kept her eyes away from Nikita.

" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused.

" Nicky, stop it. You can't ask her that" Birkoff shouted annoyed. What exactly Nikita didn't understand? It was personal.

" I promised that I will reply all her questions, Birkoff" Alex said trying to keep her voice stable.

" No, Alex. You don't have to reply those questions, no when there are so personal and can cause you so much pain." Birkoff retorted angrily.

" Amanda calls me survivor. I have escaped death uncountable times. But I have left people behind me, people that died because of me or instead of me. I survived but my father was tortured and murdered because of me. I escaped but my boyfriend died during the escape. I escaped the brothels but I left other girls to die in those holes. I have survived in the field but others have died. When you taught me how to use a gun, you gave me the ability to kill, but you gave me the ability to protect people too. I am done running, Nikita. I am done leaving the others behind to die. I don't want anyone else to die because of me." Alex replied Nikita's question ignoring Birkoff's pleads.

As soon as she finished her explanation Nikita had tears in her eyes. But Alex didn't want to look at her. She kept staring at her legs avoiding Nikita's gaze, trying to hold herself together.

" They didn't die because of you" Nikita said softly trying to comfort Alex.

" No, they did. My father died because I survived, my boyfriend died when we escaped, the girls inside the brothel were executed because I dare to defy them and escape, Tom died because of me, Sophia died from a bullet that was meant for me." Alex whispered and tried to hold her tears back.

Nikita glared to Michael not knowing what to say or how to react. Birkoff noticed Nikita's hesitation and decided to take action. He walked towards Alex and knelt down. He touched his face and forced her to look at his eyes.

" We have made that discussion before princess" Birkoff said softly.

" You can't blame yourself for any of this. You didn't know that your father was alive and you couldn't have done anything to help him anyway, you didn't know that Jonathan, your boyfriend, was planning to give himself up to delay the guards, you didn't know that Vlad would execute some girls to make sure that none would try to follow your example, you didn't want to kill Tom, you did to save Nikita and you didn't know that they expected you to go in that mission when you turned it off and Sophia was sent instead of you, captured and executed as a message to you." Birkoff said firmly.

" That doesn't change anything" Alex replied sadly. She had dealt with her past, she knew that she couldn't do anything to change it but she wasn't glad about it, she was hurt and she was tired of trying to be the strong one.

" If that doesn't change anything then some other facts do. You saved Nikita, not only every single time that you saved her ass in the field, but when you met her and accepted her. You taught her how to love again, how to trust again, how to let people in again. You saved Michael when you were recruited, you remind him that he was good, that he could make a difference, you pushed him close to Nikita and now they live their love. You saved me million of times, you saved from Amanda, you saved me from myself, you saved from my past and my guilty. You saved Sean when you met him, you opened his eyes and you helped him make the right choices, you saved him when you let him in. You saved the people inside Division. You are trying to save all the people that are in trouble around the world. You even saved Amanda." Birkoff said softly.

" And that doesn't change anything neither" Alex repeated defeated. Yes, she was a savior but that didn't change the fact that she had caused pain and death to other people.

" What about that? I love you, Sean loves you and we accept you with your bad and your good and your evil. We love you, Alex with your ups and down, with your secrets, with your mistakes, with everyhing that it is inside you. We love you" Birkoff said seriously.

Alex stared at him and slowly a little smile to light her face.

" Yes, that change a lot. I love you too, Seymour." Alex replied and she found herself in a tight hug.

" Just don't you dare die on me because I will kill you!" Alex said seriously when Birkoff pulled apart.

" I would be already dead, princess. You can't kill a dead man" Birkoff replied amused with Alex's reaction.

" I am sure that I could make a deal with the devil." Alex replied and Birkoff laughed loudly.

" Yeah, I am sure that you could. But you wouldn't kill your buddy, would you?" Birkoff asked smiling.

" No, I wouldn't kill my buddy, but I would willingly kick his ass and then take his place in hell" Alex replied calmly and Birkoff looked at her in disbelief. He thought about her answer a little and then he placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

Birkoff turned to Nikita who was staring with wide teary eyes.

" She accepted you with everything that it is inside you, your good, your bad, your evil. She watched every single interrogation that you held, she read all your debriefings but she accepted you and she was there for you till the time that her presence put you in danger. She accepted you and kept loving you because this is what a real friend does. Now it is your turn, Nikita, to choose what kind of friend you want to be. You can choose to listen to her and accept her or you can choose to hate her and turn your back to her. It is your choice." Birkoff said softly.


	28. time for tought decision

" She accepted you with everything that it is inside you, your good, your bad, your evil. She watched every single interrogation that you held, she read all your debriefings but she accepted you and she was there for you till the time that her presence put you in danger. She accepted you and kept loving you because this is what a real friend does. Now it is your turn, Nikita, to choose what kind of friend you want to be. You can choose to listen to her and accept her or you can choose to hate her and turn your back to her. It is your choice." Birkoff said softly.

Nikita stared at him with mouth slightly opened. Birkoff's words were like a kick on the guts. He was right. She didn't have the right to judge Alex. She had done horrible things during her lifetime and Alex knew all of them, but she never turned her back on her. She accepted her and loved her without terms because this is what friendship means. This is what a friend does, she stayed with her because a friend is supposed to have your back even when she doesn't agree with you. A friend doesn't have to approve what you do, but a friend has to accept you and have your sixs. And now it was her turn to decide what kind of friend she wanted to be.

" I will always love her" Nikita whispered to Birkoff.

" You don't have to say it to me, you have to show it to her" Birkoff retorted and moved away so that Nikita could have visual with Alex's broken figure. Alex was still staring at he floor.

" Alex can you please look at me?" Nikita asked softly.

" Give me one minute" Alex said with gritted teeth. Her whole body was arching, her mark was burning like hell. She just wanted this endless fight to end. She didn't want to fight with Nikita anymore. She just wanted to break down. She was tired and in pain. She couldn't blame Nikita for feeling betrayed and confused. She just wanted her to make her decision quickly. She was just tired of trying to make her understand that she wasn't one of the bad guys. She took a deep breathe, gathering her power and lifted her head.

" What do you want?" Alex asked defeated and locked her eyes with Nikita's.

" Alex, I love you, I always did and I always will" Nikita said softly.

" And my question remains; what do you want?" Alex replied hars. She knew that she was acting like a bitch but she couldn't handle her pain and her nerves at the same time.

" I want to know the truth so that I can move on with you by my side" Nikita said defeated. She could see that Alex was hurt and broken and it was her fault but she needed to learn the truth so that she could fix this. She needed to know the truth so that she could hug her and tell her that she loves her with everything that it is inside her like Alex did for her.

" Then continue yoour interrogation" Alex ordered firmly. She wanted to hear Nikita saying to her that she loved her but she wanted that to happen after Nikita would learn the whole truth. She needed to know that she meant it.

" Fine." Nikita replied defeated. There was no point in fighting with Alex. If this was how Alex wanted to do it, then this was how they would do it.

" Who is Jonathan?" Nikita asked. Alex had never talked to her about the night of her escape. Everytime that she asked her, she walked away from her and now she could understand why; it must have been really painful even to think about it.

" Do you have it with you?" Alex asked Birkoff.

" I told you that I will protect it with my life and the only way to do so is to carry it with me all the time" Birkoff replied and pulled out a chain that held a ring from his neck.

" It is okay" Alex reassured him with teary eyes. Birkoff walked towards Nikita and placed the ring with the chain into her opened palm. Nikita stared at it in shock trying to understand what exactly was going on.

" Jonathan's" Birkoff informed her simply and Nikita felt her eyes burning with unshed tears.

" Who is Jonathan?" Nikita repeated her question.

" At the begining he was just a client, then he was my best friend and in the end my fiancee" Alex replied her question.

" What?" Nikita gasped in surprise.

" I was 15, he was 20. He was cute. I don't know exactly how he ended up buying my services because he had a really hard time bringing himself to have sex with me. I remember that he was the weirdest client ever. He didn't want just to fuck me. He wanted to develop feelings for me before the action. The first hours we were chatting, he was in one corner of the room and I was in the other. It was different. I was amused that he was actually paying money to have sex but he couldn't do it. Slowly he started coming closer to me and we started knowing each other. After months, finally, we had sex, but it wasn't as usual. I wasn't feeling bad that I had him inside me. As the months passed we formed different type of relationship. He didn't care that I was a whore, she knew everything about me and he still stood there, he didn't run. Anyway finally I could escape, the plan was ready to be put in motion. And I told him. He volunteered to escape when I was with him. He proposed to me and I accepted. He told me that he wanted me to run and get out of that hole and he would always be with me in my heart even if the death torn us apart. I didn't understand at this time that he was saying goodbye. He gave himself up to delay the guards. I turned to help him but he shouted to me that he loved me and he wanted me to run just before they shot him. I didn't want to run. I just wanted to die right there with him but I ran because I had promised to run, I had promised him that I would have run and that I would have lived to have him with me always in my heart" Alex said with trembling voice and left some tears to fall.

Nikita's face was wet from the tears as well. She didn't know what to say. She actually knew that there was nothing that she could say to take Alex's pain away. She had gone through hell when Daniel died because of her and she didn't want to even think how Alex felt seeing her fiance being executed in front of her like her father.

" Why do you have her ring?" Nikita asked Birkoff confused. This ring was something really personal for Alex, why did she trust Birkoff with it?

" Because she didn't want Amanda to use it against her. She knew that if Amanda learnt or even suspected about it, it would be added to the list of her torture tools. She didn't want that ring to be anywhere near to her. She doesn't want Amanda to violate this memory, those feelings. I have this ring because she has to protect her heart from Amanda's mind games. She was barely holding herself together at the begining and I doubt that if Jonathan was added to Amanda's playlist, she could have stayed strong." Birkoff replied sadly. He had heard what Amanda was doing to Alex and he couldn't understand how Alex was able to hold herself together and not break down.

" What exactly Amanda does to you?" Nikita asked worried. If Alex was feeling the need to protect a memory so badly then she didn't want to think of what game Amanda was playing with her other memories.

Alex swallowed hard the lumb in her throat, but she remained silent. She didn't want to talk about it.

" She does enough to make me wonder why she hasn't fallen apart yet. She does enough to make me wonder how she keeps feeling human. She does enought to make me sure that if I was in her place, I would have knelt in front of Amanda begging her to show me mercy and kill me. She does enough to make me wonder why she is still protecting us, why she thinks that we are worthy all that pain." Birkoff replied instead of Alex.

" You are worthy even more pain" Alex whispered and looked at Birkoff.

" Why princess? Why do you want to protect us after everything that Amanda had showed to you and told to you? Why do you still love us after all the torture that you have gone through? Why do you still love us when we were proved not worthy of your love? Why are you always there for us even when we turn our back to you? Why you can't just get mad at us? Why princess?" Birkoff cried. He loved Alex like a big brother but he couldn't understand and he knew that she loved them back but what Amanda was doing to Alex with all her psycological torture and her mind games was excruciating and he knew it. Why did she think of them so highly?

" Of course and I am getting mad at you, nerd. I am a human being and like everyone else I get mad, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you. I will always love you and I will be there for you and I will take anything that Amanda has on store for me because you are worthy every pain in that freaking world, you deserve every single tear of mine, you deserve every single break down." Alex replied calmly. She didn't know that Birkoff was feeling that he didn't deserve her love.

" Why? Why you keep protecting us when we treat you like shit?" Nikita asked in shock. She was in complete shock. Birkoff's words had rocked her world.

" Because if I give up on any of you, it will be like if I am giving up on my own heart. I love you more than you can imagine. I would have given my life without a second thought to protect any of you. I don't care what Amanda is doing to me, I don't care if she is killing me piece by piece, if she is torturing me. I don't care if she is pushing me to the edge because it is the only way to protect you guys and this is enough for me to give me the strength to wake up in the morning, get out of the bed and face my demons again. I love you and that can't change no matter what." Alex explained softly and let some tears to fall.

Nikita felt like shit. She didn't know what to do or what to say, she just wanted to hug Alex and let her know that she was there for her. Her anger was rising again inside her feeling that she had failed Alex again. She stood up and walked towards Michael.

" Do you still think that she is going to kill us all?" Nikita asked harsh.

Michael stayed still. He was ready to doubt Alex all the time since she handed Nikita to Amanda. He was so blind and hurt because Alex was hurting Nikita that he just wanted Alex to feel his pain, too.

" Answer my damn question, Michael! Are you happy now? Are you satisfied or you want to question her more?" Nikita yelled frustated.

" Nikita, I just.." Michael whispered unable to find the right words.

" You what Michael? This girl is giving her life every day to protect us, this girl took two bullets for me, this girl killed her own mother to protect me. And how do we thank her? We handcuff her and I let you beat her up! I feel disgust! I feel ashamed of both of us!" Nikita kept yelling.

" What do you want me to do? Suddenly, I learnt that she is Division's director and the Phoenix. What was I supposed to do?" Michael shouted back trying to defend himself.

" I don't know. Something better than just give up on her and start beating her! What is wrong with you Michael? You always told me that she would come back and that there were more under the surface. You always told me not to judge her and wait for her to come back and now that she is back- even if I dragged her here because she was wounded- now that we know the truth, you forget all your advices, you let me forget all my promises, you let me forget that I promised to be there for her always and forever no matter what. I hate myself and I hate you for letting me forget my promise to her" Nikita yelled crying.

Alex couldn't take this anymore. The physical pain was excruciating and she couldn't stand to see Michael and Nikita fighing over her, she couldn't stand to hear Nikita saying that she hated Michael, she couldn't stand seeing the pain on Michael's features.

" ENOUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Alex yelled on the top of her voice and attracked everyone's attention.

" I didn't reply to your questions so that you will fight with Michael. Stop yelling at each other. Don't let Amanda win so easily. If the truth is going to tear you apart then I am done telling the truth. If the truth has such an effect on you, then kill me now. You wanted the truth and I am giving it to you. None is a saint. We have all made mistakes and wrong decisions, there is no need in fighting over the past. We can't change the past. Stop fighting." Alex said firmly.

And everyone stared at her. Those months that they were apart, had a great impact to Alex. Alex was so mature, so wise. Whatever had happened those months changed her, it made her act like every day was her last day. She was so mature but she was also so yound and innocent. She would always be a kid inside her.

" Nikita bring your ass back on the chair and finish your fucking interrogation" Alex ordered calmly.

" What?" Nikita asked in shock. Why Alex wanted her to continue with this twitched interrogation.

" You heard me" Alex replied coldy.

" I am not going to let you handcuffed and interrogated like this..." Nikita retorted ashamed with herself for putting Alex in this position in first time.

" Yes, you will. I am Division's director and mafia's leader afterall and I am not moving from this fucking chair until I am complete sure that you don't think of me like a threat" Alex insisted.

" No." Nikita said firmly.

" Alex, I am sorry" Michael said trying to reason Alex and let them untied her.

" You did what you thought that was right. You protected the people that you love from an extremely dangerous person." Alex replied and gave Michael a small smile wanting to make clear that she wasn't mad and that they would talk about it later.

" Now can we finish with the interrogation, please?" Alex added softly looking at Nikita.

Nikita nodded defeated and sat back on the chair staring at Alex with a sad gaze. Birkoff walked towards Alex.

" You haven't taken the cure, have you?" Birkoff whispered in her ear making sure that none would listen to them.

" I will when we finish, please" Alex pleaded Birkoff. She didn't want to take the cure right now even if she was in pain. She wanted to finish this conversation and make sure that she would learn how Nikita really felt. She didn't want Nikita to feel pity for her.

Birkoff took a step back and looked at Alex's eyes, he thought a little about it and nodded. Alex could take the pain and right now she needed to do this more than take the cure.

" Where did we stop?" Alex asked Nikita with a soft smile in her lips.


	29. little scratch, deep cut

" Where did we stop?" Alex asked Nikita with a soft smile in her lips.

" Amanda and Division" Birkoff replied quickly not wanting this conversation to take much more time and sensing Nikita's hesitance. Alex needed to take the cure and to do so she needed to finish this conversation.

Nikita glared at Birkoff trying to find a hold and an answer to what she was supposed to do now. Birkoff studied her gaze and smiled at her.

" Just finish the interrogation. She is too stubborn." Birkoff answered to Nikita's unspoked question and Nikita sighed defeated.

" Okay. We understand about Division, but what about Phoenix?" Nikita said softly.

" What do you want to know about Phoenix?" Alex asked Nikita.

" How did you start taking control of the mafia?" Nikita asked directly.

" When I took control of Zetrov, I took control of Gogol, too. And when I took control of Gogol, I took control of a part of the mafia. I just expand my influence. And voila." Alex said gently.

" Alex, you run brothels and drug cartels!" Nikita exclaimed still in shock. She had a difficult time accepting the fact that Alex was running Division and it was absolutely unbelievable to her at that point that Alex was involved with brothels and drugs and she could be so calm about that.

" That is a statement, not a question" Alex replied sadly and looked away from Nikita's face. She didn't want to talk about that, she didn't like what she was doing, she didn't like that she owned cartels and brothels but it was the only way and she knew it.

" How could you?" Nikita whispered when Alex's comment took her out off guards.

" I keep my mind focused on the final goal.." Alex said in response.

" I have heard that you are pretty good at your job. Have you had a girl raped? Are you ordering your men to rape and drug young girls? Or you have someone else to give this kind of orders?" Nikita asked scared about the answer.

" I have done it in the past. I have ordered my men to rape a girl in front of me as punishment, I have forced girls to take drugs by myself. I stopped doing that as soon as I become known to the underground world and I got the power to have someone else to do the dirty job for me." Alex replied ashamed of herself and closed her eyes in an attempt to hold back her tears.

Nikita looked at Alex with horror. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. Alex couldn't do that to anyone, that wasn't true.

" How could you be Vlad to those girls?" Nikita managed to ask.

Alex's fists closed in pain when she heard Nikita calling her ' Vlad'. She knew that it was true, she was doing almost what he had done to her but she couldn't bare to hear it from Nikita. She decided to show to Nikita how she was able to do it, she decided that weren't enough words to explain this. Nikita needed to see it with her eyes.

" I have never hurt the girls." Alex said and looked at Nikita in her eyes. She wanted Nikita to understand the difference.

Nikita stared back at Alex trying to understand.

" But you said.." Nikita retorted.

Alex closed her eyes for a few seconds and let her head to fall.

" But she has caused a lot of pain" Alex said and slowly lifted her head and catch Nikita's gaze one more time.

Nikita jumped up when she saw Alex's gaze. It wasn't like before. Now her eyes were dark and blurry, there weren't bright. They were haunted and evil. Now her gaze was like the one that she had when she killed Vlad. A gaze that always scared Nikita. A gaze that she didn't want to see on Alex's eyes ever again. And seeing Alex controlling this gaze and using it like a toy was even worse. Nikita didn't dare to take her eyes away from Alex and Alex didn't try to break eyes' contact.

" Alex, you are scaring her" Birkoff said softly and Alex looked back at him. Her gaze normal again, she didn't want to scare him, too. Birkoff had gone through what Nikita was going through in the past.

" She is holding herself much better than you did" Alex commented and smiled to Birkoff.

" Give her that gaze when you aren't handcuffed and then we will see who handles the Phoenix better." Birkoff shot back annoyed.

" Oh boy. Just accept it, nerd, for now, she is handling herself better than you and Amanda, worse than Sean." Alex commented calmly.

" How exactly did they react?" Nikita asked relieved that her Alex was back and Phoenix was hidden back inside.

" Amanda pointed her gun at me, Birkoff fell off his chair and Sean laughed and kissed me" Alex replied softly and turned her gaze back to Nikita to show to her that she was her Alex, again.

" I am sorry if I scared you" Alex apologized honestly.

" I still don't understand. You control it right? I have only seen this gaze once when you shot Vlad and you were under the influence of drugs. You aren't on drugs, right?" Nikita asked with one breathe trying to understand what was going on.

Alex looked at her with wide eyes. It was more difficult for Nikita than she had expected.

" I had a better reaction than her!" Birkoff shouted amused.

" You can't be serious, now, right? It isn't a contest, nerd! She..." Nikita shouted and let her phrase trailed down as she didn't know how she was supposed to finish it. She couldn't find the right words.

" She does nothing without a purpose." Birkoff finished her sentence.

" What purpose?" Nikita asked in shock. Obviously there was more that she didn't know.

" A double purpose. First, destroy the mafia from the inside. If she takes control of the mafia, she can destroy it. But to do so, she needs to become the boss, Phoenix and she has to do things that she isn't proud of and that would haunt her forever. But she has already made a difference. Age limit. It is the first that the black market doesn't work with young people under the age of 10, because if anyone decides to use a 10 years old kid then they will have to face her and none wants that, she is pretty scary. I know that you can't understand what exactly that means. Let me enlighten you." Birkoff said softly and looked at Alex asking her permission to continue.

Alex smiled at him in response.

" The 70 % of the black market used to work with children under the age of 10, that means that Alex has saved more than 1.000.000 kids from the human trafficing and she had limited the sex slavery. It is not 100% but it is a great deal if you think about it." Birkoff finished his thoughts.

" So you took control of the mafia to destroy them. You can't clean up the mess from the outside, so you took control, right?" Nikita said wanting the answer to be affirmative. She could manage Alex- Phoenix better if she could say to herself that it is just a mask and Alex is always her Alex.

" Yes" Alex replied simply and Nikita sighed relieved.

" Okay, what about the second purpose" Nikita requested to learn the whole truth.

" She also took control of the mafia so that she can protect you. You have a lot of prices on your head, Nikita." Birkoff said and Nikita's jaw opened in surprise and shock.

She looked at Alex with watery eyes. She couldn't believe that Alex had done all of that to protect her. Alex was playing with fire everyday, she had learnt how to control her evil to protect her, she had become what she hated more to protect her.

" How do you feel when you are Phoenix?" Nikita asked softly.

" Better dead" Alex admitted calmly and Nikita left a tear to fall. Alex was actually killing herself from the inside to protect her. How she was supposed to react to that? She didn't deserve to have Alex by her side.

" Is there anything else that I need to know?" Nikita asked hesitantly.

" Yes. If you don't kill me and you get caught by Division or Mafia, I would treat you like an enemy until I find a way to rescue you and I would be really sorry for that" Alex said firmly and Nikita nodded in understanding.

" Can we untie you now, please?" Nikita asked gently.

" Wait a minute Nikita" Birkoff yelled from the distance and came running towards Alex.

" What is wrong?" Nikita asked worried.

Birkoff ignored Nikita's question and knelt in front of Alex. He lifted her tank and before Alex could protest he injected her with the cure. Alex shot her head back in pain as the cure entered her system.

" Alex, how many you didn't take?" Birkoff asked worried seeing Alex in pain.

" Seven" Alex said with gritted teeth.

" How many can I give you now?" Birkoff shouted in shock.

" I don't want another. I will handle the pain." Alex said and rested her head back, her eyes staring at nowhere.

" Just answer me how many!" Birkoff yelled frustated that Alex didn't want to take more of the cure.

" You don't want to pick up a fight with me right now" Alex warned him.

" One day I am going to kick your ass" Birkoff replied seriously and everyone in the room brust into loud laughs.

" Now you can make your decision" Birkoff added and walked away from Alex defeated.

Nikita walked towards Alex and untied her. Alex kept her gaze away from Nikita.

" I am sorry for letting Michael to beat you up and handcuff you. I just froze and I didn't know how to react." Nikita said honestly.

" No problem. I am getting used to it." Alex said coldly. She was frustated with Nikita. She was going through hell every single day to protect her and she was always ready to doubt her. She didn't want to be a bitch to Nikita but she was tired of being patient. She needed to make Nikita understand that she had feelings, too.

" Michael are you satisfied with my answers? If you aren't, you are more than welcome to execute me" Alex said calmly and looked at Michael.

" It will take me some time to adjust the new situation but I am fine." Michael said as gently as he could and Alex nodded at him.

" Can we just move away from this fucking chair?" Nikita shouted annoyed. She wanted to move on, she didn't want to hurt Alex anymore.

" It is your choice" Alex replied and stared at her.

Nikita in response held her hand out to help Alex to stand up. Alex glared at it and then ignored the gesture and with difficulty she stood up and walked away from Nikita. She was stopped from Birkoff.

" Sean and I accept you and love you with everything that it is inside you and Nikita will, too" Birkoff whispered in her ear and Alex gave him a soft teary kiss on his cheek and started walking away. She froze as Birkoff put his hand around her waist to support her and a smile lighted her face as she understood that she wasn't alone on this.

" I am proud of you" Birkoff whispered when he helped Alex sat on the couch and Alex hit him softly on his shoulder.

Nikita watched the interaction with tears in her eyes. She had messed the things up. Alex had accepted Birkoff's help but she had denied hers. Alex was hurt by her actions and she couldn't blame her. She was always ready to doubt her even when she knew what Alex had done to protect her. Seeing Alex ignoring her hand, her help, the gesture of her friendship was like a kick in the guts and it pained her more than everything.

She had failed Alex again. She had left a little scratch on the surface to become a deep cut in their relationship. A cut that she didn't know how to close. A cut that she didn't know if Alex could heal. She had opened a gap between them that she didn't know how to close or if Alex wanted to close. Her world was crushing down.


	30. not knowing how to fix

Nikita watched the interaction with tears in her eyes. She had messed the things up. Alex had accepted Birkoff's help but she had denied hers. Alex was hurt by her actions and she couldn't blame her. She was always ready to doubt her even when she knew what Alex had done to protect her. Seeing Alex ignoring her hand, her help, the gesture of her friendship was like a kick in the guts and it pained her more than everything.

She had failed Alex again. She had left a little scratch on the surface to become a deep cut in their relationship. A cut that she didn't know how to close. A cut that she didn't know if Alex could heal. She had opened a gap between them that she didn't know how to close or if Alex wanted to close. Her world was crushing down.

* * *

Alex was lost in her thoughts, too. She didn't know how to react. She was hurt. Nikita was always ready to doubt her and think of her as one of the bad guys. It killed her that Nikita thought that she could actually kill Michael to take revenge on her, it killed her that she thought that she enjoyed being Phoenix, it killed her that she was scared of her when she gave her the Phoenix's gaze. Their relationship has ended up to be an endless torture for her. She had started doubting everything that they had gone through. Only the fact that Nikita was actually though that she was capable to be so evil and enjoy it, was like a stab wound on her heart.

Both girls come back from their thoughts when Birkoff spoke.

" Hey, where did you travel?" Birkoff asked Alex softly seeing her lost gaze.

" Nowhere" Alex lied calmly and closed her eyes to control her tears.

Birkoff saw that and he sighed sadly looking at Nikita and giving her a disapproval gaze.

" If you want to put the handcuffs back on, you should better do it now" Alex said coldly and opened her eyes.

Birkoff looked at her and smiled sadly. He could see that Alex was hurt, Nikita had really messed the things up this time.

" I will take your silence as you don't want to put them back on yet, maybe later" Alex added harsh after some seconds of silence when Nikita didn't reply.

Nikita looked at the back of Alex's head not knowing how to react. She was hurt, too. She didn't want to hurt Alex but somehow she always managed to cause Alex pain and she hated herself for that. Suddenly, she ran out of the room and slammed the door violently behind her closing it.

None reacted to Nikita's reaction. Michael was beating himself up for giving up to his ego and doubting Alex, Birkoff was expecting this kind of reaction feeling the tense between Alex and Nikita and Alex just let a tear to fall, a tear that she angrily wiped out.

" Alex?" Birkoff asked in a small voice not knowing what Alex wanted him to do.

" Try" Alex said simply asking Birkoff to try to put some sense into Nikita's mind. She knew that she wasn't in position to do it herself, she needed to pick up her own pieces. Her heart was broken in million of pieces right now, she had killed her mother, she had fought with Nikita-probably lost her too- and she missed Sean badly. She couldn't deal with anything right now. Holding herself together and not falling apart was an already difficult task, she couldn't deal with a broken Nikita right now.

Birkoff smiled softly and gave Alex a soft kiss on her cheek.

" You are making the right choice" Birkoff said and ran after Nikita. He could understand Alex, she was hurt. He had spent months talking with Alex and they had come pretty close. He was there to hear Alex's thoughts about everything, he was there to talk with Alex after every meeting that she had with Amanda, he knew everything that Alex had done for Nikita and it pained him to see their relationship so broken. He couldn't fix it, that was something that they needed to work alone but he could try to give Nikita a different angle, he could try to make her understand what she meant for Alex, why she was doing all that and how her reaction hurt her. He was just glad that Alex wanted to try to fix the cut in their relationship and close the gap.

When Birkoff left the room Michael was left alone with Alex and he instantly felt his heart beating faster. He needed to fix what he had caused. He had let Alex down. He had promised to be her guardian angel and he tortured her while she was heavily wounded. Slowly he took a deep breathe and went to sit next to Alex.

Alex felt Michael approaching in surprise and when he sat down next to her, she slowly lifted her head and looked at him in shock. He couldn't read his features, he was distant and hesitant but he was calm and warm at the same time.

" I am not going to kill you, relax" Alex said softly sensing Michael's hesitance and Michael gave her a small smile and he relaxed hearing Alex's soft tone. He had missed this tone, he had missed this caring gaze, he had missed Alex.

" I let you down" Michael commented calmly.

" Yes and No." Alex replied calmly and Michael looked at her in surprise.

" Michael, I am not mad because you beat me up, you had just learnt some horrifying information about me and you wanted to protect Nikita. But I am mad that you really thought of me like a threat, that you really thought that I could have handed Nikita to Amanda just to gain power. I wanted to believe that you knew me better than that." Alex explained noticing Michael's confused gaze.

" I know you better than that Alex and this is why I reacted like that. I didn't know what was going on, for months you work for the enemy side and suddenly I learn that you are Division's director and Phoenix, I thought that I was blind all the time and that you have fooled me. I know that nothing is going to make what I did right but I am sorry, Alex. I am sorry for beating you up, I am sorry for hurting you and I am sorry for doubting you" Michael said firmly and stared at Alex.

" Can I ask you something?" Alex asked accepting Michael's honest answer and staring at him with teary eyes.

" Of course" Michael replied and his heart melt looking the pain that Alex's eyes held.

" Am I so bad? Did you always think of me as the Devil? Did Nikita always think that I have so much evil inside me?" Alex asked hopeless and broken.

Michael couldn't stand this anymore, he couldn't see her in so much pain. Witout a second thought, he moved closer and hugged her.

" You aren't evil, Alex. We never thought of you as one of the bad guys. You are not evil." Michael said and he felt his tears falling down.

" But even if you have evil inside you, even if you are one of the bad guys, I will always be your guardian angel, I will always love you" Michael said firmly. Alex couldn't hold herself anymore, what Michael had just said triggered her emotions, she didn't want to hold herself anymore, she wanted to break and she broke. Slowly she started crying in Michael's hug and as Michael tightened his hold, she felt like her heart had started to beat again, she didn't care about breaking down in front of Michael, he had just accepted her and he had given her dad back. It was a gift that Michael would never be able to appreciate its value.

* * *

Meanwhile in the next room...

" Nikita?" Birkoff asked in a small voice and searched Nikita with his eyes.

He sighed when Nikita didn't respond and started looking for her. After some seconds he noticed her figure sitting down on the floor behind the bed. She had hugged her knees and she was like a little ball and her face was wet from the tears, her gaze distant. Birkoff took a deep breathe and went to sit next to her. He didn't want to press her and he waited for her to start the conversation.

" I have really messed the things up with Alex, haven't I?" Nikita whispered with grave voice.

" Yes, you have" Birkoff replied honestly.

" Why are you here?" Nikita asked and looked at him.

" I am here because Alex asked me to try" Birkoff replied truthfully.

" Try?" Nikita asked confused. Try to do what?

" Try to put some sense into your gorgeous mind, try to make you understand why she is doing what she does, trying to show you why your reactions hurt her." Birkoff explained calmly. This conversation was going better than he expected, Nikita hadn't left yet and he didn't have to struggle to approach her.

" She still wants to try?" Nikita cocked confused. She didn't want to let herself believe that there was still hope to fix her relationship with Alex, she didn't want to hurt herself more if it ended up in another disaster. Losing Alex again was already unbareable.

" Of course and she wants to try" Birkoff said softly and squeezed her hand.

" But I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to say to her. I just don't know how to fix it." Nikita said devastated. She was so lost. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to have Alex back but she didn't know how to make it up to her.

" You need to understand her" Birkoff suggested her.

" I know why she is hurt. I don't blame her. She has gone through hell for me and I keep turning my back on her." Nikita started beating herself up.

" Do you know why she is doing all that for you, for us?" Birkoff asked softly.

" Because she wants to protect us, I guess" Nikita said simply.

" Because she loves us" Birkoff corrected her and smiled.

" How can she love the killer of her father?" Nikita asked sadly.

" I don't know but she does and she is going through hell without protesting because she is scared, Nikita" Birkoff replied.

" Scared?" Nikita gasped confused.

" She is scared that she will lose one more person that she loves. She doesn't want to lose you, to lose us, she doesn't want you to be in danger. She is doing all that because she loves us and she wants to make the world safer for us. Not for her, for us because she loves us, because she thinks of us as her family. She actually killed her family by blood to protect her family by heart." Birkoff said calmly and Nikita let some tears to fall.

" She is hurt because you are always ready to doubt her. She is hurt because you think that she is so evil that you actually got scared of her when she gave you her Phoenix gaze. She is hurt because she is losing you. She is hurt because she hurts you. She can live without you as long as she knows that you are ok but now you aren't and she is hurt because she is the one responsible for your pain. She is hurt because her worst fears come alive when you push her away. She is hurt because you are one of the most important things in her life and she doesn't want to lose you" Birkoff added.

" I love her, nerd. I really do but how can I fix that? How can I take away her pain?" Nikita asked with teary eys.

Birkoff hugged Nikita tight.

" If you want to fix this, then make sure that she will understand what you just told me. Make sure that she will understand that you still love her and that you aren't afraid of her" Birkoff said and sensed Nikita breaking down in his hug.

" Let's make this right" Birkoff said after some minutes and stood up offering his hand to Nikita.

Nikita smiled up at him and took his hand. She didn't need it but she knew now how much it hurts to have someone ignoring this gesture.

With shaking legs, she walked back to the living room. Her face lightened up from an enormous smile when she saw Alex resting her head on Michael's chest and Michael hugging her tightly. If they could fix their relationship, then she might have a chance with Alex, too. She wanted to have a chance with Alex. She didn't want to push her away. She loved her so much that she didn't know how to show it to her. She was actually scared of the love that she felt for Alex.

" Can we join you?" Birkoff asked softly and Alex and Michael turned around but still not letting go of the contact that they both needed so much.


	31. fixing what is broken

" Can we join you?" Birkoff asked softly and Alex and Michael turned around but still not letting go of the contact that they both needed so much.

Alex looked at Birkoff not knowing what he was expecting her to do and thinking of what she was going to do. She wanted to do that, she wanted to let Nikita hug her but she didn't want to be a false hug, just to do it, she wanted her Nikita back, she didn't want Nikita to be mad or scared of her, she wanted to fix whatever was broken.

Michael was staring at Alex, he wanted Alex to accept Nikita's apology and let her back in exactly like she did with him. He wanted Alex to give Nikita her sister back but he could understand why Alex was hesitant.

Nikita was staring at Alex, too, with unsure gaze. She didn't know how to react, she wanted Alex to say 'yes' and accept her hug but she could see that Alex was hurt and she didn't want Alex to do something just because she had to or to make Nikita happy, she wanted Alex to really hug her.

Birkoff returned Alex's gaze. He didn't know what to do or what he expected Alex to do. He knew that Alex's heart was broken and she needed time to heal it. It wasn't just a stupid fight what happened with Nikita. It was someting bigger, it was something deeper, it was a major trust problem and they needed to work it out and not just pass through it. If Alex accepted the hug, it will be only a temporary situation and they will fight again soon but if she didn't then she would break Nikita's hurt and he didn't want that for none of them. He didn't know what the right decision was.

Alex was the one who decided to break the awkard silence feeling all the eyes staring at her.

" Why everyone is staring at me?" Alex asked hesitantly. It wasn't only her decision if Alex and Nikiita will try to fix their relationship or they will let it tear apart. It was Nikita's too.

" I think that they want your permission" Michael whispered in her ear amused with Alex's reaction.

" Whatever they want, I don't care" Alex replied harsh and stared at Nikita, who took a step back, like if she was hitten, hearing Alex's words. She needed to fix that.

Michael looked at Alex sadly.

" Give her one more chance" Michael whispered and stood up. He walked towards Nikita and kissed her softly and then he exited the room.

Birkoff sighed defeated. He walked towards Alex and handed her a syringe with the cure.

" Take the cure" Birkoff ordered firmly and followed Michael out of the room.

Alex glared at the cure and placed it softly on the table in front of her. She didn't want to take it. The virus was the last thing that hurt her right now. Her gunshots were shollew but most importantly her heart was broken. She rested herself back on the couch. If Nikita wanted to speak, she would speak, she wasn't going to start the conversation first.

Nikita watched as Alex threw the cure away. She could understand this gesture, she could see that Alex didn't take the cure because the virus didn't make any difference for her now, she was in emotional pain and that was worse. Slowly she moved towards Alex and picked up the syringe. She moved her hand to lift Alex's tank but Alex took a hold of her hand and stopped her.

" Alex!" Nikita said in disbelief. She couldn't see Alex forcing herself to go through physical pain because she was hurt emotionally.

Alex didn't reply, she just stared angrily at Nikita.

" You will take the cure or I will handcuff you and I will force the cure inside you" Nikita blackmailed Alex. She knew that she was playing a dangerous card. If Alex took that in a bad way, then everything would be over.

" Then handcuff me" Alex replied firmly not taking her eyes away for Nikita.

" I know how much pain I can handle. If I can't handle it, I will take the cure." Alex added seriously after few seconds of uncomfortable staring at each other.

Nikita sighed defeated and sat down on the table before Alex leaving the cure next to her.

" From 1 to 10, how much have I messed the things up this time?" Nikita asked hesitantly. She was scared of the answer.

" Honestly? 11" Alex replied softly making crystal clear to Nikita that she was really hurt.

" That is a really big mess" Nikita commented and smiled sadly.

" Yes, it is." Alex reassured her not trying to make Nikita feel better.

" And do you think that we can work it out?" Nikita asked hopeless. She had created a great mess and she didn't know what to do to clean it up, she didn't know how to fix this.

" If you really want to work it out. It is your choice Nikita now, not mine." Alex replied letting Nikita know that it was completely up to her how their relationship will end up. She would always want Nikita in her life but she wasn't sure that Nikita felt the same after everything that she had learnt. She didn't want Nikita to feel threatened by her, she didn't want Nikita to feel scared of her. She wanted their relationship to be real and she wanted Nikita to accept her with everything that it is inside her. She didn't want to hide part of herself from Nikita.

" What do you want Alex? Can you give me the chance to fix what is broken? Can you forgive me?" Nikita asked seriously. She was scared about the answer. She wanted her Alex back, she wanted to try to fix it, but she wasn't sure if Alex could let her back in once again. She didn't know how she managed to forgive her the previous time and she thought that Alex might not want to fix it, that maybe she was too tired of being hurt by her big sister.

Alex stared at Nikita thinking of how she should reply to Nikita so that she could make Nikita understand that she loved her and she always will. She took a deep breathe.

" Nikita. No matter what your choice will be today, if you decide to hate me or not, hunt me down or not, kill me or not, for me you will always be my Nikita, my big sister and I will always love you and care about you even if we are on enemy's sides, or if I have to torture you or if I have to die by your hand. It is completely up to you, I will accept any decision that you will make." Alex replied firmly and stared at Nikita hoping that she had made her point clear.

" I want to fix it, Alex. I really do. But I don't know how." Nikita said honestly. She missed Alex so much and losing again by her behavior was unforgivable. She wanted to work it out and have her Alex back in her arms but she didn't know how to fix the things.

" Let's start by identifying the problem. What do you think that is broken?" Alex said softly. She was glad that Nikita wanted to try and fix it and she had faith that she will do anything to fix it and that was enough for Alex to know.

" I don't really know. Everything. It is just a really big mess that I don't know how to handle." Nikita replied sadly. Honestly? She didn't know exactly what was broken, all their relationship was broken.

" For my point of view, we don't trust each other and that causes the huge mess." Alex said. She wasn't used to be the one with the answers. Usually Nikita was the wise one.

Nikita remained silent. Alex was right. Their problems weren't due to lack of love. It was something worse, it was lack of trust. Alex studied Nikita's feature and sighed defeated looking the sadness in Nikita's eyes.

" Let's talk about this. Do you want to start or should I?" Alex said. She didn't think that it would be so difficult to her to talk about that and try to fix their relationship but it was. She needed to gather all her courage to do so.

Nikita looked at Alex not knowing what to reply.

" Fine. I will go first. Give me one second" Alex replied to Nikita's gaze and took the syringe and quickly injected herself before Nikita could react. She shot her head back as the cure entered her system and closed her eyes in pain.

Suddenly, she opened her eyes widely and looked in disbelief at Nikita who had bent down and placed a soft kiss on the mark, then slowly moved up and kissed Alex's cheek.

" I told you that I will have this kind of reaction for a while" Nikita said sheepishly backing off away from Alex feeling Alex staring at her.

Alex shook her head in disbelief and amusement and smiled.

" Now, we can continue" Nikita said calmly.

Alex took a deep breathe.

" I used to trust you with my life until the day that I saw the video. I realised that you have been lying to me since the begining not trusting me to handle the truth. You didn't trust me and that was something that I couldn't handle so I stop trusting you, too. The last days that we are together, I have the impression that you never trusted me for real, not only to handle your real role in operation pale fire, but for everything. Nikita, you never trusted me to remain strong, you never trusted me to keep myself inside Division, you never trusted me when I told you that I will always be there for you even when you can't see me." Alex paused and took a deep breathe.

" I am not a saint. I have made a lot of mistakes and I don't blame you if you are mad at me. I have turned into everything that you hate and you might hate me too for that. But Nikita, if you have ever trusted me, if you have had faith in me, you would have never believed that i would be capable to kill Michael to take revenge on you or hand you to Amanda to gain power, you would have never believed that I could enjoy being Phoenix or that there wasn't something else under the surface. I actually think that you always thought that I have a great amount of evil inside me and that in some point I would become who I should have been if that night never happened." Alex added.

" And I have evil inside me, like everyone else does, like you, like Michael, like every single person. I might have more evil than a usual person. The difference between us is that I trusted you to control your evil, while you never trusted me to handle mine." Alex finished her thoughts and sighed in defiance. It was good to take it out, to speak about your fears and your regrets and your feelings, it felt good not to pretend that everything is ok.

Nikita looked at Alex with wide eyes. She was shocked.

_Is that what she really thinks about our relationship? I have screwed up the things so much that she had started doubting about everything that have happened since the very begining? She can't really believe that I never trusted her, can she? I always trusted her, I still trust her. I know that she can control her evil. Alex was always strong, much stronger than I am. My pain of her loss was so deep that I was blind to anything else. I forgot everything that we had promised to each other, I doubted her so deeply trying to bring myself to forget about her and move on that I actually made her believe that I never trusted her, that I thought of her as the Devil, full of evil and darkness and hate. But I don't believe of her like that. I never did and I never will. I have to tell her that, she needs to know why I did what I did, why I doubt her. She needs to know, I need to tell her. _Nikita thought and felt her eyes filled with tears that she tried badly to hold bad.

" I never thought that you can't control your dark side, if you have one and I always trusted you and I still do. I trust you not only with my life but also with my heart, Alex. I never told you that I was the one who was supposed to kill your father not because I didn't trust you but because I was afraid. I knew that you will stick on to the plan and continue our battle but I was afraid that our relationship would be over, that you would stop caring about me and loving me and you would start seeing at me just like an ally, nothing more and I couldn't stand this idea. I couldn't lose you, I didn't want you to build back the walls that it took my ages to overpower, I didn't want to lose my little sister and my best friend. I was a coward and I am sorry for lying to you and keeping secrets from you. We were partners and I should have treated you like one. You deserved the truth but I was afraid to give it to you, I was afraid to lose. Can you please understand me?" Nikita replied with shaking voice.

Alex didn't reply. She could see the honesty in Nikita's eyes but she didn't want to talk until Nikita had finished what she had to say. Nikita sighed hurt in response to Alex's silence. She took a deep breathe.

" And I never really doubt you. I never thought seriously that you would have killed Michael to hurt me or that you would have handed me to Amanda to gain power or that you enjoy being Phoenix. But I was so hurt that I couldn't think straight. I was blind because of the pain. I was trying to bring myself to accept your loss, to accept that you would never trust me again or love me or hug me, to accept that you were my enemy. I couldn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it. So I tried to force myself to believe it, I did everything in power to start thinking of you as one of the bad guys, every movement that you did, I explained it to myself in the worst possible way. I pushed away everything good that you did for me during all that time, I pushed away the fact that you saved me from being raped or that you told me that you care before you shot me because it didn't match to the profil that I wanted to give you. I needed to think of you as one of the bad guys in order to move on without you but that doesn't mean that I think that you are evil. I was just trying to put my pieces together and move on." Nikita completed her explanation and let an lonely tear to fall down.

Alex looked at her with teary eyes. She didn't know that she had hurt Nikita so much when she left.

" But I am evil, Nikita." Alex whispered and looked away ashamed of her confession.

" You are not evil, Alex. You aren't evil when you act. Even if a part of you is evil that doesn't make you evil. You control it and that is what matter. We all have evil inside us, but that doesn't change who we are and you will be always my Alex" Nikita said firmly and forced Alex to look at her by touching gently her face.

" It is easy to say that when you speak with your Alex." Alex retorted in pain. She knew that Nikita will always love her Alex, but she thought that Nikita will never be able to accept the whole Alex with everything that she had done even if it was to protect her.

" Then let me speak with Phoenix" Nikita requested softly.

" No" Alex said and stood up walking away from Nikita. She didn't want to see Nikita's scared gaze again. She didn't want to give to Nikita phoenix's gaze ever again.

Nikita siged and stood up, too. She moved towards and stopped Alex's pacing by touching her shoulder and turning her around.

" Please, Alex." Nikita pleaded and Alex shook her head negatively.

" Please, Alex. I want to speak with her, I want to see the eyes of your evil and I don't want you to snap out of it until I tell you or until you feel that there is nothing that can be done to fix our relationship. Please. One last time. Please" Nikita begged and stared at Alex.

Alex looked back at Nikita and she slowly nodded not taking her gaze away from her. Slowly, her bright baby blue eyes turned into blurry dark, haunted and scaring eyes. Nikita let go off of Alex's shoulders and took a step back. She wasn't used to this gaze and she still scared her. She stared back trying to find something and after a minute she found it, she found the answer that she was looking for, she would always love Alex. Slowly she closed the gap and placed a hand on Alex's cheek.

" I don't care if you have evil or not, if your name is Phoenix, Alexandra or Alex, if you are Division's director or mafia or just a usual girl, because I love you, all of you, with your ups and down, with your mistakes, with your good and bad and evil. I love you, Alex, please let me back in" Nikita said firmly and she saw as Alex's gaze returned to its usual self and tears started running freely from Alex's eyes.

Nikita put Alex in a bone-breaking hug.

" I am sorry, Alex. I am really sorry. I love you baby girl" Nikita cried in Alex's hair. Alex slowly lifted her hands and returned Nikita's hug. It was one of the happiest moments of her life, she had Nikita back, she didn't need to hide any part of herself from Nikita because she accepted her with everything. She had her mentor, her sister, her best friend back by her side. Her heart had started healing itself, first Michael, now Nikita. Only Sean was missing and then a big part of her heart would be fine again. They had things to work out but for now, they were in each other hug and they were safe.

After few minutes, Alex pulled herself back and Nikita felt her heart arching from the loss of contact afraid that Alex had changed her mind and looked curiously at Alex.

" I am sorry for hurting you. And I don't blame you if you are mad at me for taking over Division and everything that you hate. I know that you love me but you are allowed to kick my ass. I don't want you to hold your anger back, Nikita. I don't want you to surpress your feelings just because our relationship is going through crisis and if you really want to fix our broken relationship, I need something from you" Alex said calmly and wiped her tears.

" Anything" Nikita replied without taking a second to think.

" React. Don't hold it back. I know that you are mad. Take out your anger however you want. You want to shoot me? Shoot me. You want to beat the hell out of me? Beat me. You want to punch me? Punch me. Please, Nikita. React, don't try to control your anger because in the end it will come up on the surface. Please, let's fix our relationship properly. I don't want to create new scratchs on the surface while we are trying to close the cuts" Alex pleaded firmly. She knew that Nikita was frustated with her for taking over Division and that she was trying to control her anger not wanting to create more problems in their relationship but it was already a problem and they will have to deal with that eventually.

Nikita stared at Alex with wide eyes. Alex was right. Alex knew her so well that she could understand what it was left unspoken. She thought about what Alex had said and she decided that they would have to deal with that sooner or later.

Suddenly, she slammed Alex's face with force causing it to twist. Alex didn't let a sound escape her mouth, she didn't let a tear to form in her eyes.

" Again." Alex ordered and stared back at Nikita.

" You are wounded Alex" Nikita shouted. Now that she had started it was difficult for her to control her anger and Alex asking her for more made it even more difficult.

" And I am sure that you will take good care of me. Don't stop until you feel satisfied and calm down. I took control over Division, Nikita. I took control of the place that you hate the most" Alex replied calmly.

She stopped when Nikita's fist met her cheek and reopened her cut. Nikita slammed with the back of her palm Alex's face one more time and stopped breathing heavily. She moved towards Alex and hugged her.

" Sorry" Nikita whispered softly when she pulled herself back.

" You can continue for as long as you need to, Nikita. Please." Alex replied seriously.

" I don't want to hurt you more, Alex. I am sorry for giving up in my anger and hitting you in first place. I would have probably taken the same choice. Controlling Division doesn't make you Amanda or Percy, doesn't make you a bad guy, doesn't make you corrupted. I love you, Alex" Nikita said softly and wiped Alex's blood from her cheek.

" Come, let's take care of your face before it gets too bruised" Nikita ordered softly and moved Alex to the couch and started taking care of her cut and her bruises.

Alex looked at Nikita as she took care of her. She felt peace inside her. She was happy to have Nikita back. Slowly she lifted her hand and took a hold of Nikita's hand stopping her. Nikita looked at Alex curiously.

" Thanks" Alex whispered. A thanks full of meanings. Thanks for saving me, for trusting me, for giving me my soul and my family back, for taking care of me, for loving me, for accepting me, for being there, thanks for everything.

Nikita smiled softly.

" No. I thank you" Nikita replied. Thanks for teaching me how to love again, how to be human again, for being there when none was, for trusting me, for loving me, for understanding me, for letting me back in, for forgiving me, for accepting me, for being there, for protecting me, for being my friend and my sister, thanks for everything.


	32. badass in action

" Thanks" Alex whispered. A thanks full of meanings. Thanks for saving me, for trusting me, for giving me my soul and my family back, for taking care of me, for loving me, for accepting me, for being there, thanks for everything.

Nikita smiled softly.

" No. I thank you" Nikita replied. Thanks for teaching me how to love again, how to be human again, for being there when none was, for trusting me, for loving me, for understanding me, for letting me back in, for forgiving me, for accepting me, for being there, for protecting me, for being my friend and my sister, thanks for everything.

* * *

Nikita didn't say anything else, she just continued taking care of Alex's face. Both girls were brought out of their thoughts when Birkoff came running to the living room.

" Sean is on the phone" Birkoff said smiling and handed a cell phone to Alex who smiled widely and then he left the room.

" Sean?" Alex asked softly.

" How is my love?" Sean replied calmly.

" I am fine. You?" Alex said.

" I miss you." Sean replied.

" Welcome to the club. I miss you too" Alex retorted.

" How did the mission go?" Alex asked worried.

" We rescued the guys. No losses from our side. They are healing now. We will back in a couple of days" Sean debriefed her.

" Excellent. Did you check on the brothels?" Alex replied.

" I am here now and I think that you have a situation. I found one girl beaten up and she refuses to tell me what happened" Sean said sadly.

" Who?" Alex asked worried.

" Irina" Sean replied quickly.

Alex gasped and lowered the cell phone for awhile. She looked at Nikita.

" Nikita, I need to do something but I don't want to do it if you feel uncomfortable" Alex whispered with an apologetic tone.

" What?" Nikita asked curiously.

" I have to become Phoenix" Alex said and looked at the floor.

Nikita looked at Alex with wide eyes.

" Do what you have to do. I am not leaving. I love you" Nikita replied softly and Alex nodded in acceptance.

Slowly she lifted her head and her eyes were dark and scaring once more.

" Give her the phone" Alex ordered Sean with a tone that Nikita had never heard again. Nikita had the opportunity to see Phoenix in action and she must admit that Alex's figure acting like Phoenix was something that could scare her.

" Madam" Irina said with a small unsure voice.

" Irina. Tell me what happened" Alex ordered softer.

" Nothing, madam. I just fell from the stairs" Irina lied too afraid to confess the truth.

" Irina, I have already told you that if someone mistreats you- client or guard- I want you to come to me and I will take care of it. You don't have to be afraid. Tell me what happened" Alex said calmly with a caring tone.

" Nothing" Irina cried.

" I am running out of patience. Don't make me come in Russia to find out who beats up my girls. If you defy my orders one more time you will face my punishment" Alex threatened with a tone full of hate that sent shivers through Nikita's spine.

Irina started crying.

" Jack! Ok? It was Jack! He beat me up and raped me! Please don't punish me!" Irina cried scared.

" Did he have any reason to do so? Did you try to escape?" Alex asked softer.

" No. I did nothing wrong." Irina replied nervously.

" Irina, take a deep breathe" Alex ordered and Irina obeyed.

" Better now?" Alex asked after awhile.

" Yes, madam" Irina replied softer.

" I am sorry for what Jack did to you. I will take care of him. But I mean it, if someone mistreats you, I want to know it. Is that clear?" Alex said firmly.

" Yes, madam" Irina replied.

" As an apology for Jack's unacceptable behavior, you are excused from duty for a week. You will be transferred to the medical and we will try to minimize the pain of your wounds. We can't do a lot because I don't want you to get addicted again but we will do our best." Alex promised to Irina.

" Thanks madam" Irina replied.

" Now, give the phone back to Sean and go to medical" Alex ordered and Irina obeyed.

" You have your way with the girls" Sean commented.

" They still don't trust me enough to come to me when someone beats them up. I need to threaten them to take out the truth from them. I hate it" Alex replied sadly and her gaze turned into a caring one.

" You are getting to them, Alex" Sean tried to reason her.

" I have to threaten them that they will be punished by me, Sean. I amn't getting to them, they are just afraid of what I am capable to do to them." Alex shouted frustated.

" Alexandra Udinov stop beating yourself up, you are always there for the girls and they know it, they are just not used to have a boss who cares about them" Sean said firmly.

" I want to speak with Jack and his supervisor" Alex ordered.

She took a deep breathe and closed her eyes. With her men she couldn't show any kind of care or hesitance, she needed to be merciless, cruel, cold-blood.

" Madam." Jack and his supervisor called after a while.

Alex opened her eyes that now were more dark and haunted than ever.

" I will make it crystal clear for you. The next time that you will disrespect me and defy my orders, I will feed you with your own balls and then I will kill you. If you touch one of my girls one more time, if I see a bruise on their body, you will regret it. You will respect them and take care of them, they aren't objects for your personal enertainment. They are doing their job and I expect you to do yours. Is that clear Jack?" Alex whispered and Nikita jumped up scared of her tone. She didn't want to know Jack's reaction. This threat was directed to him but even she had gotten scared.

" Yes madam" Jack cocked with shaking voice.

" William, you are his supervisor and I expect more from you. If you are incapable to keep your men on the lease then tell me now" Alex continued in the same tone.

" No, madam. It won't be repeated" William replied scared.

" But just to be clear with you too, if it does, you will be punished severely by my hand and the death will be a gift not given to you for a long time. Do you understand what does this mean?" Alex said coldly.

" Yes madam. I am sorry madam" William said with shaking voice.

" I don't want to see one more girl being mistreated. Take care of my girls. Irina will be excused from duty for a week and you will make it sure that she is being treated properly. You can go now." Alex ordered and Sean picked up the phone again.

Alex shook her head and her bright blue eyes went back in place. She instantly felt tears forming that she didn't bother to hold back.

" And you have your way with the men too" Sean commented amused seing the fear in the men's eyes.

" I feel so wonderful that both girls and men are scared to death of me" Alex said sarcastically.

" You are making a difference, Alex. You are. And I am not afraid of you. I love you" Sean tried to reason her.

" I love you, too, Sean. Come back home safely" Alex said and hang off the phone. She didn't want to talk any longer, she was afraid that she will break down if she kept hearing Sean's voice telling her that it was okay to be Phoenix and that he didn't despise her for that.

She looked up at Nikita, who was still standing up in a state of shock.

" I am sorry that I scared you" Alex whispered and looked away ashamed that she had such an effect on Nikita.

Nikita blinked her eyes. She couldn't do that to Alex, not again. She had to snap out from her shock.

" You are good at that." Nikita commented casually and sat back down.

" Unfortunately" Alex whispered in return.

" I am sorry that you had to see me like that" Alex added in a small voice barely holding herself together.

" Seeing you like what? Trying to protect the girls from being mistreated?" Nikita retorted softly. She was amazed with what Alex had done just few minutes ago. When Birkoff said that Alex was making a difference, she didn't expect something like that, that she would care and try to help the girls that work for her, that she would try to keep them away from drugs and beatings and rapes. She expected that in a long term, she will shut the brothels down, but Alex was making a difference now, she had changed the rules of the human trafficking.

" By threatening all of them. I feel so amazing that they are so scared of me that they will do whatever I want." Alex said sarcastically.

" And you want to protect them, Alex. And I feel amazed that you have the strength to do so" Nikita replied and cupped Alex's face.

" So amazed that you got scared. There is a reason why they are so scared, Nikita. They aren't afraid of an idea, they are afraid of ME, because I made them afraid of me, because they had witnessed what I am capable to do. You are scared of the idea, they are scared of me" Alex said seriously and stared at Nikita.

Nikita realised that even if Alex was strong and had made the choice to take control of the mafia in order to make the world better, that act was excruciating for her, that act was killing her from the inside.

" I am not going to lie to you. Yes, seeing you like that scares me, the look in your eyes scares me, the tone in your voice scares me, the words that you speak scare me, the fact that they are afraid of you scares me but you don't scare me. I love you, Alex. Even when you scare the hell out of me, I love you." Nikita said firmly.

" I hate it, Nikita. I hate who I can become. I hate that they are scared of me. I hate that they would choose death over my punishment. I hate this person, Nikita and I am afraid of myself." Alex said and stood up walking away.

She took a deep breathe.

" Sometimes I feel like the evil inside me takes control, I am scared that my evil will shallow me, I am afraid that I am losing myself." Alex said and stopped turning to face Nikita who had tears running on her cheeks.

" I am scared, Nikita" Alex added staring at the woman before her and let her tears to fall.

Nikita couldn't take it anymore. She had never seen Alex so scared, even when she rescued Alex from her burning home, she wasn't so scared. She hold back her sob and stood up. Softly she walked towards Alex and hugged her. Alex struggled trying to push Nikita away.

" Stop fighting me" Nikita ordered firmly.

" I am not going anywhere. Please Alex. Let me in" Nikita begged and Alex's fights slowly came to an end and let Nikita hugged her

" Let you in what, Nikita?" Alex asked harsh.

" Everything. I am holding you and you aren't going to turn into evil, Alex" Nikita replied and walked Alex on the bed.

" But what if I do? What if I lose control?" Alex whispered defeated.

" Then, we will be by your side and we will try to bring you back in the light just like you did for me, for us" Nikita replied seriously.

Alex pulled apart and looked at Nikita.

" What if I lose control on you, Nikita? I don't want to hurt you but what if for some reason I lose control and you will have to pay for that? What then? How am I supposed to forgive myself if I hurt you willingly? I am not talking about the possibility of you to get caught because then I will have to play along and hurt you to keep you alive, but what if we fight or anything and I lose control? I don't want to hurt you." Alex cried devastated.

Nikita was shocked hearing Alex saying that she was afraid that she couldn't control it and that she was afraid of hurting her.

" Alex, you can control it. I trust you to control it." Nikita said firmly.

" But if you lose control and hurt me I will never turn my back on you ever again. And I will be happy that this time you would have chosen to kick my ass and make me pay for breaking your heart than leaving me" Nikita added and stared at Alex's eyes.

" I need you to know now that I have complete control of my emotions, before Amanda screw up with my feelings one more time, that I love you Nikita, no matter what I might do to you, no matter how hard I will fight you, no matter what I will say to hurt you, I need you to know that I love you. Please, don't forget that. I love you, Nikita." Alex said firmly.

" I love you, too. No matter what you might do. I love you and I will love you always and forever more than you can imagine." Nikita replied seriously and kissed Alex.

The two girls have just promised to love each other no matter what will come in their ways. It was a promise that they will have to try hard to keep it. The life is unexpected and you never know what is coming next. They both know the honesty behind that promise but when the reality strikes you sometimes you don't know how to react. The real question is; how they are going to react?


	33. welcome is in order

The two girls have just promised to love each other no matter what will come in their ways. It was a promise that they will have to try hard to keep it. The life is unexpected and you never know what is coming next. They both know the honesty behind that promise but when the reality strikes you sometimes you don't know how to react. The real question is; how they are going to react?

* * *

Next morning...

" Nikita, you have to let me go, please" Alex pleaded Nikita. She needed to go back to Division and continue her act.

" I don't want to" Nikita said honestly and felt tears in her eyes. She didn't want to let Alex return in that hole, she didn't want to let Alex leave her side ever again. She wanted Alex to stay with her forever and never look back.

Alex stood up and walked towards Nikita. She placed a hand on her face and smile.

" I know. But if you let me go now then soon you will never have to let me go ever again. Please. We are so close to the end. Oversight is almost compromised, Amanda is losing control, the mafia is slowly kneeling in front of me. Please. I need to end this. I have to go back, Nikita. I have to end this war once and for all." Alex requested softly.

Nikita hugged her tightly like if her life depended on that and nodded defeated.

" What do I have to do?" Nikita asked in a small voice.

" I need you to swear me that you will do exactly as I say to you. My life depends on that. No matter how bad it will be, I need you to do so. Please." Alex replied softly.

" What do you have in mind?" Nikita asked scared for the answer.

" Promise me" Alex ordered seriously.

" Alex.." Nikita started arguing.

" My life depends on that, Nikita. My emotional state depends on that. Please." Alex cut her off calmly.

" Fine. I will do as you wish." Nikita replied defeated.

Alex took a few steps behind creating a gap between the two girls knowing that a violent outbrust was coming.

" I need you to almost execute me in front of Division's cameras" Alex said softly staring at Nikita.

" YOU WANT WHAT?" Nikita yelled in shock and her fist closed in anger.

" How is your aim those days?" Alex asked quietly.

" NO. Forget it." Nikita shouted in denial and walked away from Alex not wanting to take her anger out on her.

" Nikita, if you don't do this then Amanda would have every reason to torture me for days both emotionally and physically and I can't take it. Please. Help me. I am not asking you to kill me, I am asking you to act and show that you hate me and that our relationship is more damaged than ever. Please." Alex pleaded Nikita with a pained tone.

" What do I have to do?" Nikita asked defeated. She couldn't ignore a plea like that. Alex's tone was full of pain and she couldn't let her little sister suffer in Amanda's hands if she could do something to prevent it. She would play along if this was the only thing that could help Alex survive.

Alex and Nikita spent hours going through the plan of how Nikita should hand Alex back to Division. Nikita didn't like the idea of what Alex wanted her to do but she knew that her protegee was stubborn and nothing could change her mind.

" Alex." Nikita said softly while they were getting prepared to depart. Alex handed Michael a machine gun and turned to face Nikita with a smile on her face.

" Can I talk to you for a second?" Nikita requested calmly.

" Of course" Alex replied confused and followed Nikita to another room.

" I love you." Nikita said seriously.

Alex's smile grew bigger.

" I love you, too" Alex whispered back.

" With everything that it is inside you, good, bad and evil. With your ups and down, with your past and present and future. I love you. Please don't disappear again." Nikita pleaded.

" I will try my best to keep in touch. I promise you." Alex replied softly and felt a warm feeling passing through her veins hearing Nikita's honest concern and love.

" And I want to apologise for what I am going to say and do to you in a few hours" Nikita said sheepishly.

" Nikita, you don't have to apologise. I asked you to hurt me emotionally and physically. It is ok. And as soon as I get rid off of Amanda, I will contact you and I will tell you that I love you again and again until you feel okay." Alex replied.

" Just don't miss the shot and kill me" Alex added sarcastically.

" Alex" Nikita exclaimed annoyed and hit her softly in the arm that wasn't bandaged.

" I love you" Alex replied smiling and hugged Nikita.

* * *

Division... 1 hour and 30 minutes later...

" Amanda, a car is approaching our area" Sonya informed Amanda who ran to her worried.

" Do we have visual and audio?" Amanda asked and took her gun out checking the bullets. She waited that sometime those days Nikita would come and hand Alex back to Division.

" Yes" Sonya replied and put a video on the screen.

They saw as the vehicle suddenly came in a stop. Amanda stared confused as nothing happened and then she saw the back door of a mini van opening and a handcuffed Alex coming flying out of the vehicle. Her eyes opened in shock as Alex landed violently on her back and screamed in agony as her already broken arm hit the ground with force. Instantly she waved to two guards to follow her and run out of the ops heading upstairs to get Alex. She took a tablet with her and kept watching the interaction curiously. She saw as Alex's waist started being covered with blood as her bullet wound reopened and watched with wide eyes Nikita approaching Alex's body and kicking her back to the ground. She stared at Nikita's eyes and saw hate and betrayal. She felt more and more anxious as Nikita placed her leg on Alex's throat threateningly and then pointed her gun on her head. Alex had tears in her eyes. Amanda couldn't believe what she was watching. She could never imagine that their relationship will be so damaged that the saint Nikita could actually threaten Alex's life. Finally the elevator reached the ground level and she jumped out running towards Nikita and Alex. They all froze when they heard Nikita yelled at them.

" Drop your guns" Nikita yelled and hold her gun tighter gesturing to them that she wasn't kinding.

Amanda slowly hide her gun back and took a step foward hesitantly.

" You don't want to hurt her" Amanda said calmly.

" And why is that?" Nikita asked screaming and anger was obvious in her tone.

" Because you love her" Amanda replied softly.

Nikita pulled the trigger and shot. Alex shut her eyes closed seeing Nikita pressing the trigger and Amanda screamed in complete shock hearing the sound of the bullet shot.

A sigh of relief left her mouth as she realised that Nikita had shot inches above of Alex's head.

" My Alex has died, she is just a bitch, a whore who sold her beliefs and her morals to gain power. The next one will be in your fucking skull, Alexandra" Nikita said coldly and kicked Alex's head causing it to twist and then she jumped back inside the car and Michael accelerated.

" Shoot at her" Amanda ordered the guards and she ran towards Alex's bleeding body. She knelt down next to her and stared at her in shock not knowing what to do. The last months she had gotten pretty close to Alex, she had started caring and loving the young girl. She had proved million of times that she wasn't Nikita and she had let herself to get attached to Alex.

" Are you ok?" Amanda asked worried and wipped the blood from Alex's cut on her cheek that Nikita's kick had reopened.

Alex didn't reply. She just stared with watery eyes on the ground avoiding Amanda's gaze.

" Let's get you inside and take care of your wounds. You are bleeding." Amanda said not wanting to press the girl more and helped her to stand up, she put Alex's hand around her neck and took some of her weight on her and slowly she helped Alex move to medical.

* * *

" You are a good actress. " Michael said and kissed Nikita when they were far away from Division.

" I think that I might hit Alex too hard" Nikita whispered sadly.

" Oh don't worry. She will be fine." Michael tried to calm her down.

" Michael, I reopened her wounds, I reopened the wounds that gained in order to protect me. I left her bleeding on the ground with Amanda. I called her whore. I ..." Nikita started crying.

Michael pulled over the car and looked at Nikita.

" Nikita, she asked you to hit her and to hurt her. She asked you to be a bitch towards her. She asked you to do so to save her from Amanda and I think that you did it. You didn't mean to hurt her and she knows that. Calm down. When she is clear from Amanda, she will contact us. She is fine, Nikita and she loves you. You did what she asked you to do." Michael said firmly and Nikita looked up at him.

Slowly, a smile formed on her face and nodded.

" I just hope that she is fine." Nikita said simply.

* * *

" Doctor, how is she?" Amanda asked worried about Alex's well being.

" She has two gunshots, one on the shoulder, one on the stomach which reopened, her arm will take some more time to heal, she has also bruises and cut on her cheek and we gave her extra doses of the cure. She will be fine." the doctor replied seriously.

" Can I see her?" Amanda asked calmly.

" Of course" the doctor replied and walked away leaving Amanda outside of the medical room.

Amanda slowly opened the door and looked at Alex's figure. Alex was lying on the bed covered with white bandages and staring at the celling with empty gaze. Alex's turned to face Amanda as soon as she heard the heels approaching. Amanda moved to Alex's unbandaged side and trailed her fingers on her hand. Alex stared back curiously and tried to control her fear seeing Amanda's calm face.

" Are you okay?" Amanda asked and concern was obvious in her voice.

" I will be fine." Alex said casually not wanting to chat with Amanda and afraid that Nikita's act might haven't worked and Amanda would like to torture her again and make sure that their alliance is still active.

" Some wounds take more time than others to heal" Amanda commented wisely.

" What do you want Amanda?" Alex asked seriously.

" How all those wounds happened?" Amanda asked confused. The last time that she had seen Alex before the mission she had a broken arm, but she had a broken arm, two bullet wounds and a beaten face. What happened?

" Shoulder, Katya. Stomach, Jaden. Face, Michael and Nikita." Alex replied casually.

" Katya and Jaden were killed by your gun." Amanda commented.

" You told me not to fight Nikita and I didn't. Katya shot at Nikita, Nikita doved and I took the bullet. Jaden shot me. Nikita shot them both with my gun" Alex lied emotionless.

" Face?" Amanda requested softly. She didn't want to interrogate, Alex. She was just worried.

" Michael and Nikita took their anger out a couple of times on my face when they learnt that I am Division's co-director." Alex replied her voice empty of any emotions.

" I am sorry. I didn't think that they would hurt you." Amanda said sadly.

Alex remained silent. Her gaze staring back at the celling.

" Do you want to check my loyalty? We can move to sublevel 12, if you want." Alex said coldly.

" Alex. You came back. You didn't have to, you were free but you came back and you have totally pissed off Nikita. I don't want to question your loyalty. Stop being so defensive when I am around" Amanda replied softly.

" Then, what do you want Amanda?" Alex asked seriously.

" I wanted to make sure that you are fine. And I don't mean physically. You can talk to me, Alex." Amanda said softly.

" You can't be serious..." Alex commented in disbelief.

" I am not your enemy, Alex. I know that our relationship has gone through some really tough periods, I have tortured you uncountable times and you have betrayed me uncountable times but I think that we have passed through this. I am not your enemy anymore." Amanda retorted calmly.

" You are not my friend either" Alex replied seriously.

" Fear the fake friend who hugs you and not the enemy who attacks you. I never worn masks. My intentions were always clear to you. I just want to be there for you. Friendship is something that we can build if we decide so, for now I just want to be there for you. Talk to me, Alexandra. Let it out." Amanda requested softly.

Alex glared at Amanda.

" During the last year, I have learnt that my best friend shot my father, that my mother was alive and that my father didn't die that night. I have been tortured by my mother, by Michael and Nikita and by you. I have been shot by my mother, Jaden and Nikita. I am wanted by the chinese mafia. And Nikita almost executed me today. How exactly am I supposed to feel?" Alex said with grave voice.

" Not good obviously. I am sorry, Alex. I am here for you whenever you are ready to let me in." Amanda replied calmly and cupped Alex's face. She had started seeing Alex like her daughter. She wanted her daughter to be as strong as Alex.

Alex looked at Amanda with watery eyes. She was taken off guards. She wasn't used to Amanda's soft side and she was scared of Amanda's reaction if she got hurt. She knew that she was acting but she didn't want to hurt Amanda while she had left herself so exposed to her, she didn't want to imagine the anger and the pain that Amanda will feel when everything comes to an end and how she is going to take it out.

She didn't have the time to reply because the door opened and the doctor stepped in.

" You are cleared from medical and I really hope that I won't see you here anytime soon. You have turned into a permanent guest those weeks" the doctor said and moved towards Alex making his last check-up and then he left.

" He is right. Stay safe." Amanda commented and smiled softly.

Alex stood up with difficulty and looked at Amanda.

" Are you sure that you don't want to reassure our alliance?" Alex asked.

" Yes. Nikita's gaze is enough reassurance." Amanda replied calmly.

" Can I go home then?" Alex requested.

" Sure. If you need anything, call me." Amanda replied and Alex nodded before she left the room.

When she was back at her apartment a small smile light her face. She was safe. Amanda had bitten the baint. Nikita's act was outstanding. Quickly she pulled out a phone and texted to Birkoff.

_Do your magic. I will see you in 30'. My place. Let's hope that I won't have unexpected visitors._

Alex took a dose of the cure and she went to take a bath. She was wiping the water out of her hair when she heard little footsteps approaching from behind.

" A whore who sold her beliefs and her morals to gain power. Nice line" Alex said sarcastically and turned around to see Nikita's frozen figure.

She smiled seeing the pain in Nikita's eyes.

" I love you." Alex said simply and Nikita smiled softly.

Nikita ran and hugged Alex almost knocking her down.

" Hey" Alex said confused. What the hell was wrong with Nikita?

" I am sorry, so so sorry. I didn't mean any of that. I am sorry and I love you." Nikita cried in Alex's hair.

Alex pushed Nikita away and stared at Nikita.

" Give me your hand" Alex ordered and lifted her hand to take Nikita's. Slowly she placed Nikita's hand on her chest and kept it there. She looked up at Nikita and smiled seeing the confusion in her features.

" If you don't trust my words then trust my heart. You were always able to hear my heart. What does it say to you?" Alex replied to her unspoken question.

Nikita looked at her and smiled.

" What does it say, Nikita?" Alex asked firmly.

" It says that you have forgiven me for everything and that you have moved on and that you thank me for playing along" Nikita said and shallowed hard.

" What else does it say?" Alex asked seriously.

" That you love me, always and forever, more than I can imagine and you will never stop loving me no matter what I say or do. It says that you are my little sister no matter what" Nikita said and let some tears to fall down on her cheeks.

" That is right. I love you." Alex replied calmly and took Nikita in her hug and let her take out her pain and her anger.

" And thank you for saving me from Amanda's torture sension" Alex added whispering in her ears.

The girls pulled apart when someone knocked Alex's door. Michael and Birkoff came in the bedroom and Alex left with a gun in her hands. She lifted the gun and opened the door.

" That wasn't exactly the welcome that I had in mind" someone said and Alex immediately threw her gun and pulled the person inside. She pinned him down on the wall and kissed him passionately.

" Maybe that was the welcome that you had in mind, Sean?" Alex asked softly when they pulled apart.


	34. i lose anyway

" That wasn't exactly the welcome that I had in mind" someone said and Alex immediately threw her gun and pulled the person inside. She pinned him down on the wall and kissed him passionately.

" Maybe that was the welcome that you had in mind, Sean?" Alex asked softly when they pulled apart.

* * *

" That was a good welcome" Sean replied and suddenly took out his gun and put himself in front of Alex.

Alex smiled and placed a reassuring hand on Sean's shoulder.

" You are back!" Birkoff shouted and ran towards Sean to greet him properly.

" What the hell is going on?" Sean asked and gestured to Nikita and Michael who were standing a few meters away hidding his gun.

Alex bent down and took her gun in her hands and hide it behind her.

" A casual visit. Don't worry" Birkoff replied calmly.

Sean nodded and hugged Alex from behind.

" What happened to your face? The last time I saw you, you were fine." Sean said softly and kissed Alex's cut.

Alex tensed up not knowing how she was supposed to reply to Sean. She knew that the truth would probably cause an outbrust and she didn't want that.

" I guess that this is our fault" Nikita replied sadly instead of her and pointed to Michael and herself.

Sean let go off of Alex and looked confused at Nikita.

" What do you mean?" Sean asked harsh.

" Sean, relax." Alex ordered firmly.

" Nikita, what do you mean?" Sean repeated his question ignoring Alex's order.

" We didn't take it in a good way that Alex is Division's co-director and Phoenix" Michael said apologetically.

" And you took your anger out on her face?" Sean shouted frustated.

Nikita's head dropped down ashamed of the fact and Michael stared at Alex with an apologetic gaze.

" She took two bullets for you and you hit her?" Sean asked in total disbelief.

Sean took a step foward threateningly but he was stopped by Alex. Alex sensing the tense from Sean's part, she had moved foward and blocked his way towards Michael and Nikita.

" Sean. Relax. Now." Alex ordered firmly and stared at him. She could feel her anger rising inside her. She was turning into Phoenix and she knew it. Sean's tense had caused her to tense up, too and when she felt threatened, it was difficult to resist to her evil, especially with the side effects of the virus.

" They beat you up and I am supposed to relax?" Sean asked in disbelief. He knew that Alex loved them and she would do anything to protect them but he couldn't control his anger.

" Sean, I need you to relax. Please. You are tensed up and I am getting tensed up, too." Alex pleaded calmly and closed her eyes feeling the evil rising inside her.

" Sean back off" Birkoff yelled understanding what Alex was going through and why she wanted badly the calmness to return in her home.

Sean glared at Birkoff and then at Alex. Nikita and Michael couldn't understand what was going on.

" Alex, open your eyes, please." Sean requested softly not wanting to press Alex.

" Sean, I really need you to relax." Alex whispered and she closed her fists trying to control herself.

" I will relax. I promise you." Sean said honestly and took two steps back giving Alex some space and walking away from Nikita so that Alex could stop feeling threatened.

" Look at me. I backed off. I am not going to do anything stupid. Please, Alex" Sean begged Alex to look at him.

" Birkoff, do something" Sean pleaded seeing that Alex hasn't returned to her usual self yet.

" What is going on?" Nikita asked confused.

" Princess, you have to snap out of it." Birkoff said softly and hesitantly walked towards Alex.

" Don't" Alex warned him keeping her eyes closed.

" Alex, you are stronger than that. You are stronger than your evil and you are stronger than the virus' side effects. You can fight it, Alex. I know that you can fight it. Don't give up. You are stronger, Alex" Birkoff encouraged her to keep trying to take control over herself.

Alex shook her head and turned around to face Birkoff. Her gaze was a mix of Alex and Phoenix.

" Am I?" Alex requested calmly and before he could reply she walked away into her bathroom and locked the door behind her.

" What the hell happened?" Nikita asked in a state of shock.

Sean and Birkoff glared at each other.

" I don't think that we are the best persons to explain that to you" Birkoff replied sadly.

" Can you please make an effort?" Michael requested harsher than he wanted.

" At the begining, she would have handled herself amazingly. She wouldn't fight to keep Phoenix under control. It was natural to her to not let it out, even after Amanda's torture, she didn't let Phoenix to take control and defend her. We would fight but she would remain calm. She was in complete control of her emotions." Birkoff started.

" That changed after Katya and the virus. After Katya, she was more overprotective than usual. If she felt threatened for any reason, she would have to struggle to keep Phoenix under control. It doesn't matter if she knows who she is facing, she would have to fight to keep it under control. If she feels that I am a threat to you, she will protect you with any cost, even if that means hurting me or herself in the process. If she feels that you are a threat to me, she would do the same. She can sense the tense and if she feels that one of her loved ones is in danger, she can't control Phoenix, anymore." Sean continued trying to help Birkoff explain the situation.

" The virus doesn't help her at all. One of its side effects is that it minimizes people's resistance and makes them more vulnerable to their feelings. I don't even want to imagine how her feelings are after being tortured almost by everyone around her and most importantly by her own mother. I don't think that it is weird that she is losing control. Actually, I think that she handles herself pretty good. She hasn't relapsed, she hasn't run away, she hasn't tried to kill herself, she has just built up her defences and Phoenix is one of them. She is holding herself together pretty good, but she is human and she is on the edge for too long. Sometime she would have to break." Birkoff added.

" Has she hurt you?" Nikita asked with shaking voice and walked towards Sean.

" No. She controls it. But it hurts her that she has to struggle to do so. She doesn't know for how long she will be able to fight it and she is scared that she will hurt us" Sean replied honestly.

Nikita was about to say something when they heard glasses breaking from the bathroom that Alex was in. Nikita ran towards the door and knocked it.

" Alex? Are you okay?" Nikita shouted worried.

Alex opened the door and stepped out. Blood was running down from her palm which was covered in bandage trying to stop the bleeding and glasses were on the floor.

" I am fine but I will need a new mirror." Alex replied quietly and walked away from Nikita avoiding to look in her eyes.

" What happened to the mirror?" Nikita asked scared of the answer.

" I needed a punch bag." Alex replied casually and kept walking. Nikita decided that it wasn't the best place and time to make that conversation with Alex and dropped temporarily the subject.

Alex stopped in front of Sean and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

" Sorry" Alex whispered.

Then she walked towards the kitchen. She took out some glasses and started serving the others. She put whisky for Sean, vodka for Birkoff, wine for Michael and Nikita.

" What about you?" Nikita asked when Alex handed her her glass.

" For me, I have the best..." Alex said and smiled to Nikita, who looked at her with a confused gaze. Alex didn't say anything else, she walked towards the fridge and opened it.

" Milk" Alex exclaimed and showed a bottle of milk to Nikita.

Everyone in the room started laughing loudly amused with Alex's innocence.

" Hey, don't laugh with my drink.." Alex said sarcastically and served herself.

Nikita laughed and went to hug Alex. Alex saw her coming and looked at her with teary eyes.

" Please, don't come." Alex begged Nikita.

She wasn't sure that she could control herself if Nikita was near to her now. She didn't want to break down in front of her. She knew Nikita too well to know that she would feel guilty if Alex broke down. Nikita glared at Alex and nodded. She didn't want to press her protegee today.

" How was Amanda?" Nikita asked and sat on the couch giving Alex her space.

Alex was about to say something when her cell phone rang. She went to pick it up and froze.

" Amanda" Alex sighed defeated and everyone's eyes grew wide.

Alex slowly accepted the call.

" What can I do for you, Amanda?" Alex asked coldly.

" How are you, Alex?" Amanda asked politely ignoring Alex's cold tone.

" I am fine." Alex said calmly.

" Your best friend almost executed you today. You don't have to lie to me. My speciality is to sense people's true feelings, even the ones that want to hide for any reason." Amanda replied softly.

" Ooh that is your speciality? I thought that your speciality is to cause pain. You are better on that than reading people's emotions." Alex said harsh.

" Why do you always have to be so defensive towards me?" Amanda asked annoyed.

" I think that you know the answer to that." Alex said calmly.

" It wasn't only my fault." Amanda replied softly. She knew that she had tortured Alex million of times and she could understand why Alex was so defensive but Amanda wanted to make peace and the war that they were fighting wasn't only her fault. Alex had betrayed her too.

" I never said that it was only your fault." Alex said calmly.

" Anyway, just to answer your first question, I am as well as I can considering the situation." Alex replied like an anigma.

" We really need to work out our relationship issue. We don't have to be friends, if you aren't ready to let someone in after Nikita, but at least we can work in peace." Amanda exclaimed.

" A friendship is too far away, Amanda, and not because Nikita. We can't just wake up in a morning and forget about what we have caused to each other." Alex replied seriously.

" I agree, it will be a long process. Let's get started. Tea tomorrow?" Amanda said firmly.

" Is it going to be drugged?" Alex retorted sarcastically.

" Alex!" Amanda shouted annoyed.

" And I am not going to wake up in a straight jacket with you and your candles trying to force me to talk about my emotions, right?" Alex continued amused.

" Alex, I want peace not to make you angrier!" Amanda retorted and laughed thinking of the day that Alex was talking about.

It was one of the days that she will never forget, it was one of the days that she started caring about Alex. The first one was when Alex tried to escape her, she saw how brave Alex was and she admired her courage. The second was that day, hearing Alex saying that she didn't want to get rid off of her pain because she liked her pain was outstanding and the young girl won a place in her heart, not only because she reminded her of Nikita but also because she was strong. Her care and love only grew bigger every single time that Alex had defeated her torture and mind games. And, then, one day, Alex revealed her the truth, her world crushed down on her. She had been betrayed from Alex, just like from Nikita. But then again, she couldn't bring herself to hate Alex. She would have tortured her mercilessly trying to cause her pain, just like Alex did to her, but she couldn't kill her. And then with slow and unsure steps, she started caring again and accepted Alex's betrayals. Today, seeing Nikita shooting inches above Alex's head was heartbreaking to see. Not because she wasn't happy that their relationship was so damaged but because she knew that Alex's emotional pain will be unbearable and she didn't want the young girl to feel once more time the betrayal of the person that you love and care about.

" For once in my life, I will trust you that you aren't going to try anything stupid. Don't let me down." Alex replied firmly.

" I won't. See you tomorrow afternoon?" Amanda asked relieved.

" Yeah. Goodnight, Amanda." Alex said.

" Goodnight, Alex." Amanda replied and hang off the phone.

Alex stared at it and shook her head. _Where did I get myself into?_ she thought.

She took a deep breathe and turned to Nikita.

" Amanda is creepy worried and soft" Alex replied to Nikita's question that she didn't have the time to answer before.

" Excuse me?" Michael asked confused.

" Worried and soft?" Nikita gasped unable to picture Amanda like that.

" Don't tell me that..." Birkoff let his sentence to trail.

" She had used the word friendship?" Sean completed Birkoff's sentence.

" Yeah, all of that. And it is super creepy." Alex replied and everyone stayed silent trying to think of Amanda as a caring and lovely person.

Nikita shook her head in denial.

" No. I can't picturize her like that. Are you sure that it isn't a trap, a manipulation?" Nikita asked worried in complete shock.

" Yes. Amanda was right today. She had never worn masks towards me. She had never pretended to be my friend and then back stabbed me." Alex replied.

" In addition to me?" Nikita asked sadly.

" Nikita!" Alex exclaimed annoyed.

" I am just saying the facts." Nikita retorted calmly.

" So, you want to say that you are pretending to be my enemy? Do I have to be worried that you might kill me when I turn my back to you?" Alex asked harsh trying to reason Nikita. She knew that Nikita wasn't able to let go of their past and how that damaged their relationship. They both needed time to make the things better like it used to be but she wasn't going to let Nikita beat herself up everytime that something reminds them of their past.

" No. I never pretended!" Nikita shouted and stood up.

" I know. Now can you please stop beating yourself up for the past. I didn't want to compare Amanda with you and I didn't. Don't do it either." Alex said seriously.

" Anyway, I think that she is really getting attached and that she really wants to give to our relationship a shot. The problem is that once again I am pretending around her and she is not going to forgive one more betrayal from my part." Alex returned the conversation to its major point.

" Then don't pretend" Birkoff said calmly.

" And what exactly am I supposed to do?" Alex asked confused.

" With Amanda you should act however you feel. If you can find something good inside that bitch and you can resurface it, do it. If you don't want to try to establish some kind of relationship with her, then don't. But whatever you choose, make it clear to her that you aren't loyal to Division." Sean replied instead of him.

" You can't be serious" Alex said in total disbelief.

" I am. She won't get mad if you betray Division as long as you have made it crystal clear that you aren't loyal to Division and that you don't associate her with Division. You can betray Division without betraying Amanda and everyone is happy." Sean replied seriously.

" Sean, we are talking about Amanda! If I take Division down after getting close to Amanda. I would have betrayed Oversight, Amanda and Nikita, all in one day and I have already enough enemies to deal with!" Alex said devastated thinking about how complicated her life was at this point.

" Why me?" Nikita asked confused.

Alex turned and stared at her with a look of disbelief.

" Don't tell me that you will be fine if I start hanging out with Amanda and being a friend to her?" Alex asked sarcastically.

Nikita remained silent thinking of what Alex had asked her.

" I will survive. If this is what you want, I will accept it." Nikita whispered defeated after awhile surprising even her own self. She couldn't lose Alex again and she would do anything to keep her by her side even if that meant surpressing her feelings for Amanda.

" As I said before, I will betray Amanda, Nikita and Oversight." Alex repeated understanding from Nikita's response that Nikita won't be okay with that even if she wouldn't have said anything.

" If I don't give even a shot to that, Amanda will get suspicious because it is weird to turn down an offer to make truce with someone who torture the hell ou of you almost everyday and if I know Amanda well enough, then I will spend a lot of days drugged with her messing up with my fucking brain." Alex added.

" In either situation, I lose- now or later- so I will let you choose how you want me to proceed. For now, I need to take the cure." Alex said and walked out of the living room back to her bedroom.

" You or me?" Sean asked Nikita.

" I don't know" Nikita replied honestly. She didn't know how to handle the new situation.

" Nikita" Birkoff and Michael interrupted in union thinking that Alex needed to deal with her feelings before it gets out of control.

Nikita sighed defeated and took the glass with the milk that Alex had left and her glass of wine with her and followed Alex in her bedroom. They needed to have a serious conversation.

" And now, Sean, let me make something clear. If you break Alex's heart, I will break each and every bone of yours with my bare hands" Michael warned Sean, her paternal insticts kicking.

" For someone who hit Alex, you can say quite big words" Sean retorted angrily. Now that Alex wasn't there, he could take out his frustation.

Michael was caught out off guards.

" I didn't mean to hurt her. I didn't know how to react. I am sorry." Michael said with gritted teeth.

" Anyway, I love Alex and I don't plan to hurt her like you and Nikita did- physically and emotionally" Sean shot back.

" You aren't going to forgive us, are you?" Michael asked sadly.

" It isn't my choice. It is Alex's." Sean replied calmly.

" Anyway, I am going to be next to Alex for as long as she let me to be there for her. Hopefully for an eternity and more but this is her choice, too" Sean added firmly.

" Do you love her?" Michael asked curiously.

" More than my life. More than she can imagine. More than I could imagine" Sean replied smiling.

* * *

Meanwhile...

Nikita entered Alex's bedroom. She looked around and she found Alex in front of a mirror. She had just injected herself with the cure and she had closed her eyes in pain. She opened her eyes, stared one last time at her mark and sighed defeated lowering her tank.

" I am fine." Alex said not turning to face Nikita and Nikita smiled softly hearing Alex's voice. She was surprised that she was caught again, she had entered the room really silently but Alex was a great spy and she couldn't be fooled easily.


	35. fears, regrets and love

Nikita entered Alex's bedroom. She looked around and she found Alex in front of a mirror. She had just injected herself with the cure and she had closed her eyes in pain. She opened her eyes, stared one last time at her mark and sighed defeated lowering her tank.

" I am fine." Alex said not turning to face Nikita and Nikita smiled softly hearing Alex's voice. She was surprised that she was caught again, she had entered the room really silently but Alex was a great spy and she couldn't be fooled easily.

" I brought your milk." Nikita replied softly trying to make Alex comfortable to start a really serious conversation.

" Thanks but you didn't have to. I would have come back in a couple of minutes." Alex said calmly and slowly made her way towards Nikita and took the glass with the milk from her hands smiling softly.

" It is my idea or you didn't come in here just to hand me my milk?" Alex asked calmly and kept smiling at Nikita, trying to hide her pain under her smile.

Nikita blinked her eyes and smiled back.

" How do you always know what it is left untold?" Nikita asked amused.

" I just know you." Alex replied seriousy.

Nikita stared for a while at the girl before her. She couldn't but admire how Alex could control her feelings, hide them carefully under her mask. Her face was calm, her features soft, her gaze unreadable. Nikita knew that she could read Alex's gaze only if Alex wanted to let her in, but she could see that for now Alex didn't want to let down her guards. It was amazing and scaring at the same time the amount of control that Alex had on her emotions.

" I want to talk to you. If you don't mind, of course." Nikita said seriously.

Alex nodded and gestured to Nikita to take a seat on her bed and she went and brought a comfortable chair from the corner of her room and sat down on it.

" What do you want to talk about?" Alex questioned seriously.

" Are you ok? And when I say okay, I mean both physically and emotionally ok." Nikita replied firmly and stared at Alex studying her figure.

" I am fine." Alex replied simply not giving anymore details to Nikita.

" Alex, you almost lost control with Sean." Nikita retorted pressing Alex to speak about her feelings.

" I ALMOST lost control, but I didn't lose control." Alex replied seriously.

" You know Sean, you love him, he loves you, he wouldn't do anything to hurt you or us. He is not a threat..." Nikita started.

" I don't doubt his feelings or my feelings but I don't trust anyone not to be a threat. Everyone is a potentional threat." Alex cut her off seriously.

Nikita was caught out off guard. She didn't expect that kind of answer from her protegee.

" Am I a potentional threat, too?" Nikita asked quietly trying to understand how Alex was affected from everything that had happened to her the last year.

Alex stared at Nikita not knowing how to reply. She chose that the best option was to be honest with Nikita.

" Yes." Alex replied sadly not turning her gaze away from Nikita.

Nikita's jaw dropped in shock and her eyes filled with unshed sadness.

" You know that I love you more than everything, right? You know that I would give my life for you, right?" Nikita asked in shock.

" Yes, I know. And I love you, too. But my mother proved to me that feelings could be put aside in order to reach your endgame. I know that you guys love me and care about me but I can't handle it, I can't feel safe easily and when someone is threatening my loved one then it is extremely difficult to control my dark side and keep it subpressed." Alex replied seriously.

" I didn't react like that because I felt threatened for my own safety, I reacted because your safety was on stake. I am sorry but I can't control it, not anymore, not after everything. I just don't feel that any feelings matter anymore." Alex explained sadly further.

Nikita could see now that Alex was broken, more broken than she could imagine. Katya had managed to break Alex's trust on love. She kept loving and caring about the others but she couldn't feel safe anymore around anyone.

" What Katya really did to you?" Nikita asked before she could stop herself.

Alex automatically backed off and brought her legs up on the chair hugging them tightly when she heard Katya's name.

" Hey. Relax. She can't hurt you anymore. I won't hurt you. You are safe with me, Alex. You are safe." Nikita tried to comfort Alex. She moved closer and tried to hold Alex's hand but Alex was scared of human contact right now. Her mind was still travelling to what Katya did to her.

" I don't want to talk about it. You saw the video. You know enough. I don't want you to hear or learn anything else." Alex said seriously trying to control her tears.

" Alex, I can't help you if I don't know what really happened." Nikita tried to reason Alex.

" No, Nikita. Please." Alex begged afraid.

" Why?" Nikita asked softly.

" I don't want to hurt you." Alex whispered back with shaking voice.

" Alex, when you deny to share your pain that it was caused to you because of me, you hurt me more." Nikita stated firmly.

" It wasn't because of you, Nikita. Please don't blame yourself. Please." Alex retorted seriously.

" If you don't blame me for what happened to you, then you will tell me what she caused to you. Please, Alex. I need to know in order to help you." Nikita insisted.

Alex sighed defeated. She couldn't let Nikita think that she blamed her for what Katya did to her. She couldn't live knowing that she had added a weight of guilt on Nikita's shoulders.

" I will show you what she did to my body." Alex said and stood up and walked towards her nighttable, she opened a drawer, she took a file in her hands, she sighed and handed it to Nikita.

" The medical report" Alex explained softly and sat back down on her chair.

Nikita looked at her surprised.

" Amanda gave it to me." Alex replied to Nikita's gaze.

" Why?" Nikita asked confused.

" Truth takes time. She wanted me to deal with the truth in my own timetable, she didn't want to press me to talk about what happened, so she handed me the file and told me that if I needed to talk, she would always be there." Alex replied calmly.

" She keeps surprising me" Nikita commented referring to Amanda's behavior towards Alex.

" You wanted to know what she did to me, open the file and you will have your answers. You can always back off and don't open the file. It is your choice. " Alex said seriously.

Nikita sighed and took a deep breathe. She opened the file and took in her hands the medical report.

_Ms Udinov's injuries are extensive and severe. Begining with what we found upon initial examination. Ms Alexandra has many external and internal injuries. From what we've deduced, most of these injuries could only have been inflicted by repeated beatings and what would be best described as common torture methods. Her external injuries vary from small and minor to deep and major lacerations, which cover a great deal of body parts. Most significantly, it seems the areas her captors focused on were the back, her abdominal areas such as her internals-female organs. This is where most of the damage was done. She has small first and second-degree burns which were probably inflicted by objects heated at a high capacity and then applied to her body. Her heart was weakened from electroshockings. She has other lacerations on her face and head, and there is evidence of a concussion as well. She has many broken ribs, which I could determine from the bruising and discoloration around the rib area. It's obvious from these injuries that at least one but possibly both of her lungs might have been punctured or have collapsed evidenced by extremely labored breathing coupled with dangerously low blood pressure. Her right hand was broken in three different spots and she also has several dislocated fingers. She was fairly stable and the less severe wounds will be taken care of after the surgery to repair her ribs and lungs. We will have to tie her ribs and break her hand again because it has started healing in a wrong way. She was marked with the letter 'N' and the burn is at least one centimeter deep. Also, her eyes were needled and that might cause vision problems._

_She had extensive injuries in her internal organs and we had to perform 12 switches for the tearing apart. Obvious signs of rape with objects with sharp ends._

_We aren't sure of how fast the healing process will go because she was submitted to starvation that weakened her system and she has a lot of internal bleedings that will probably slower the progress._

_Her blood exams showed trace of a variety of known and unknown substances. We were able to identify the drugs Cetamene, heroine, ecstacy which cause great hallucinations, a neurotoxin that it is released from a certain kind of spider and cause unbearable pain to humans. We also find several types of drugs that assist in mind control and a drug that as a side effect can sterilize a woman._

_There is one more substance that we were unable to identify. From the test that we ran, we can tell that it is a lethal virus that it has two parts; the deadly one and one that causes unimaginable pain. We monitored how the virus work and we managed to fracture a cure for the deadly part. Unfortunately we are still unable to minimize the pain that it causes and ms Udinov refused to take any known painkiller._

_Her condition is stable but she needs survellance. She is clear to return home and have some rest. Physically, she will recover fully the time passing._

_Personal Comment; I am a professional and I usually don't write personal comments but I can't control myself. I have been working here since the day one and I have never treated a person so wounded as Alexandra. The torture that she faced is beyond imagination. I have seen soldiers being tortured, operatives being wounded but none of that goes close to what Alexandra dealt with for 8 days. For me, it is a miracle that she is still alive. I don't know what monster did all of that to her or why but I really hope that he or she rusts in hell. _

As soon as she finished reading Nikita had tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe what she had read, she couldn't understand how a mother could hurt her own daughter like that, how a human could hurt like that another human being. Katya was merciless. Death would be a better option. Alex was tortured in the worst possible ways by her own mother.

Nikita let down the papers of the medical report and with shaking hands, she grabbed a photo that it was in the file. Instantly, she felt nauseau and the need to take away her gaze but she couldn't. She was in shock, unable to move her eyes from what she was seeing. It was a photo of Alex, she was hanging from the ceiling, her foot above the floor, her head resting on her chest, her face and her body was covered with blood and sweat, under Alex's foot there was a small lake of her own blood. Nikita stared at the photo in complete shock, she couldn't control her tears anymore and she gave in letting them run freely.

Alex couldn't stand seeing Nikita in a state of shock like that. Slowly, she moved and took the photo from Nikita's hands, who didn't resist. She put it in the file and closed it placing it back in the drawer. She moved back towards Nikita and sat down next to her on her bed. She didn't say anything, she just hugged Nikita.

" If you want to vomit, go" Alex whispered in Nikita's ears seriously.

Nikita stayed in silence for a while.

" Are you sure that this woman was your mother?" Nikita said before she could stop the words that escaped her mouth. She didn't want to be harsh with Alex or remind her of Katya but she couldn't control herself, she was mad, she was sick, she wanted revenge.

Alex let a small laugh escape her mouth.

" Yes, I am." Alex sighed.

" Did she do anything else than physical torture?" Nikita asked and looked at Alex horrified.

" Of course. Mental and emotional torture." Alex replied calmly.

" Was she... was she so merciless to that too?" Nikita managed to ask.

" No.." Alex started and Nikita started to relax.

" She show me even less mercy than she did while she tortured me physically." Alex added sadly and Nikita sank back in sadness.

" Do you want to talk about that? I am not going to press you further but if you want to talk, I am here." Nikita said and stared at Alex.

" Nikita, I don't know what to say. I loved my mother, I still do but my MAMA died when I was 13. Katya was my biological mother but she wasn't my mama. The woman who raised me, would cry with me when I had scratched my knee, would look under my bed when I was afraid of the monsters, would tell me that the most important thing in life is love and i must never give up in love, would sleep with me when I had a nightmare. This was my mama. Katya is my mother but not my mama. I don't know how she could hurt anyone like that without remorse and I don't want to know. It is just too complicated." Alex replied defeated.

" Did she manage to break you emotionally? Did you wish to die?" Nikita asked.

" I didn't want to die, not because I didn't want to end the pain but because I was scared that I wouldn't be able to protect you. I stayed alive because I was scared for you. And she partly broke me emotionally. After our time together, I can still believe in love and trust but I am scared. I am scared because I don't want to turn into my mother and because I can't handle anyone else turning into my mother. So, I guess that she did break me up to a point." Alex replied seriously.

" Alex, you aren't your mother and we aren't going to betray you like that.." Nikita started.

" I shot you, Nikita. I put aside all my feelings and I shot you." Alex cut her off devastated.

" In order to protect me, Alex. You shot me to protect me, not to cause me pain or torture me or take reenge but to protect me. You aren't your mother just because you protected me even if you had to hurt me to do so!" Nikita exclaimed.

" Please, Alex. Don't think of yourself like that. You would have never done those things to me. Even if you had given in your hate, I am absolutely sure that you would have showed me mercy and killed me than hurt me like that. You are not your mother, Alex, you are much much much much better than she was, than I am." Nikita added trying to reason Alex.

" I am sorry for shooting you." Alex whispered and Nikita nodded and a small smile formed in her wet from the tears face.

" And we are not Katya. We love you, Alex and no matter what you do, we will never hurt you like that. We might kick your ass sometimes but we will never torture you like that. I know that we have hurt you already a lot of times and it is difficult to believe me but Alex, we love you and we care about you and we will prefer to die than hurt you ever again." Nikita said seriously.

Alex remained silent for a minute staring at Nikita.

" I know that you love me and I know inside me that you guys aren't going to be a second Katya but I need time to heal myself. I trust you with my life and I love you but I can't make any promises right now. I will try and we will have to wait and see the outcome. Please understand" Alex pleaded.

" I do, understand, Alex. But I will be there for you no matter what, I am here for you. Just don't push me away." Nikita said firmly.

" I will do my best." Alex said and kissed Nikita's cheek.

" Thanks" Alex whispered.

" Do you think that we can join the boys now?" Alex asked before Nikita could reply to her thank.

" Sure" Nikita replied and smiled to Alex.

The two girls stood up and walked back into the living room. They found the boys by the kitchen talking quietly.

" Have you decided what do you want me to do with Amanda or you need more time?" Alex asked.

" We have made up our minds" Sean replied and stared at Alex.

Alex sensed Nikita tensing up next to her and she waited patiently for Sean's response.

" We want you to..." Michael started.


	36. only your choice

" Have you decided what do you want me to do with Amanda or you need more time?" Alex asked.

" We have made up our minds" Sean replied and stared at Alex.

Alex sensed Nikita tensing up next to her and she waited patiently for Sean's response.

" We want you to..." Michael started.

* * *

" Guys, we might need to talk to Nikita about this first." Birkoff cut him off.

" I think that she would be fine." Michael replied.

" I will be fine whatever you choose." Nikita agreed firmly with Michael.

" Ok, then. Alex, we want you to follow your heart. We can't force you to care or not care about Amanda. It is a choice that you should make alone listening to your heart and only to your heart. We will be there no matter your choice, we will stand by your side and we will support you. We want you to do whatever you want and whatever you think that it is right." Birkoff said seriously.

Alex glared at all of them and nodded remaining silent.

Sean took a deep breathe and stepped foward.

" But Alex, no matter what you choose to do, you must admit that Amanda has changed. Do you remember the first months after you joined Division? Do you remember her talks, her games, her goals, her behavior?" Sean said calmly.

Alex walked away from him and the others and turned her back to them.

" Yes. I remember." Alex whispered sadly, her mind flashing at the endless hours of psychological torture that Amanda had put her through just to take her revenge on her.

" Emotionless, merciless, cruel, without remorse, without limits. She was just a bitch who would do and indeed did everything to hurt you, to make you suffer. She was trying so hard to make you relapse, to cause you unbearable pain, to make you regret your past choices. She was sheeking for revenge and she used every single opportunity that she had to destory you." Sean explained softly.

" I remember, Sean. I don't need a reminder. I remember what she wanted and what she did to gain it. Please, just get to the point." Alex cut him off. She didn't need a reminder of her relationship with Amanda and most importantly, she didn't want Nikita to hear about what Amanda had caused her.

" Then you have noticed the difference, too. You know that she has changed. After your disapperance when Katya captured you, she doesn't look at you with hate, she isn't cold towards you, she doesn't torture you, her talks aren't full of evil. In addition, she is good to you, she respects you, she cares about you. Damn, she sent me here tonight because she was scared that Nikita's behavior might be too much for you to handle after Katya." Sean replied seriously.

" Oh oh oh. What do you mean that she sent you here?" Nikita cut him off stunned.

" I just came back from a mission and usually I would have to report to Amanda or Alex. I went to review the mission to her but she cut me off. She ordered me to have a check on Alex. She said that even if our relationship isn't the best- we are good actors, Nikita- is better than hers." Sean explained softly.

" She didn't want to press you and she wanted to give you some space after Nikita almost executed you but she didn't want to let you alone. So she told me to come to you and stay with you and that we will talk about the mission tomorrow. She seems to care, Alex, you might want to give her a second chance." Sean finished her thought.

" Are you sure that you talked to Amanda?" Nikita asked in shock. She would have never believed that Amanda was capable to show love and care for anyone else beside herself.

" Yes, I am." Sean replied with a tone of disapproval.

" Does anyone care to explain me what she was talking about and what execution?" Sean asked a little confused thinking about Amanda's request. He hadn't thought of it before, too happy to be near to Alex again without hiding but with Amanda's blessings. It was good for once not to look over their shoulders.

" Just an act to keep Amanda in that good mood." Alex replied softly her back still turned to the others.

" I still don't understand." Sean retorted even more confused.

Alex turned around and looked at Sean with a gaze full of meanings.

" Ok, ok, ok. I will drop the subject but you will tell me what happened later." Sean said defeated studying Alex's look.

" Deal." Alex agreed glad that Sean had gotten the message so easily.

" Anyway, back to the main subject; Amanda. She has changed and you know it, she is human around you. I don't know why or how but you can resurface her alter ego. Don't you think that it deserves a try?" Sean questioned softly.

" A second chance to do what? To get attached and then feel betrayed again? I don't know, Sean, I don't know. I am afraid that I will execute her last trace of humanity in a few months." Alex replied honestly. She knew that she would betray Amanda sometime in the future and the outcome won't be a good one, Amanda would once again sheek for revenge.

" It is your choice, Alex. Only your choice. She would come after you when everything is over, so it is your choice what you are going to do now." Birkoff interrupted firmly.

" I know." Alex agreed defeated with Birkoff's statement.

" I need some time to think alone. I am sorry. Get yourselves comfortable, I will be back in awhile." Alex added and walked into her bedroom locking the door behind her.

" Is she going to keep shuting us out?" Michael asked sadly.

" Yes." Birkoff and Sean replied in union having spend more time with Alex the last months than Nikita and Michael. They knew that what Katya did to her, had rocked her world.

" Sean, can I speak with you?" Nikita asked seriously.

Sean stared at her and then nodded. He gestured to Nikita to follow him and they headed to the guest room so that they could have some privacy. They both sat down on the spare bed.

" How is she doing?" Nikita asked worried. No matter what have happened in the past few months between her and Alex, she would always love deeply and care about her young protegee.

" She is trying." Sean replied seriously.

" Give me something more, Sean. Please." Nikita pleaded.

" She is struggling with herself. She is beating herself up for shooting you, she will never forgive herself no matter what for that. She hates herself for what she has done as Phoenix, she is afraid that she would lose control and she would hurt us. And she is lost and broken. What Katya did to her had a great impact to her. I think that it is too much to a person to handle all of that in a such short timetable. I wait for her break down but she doesn't break, she is on the edge but she tries to survive." Sean said sadly with all his concern obvious in his voice.

" How did Katya get to her?" Nikita asked. She had a lot of gaps to fill regarding this topic.

" You should better ask Alex." Sean replied honestly.

" Sean, please. I can't help her if I don't know what happened." Nikita pleaded devastated.

Sean sighed hurt and looked deep in Nikita's eyes.

" She gave herself up for you." Sean whispered sadly.

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked confused.

" We were on a mission in Berlin, three weeks after Alex shot you. We were watching you from a distance and you were winning when one man kicked your wounded leg and you fell on the ground. You kept fighting though and then Alex saw Katya approaching. Katya had learnt that the famous Nikita was there and she had ordered her men to capture you. Alex knew that you needed time to get out of there and she jumped in front of Katya, she knew that it was suicide but she kept fighting until you were far away. She kept them away from you but she was outnumbered. She was 1 and they were 20. When she saw you disappearing behind the door, she passed out from the beating." Sean explained softly.

" The noise that I heard behind me..." Nikita let her sentence to trail too shock to say anything else. Alex had given up herself to save her from Katya and she hadn't even bothered to turn around and see where all that noise came from.

" Nikita, it isn't your fault." Sean said firmly and squeezed Nikita's hand.

" Not my fault? Of course and it is my fault. If I had turned around.." Nikita shouted devastated.

" You would have made the things worse for Alex. She knew what she was doing Nikita, she knew that she would lose the battle, she knew that she would get captured or killed, but she chose to protect you and when she saw you leaving, she was happy because you were safe and that is all what she wanted." Sean cut her off seriously.

" And she wouldn't have changed that even if the outcome was better. She doesn't regret her choice, Nikita. She would do it again and again if that is what it takes to keep you safe." Sean added honestly.

" Why you didn't stop her?" Nikita asked quietly.

" She didn't give me the chance. She came to your rescue before I could react and she told me through her comm to stay back and watch her back with Amanda. She gave me a cover story and she ordered me to leave. I was of no use there. I needed to save her from her mother. It just took us much longer than we had predicted." Sean replied softly and his guilt was obvious in his voice. He didn't want to leave Alex alone back then but he knew that Alex would need rescue and he had fought with his want to go and help her giving his life for her and his logic that if he was dead then Alex would die for sure. He stayed away only because he knew that he needed to save Alex and he was the only one who could so.

" Why did it take you so long? Why 8 days?" Nikita asked harsh. She needed answers but she never expected that the answers would be so painful.

" I don't know. We did everything that we could. Amanda used all her contacts but nothing. Not a single lead. The second day, Amanda decided to contact you and ask for your help but she couldn't reach you, but she did find Birkoff. It wasn't you but it was something. We spent nights and days searching for anything and then Birkoff found a lead and called Amanda and told her that he had visual with Katya's operatives. Amanda and I travelled to Romania and we captured one of Katya's men. Amanda interrogated him and soon he gave us Katya's location. We gathered a team and we rescued Alex." Sean debriefed Nikita.

" In what condition did you find her?" Nikita asked with grave voice.

" Did you see her medical report?" Sean returned the question.

Nikita nodded slowly.

" The photo was taking from the leader of the rescue team." Sean replied calmly and Nikita closed her eyes in pain when the picture of Alex's beaten figured passed through her mind.

" Katya escaped. She was coming to continue her interrogation when she saw our men storming around and she ran away." Sean added sadly.

" How Amanda reacted?" Nikita asked curiously.

" Have you seen Amanda scared? I have. She was scared, Nikita. When the doctors were taking care of Alex's wounds, she was pacing up and down, her face pale like a ghost, her mind travelling to somewhere else. When they told her that Alex would survive, she almost collapsed. She tried to compose herself but her worry was obvious. When Alex woke up, she wanted to see her and she was shaking from her anxiety. As soon as she came out of Alex's room, she ordered a kill mission against Katya and she left. She would call every hour to have a check on Alex's well-being. Something changed inside her the day that Alex was captured." Sean exclaimed seriously.

" The fear of loss." Nikita commented firmly.

" Amanda loved Alex when she met her, she was everything that she admired in a woman. Alex was strong, brave, caring, lovely, fearless, complicated. Then, she learnt the truth and she tried to bring herself to hate Alex. She tortured her again and again to cause her pain but she couldn't kill her because deep down, she cared and then Katya came and took Alex away from her. Someone else came and messed up with Alex, with the person that she loved and cared. Katya show to Alex less mercy than her worst enemy and she almost killed her and that rocked Amanda's world. She could spend her time with Alex trying to hurt her or trying to move foward. For once, she decided to move foward and forget the past." Nikita explained.

" And this is why Alex doesn't know how to react to Amanda right now. She is scared that if she let her in, then she will destroy any hint of humanity that Amanda might have and if she doesn't let her in, then Amanda would be hurt and she would hide that side of her once more. She thinks that she will hurt Amanda anyway and she just doesn't know which way is the worst." Sean completed Nikita's thoughts.

Nikita was about to say something when she heard a soft knock on the door.

" Come in" Sean replied and Alex slowly opened the door and stepped in.

" They told me that you were here." Alex said and looked at Sean.

" I am sorry for interrupting." Alex added softly.

" What is wrong?" Sean asked curiously.

" Amanda texted you on the phone. You might want to reply." Alex replied.

" What does she say?" Sean asked.

" I don't know. I didn't open the text." Alex said and handed the cell phone to Sean.

Sean looked at her confused and took the phone.

" You know that I am ok with you reading my messages, right?" Sean asked seriously.

" Yes." Alex replied immediately.

Sean nodded and read the SMS.

" She is asking about you." Sean said and smiled to Alex.

" She seems to care." Nikita commented and looked at Alex, who gave her a look of disapproval.

" Just saying" Nikita defended herself.

" What do you want me to answer her?" Sean asked calmly.

" Whatever you want." Alex replied coldly.

" I will leave you again alone to continue." Alex said and turned to leave the room.

" Alex?" Nikita asked hesitantly confused from Alex's sudden change of mood.

" Yeah?" Alex asked and turned around to face Nikita, her hand still on the door.

" What is wrong?" Nikita asked worried.

" Nothing." Alex said simply.

" You know that we are just talking right?" Sean asked hesitantly.

Alex's eyes grew wide with Sean's question and Nikita turned around and gave him a " what the hell" look.

" I am not jealous, Sean." Alex said harsh offended.

" Eh.. I am sorry... you are just acting a little weird and I thought that you might... forget that I even asked" Sean said trying to find the right words.

" Don't try to fix it, you are making it worse" Nikita instructed.

" Don't worry. I am not jealous. I am sorry that I am acting a little weird." Alex replied to both of them.

" Alex, talk to us." Nikita pleaded worried.

" It is nothing that you can help with." Alex replied seriously.

" The brothels." Sean sighed defeated and Alex nodded.

" What happened?" Nikita asked worried.

" A client beat up one of the girls and she is in a bad shape. This world will never change. People can't just change." Alex said defeated.

" Hey, don't say that. If you don't think that people can change then your battle is meaningless." Sean retorted.

" It never ends, Sean. I thought that after the last time that Mario- the client- had beaten up a girl badly almost killing her, he would have changed, but no. He changed for some years and then he returned to his old habits sending one more girl to the hospital." Alex shouted angrily.

" He had hurt someone before? Why the Phoenix hadn't taken care of him?" Sean asked confused with Alex's anger and defiance.

" There wasn't phoenix, then." Alex replied defeated.

" And then how do you know about Mario's past?" Nikita asked confused.

" I know the man who put me in a coma for two weeks, Nikita" Alex said and looked at Nikita.

Nikita's mouth opened in shock.

" Mario is your Mario? The bastard who beat you up because you refused to make him enjoy and almost killed you?" Sean gasped.

Alex nodded sadly.

" People can't just change. He took anger control lessons and he managed to control his nerves for some years but then he smooth comfort in his old habits. At least now, the girl is breathing without support and she is still conscious." Alex said defeated.

" People can change, Alex." Nikita said and stood up walking towards Alex. She touched her chin and made her look up at her.

" Do you think that I am the same person that I was when I killed your father in front of you?" Nikita asked softly.

Alex remained silent not knowing how to answer that.

" Answer me, Alex. Am I still a ruthless killer, without feelings, without hesitations? Answer me." Nikita ordered firmly and she felt hurt with Alex's denial to answer.

" You weren't like that, Nikita. You don't risk your life to save a stranger if you are a ruthless, emotionless killer." Alex replied.

" Alex..." Nikita started.

" I know, Nikita. I know what you wanted to show me by your question. Yes, you have changed through the years. Satisfied?" Alex cut her off seriously.

" People can change, Alex." Nikita commented softly.

" Only if they want to, Nikita... and even then it is extremely difficult." Alex argued sadly.

" What are you going to do with Mario?" Sean asked knowing too well that Alex wasn't going to change her mind like that.

" I am not going to do anything, Phoenix on the other hand will make it sure that he will get his lesson this time." Alex said with hate in her voice.

" And how Phoenix is going to do so?" Nikita asked trying to wipe her horror from her voice.

" Nothing that you want to know." Alex replied and stared at the floor.

" Alex, you can tell me.." Nikita tried to reason Alex.

" I know, but I don't want to." Alex said sadly.

" I am sorry" Alex added and left the room before Nikita managed to stop her.

" Can you enlighten me?" Nikita asked turning to Sean.

" If a guy beats her girl, Phoenix will break both of his hands. If someone rapes a girl, Phoenix will send him to the hospital for weeks and if someone kills a girl, Phoenix will cut off his balls and let him bleed out. Those are the rules of the brothels. Respect the girls and you will be fine, disrespect the girls and you will face the consequences." Sean replied sadly.

" Sean, don't take it in a wrong way , but how is she able to do all of that? How is she able to be Phoenix?" Nikita asked sadly.

" She didn't have any choice. The brothels belong to her since she took control of Zetrov. She had to choose between getting her hands dirty or let the girls suffer the way she did. Even as Phoenix, she is caring and loving. She treats both girls and men with respect, she doesn't hurt them or anything if she can avoid it. But once a while someone is stupid enough to break the rules and she has to step foward and protect her girls. She doesn't enjoy it, Nikita. She hates it." Sean replied seriously.

" I understand. I would have made the same choice but it is still difficult to picture my little Alex doing something like that even if it is for the good." Nikita defended herself.

" No problem. I know that it is difficult for you and she knows it, too, this is why she doesn't want to talk about Phoenix in front of you." Sean replied.

" I will always love her, Sean. No matter what she does, I will always love her." Nikita said firmly.

" I know but you have to persuade her that you are okay with all of her." Sean replied seriously.

" Thank you." Nikita said honestly and exited the room.

Sean followed her and they found the others in the kitchen talking and laughing.

Nikita walked behind Alex and before Alex could protest, she hugged her from behind.

" I don't know how many times, I must say it to you but I don't care if you break arms, cut balls, send people to the hospital. I love you. Just put that in your gorgeous mind or I will kick your ass." Nikita whispered seriously in Alex's ears.

Alex froze in Nikita's hug. She was in complete shock. Sean obviously had told to Nikita how Phoenix ruled the brothels but Nikita's love was an invaluable gift.

" Thanks" Alex whispered back and pulled Nikita closer.

" So, have you decided what you want to do with Amanda?" Sean asked not wanting an uncomfortable silence to form.

" I guess that I will listen to what Amanda has to say in a few hours." Alex replied and smiled to him.


	37. not another game but the truth

" So, have you decided what you want to do with Amanda?" Sean asked not wanting an uncomfortable silence to form.

" I guess that I will listen to what Amanda has to say in a few hours." Alex replied and smiled to him.

* * *

Several hours later at Division...

Alex walked down the halls towards Amanda's office. She stopped to talk with some recruits and some guards and she found herself standing before Amanda's door ready to make the decision of her life. She was really confused, she knew that she needed to be extremely careful with Amanda. She needed to make clear herself without provoking Amanda or making her suspicious. It was a chess game that as a price had her own life. Alex braised herself and knocked the door.

" Come in." Amanda's voice was heard.

Alex slowly opened the door and took a step inside.

" Is it a bad time? I can come back later if you have work to do." Alex said politely when she saw Amanda doing paper work.

Amanda looked up at Alex and smiled softly.

" No. It is a perfect time, I was just bored. Come in." Amanda replied glad that Alex wasn't defensive from the beginning of their conversation.

Alex nodded slightly and walked towards Amanda.

" Let's sit on the couch." Amanda suggested and stood up walking away from her office and towards Alex.

Alex didn't want to fight so she obeyed and she took a seat on the couch. Amanda sat down opposite to her not wanting to make Alex feel uncomfortable.

" Let me serve you a cup of tea." Amanda said trying to be friendly with Alex. She served two cups of tea and she handed one to Alex, who didn't make any movement to accept the offer. Amanda sighed a little amused, a little hurt and she placed the cup on the table before Alex.

" I swear it is not drugged." Amanda informed Alex calmly.

Alex smiled softly and looked at Amanda.

" I am not going to take my chances." Alex replied softly.

" If I taste my tea first and prove you my word, are you going to taste yours, too? It is a pity to deprive yourself from such a wonderful refreshment just because I created bad experiences." Amanda retorted seriously.

" I will consider it." Alex replied honestly.

Amanda nodded and tasted her tea. She locked her eyes with Alex's wanting to pass the message that she kept her promise and didn't drug her tea.

" I am still standing. I haven't collapsed yet. It is not drugged." Amanda commented.

" It isn't drugged with a sedative. I don't believe that the tea is completely clean but I will play along with you this time." Alex replied firmly. Alex slowly lifted the cup of tea to her mouth and tasted the tea. She placed the cup back down on the table praying not to have put herself in trouble and looked at Amanda.

" Happy now?" Alex requested a little harsh.

" It tastes good, doesn't it?" Amanda returned the question smiling.

" What am I doing here, Amanda? I can assume that I am not here to talk about your tea.." Alex replied starting to lose her patience. Amanda's soft side made Alex uncomfortable and she felt exposed and unprepared not knowing what to expect from this side of Amanda.

" No, you aren't here to talk about my tea but but we don't have a need to go directly down on business- if you can call it like that. We are human beings and we like the communication." Amanda replied calmly and her smile fainted.

" How are you after everything that happened with Katya and Nikita? Can I do anything to minimize your pain?" Amanda asked worried. She was really worried that everything that happened to Alex the last weeks would be too much for the young girl to handle.

" I would prefer it if we could chat with our intetions clear. And I am doing fine and I would love it if you respected my wish and not talk about this." Alex retorted trying not to lose her temper.

" As you wish. I can't and I don't want to continue working in a hostile envirnment. We have to learn how to cooperate, how to trust each other, how to communicate with each other. You are here because I think that it is time for both of us to leave the past behind and move foward" Amanda replied seriously.

" We don't work in a hostile environment. We work in an environment of truce and I am not sure that we can do something better than that." Alex commented calmly.

" We can, Alex. I am not talking about erasing the past because I know that we can't do that. But the past is the past and we shouldn't let it affect our future. Just let's make a new start." Amanda said devastated. For her own reasons she wanted badly to fix her relationship with Alex, but she couldn't tell her reasons now, she would give the wrong impression and she needed Alex by her side.

" And what next, Amanda? What about the next time that you will feel betrayed? What about the next time that we will argue? What then? Are you going to kill me with your bare hands or you will continue your old habit and torture the hell out of me?" Alex asked coldly pointing to Amanda that their relationship was really damaged.

" I don't want to do this anymore, Alex, not to you. I am sorry for what I did in the past but I don't want to continue like this." Amanda replied defeated.

" This isn't an answer to my question, Amanda. What if you feel betrayed again?" Alex insisted to her question.

" Are you planning to back-stab me anytime soon?" Amanda returned the question threateningly.

" I don't know. What I know, is that I am not and I will never be loyal to Division. I am not willing to die protecting this facility." Alex retorted calmly.

" If you betray Division, I am not going to take any actions against you." Amanda said firmly after thinking a while. Her relationship with Alex was more important than Division. She knew that now.

" You are Division, Amanda. Your whole life you are caring only about this place. Betraying Division is the same as betraying you and this is a risk that I am not willing to take. I don't know what the future is going to bring with it but I know that people don't change just like that." Alex replied seriously trying to find the hidden truth behind Amanda's words.

" Alex, why do you always have to make our relationship so complicated?" Amanda asked quietly.

" Because it is complicated." Alex replied softly. She was trying with her everything to keep her emotions on the lease and the conversation in low tones.

" Forget about Division, oversight, everything. This is about us." Amanda retorted.

" I can't forget about everything, Amanda. Because this is who we are. We aren't just two ordinary women who had a fight in some cafeteria. We handle guns, we run black ops, we kill people, we torture enemies and friends, we destroy lifes. I can't forget about Division because Division is part of ourselves in one way or another. And I can't forget what you caused to those who decided to defy you and escape your claws." Alex replied seriously.

" Are we talking about Nikita? I didn't go after Nikita because she defied me. " Amanda said calmly and braised herself to reveal the truth.

" So why are you so obsessed with her?" Alex asked confused. Those years working with Nikita and Amanda, she had ended up to the conclusion that Amanda was obsessed with Nikita because she betrayed her and worked against her.

" For the same reason that I am obsessed with you. You have noticed that after you told me who you really are, I torture you but not kill you. I am not doing so because I am a heartless monster who likes to see you suffer. I am doing so because no matter what I can't bring myself to kill you. I care about you, Alex. I really do." Amanda mentioned.

" And I.. I love you" Amanda added whispering.

Alex stood in complete shock not knowing how to react to Amanda's confession of love. She was in absolute shock.

" You don't cause pain to those that you love. You don't try to destroy them. Your love or whatever you think that you feel it is not something that I can say that I am lucky to receive.. I am sorry, Amanda, but I don't want to hurt you, but torturing isn't love." Alex managed to say.

" And what is love, Alex? What Katya or what Nikita show to you is love?" Amanda asked harsh and she immediately regretted it.

" I am sorry, Alex. I am really sorry. I didn't want to tell that. I am sorry." Amanda aplogized immediately when tears covered Alex's eyes.

Alex closed her eyes in order to control her tears.

" Can we finish here please?" Alex requested trying to keep her voice stable.

" You have every right to be mad at me, to despise me and hate me. I am just asking you to let me give you the truth and then it is your choise. Please. Just give me one more minute." Amanda pleaded. She had messed the things up one more time. Now she had to tell Alex the truth.

Alex nodded defeated. Amanda stood up and walked back to her desk, she took a file in her hands and handed it to Alex. Alex glared at it curiously.

" The truth. This is why I am so obsessed with you and Nikita." Amanda said.

Alex opened the file. It was a medical file. She read it again and again and again unable to get in what she was reading. That wasn't possible. This isn't true. This is one of Amanda's mind games. It can't be true, can it? Alex was pale terrified of what she was reading, inside her she could feel that it was true, it wasn't one of Amanda's games but it was difficult to process the information. After 10 times that she read the file, she looked up at Amanda.

" It isn't another game. It is true." Amanda replied to Alex's gaze.

" No." Alex said in denial and threw the file in the table.

" Alex.." Amanda tried to calm her down.

" Alex, relax." Amanda added and took a step back afraid of Alex's outbrust.

" Don't tell me to relax. Explain me this DNA test with names, Amanda. I might have misunderstood something. Who is sample A, B and C?" Alex shouted ready to explode. What she had just read was just impossible.

" Nikita is your sister Alex and you are both my daughters, this is why I am obsessed with you." Amanda said defeated but firmly.

" I am your birth mother, Alex." Amanda repeated.


	38. it was time

**i guess that ayushi's 'goodbye and have fun' chapter gave me bad luck as my plans for a 4 days trip were cancelled so here it is the next chapter. I am sorry if I made you wait a lot but my hand is in pain and I can't write as fast and as much as before. It is not an intense chapter but I can assure you that a storm is coming. I hope you enjoy the new chapter.**

* * *

" Nikita is your sister Alex and you are both my daughters, this is why I am obsessed with you." Amanda said defeated but firmly.

" I am your birth mother, Alex." Amanda repeated.

* * *

Alex stood in complete shock. She wanted to run out of Amanda's room and shout out her complicated feelings. She knew Amanda well enough to know that this wasn't a prank, wasn't a game but Amanda's truth. It explained a lot of things, too, and most importantly why Amanda was unable to pull the trigger when Alex or Nikita were on her gunpoint. But, Alex was still in denial. She didn't want to believe that the woman who raised her wasn't her mother and that her real mother was the woman that she had hated and despised with all her heart, the woman who had betrayed uncountable times, the woman who had tortured her uncountable times. Their relationship was complicated enough, they didn't need a mother/ daughter thing to make it more complex.

And it wasn't only her relationship with Amanda that had changed in one minute. It was her relationship with Nikita, too. Alex always thought of Nikita as a sister but Nikita actually being her sister was something completely different. Alex knew how much Nikita wanted to know her parents and how much that meant to her. How she was supposed to tell her that Amanda was her mother? Did she know about all of that? Did she keep this secret, too? And who was their father? It was the same man or someone else? So many questions were passing through Alex's mind.

It had passed 3 minutes and Alex was still standing motionless, staring at Amanda with empty gaze, her mouth unable to form any kind of question. Her world had come crushing down on her. Her whole life had turned upside down, everything that she thought to be true, were lies. Amanda's reveal was something that she didn't know how to handle.

" Alex..?" Amanda asked hesitantly afraid that she had gone too far to save her relationship with Alex and had managed to put Alex in a complete state of shock. _Alex had gone through enough those weeks without learning that I am her mother, I should have kept my mouth is just a child, she can't handle everything at the same time. None can handle what Alex had gone through and she is just a child. I should have known better than to push her so much. Her emotional state was already unstable after Katya and Nikita, she didn't need me to be added to her problems. What the hell was I thinking? _Amanda thought sadly.

Alex blinked her eyes hearing Amanda's voice. She couldn't lose it now, not when she was so close to the end, not in front of Amanda.

" We are done here" Alex stated firmly and before Amanda could react she was out of the door.

" Damn it!" Amanda yelled defeated when Alex slammed the door behind her.

She could understand Alex's reaction, it was normal but Amanda felt a little hurt. Her own daughter had just turned her back on her after knowing the truth about their relationship, her own daughter had rejected her. Her heart ached as she collapsed on the couch burying her head in her hands thinking. It couldn't end there, she wasn't ready to end it there, she couldn't let Alex walk out on her just like Nikita, especially now that Alex knew the truth. Amanda was determined to fight for Alex. She had lost Alex enough times in her life to let the history repeat itself. She was done letting the others make the choices for her, she wanted her daughter back. Katya's video had shaken her world. Alex could die in the field every single day and Amanda, now knew, that she couldn't stand the fear of the loss of her daughters. The day that they found Alex almost dead from the merciless questioning in Katya's hands, she had made up her mind. She wasn't going to lose one more day with her daughters because of the past. She wanted to live with them for the now.

She didn't know how to fix her relationship with them but she had to try. She couldn't approach Nikita, she didn't even know where she was, but she could start with Alex. She knew that she had caused Alex much more pain that she had caused to Nikita and gain her forgiveness would be a more difficult task. Nikita would blame her for manipulating and destroying her life, but Alex had much more things to blame Amanda for, for example sex slavery, torture, manipulation, slaughter of her family in front of her and the list can go on and on and on. Amanda knew that her relationship with Alex was even worse because, for god sake, she had never hurt Nikita knowing that she was her daughter but with Alex, she knew! She knew that Alexandra Udinov was her daughter but she didn't care. She was too blind to care. When Alex told her that she was Alexandra Udinov, she had almost a heart attack. She wanted revenge for Alex turning her back on her and joining Nikita, she wanted revenge from Alex for keeping the truth and the daughter away from her, she wanted to reassure Alex's loyalty to her, she couldn't lose her, so she hurt her again and again trying to establish a relationship in the only way that she knew, through fear. If she could fix her relationship with Alex then Nikita was an easy case. But how the hell was she going to fix her relationship with Alex?

_" I have created a super mess with my own daughter. Good luck fixing it"_ Amanda thought sarcastically.

Slowly she stood up and took the keys of her car in her hands.

" I am not going down without a fight, Alexandra. I will fight for you." Amanda said to herself and left her room. She entered her car and drived to Alex's place.

* * *

Meanwhile...

Alex had driven to her house. She was an emotional mess. She couldn't take in what Amanda had told her. She couldn't believe it. She threw her keys on the table and she had a cold shower trying to clear her mind and force her mind to start working again. When she was out of the shower, she changed into a shorts and a red tank and she collapsed on the couch thinking of how she was supposed to react. She had so many questions... a headache had already formed. She wanted so badly to cry and break down but she had cried enough the last months to do so one more time. She wanted to remain strong. She needed to know the truth but she wasn't ready to know the truth. Nikita is her sister and Amanda is their mother.. how the hell did this happen?

She was brought out of her thoughts when her cell phone rang. She accepted the call.

" Hi Alex!" Birkoff greeted from the other end of the line.

" Hi" Alex said emotionless. She didn't want to take it out on Birkoff but she didn't have any hold on her feelings anymore.

" How did the meeting with Amanda go? Everything is okay? You sound a little distract." Birkoff replied worried. He had talked to Alex million times and he knew that when Alex was sounded emotionless something was seriously wrong.

" Is Nikita there?" Alex asked ignoring Birkoff's questions.

" No. I don't know where she is. She said that she had to do something." Birkoff replied.

" Tell her to be safe. When she returns, I need to speak with her." Alex retorted seriously.

" Sure. Do you want me and Michael to come by your house. Is everything fine? Princess, do I need to get worried?" Birkoff asked confused.

" Everything is fine. I am just a little tired. Don't worry." Alex lied.

" Okay. How did the meeting with Amanda go?" Birkoff insisted.

" I don't want to talk about it." Alex replied sadly.

" Come on, princess. Talk to me." Birkoff said anxiously as he got more and more worried with Alex's denial to talk about the meeting.

Alex was about to reply to Birkoff's plea when someone knocked the door.

" Don't hung up." Alex ordered and went to open the door.

She opened the door and froze when she saw Amanda standing patiently before her. She didn't expect that. She didn't expect Amanda to come after her. And now there she was. Her mother, Amanda, was standing before her with a soft smile on her face.

" Amanda" Alex breathed unable to think anything else.

" Alexandra" Amanda greeted firmly.

Alex brought the phone back on her ear when she heard Birkoff shouting " Is Amanda there? Are you in trouble?"

" We will talk tomorrow. Goodnight." Alex said to Birkoff and ended the call. The last thing that she wanted was Amanda to understand that she was going to be betrayed by Alex again.

She sighed and turned her attention to Amanda.

" Leave" Alex ordered simply and started closing the door slowly on Amanda's face.

She was stopped when Amanda put a hand on the door stopping it.

" Let me answer your questions, Alex. I am not asking you to forget the past. Just let me explain and then I will respect your choice. I won't bother you again if this is what you want. But please let me explain." Amanda pleaded staring at Alex's eyes.

Alex stared back at Amanda. She could see honesty and concern in them. They weren't empty and cold as usual. Amanda was changing. She didn't want to let Amanda in her heart but she needed to know the truth. She needed to know what have happened in the past and how did they get to that present. She needed to know the facts of her life. She needed answers, answers for herslef and answers for Nikita. And to do so she needed to let Amanda in her house.

Alex took a deep breathe and nodded.

" Come inside." Alex requested and opened the door for Amanda.

Amanda's smile grew bigger and she took an unsure step closer to Alex.

It was time. It was time for her to fight for her daughter, it was time to tell her the truth, it was time to drop her mask. It ws time to live for the present and not for the past. Was it a step towards the future or towards the destruction? Towards the love and acceptance or towards the hate and rejection? Did Amanda have a chance with her daughters or her relationship with them was damaged beyond repair?

**please review and let me know what you want to read next. I will try to fulfil your wishes. I really hope that you liked the chapter!**


	39. trying to get close

Alex took a deep breathe and nodded.

" Come inside." Alex requested and opened the door for Amanda.

Amanda's smile grew bigger and she took an unsure step closer to Alex.

It was time. It was time for her to fight for her daughter, it was time to tell her the truth, it was time to drop her mask. It ws time to live for the present and not for the past. Was it a step towards the future or towards the destruction? Towards the love and acceptance or towards the hate and rejection? Did Amanda have a chance with her daughters or her relationship with them was damaged beyond repair?

* * *

Amanda stepped inside the house and stared at Alex, as she slowly closed the door behind them and stayed silent for a moment trying to calm down herself. Alex took a deep breathe and turned around to look at Amanda, who hadn't taken her eyes away from her. She was looking at Alex, like if it was the very first time that she had met her and for Amanda it was. It was the first time that she was talking to Alex, her daughter and not to Alex, her agent, her enemy, her co-director, her ally, but her family. Now, Alex knew the truth and both women were more than curious to learn what was under their masks.

" Make yourself comfortable." Alex instructed as politely as she could considering the situation and gestured to Amanda to take a seat on her couch.

Amanda obeyed without saying anything and sat down on the one corner of the couch. Alex glared at her and then walked towards the kitchen.

" Can I get you something? Tea, coffee, a drink, anything?" Alex asked. She didn't want this meeting to be more uncomfortable than it already was. She wanted to act as casually and normally as she could. She had met Amanda hundred of times in the past, there wasn't any need to act differently now. Amanda might be her birth mother but that didn't change their past or their relationship, not yet at least.

" There is no need to put you in trouble. I am fine." Amanda replied softly.

Alex gave Amanda a small smile that it didn't reach her eyes in return.

" It isn't trouble. Just tell me what I can offer you." Alex retorted gently.

" A glass of red wine will be perfect." Amanda replied defeated. She was going to need some alcohol in her system to get through this conversation after all.

Alex nodded seriously and went to serve Amanda a glass of wine. She was in a little shock thinking that Nikita's favorite drink was red wine, too. Probably a mother- daughter similarity. Alex continued by serving herself a glass of milk and walked towards the couch. She gave Amanda her glass and sat on the opposite corner of the couch.

Amanda was staring at Alex with an unreadable gaze, a little confusion, a little amusement were obvious between others.

Alex noticed Amanda's gaze.

" What?" Alex asked curious.

" Milk? Really milk?" Amanda said amused and smiled at Alex's direction.

Alex laughed a little with Amanda's shocked figure.

" Don't take it in a wrong way but since the first day, I was almost sure that your favorite drink was vodka or whisky, something strong... But milk, I never expected that." Amanda tried to explain her shock.

" Whisky." Alex replied seriously.

" Excuse me?" Amanda asked confused.

" I used to drink whisky. The milk is all Nikita's doing. She didn't want me to get addicted again so she started serving me milk. I guess that I got used to it, now." Alex explained softly.

Amanda looked at Alex with watery eyes. She was glad that her daughters once had shared a relationship like that but hurt that it was over because of the lies and the betrayals.

" I am sorry. I didn't want to remind you of Nikita." Amanda apologized honestly. As far as she knew Nikita had almost executed Alex in front of her and their relationship was really damaged. She knew that when a friendship as strong as their friendship was, ended up badly then both parts were hurt deeply and the last thing that she wanted tonight was to hurt Alex more using her memories.

" It's ok." Alex whispered sadly and looked away from Amanda trying to play her role perfectly. She couldn't afford Amanda to understand what was going on. It was too dangerous, especially tonight.

" No. It is not ok and we both know it. If you want to talk about it, I am here, Alex. You are not alone." Amanda tried to comfort Alex feeling Alex's sadness rising.

Alex stayed silent for a second, her eyes fixed on the floor. Then she sighed and looked up at Amanda.

" Why are you here Amanda?" Alex asked seriously.

Amanda took a deep breathe. Her daughter was stubborn. She understood that Alex didn't want to spend time chatting with Amanda without reason, her presence could only make her feel uncomfortable.

" I am here because you are my daughter Alex and I am not letting you go again." Amanda replied firmly.

Alex frowned hearing Amanda using the word 'daughter' in order to describe her relationship with Alex.

" Don't you think that it is a little late for that? You aren't my mother, Amanda and I am certainly not your daughter. You made a decision years ago when you gave up your title. I grew up calling Katya, my mother and you were nothing to me. So why now Amanda? Why are you so intrested suddenly?" Alex argued calmly trying to hold herself together. The new relationship with Amanda was something that she hadn't managed to get in yet. She was fighting with her feelings. Her worst enemy, her nightmare was her mother.

" Let me explain my actions, Alex. Yes, you grew up thinking Katya as your mother and I wouldn't want to change that if Katya hadn't almost killed you. I suddenly decided to tell you the truth because I almost lost you again from the hands of your 'mother'. Katya showed me how easily I can lose you through my hands because of our life. I don't want to lose you, Alexandra, not again. I want you to know the whole truth and if you decide that you don't want to give me a shot to change the sins of my past then I will accept your decision but I need you to know the whole truth, to know why I gave Nikita away, why I gave you away. Please, Alex, just let me explain myself." Amanda pleaded devastated. She couldn't afford to lose Alex now without a fight. It was time to make the decisions for herself and make peace with her daughters.

" Who is our father?" Alex asked after a while. She needed to know the whole truth. Her life had already turned upside down, more truths didn't make any difference, not anymore.

" Nikolai Udinov. Nikita and you are daughters of Nikolai Udinov." Amanda replied honestly.

Alex stared at Amanda in complete shock.

" You sent Nikita to kill her own father" Alex commented in shock.

" No! Alexandra! No!" Amanda shouted immediately.

" I didn't know that Nikita was my daughter back then. I learned Nikita's true identity when you brought her in. I didn't know that she was my daughter." Amanda added honestly.

" So you just send your best agent to kill the father of your children and your second daughter? And then you send me against my sister and your other daughter?" Alex asked with a tone of disbelief.

" Yes." Amanda said defeated and looked down ashamed.

" At least, you are honest." Alex commented not knowing what to do.

" I know that it sounds horrible but please there is more under the surface." Amanda retorted.

" I doubt that there is anything that can justify you manipulate everyone and everything, sending the one sister after another, a daughter after her father." Alex argued in disguse.

" Can you at least listen to me?" Amanda asked devastated thinking that she was losing her daughter.

" Sure. Just give me 5 minutes to change my bandages, check my broken arm and take the cure." Alex replied and before Amanda could reply, she stood up and started walking into her bedroom.

" Do you need any help?" Amanda asked trying to show Alex that she did care.

" No, thanks. I can take care of the wounds that my mother, my sister and your agent caused me." Alex replied coldly and Amanda felt like she was being stabbed in the heart.

She entered her bedroom and sat down on her bed.

_This isn't happening! How am I going to tell Nikita that her father was Nikolai Udinov, the man that she thought that she had killed? How am I going to say to her that her mother is Amanda? I don't believe that this is happening. My life was complicated enough without learning that Amanda is my birth mother._ Alex thought devastated.

" Let's get finished with this madness." Alex whispered to herself.

With unsure footstep she walked towards the mirror and her aid kit. She injected herself with the cure, she changed the bandage on her stomach and her shoulder, she checked the bruise on her broken arm and she took care of her cut on her face. It took her amost 7 minutes. She took a deep breathe and walked to the living room.

She froze when she saw Amanda's broken figure. She had never seen Amanda like that. Amanda was always sitting with her back straight, her head up, looking fearless and powerful. But now, she was sitting with her head in her hands feeling powerless. Alex couldn't help but feel uncomfortably seeing Amanda so vulnerable.

She walked back into her room silently and then back inside the living room making sure that her presence was known. And her trick worked and when she came back in the living room, Amanda was her usual self and Alex smiled seeing Amanda taking control over her emotions. Their conversation was already difficult. Amanda wouldn't want Alex to see her broken and Alex had respected her wish.

" Everything fine?" Amanda asked worried and glared at Alex.

" Yeah." Alex replied and joined Amanda on the couch.

" Ready?" Amanda asked.

" As much as I can" Alex replied and gave a reassuring smile to Amanda.

There wasn't a way back after this conversation. The whole truth was going to be revealed. Amanda would drop her mask and reveal her past. How Alex is going to react? Is she going to stop her plan to take down Division or she will continue with it? Will Amanda have a chance with her daughter?


	40. a travel to the past memories

**Hi! I am so sorry for the long way! Amanda gave me a really hard time writing her character with emotions. Here is a long chapter that I hope to make it up for the long wait. So sorry! Thanks for reviewing and reading and PM me. Thanks for the patience and I am sorry. Enjoy! **

" Ready?" Amanda asked.

" As much as I can" Alex replied and gave a reassuring smile to Amanda.

There wasn't a way back after this conversation. The whole truth was going to be revealed. Amanda would drop her mask and reveal her past. How Alex is going to react? Is she going to stop her plan to take down Division or she will continue with it? Will Amanda have a chance with her daughter?

* * *

" Everything started when I was fifteen. My father had sent me to attend summer lessons in a college. There I met Nikolai. I fell for him. He was four years older than me but I didn't care. He was studying business management. Soon, we started spending time together. My last night on the college, we had sex. I returned home and I lost contact with Nikolai. Then, I learnt that I was pregnant." Amanda paused and took a few seconds to think of how she was supposed to continue.

" pregnant from Nikolai?" Alex asked softly.

" I have done a lot of things in my past, Alexandra but being a whore wasn't one of them. I know who is the father of my child, I didn't sell my body to anyone. Nikolai was my first and my only one at that time." Amanda replied harsh.

" Ouch." Alex commented hearing Amanda talking with so disgust in her voice for those who had sold their body in young age and couldn't identify the father of their own child. She had accepted the fact that she was a sex slave but hearing Amanda talking with so disgust, hearing her birth mother talking with so disgust about that hurt her more than she had imagined.

Amanda looked at Alex and realized what she had just said and to who.

" I am sorry, Alex. I didn't mean it in this way. I am so sorry." Amanda pleaded devastated. This conversation didn't start well. She had already offended Alex and they were talking only for a couple of minutes about this subject.

" I didn't want to comment about your sexual life. I am the last person who has the right to judge you over that. But if you are Nikita's mother and Nikolai is her father, how the hell is possible that Nikita looks like an asian woman?" Alex said calmly. She didn't want to lose control over her emotions, she needed answers.

" Oh. Yes. Genetics is a wonderful subject. Well it has to do with chromosomes and DNA..." Amanda started to explain.

" English please." Alex requested amused with Amanda's reaction and her will to explain everything in the most complicated way.

Amanda smiled to Alex.

" She looks like her grandparents. My mother and Nikolai's father were Asians. It is a rare thing but sometimes the children look more like their grandparents than their parents." Amanda said simply.

Alex took a few minutes to think about it. She had heard that before. A teacher in Russia during a biology class had told them about it because her grand-daughter looked exactly like her.

" Okay. What happened next?" Alex asked gently Amanda to continue her story.

" My father was determined that he knew the best for me. He locked me into the house and he made sure that I couldn't communicate with Nikolai. His 15 pregnant daughter was something that could damage his image and he needed to minimize the damage. He forced me to give Nikita away. I didn't want to. I wanted to raise my child." Amanda paused and took a deep breath.

" I wasn't brave enough to fight my father and I agreed. I agreed to give Nikita for adoption and I trusted my best friend with this assignment. We made a deal that she would make sure to find Nikita a wonderful family and that she would keep me informed about her status. Unfortunately, I trusted the wrong person." Amanda said and her voice started trembling.

" Do you need a break?" Alex asked politely. She didn't want to press Amanda to talk for something so private. She could see that this talk was too painful for Amanda, behind her cold and emotionless mask, there was a broken person, a woman who had lost her daughters, a woman who had a rough past and in order to survive through the loss of her own children, she became cold and distant.

" I trusted her with my daughter's life but she decided to betray my trust. She took money from my father to disappear and never let me know what happened to my baby girl. I trusted her with my daughter!" Amanda shouted angry. Her emotions started taking control over her. She hadn't felt that weak for years.

" Who was your friend?" Alex asked curiously.

" Carla." Amanda whispered defeated.

" You mean the woman who got Nikita clean? Her mentor?" Alex asked confused.

" We grew up together. We shared the same dreams, the same fears. We were like sisters. I trusted her with my own life. I guess that I didn't know how power and money can corrupt the people. She took Nikita and ran away. She gave her away and let her suffer in the foster family's system. At least, she helped her when Nikita needed help. If only I had made another choice, if I had given Nikita away to someone else..." Amanda said guilty.

" You did what you thought that it was the best.." Alex replied softly. She couldn't believe that she was actually comforting Amanda. That was insane. Alex couldn't believe what she was doing but it felt natural.

Amanda shook her head in denial. For years she was trying to deal with her choices but she couldn't.

" When I first met Nikita, I didn't know that she was my daughter. I felt close to her and I wanted to protect her but I didn't know the nature of our relationship. Years after she ran away, I followed a lead. When I gained power inside of Division, I started a research for my daughter's first foster family. I wanted to learn at least her name. And I had finally my answers. Nikita... the name of my daughter was Nikita. I was in complete shock. I didn't want to believe it. You had just brought Nikita in and I was getting ready to torture her when I learnt her name. I didn't want to believe that the woman that I was about to torture was my daughter. So I took a blood example while she was unconscious and I ran a DNA test. The result of the test was positive but they came after Nikita's escape. She was alive. My daughter was alive and she was my deadliest enemy."

" Why you didn't tell Nikita about that?" Alex asked calmly.

" Tell her what? That the woman that she hated the most was her birth mother? I have spent years studying Nikita's personality. She wanted so badly to know her parents, that gap in her heart was something that I couldn't fill as her mentor. How am I going to tell her that the person that she hates so much is her birth mother? I couldn't do that to her, even if that meant that the secret will stay with me forever." Amanda replied honestly.

" Are you planning to tell her someday? You can't keep that away from her, Amanda. It isn't fair for her. She deserves the truth." Alex retorted seriously.

" I know. I know. I have written four letters for her. Every time that I know that I might see Nikita, I carry them with me. I am planning to hand them to her when she pulls the trigger." Amanda replied gently. No matter how difficult this conversation was, it felt good to have it with Alex, her daughter.

" You can't be serious!" Alex exclaimed in disbelief.

" You are going to let her kill her mother and then tell her the truth? This is sadistic and wrong." Alex added.

" But I can't Alex. I don't know how to tell her." Amanda replied devastated.

" Just like how you told me that you are my mother. Where are the letters now?" Alex pleaded firmly.

" In my car. Why?" Amanda asked confused.

" You are going to give me the letters and I will hand them to Nikita the next time that I will see her on the field. It isn't negotiable." Alex said seriously and stood up. She walked towards the table and took her gun placing it in a holster to her back.

" What are you doing?" Amanda asked worried.

" We are going to your car to get those letters. You don't have the right to keep that information to yourself." Alex replied and opened the door of the house and gestured to Amanda to walk.

Amanda obeyed figuring out that it was for her daughter's best interest. Alex was right, she didn't have the right to keep this information for herself. Nikita had the right to know and make her own decisions.

" Where have you parked?" Alex asked curiously while they exited her building. Her muscles were tensed as she checked the perimeter for any threats. She didn't find any but she had a bad feeling, the directors of the Division exposed like that was something that she didn't want to take lightly.

" Two blocks away in a ground garage." Amanda replied softly and gestured the correct direction to Alex. Walking on the street with her daughter on her side felt good. She knew that it might not last but she liked the feeling. Her daughter by her side without secrets, without hostility. She had buried this part of herself deep inside her for so many years but now she knew how wrong her decisions were, she knew what she had lost all those years.

" Two blocks away? Really?" Alex asked with a tone of disapproval.

" I needed to walk, clear my mind and find the courage to face you. I know that it wasn't the best decision for a woman who is always a target but I needed sometime to think." Amanda replied calmly understanding Alex's disbelief.

" Next time, if you don't want to get yourself killed, you can pace up and down in my apartment not in the middle of the street." Alex instructed seriously.

" I didn't know that you wanted me alive." Amanda commented and smiled.

Alex sighed annoyed. She didn't know what her relationship with Amanda was, she didn't know if she wanted her dead or alive.

" Don't flatter yourself. You are just too valuable asset to let you die like that." Alex replied like a diplomat. Asset in her work or asset in her life? That was a one billion dollars question that neither Amanda nor Alex had any answers for.

Amanda sighed defeated. She already knew that gaining Alex's trust and affection was a difficult, maybe impossible task. You can't just accept the fact that the woman who had tortured you, killed you, hunt you down is your mother. Amanda had made unforgivable mistakes and she didn't have any expectations from Alex to forgive her, she knew that she needed to give Alex something real, something worth loving and trusting.

" Do you want to hear your story?" Amanda asked politely.

Alex glared at Amanda and thought about it. They had to walk two blocks and if she had to choose between silence and back story, she would choose...

" Sure. Why not?" Alex replied softly. No matter how hard she tried to deal with the new information, she still couldn't see Amanda as a lovely and caring mother. She had a really hard time trying to get in the new facts.

" Seven years after I gave birth to Nikita, I was attending a conference. Percy had sent me there in order to make contact with some powerful men and make sure that they could be blackmailed. There I met Nikolai for second time in my life. The reunion was hot and we couldn't control our lust. I got pregnant again, to you. I was totally terrified. Percy was so ambitious and so sick. Not ordered pregnancy was unacceptable at Division. I wanted to give you birth, I loved already that tiny baby that was growing up inside. So I kept you and I made my research about Nikolai." Amanda took a deep breath. What she was about to say wasn't easy to hear and she knew it.

" Nikolai was already engaged to Katya. I extended my research to Katya and I found out that she was a KGB agent with orders to seduce Nikolai and form a family with him. Katya didn't want to have children but her superiors demanded her to do so. I decided to contact Katya. I told her everything and we decided that she would present you as her daughter with Nikolai." Amanda paused. She needed to put her thoughts in order. Her plan was brilliant back then but it was hard to explain.

" I talked to Percy and I told him that I wanted ten months for myself in order to complete my new torture technique. Of course, he was more than eager to give me what I needed. Katya talked to Nikolai, she told him that she was pregnant and that she wanted to be alone for the next months, a tradition of her family. So we both moved to an island in Greece. For the next months, Katya was helping me with my pregnancy and when the time came, I handed you to her." Amanda said sadly.

" She let me hug you and feed you for some days. She even let me pick your name. Your baby blue were looking at me with so much innocence and love... your smile and your laugh. I still remember your first laugh.." Amanda trailed lost in her thoughts, a smile on her face. She had missed so much...

" Thanks." Alex said calmly.

" For what?" Amanda asked confused.

" For giving me to Katya. I don't know how my life would be with you or anyone else as my mother, worse or better, but Katya was a great mother." Alex replied with tears in her eyes. She didn't know how to react, she had never heard Amanda speaking for anyone with so affection.

" She tortured you in the worst possible ways. She raped you, she almost killed you. How.. how can you say that?" Amanda asked confused.

" Yes, she did all of that but that doesn't change the past. Until the day that I was supposed to die, she was a great mother. I want to hold on to that, maybe it was just a dream or a cover but she was a great mother." Alex replied seriously.

" And you can't really talk about torture, because I have suffered in your hands more times than I can even remember." Alex commented softly.

" I am sorry." Amanda replied ashamed.

" What happened next?" Alex asked curiously.

" For years everything was fine but then a kill order came up. Division was about to kill you. The internal battle was unbearable. I could have asked Nikita to spare your life and save you, but then I would have lost two daughters into the world and I would have gotten killed Nikita. I was selfish, I know it, and I will never forgive myself for my choice. I decided to let you die, then at least I would have known that you were dead, in the heaven. I am so sorry, Alexandra, so sorry." Amanda said and paused. She wanted Alex to say something, to shout at her or punch her, she wanted Alex to react but Alex didn't know how to react. Her mother just told her that she wanted her dead.

After some seconds of silence, Amanda sighed defeated.

" You know the continue. The price on your head was raised and Operation Alexandra Udinov came up. You broke your alliance with Nikita and turned yourself into. I was so worried to learn about my daughter and then you came up and told me that you were my daughter. I was so mad at you and at myself. Mad at you because under your cover, you kept my daughter away from me and mad at me because I had made again the wrong choice. If I had helped Nikita rescuing you, you wouldn't have to suffer in your life like that." Amanda added as they entered the ground garage.

" Where is your car?" Alex asked and felt like someone was stalking them. She didn't know what to say to Amanda.

" I failed you. I am sorry." Amanda said honestly.

" There." Amanda pointed to the far corner of the garage.

Suddenly, she froze. Alex had taken out her gun pointing at Nikita. Nikita was there, with a gun pointed at Amanda.

" The directors of Division left exposed... I am disappointed." Nikita taunted Amanda.

" Next time, you will pace up and down my apartment." Alex whispered to Amanda angrily.

Alex's mind started working quickly. _Nikita wants Amanda dead, Nikita doesn't know that Amanda is her mother but I know and I can't let her do it. She will never forgive herself or me if I let her pull the trigger. There isn't any other choice._

She needed to do it. She knew that she would give to Amanda the impression that she has forgiven her and that then she would have to play along until she comes up with a plan but she couldn't let Nikita kill her own mother.

Slowly Alex placed herself in front of Amanda, Nikita's gun pointed at her.

Nikita looked at her confused and a little hurt. She didn't expect that. She knew that Alex might have decided to give Amanda a second change but she didn't expect that it will be so quickly, she didn't expect that Alex would save Amanda's life. Amanda glared at Alex confused.

" What are you doing?" Amanda whispered as she tried to push Alex away from her.

" This isn't why you came today? I am not letting my sister kill my mother. I have lost a lot of mother figures to let go off of you." Alex whispered in order to not let Nikita hear anything.

" Alexandra.." Amanda tried to protest.

" It isn't negotiable, mom." Alex said and the word 'mom' echoed strangely in her mind. Amanda was caught out of guards. She didn't expect Alex to call her like that. It felt so good...

Alex started walking towards Nikita, slowly she lowered her gun. She needed to make Nikita lower her gun willingly. She didn't want to fight right now.

Nikita's face changed from confused to worried and scared. As Alex was walking, she spotted a red circle on Alex's cheek. Amanda had just noticed the same thing. They were both familiar with that. A target from a sniper's gun. A sniper was about to kill Alex.

" Snipper!" Amanda yelled as a gunshot echoed through the air.


	41. a difficult night

**So here is the next chapter! I hope that you like it! I am trying to picture their feelings as well as I can and I try to keep Amanda as real as I can. It is a tricky task to combine Amanda's soft and dark side. I hope that you enjoy the chapter. Please let me know what you think and thanks everyone for reviewing.**

Nikita's face changed from confused to worried and scared. As Alex was walking, she spotted a red circle on Alex's cheek. Amanda had just noticed the same thing. They were both familiar with that. A target from a sniper's gun. A sniper was about to kill Alex.

" Snipper!" Amanda yelled as a gunshot echoed through the air.

* * *

Alex heard Amanda yelling but she was too shocked to react same as Nikita. They both thought that her death was certain but Amanda had a different opinion. She knew that she couldn't lose her daughter again like that. Not now, not ever. Alex had called her 'mom' and Amanda instantly felt her mother insticts kicking. She would give her own life to proect her daughters. Without a second thought, she launched herself to Alex and seconds before the bullet get stuck to her skull, she knocked her down on the floor. The bullet passed inches above Amanda's falling figure. Amanda covered with her body Alex's body. Quickly, she stood up and grabbed Alex lifting her up and threw her behind a car as Alex yelled to Nikita.

" Nikita, take cover!" Alex yelled worried because Nikita was standing still in complete shock.

Nikita snapped out of her shock and took cover behind another car next to Amanda and Alex.

Amanda frowned as she saw blood running down Alex's hand.

" Damn! Your wound is reopened!" Amanda shouted as she applied pressure to Alex's opened wound.

Alex was calmer than Amanda. Her constant presence on the field had given her the ability to deal with situations like that with calmness.

" Thanks. I guess that we are even now." Alex commented and stared at Amanda thinking that her previous action might have something to do that the fact that Alex put herself before Nikita's gun in order to protect Amanda.

" No. We will never be even. I own you your life." Amanda replied seriously and cupped Alex's face.

Nikita watched with wide eyes the interaction between Amanda and Alex. What the hell was going on? Why Alex was protecting Amanda and why Amanda acted like that?

Alex slowly turned her gaze away from Amanda to Nikita. She noticed her confused gaze but she knew that she couldn't explain anything right now.

" Are you ok?" Alex asked worried.

Nikita shook her head trying to get her mind working again.

" Yeah yeah. You?" Nikita replied.

Alex nodded in return. Amanda looked at Nikita and then at Alex and smiled sadly. She was a fool, Alex would always care for Nikita. With a devious smile on her face, she pushed her thumb into Alex's wound. Alex gritted her teeth trying to control her groans from the sudden pain attack and Nikita was about to lift her gun against Amanda when she noticed Alex's good hand signaling to her to stay low and not engage.

" Old habits die hard" Alex said through gritted teeth and stared at Amanda.

" You haven't stopped caring." Amanda whispered in Alex's ears and released Alex's wounded shoulder from her hold.

" I never said that I did. I can't erase the past, I can't switch off my feelings like that. No matter what, a part of me would always wish her to be safe." Alex sighed relieved that Amanda had regained control of herself.

" Don't you dare double-cross me again. I warn you." Amanda warned coldly whispering threateningly.

" I don't plan to." Alex said firmly and stared at Amanda's eyes.

" I am sorry." Amanda pleaded ashamed of the fact that she still couldn't control herself and not torture Alex when she didn't like her attitude.

" I can't wait to see the day that you will say that and I will actually believe it." Alex retorted seriously.

" This conversation isn't over, Alexandra." Amanda commented and turned to Nikita.

" Your relationship isn't my problem. I know that deep inside you, there is a part of you that cares about her." Amanda said coldly. Her old self taking control over her.

" Why do YOU care?" Nikita asked confused.

" I care because I would really like to use some help over here. I don't want her to bleed out in my hands. I have to look after her shoulder." Amanda replied honestly and stared at Nikita.

Nikita returned the gaze at Amanda.

" What do you want me to do?" Nikita asked defeated. She didn't want to cooperate with Amanda, she thought that it was too dangerous but she couldn't let Alex die because of her ego.

" Come here and keep her alive for a while." Amanda ordered and Nikita obeyed immediately.

Nikita hated the memories that came crushing down on her. Amanda in total control over her younger self when she was inside Division. When Nikita was young, Amanda had so deep her claws inside her that she would follow every order without hesitation, without remorse, without asking. Nikita shook those thoughts away and quickly ran the gap between the two cars and reached the two women as another gunshot echoed through the ground garage passing inches away from Nikita.

Nikita looked at Amanda and she nodded in return releasing Alex's shoulder and stepped back. Nikita took Amanda's place and pressed Alex's shoulder trying to minimize the blood loss.

" What is going on?" Nikita mouthed to Alex her back turned on Amanda.

" Later." Alex mouthed back looking at Amanda and making sure that this was a private conversation. Her eyes opened wide as she saw Amanda taking out a small bottle of alchohol from an inner pocket of her jacket.

" Seriously? You carry alchohol with you?" Alex asked with a tone of disbelief.

" Whisky. Do you want some?" Amanda replied sarcastically.

Nikita looked back at Amanda with a murderous gaze.

" This night isn't going well." Alex whispered to herself.

Amanda pured the whisky on a cloth and walked back towards Alex. She put it on Alex's wound and Alex winced in pain.

" This night isn't going any better for me, if that makes you feel better." Amanda commented and stared at Alex.

Alex took a deep breath trying to control herself and keep her mouth close. She wanted to reply to Amanda's comment but she knew better.

" I don't usually carry alchohol. And as you have already understood, my favorite drink isn't whisky. But tonight was a special evening and I didn't expect you to be so polite with me. You are usually more defensive and agreesive. I thought that I might have needed a drink after or before our conversation but now I think that I will have to drop you to medical." Amanda added.

" Trust me, I am trying hard to keep back my words. And after tonight, I want a leave." Alex retorted.

" You are doing fine with your anger control and a leave is absolutely in order or your doctor is going to kick your ass. He is tired of seeing you on his operating table." Amanda commented.

" I am just tired of fighting with you. And he is right. If I survive this month, it will be a miracle." Alex said and smiled softly.

" Okay. I am sorry for interrupting this wonderful conversation but we have a damn snipper shooting at us!" Nikita exclaimed confused. What changed between Alex and Amanda? Why have they been acting like that?

" The situation will be taken care soon." Alex replied calmly.

Nikita looked at Alex confused.

" You don't expect that Alexandra Udinov has left herself unprotected, right?" Amanda asked Nikita with a tone of disapproval.

" The only reason why you weren't killed on spot the moment that you raised your gun against her is - if I can assume correctly- because her men have a direct order to not engage with you." Amanda said coldly and stared at Alex.

" You aren't going to drop this topic, are you?" Alex requested devastated.

" Of course not! At least, we are doing this conversation more peacefully than others." Amanda retorted angrily.

" That isn't my choice, if you miss your torture tools, feel free to use them." Alex commented coldly as ice.

" And yes, Nikita hasn't and she will not have a target on her head from me. If I decide that I want her dead, I will do myself. Happy now?" Alex argued with rage in her voice.

Nikita listened to the exchange in total disbelief. She knew that Alex's position wasn't the best one, she was going to get exposed because of her presence. She was about to say something, but she was stopped from Alex's ringtone.

" It was about time." Alex sighed and picked up her phone.

" Thank you" Alex replied after a while and hang up the phone.

" 3 snippers and 2 armed teams. We are clear for now." Alex informed the others.

" Let's move before we meet more problems in our ways." Amanda ordered firmly.

Nikita found the opportunity to lighten Alex's difficult position and help her not to get compromised. She stood up taking two steps back and trained her gun at Amanda.

" You don't really think that I am going to let you walk out of here, right?" Nikita asked coldly.

Amanda stood up and lifted one hand in front of her in a non threaening position.

" Nikita.." Amanda tried to reason her.

" If I take both of you down then Division and Russia Mafia, will belong to the past." Nikita stated firmly and stared at Amanda.

" You don't want to kill Amanda." Alex broke the awkard silence.

Amanda and Nikita stared at Alex.

" And why is that?" Nikita asked confused. It could end there. Alex would be free and Division would be dead. Why Alex wanted to protect Amanda?

" Don't." Amanda warned her with a lethal tone.

Alex looked up at Amanda and then at Nikita.

" She has some information that you might be intrested in." Alex informed Nikita calmly.

" Do you want to be more specific or can I pull the trigger now?" Nikita retorted coldly.

" She has to deliver some letters from... your mother." Alex said quickly.

" What?" Nikita shouted in disbelief and her gun shook in her hands.

" Nikita.." Amanda started softly.

" You knew who my parents were?" Nikita exclaimed frustated.

" No. I didn't know back then." Amanda replied honestly.

Nikita was about to attack Amanda when she heard Alex's voice again.

" Nikita. If you kill her the truth will die with her. Let her bring you the letters and you can kill her another time if you want." Alex tried to reason Nikita as she slowly stood up.

" How do I know that she won't run away? How do I know that she will bring me the letters?" Nikita asked with grave and shaking voice.

Alex looked at Amanda and Amanda understanding Alex's gaze nodded affirmative.

" You will have me. I will be your hostage until she comes back. If she tries to run, you can shoot me." Alex said seriously.

Nikita looked at Alex in disbelief.

" I won't run, Nikita." Amanda promised firmly.

" Walk towards me." Nikita ordered Alex.

Alex obeyed and walked towards Nikita, Nikita's gun now pointed at her.

" Turn around." Nikita ordered when Alex was close to her.

" Hands behind your head." Nikita ordered and she handcuffed Alex's hands behind her when Alex obeyed.

Suddenly, Nikita kicked Alex's knees from behind and brought Alex on her knees before her, her face looking at Amanda.

" Did you really have to do that?" Alex asked angrily as she felt pain radiating from her knees to her whole body.

" Now, you can go." Nikita said to Amanda as she kept her gun pointed at Alex's head. Amanda gave a last look at Alex and walked away towards her car.

When Amanda left Nikita's sight, Nikita forced Alex to stand up and uncuffed her hands.

" Have you gone crazy? Did you really have to kick my knees?" Alex whispered angrily at Nikita.

" Sorry but I didn't want you to get compromised." Nikita apologised seriously.

" What the hell is going on? How does she know about my parents? Why you didn't let me to take her down?" Nikita asked with one breathe.

" I can't explain anything right now. But trust me, you don't want to kill her. Promise me that you aren't going to kill her, not tonight. Go home, read the letters and we will talk later. Please." Alex pleaded devastated.

Nikita stared at Alex confused.

" Fine." Nikita replied defeated after some seconds. She had promised last night to Alex that she would accept her decisions regarding Amanda and she was going to keep her promise.

Alex sighed relieved.

" How the hell did you get here? I thought that you were on a mission." Alex asked seriously and pressed her wounded shoulder to minimize the pain.

" Birkoff called and told me that Amanda was in your apartment and that you didn't sound well. I came to make it sure that you were alright." Nikita explained softly.

" I can take care of myself. But thanks." Alex replied and smiled softly.

" She is coming back." Nikita informed and grabbed Alex from her collar and placed the gun on her chin.

Amanda joined the girls and frowned seeing Nikita threatening Alex.

" Can we finish here now?" Amanda asked coldly.

" The letters." Nikita requested firmly.

" Give me Alexandra first." Amanda retorted.

" Fine fine take the letters first." Amanda shouted when Nikita tightened the grip on her gun. Nikita smiled and took the letters from Amanda, then she pushed Alex towards Amanda, hating herself for leaving Alex alone with this bitch.

" Alexandra!" they heard someone calling.

They all turned around and saw a man walking towards them.

" Yuri?" Alex whispered in disbelief and took a step foward.

" You have promised Alexandra. I trusted you and you let me down." Yuri yelled frustated.

" What are you talking about?" Alex asked confused walking towards her old friend and trying to understand him.

Yuri closed the gap between them, his face now inches away from Alex's.

" You promised me that you won't turn into your father." Yuri whispered irritated.

" Yuri..." Alex whispered.

" And I promised you that I won't let you become your father" Yuri said and kissed her softly on her cheeks.

" and I am going to fulfill my promise. I am sorry." Yuri said and took a step back taking his gun out in order to kill Alex.

Alex didn't give him the chance to pull the trigger. As soon as she saw Yuri pulling the gun, she pulled hers and shot Yuri on his chest. Yuri fell back on his back and gasped trying to breathe and fight the bullet wound on his chest. Alex kneeled next to him and took his hand in hers. Yuri was her best friend in Russia, one night she had promised him that she won't turn into her father, that she won't run Zetrov with his ways and she had broken her promise. Even if she planned to destroy the russia mafia, Yuri didn't know that and she had failed her friend. She didn't want to pull the trigger but it was her life or his. Her eyes were full of tears, her heart ached as she heard Yuri's last words.

" You are just like your father... a murdered. You can't love or feel anything. I am sorry that I couldn't save you from... yourself." Yuri said and his eyes closed, finally giving up into darkness.

Alex hearing Yuri's words started sobbing silently. It hurt her more than she wanted to admit. Yuri's words was like a stab on her heart. She didn't want to become her father, she didn't want to be Alexandra or Phoenix, she didn't want to be that person. She hated herself more and more every single day.

Amanda and Nikita looking at Alex's sobbing form gave a confused look at each other and they silently decided to put their differences aside and help Alex. They walked towards her.

" Alex..?" Amanda asked softly.

" Get into your car and leave. Same for you, Nikita. Get the hell out of here both of you." Alex ordered with shaking voice and stood up trying to compose herself.

" Alex..?" Nikita asked softly.

" I was clear, Nikita. Leave." Alex said coldly. She needed time to stay alone, to grieve for the death of her best friend, to find herself, to deal with herself.

" Alexandra, we both try to help you." Amanda tried to reason Alex.

" You have created a monster." Alex said coldly as ice and walked away tears running down her face.

Alex's words hit Nikita badly. She backed off immediately, walking away with tears in her eyes as well. She knew that Alex needed time with herself and to be honest, she needed time to deal with what Alex had just said, too. Amanda followed their example, stunned with Alex's statement as well. She was sad. She never wanted that for her daughter. She never wanted her daughter to be in so much pain.

" A monster..." Alex whispered to herself.


	42. same blood, same flesh divided heart

**So this is the next chapter! I hope that you enjoy it and I really really really hope to make you a little teary. Thanks for the constant support and please keep reviewing. Enjoy!**

Alex walked down the streets back to her apartment, the wind blowing on her face, tears running down her face in full speed. She hated herself, every inch of her body and of her soul, she was a murderer, a cold-blood, ruthless person. She didn't want to be Alexandra or Phoenix. She didn't want to kill, to torture, to destroy lifes anymore. She was tired of being around tragedy and death and pain. She wanted to wake up in the morning and not feel sad. She wanted the pain, the hurt, the regret to end. Lost in her thoughts, she opened the door of her apartment and got into. She froze as a familiar smell reached her nose.

" Sean?" Alex asked carefully, her muscles tight.

Sean came out of her bedroom. He looked tired but when he saw Alex a small smile formed on his face.

" What happened?" Sean asked and frowned when he saw the blood that had covered Alex's tank.

" Nothing." Alex replied with grave voice and collapsed on the couch.

" Let me see it." Sean ordered and moved towards Alex. Alex didn't say anything, she didn't want to fight anymore so she let him have a look at her wound.

Sean sighed devastated.

" You need a leave. You aren't going to survive this monnth if you continue to be hurt like that every few days." Sean said as he stood up walking to the bathroom and then coming back with the aid kit in his hands.

" I know, I know. This is what I told Amanda. I am not going to survive this month." Alex agreed with Sean's statement.

" I will clean it up, put a bandage on, change the bandages of the other wounds and give you the cure. Did I forget anything?" Sean said sarcasically trying to lighten the mood.

Alex gave him a devious smile.

" Yes, you forgot something." Alex informed him still smiling.

" Really?" Sean asked worried.

" A kiss, scout boy. A kiss." Alex said and Sean laughed loudly.

" I plan to give you more than one kiss tonight, beautiful." Sean replied seductively and bent down to kiss Alex.

As Sean was taking care of Alex's wounds, Alex was too silent.

" What are you thinking?" Sean asked calmly and placed a soft kiss on Alex's mark and then stood up and sat next to Alex as she finished her treatment.

" Have I turned into my father?" Alex asked sadly.

" No. Alex, you aren't your father." Sean retorted.

" I am nothing better than him. I kill and torture people, I destroy families, I ran brothels and black ops units." Alex said devastated.

" And you don't enjoy it. You don't do it because you like it or because you want power. You sacrifice yourself in order to protect them. You made a rough choice, you chose to sacrifice yourself and try to save the others. You aren't your father, Alexandra. But you know that this war isn't about cutting an arm of the monster, it is about killing the monster. You are a great person. Don't doubt that." Sean argued seriously. He knew that Alex has doubts about herself but he knew that she was wrong. Alex was a good person, a wonderful person.

" What did Amanda tell you this time?" Sean asked thinking that Alex's doubts had something to do with her meeting with Amanda. He was on a mission and he wasn't yet debriefed about everything

Alex frowned hearing Amanda's name.

" It's not about her. I don't want to talk about her." Alex said almost begging Sean to drop Amanda's topic.

Sean stared at her worried.

" Ok. If this is what you want." Sean decided that he needed to give Alex some space. Amanda knew how to affect people and he didn't want to push Alex if Amanda had played one of her mind games again.

Alex smiled relieved and gave him a small smile.

" How was your day?" Alex asked.

" Kicking asses." Sean replied casually.

" As always mister badass." Alex joked and Sean hugged her. Alex let her head to rest on Sean's chest as he let his back rest on the back of the couch.

They sat like that in silence for some minutes, both lost in their thoughts.

" I need you to promise me something." Alex said breaking the comfortable silence.

Sean looked at her confused.

Alex pulled herself back and looked at Sean.

" I want you to promise that you will not let me become my father. I want you to promise me that if I get swallowed by my own evil, you will find a way to bring me back. Please, Sean. Promise that you aren't going to let me become the face of devil." Alex requested with teary eyes.

" I promise you, Alex. I will never let you go. I will never let you turn into what you hate. I will never give up on you. I promise." Sean promised seriously and pulled Alex back in his hug.

* * *

Amanda returned back to Division. She entered her office, locked the door behind, close the windows so none could see what she was doing and took off of her heels. She walked towards her personal mini bar and served herself a glass of red wine. She took it and sat on her chair behind her desk. It was a really tough night.

She only wanted to let Alex know the truth, let her know that she isn't alone. She was tired of seeing Alex knowing that she was her daughter and that she was unaware of that fact. She didn't have any expectations. She knew that she had done a lot of unforgivenable things to Alex. She was everything except from mother figure to her, but she wanted her to know the truth. She wanted to have a second chance with her daughters. She didn't want to lose them and she knew that because of Katya's video.

But the night didn't go as she had planned. Nikita now will learn the truth as well. She didn't know what to expect from her, too. Her relationship with Nikita was at least complicated. She had better chances than with Alex to make the things right, she knew that but she also knew that Nikita wasn't going to take well the truth. Alex had more reasons to hate her, not that Nikita didn't have a lot of them.

Beside everything, Amanda was now scared that her daughters will join forces again against her and it wasn't something that she could afford or handle. She couldn't let Alex betray her for one more time. No matter what, she had made herself clear, she had warned Alex. Her daughter or not, Alex wasn't going to double-cross her again or she would face the consequences.

" The truth is finally out. It is their choice now." Amanda said to herself and let herself to relax and get lost in her thoughts.

* * *

Nikita walked into their safehouse. As soon as she closed the door behind her, she heard Birkoff's anxious voice.

" Everything fine? How is Alex?" Birkoff asked worried.

Nikita looked at him with a confused gaze.

" Did you really have to kick her knees from behind? It seems that it hurt her." Michael added softly and moved closer to her placing his lips on hers.

" How..do you know?" Nikita asked shocked.

" Don't insult me like that." Birkoff retorted calmly.

Nikita laughed and sighed in relief. _Of course, Birkoff hacked the cameras_... Nikita thought.

" So..? Is Alex ok? She left the sight really upset after that guy tried to kill her." Michael repeated their previous question.

" No. She isn't ok. She thinks that she is a monster." Nikita replied sadly.

" What?" Birkoff gasped in surprise.

" You heard me, nerd. We tried to approach her with Amanda, she tried to push us away and when we insisted, she told us that we have created a monster and left." Nikita debriefed them with shaking voice. Alex's words had hurt her.

" You know that she doesn't mean it like that? Right? She doesn't blame you or anyone, she just doesn't like to kill people." Michael tried to comfort Nikita.

" And if my research is correct, this guy, Yuri, isn't just anyone. He was Alexandra's best friend before operation Pale Fire. She has killed a lot of person close to her the last days, she has the right to feel like shit." Birkoff added softly.

" I know. I know. It just hurts. Thinking that I played a part in creating that mess for her, hurts." Nikita explained.

" What are you doing here? Why you aren't trying to make her feel better?" Michael asked softly.

" She needs her time and beside that, she made me promise that I will read the letters before we talk again." Nikita replied.

" What letters?" Michael and Birkoff asked in union.

" I don't know. Alex said that Amanda had found some letters of my mother and Amanda brought them to me in exchange of Alex's life." Nikita explained the situation calmly.

" What are you doing talking to us? Go and read the letters!" Birkoff exclaimed in disbelief.

" I am a little anxious. I wanted to postpone it but I am busted now so I will go and read them." Nikita said and walked into her room.

She sat on her bed and with shaking hands she took out the 4 letters and opened the first one.

It was written the day of her first birthday.

_My dear daughter, _

_I might not know your name but I know what day is today. Today is your first birthday. I remember like if it was yesterday that day, the day that I held you in my arms. Your tiny fingers wrapped around my hand, your brown eyes looking at me with so much love and affection, your laugh when I tickled your tiny paws. I remember the smell of your body, your soft skin, your wonderful face. It hasn't passed a day that I don't think about you, that I don't think about what your life must be right now. I wonder if you still look like your grandparents or you started to remind something of me. Every single day of my life, I think of you. _

_I am really sorry that I am not with you this day, to celebrate with you, to hug you and tell you how much I love you. I couldn't fight my father, I was weak. I trusted you to my best friend, Carla. She betrayed me taking money from my father to keep your location a secret from me. I regret my choices every single day but I can't undo what it is already done. I just hope that Carla kept her promise and found a lovely house for you. I hope that you are growing up with people that care about you and love you._

_I don't know your name but I know your face and I know that you will always held a special place in my heart, my little princess, my little miracle. I wish you the very best, love, happiness, health. I wish you to have anything that you want, live a normal life, away from the pain and the sadness, grow up and become an amazing woman. I wish you to be loved and taken care of. I love you, my daughter, more than I can ever tell you, more than words can describe. I wish I could hold you in my arms one day and make you feel my love._

_I love you._

_Happy birthday,_

_your mother._

As soon as she finished the first letter, Nikita had tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe what she was reading. She was a litte confused about Carla but she knew that her mother loved her and that was enough for now. With shaking hands and blurry vision, she opened the next letter.

It was written the day of Alex's birthday.

_My dear daughter,_

_You must be a wonderful young girl by now. I hope that you have a wonderful life as I have always wished for you. I know that I haven't written anything to you for a very long time but I felt the urge to write to you again today. I thought of you every day, don't you ever doubt about that. Every single day I am thinking of you and I wanted to write to you but I didn't know what to write to you. I am ashamed of myself, if you knew, what I have become in my life, you would have hated me. I have hated myself but I am getting used to it. I am starting not to feel anything when I do what I do to other people. This is why I didn't write to you. I didn't know what to say to you. I have failed you, I have failed myself. I am trying to find you, all those years, I am trying to find a lead, I only want to know that you are happy and your name. I want to know your name. I am sorry, my dear daughter._

_Anyway, today, I found the courage to write to you. Today, you got a sister. A little wonderful baby girl. She doesn't look like you, her eyes are blue and she has more hairs than you but she is as beautiful as you are. _

_I love her, I really do, more than I could imagine and I forced myself to make the best choice for her. Or at least what I think that it is the best choice. I will give her to the wife of your father and she will present her as their daughter. I don't know if I made the right choice. Your father isn't a good man, he had turned into a very dark and evil person and his wife is a secret KGB agent. She will grow up living into a lie but at least she will grow up. _

_I can't keep her and risk her life. I am not any better than your father and my boss is a extremely dangerous person. If he knew about your sister, he would find a way to use her and then he would kill her. I can't risk her life. I have to save her from the world that I am living in. I don't know what else to do. At least, she will grow up in a family that would love her and care about her. She might grow up to be a ruthless person but I hope that she will find her way in the world. I trust her that she will keep her heart no matter what. I love her._

_Her fake mother gave me the chance to pick up her name. I would know her name. I won't think of a nameless face when I think of her, I will think about Alexandra. I want her to be strong and good and caring as Alexander the Great. She can achieve a lot of things in her life, she is born for great things, I can read it in her eyes. _

_If you read anything about Alexandra Udinov, you should know that she is your sister, your blood, another piece of my heart. If you ever meet her, you will love her, when you look her blue eyes, you will love her._

_Today Alexandra, your sister, was born. I thought that you should know._

_I love you my daughter,_

_Love, mom._

The letter fell from Nikita's hands that they were shaking uncontrolably. Did she just read that Alex was her biological sister? Unable to deal with this information right now, she decided to finish reading the letters so she opened the third.

It was written the night of operation Pale Fire.

_My dear daughter,_

_Please forgive me. I beg for your forgiveness. I know that I will never forgive myself but please, please find the power to forgive me. I know that I don't deserve it. I know that what I have become in my life will disgust you but please try to understand. Please try to forgive me._

_You should wonder what I did to ask for your forgiveness. Today I had your sister murdered. (**signs of tears on the letter)**._

_I was selfish, I know. I regretted it as soon as they reported me her death. I will be honest with you, my daughter, I could have saved her. I could have protected her but I chose not to. I couldn't live without knowing where she is. Not knowing where you are, is a constant torture, I couldn't live wihout knowing where she is, if she is ok or what she is doing. I know that I was selfish. I could have stopped it, I could have saved her, I could have asked my agent to go rogue, save my daughter and run but I couldn't live without knowing anything about her._

_You must wonder how could I have done this to my own daughter. To be honest, I don't know. I think that the years that I have spent selling my soul to the devil, torturing, killing and manipulating people had changed me. I am ruthless, coldblood, I don't care about anything or anyone. I use people. I torture them. I kill them. But it hurt me to have the power to stop it and just standing by as my agent took her life. I did only one thing, a little thing for my little Alexandra. I asked Nikita for that mission. I said to my boss that I wanted to eliminate any hint of humanity that she might have left but I lied. I know that Nikita is going to hate me, I have her killed a teenager but I did for Alexandra. Being selfish, I decided not to save her but I wanted her last sight of her life to be something gentle, lovely, caring, something human. I didn't want her to feel scared or afraid. I didn't want her to be killed from someone who didn't care. Nikita is still human, she still cares. She is at the same age as you. Her eyes are still in fire, she respects life and she wouldn't take one, especially so early, without remorse. Alex would feel safe in her arms, she will feel the warmth of human's contact. She would relax and she would surrender to death painless, fearless. It was the only thing that I wasn't selfish to do._

_My daughter, I beg you to forgive me. Please. I have regretted my choice. Please forgive me. I love you and your sister more than you can imagine. Please forgive. Don't make lose another daughter. Please. I hope that Alexandra would fing the strength to forgive me if I ever met her again. I ask you to find the strength to forgive me , too. I know that I will never find the strength to forgive myself._

_I love you and I always think of you._

_Love, mom._

Nikita was shaking. That wasn't happening! Her mind couldn't work. She couldn't process the new information. Alex was her sister and her mother was... no, it couldn't be.

Nikita with teary face, shaking hands and with a pained heart opened the last letter.

It was written the day that she had given herself up to Division.

_My dear daughter._

_I finally got to know your name, Nikita. I had you in my arms all this time..._

_I don't know what to say to you. I know that I am not the mother that you always wanted to know. I know that I have failed you. I know that you hate me. But I can't hate you. I never could. I always loved you and now I know why._

_I know that it isn't enough but this is only what I can say. I AM SORRY._

_With true love, your mother,_

_Amanda._

Nikita left a terryfying scream " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and fell on her knees sobbing and crying.

Michael and Birkoff came running into her room.

" Nikita?" They yelled in union and ran towards her, Michael wrapping his hands around her and trying to comfort her.

" What happened?" Birkoff asked worried.

" Alex...Alex... is my... sister." Nikita gasped through her sobbings.

" Nikita, we know that you see Alex as your sister, this isn't new." Michael replied calmly.

" No! I mean my sister... biological sister!" Nikita yelled frustated that they couldn't understand.

Michael and Birkoff stared at her with wide eyes.

" Who are your parents?" Birkoff broke the silence.

" I didn't understand who is the father. I am not sure. I will have to ask Alex." Nikita replied.

" What about your mother?" Michael asked softly.

Nikita started crying again shaking her head in denial.

" Nikita?" Michael asked worried.

" I can't... it can't..." Nikita whispered to herself trying to snap out of her shock.

Birkoff walked slowly towards Nikita and took the letter that she still hold in her hands. He read it and froze, his eyes widened in total shock and disbelief.

" Birkoff?" Michael asked trying to remain calmly.

Birkoff was in too much shock to reply him.

" Birkoff!" Michael shouted impatiently.

" Amanda." Birkoff whispered.

" What?" Michael asked confused. What Amanda had to do with any of that?

" Amanda is my mother. Amanda is Alex's mother. Amanda is our mother." Nikita yelled hysterically and buried herself into Michael's hug crying.


	43. too shocked to react

**Ok! here is the next chapter! I know that it is shorter than the others but I have a super busy week and I don't have a lot of time to type. Sorry for any mistakes but I am damn tired and sleepy right now. I hope that you like the chapter and really enjoy. Thanks everyone for your awesome reviews! You give me strength and courage to continue those weeks.**

Sean woke up and was confused when he found the bed empty next to him. Not knowing where Alex was, he went to search for her through her apartment. Soon, he found Alex standing next to a window, staring outside with an unreadable gaze. Still sleepy, he moved with slow steps towards Alex and hugged her from behind.

" My princess, what's wrong?" Sean asked and kissed softly Alex's soft skin on her neck.

Alex shook her head not wanting to talk about what troubled her mind. She couldn't sleep, her mind was travelling to Nikita. She didn't know how Nikita had reacted to the information and she didn't know how to handle the new information, too. Her relationship with Nikita was already complicated enough, they had just started to fix their problems and their new found relationship wasn't something easy to deal with.

" Come on, baby! Don't be sad! Tell me what is going on." Sean pressed Alex a little more.

" Amanda and Nikita..." Alex whispered. Her mind was divided between thoughts of Amanda and Nikita. She just wanted to shut her mind off. She wanted to wake up in the next morning and find out that it was a freaking nightmare. She wanted everything to come back to normal.

" Again? Come on, baby. You can't loose your sleep anymore. Nikita is safe and back in your arms and Amanda is on the lease and in a great mood towards you. Enjoy your little victory and offer yourself a good sleep by my side." Sean replied not knowing the new development and kissed her suggestively on her back.

" I don't mean that, Sean. My problem is bigger than a psychopath who likes to torture the hell out of me every time she has the chance and my broken relationship with my best friend." Alex retorted sadly.

" Then?" Sean asked curiously.

" You should better take a sit." Alex suggested and turned around to face Sean's questioning gaze.

" What you are going to shock me that much?" Sean joked.

Alex looked at him seriously.

" Do you want to put a bet?" Alex challenged him with a sad smile on her face. She didn't like what she was about to reveal to Sean, but if she could gain something through it then she was going to take full advantage of it.

" You have faith that you can shock me... Ok... challenge accepted." Sean said and smirked to her.

" So, what do I gain if I manage to shock you?" Alex said suggestively and leaned foward to kiss him.

" Foot massage..." Sean said smiling when Alex pulled away.

" Are you sure that you don't want to take a sit?" Alex asked one final time.

" Come on... just tell me...!" Sean replied impatiently.

" Fine. I warned you." Alex said.

" Amanda is Nikita's mother." Alex said quickly hoping that if she tells it quickly then the pain that she felt will pass away and that Sean won't be too shocked to learn the rest of the truth.

" What?" Sean gasped as his eyes grew wide and he had to hold himself on the wall in order not to collapse from the shock of what he had just heard.

" You must be kidding right?" Sean asked shocked.

" You won the bet, you can shock me... now tell me the truth... and stop playing pranks on me!" Sean said in denial.

" There are more, Sean. You better sit." Alex said seriously.

Sean this time didn't defy her and went to sit on the couch.

" Are you going to tell me the truth, now?" Sean asked trying to persuade himself that Alex had lied and she was joking.

" I wasn't joking, Sean. I want it to be a joke, too, but it isn't." Alex said sadly and sat beside him.

" So you want to tell me that Nikita is the daughter of her sworn enemy? Amanda, the Amanda that we all know is Nikita's mother?" Sean repeated trying to get in the new information.

" Yes and there are more." Alex replied sadly and patiently.

" More? I can't even process that and there are more?" Sean cried devastated.

" Nikita isn't the only daughter of Amanda." Alex started trying to bring up the subject more carefully not wanting to give Sean a heart attack.

" Nikita has a sister..." Sean said in understanding. After the last information, he thought that nothing could shock him anymore...he was wrong.

" Yes, she has..." Alex agreed unable to say the rest of the story.

" Who?" Sean asked the most obvious question. He didn't know that he was going to receive the least obvious answer.

" Me." Alex said and stared at Sean.

" Alex, we all know that Nikita is your sister... " Sean said his mind not working properly.

" I mean my biological sister, Sean." Alex cut him off.

Sean looked at her confused and then his face got pale and his eyes grew wide and he opened his mouth to say something but he closed it again not knowing what he wanted to say.

Alex stood up and walked to the kitchen.

" Water or something stronger?" Alex asked softly.

Sean tried to form any kind of words but failed.

" Something stronger..." Alex said to herself.

She served a glass of whisky to Sean and walked back to the couch. She handed the glass to him and he drank it in one second.

" You are Nikita's sister and Nikita is Amanda's daughter?" Sean asked again.

" Yeap.." Alex said calmly.

" Your father was a naughty man..." Sean tried to lighten the mood.

" Eh, Sean about that, I think that you have misunderstood something..." Alex said and paused. He took a deep breathe and looked at him.

" Katya isn't my birth mother." Alex said firmly with shaking voice.

" What?...Then who?... no no no... really?" Sean said unable to put his thoughts in line.

" Amanda?" Sean questioned softly.

Alex just nodded her head and a lone tear escaped her eyes.

Sean looked at her sadly and then leaned foward and kissed her. He pulled apart and he put her in his hug.

" I got you, my love. Always and forever. I got you." Sean said as he hugged her tighter.

After few minutes of silence, Sean spoke.

" Have you talked with Nikita?" Sean asked.

" No." Alex said with a tone that suggested that he should drop the subject and he understood her tone and he just hugged her as tight as he could, never letting her go.

* * *

**Two days later...**

" Nikki!" Birkoff shouted for sixth time looking for Nikita in their huge safehouse.

He got scared when he didn't get a response and he started running inside of the house opening and closing doors in the process.

When he entered the living room, he saw Nikita with red eyes in Michael's hug.

" What am I supposed to do?" Nikita questioned Michael.

" Start with not giving a heart attack to me!" Birkoff interrupted as he joined the others sitting on a chair opposite to the couch.

" Eh?" Nikita asked confused.

" I have been calling for you since ages." Birkoff explained calmly and gave her a reassuring smile.

" Oh. I am sorry, nerd. I was lost in my thoughts." Nikita replied sadly.

Birkoff glared at her trying to see through her walls.

" Have you talked with Alex?" Birkoff asked after a while.

Nikita instantly stressed up feeling uncomfortable with this topic.

" No." Nikita replied and looked down ashamed.

" Nikita..." Michael started. He thought that she had talked with Alex-her sister or whatever she thought of her.

" I know, I know. I will talk to her." Nikita replied defeated.

" She called to check up on you two days ago." Birkoff informed her.

Nikita remained silent.

" Nikita, why haven't you talked with her yet?" Michael asked confused.

" I don't know what to say to her! I don't know what to say to myself!" Nikita yelled as she stood up and walked away from the others.

" Did she know? All that time did she know who my parents were? Did she know that she is my sister? Did she keep it a secret?" Nikita asked sadly.

" No, she didn't know. She learnt it the same day that you did. And she doesn't know how to deal with that either." Birkoff replied seriously.

" How..?" Nikita trailed.

" She thought that you would like to know that and as she can't tell you herself, she told me to tell you if you ask..." Birkoff replied calmly and smiled to Nikita.

" I could have killed her that night... I would have killed my own sister! I have tortured her! I have destroyed her life! I have been shot by her. I don't know what to say to her... I don't know how to deal with everything... And I don't even dare to think about Amanda." Nikita said devastated.

" She is dealing with the same emotions, Nikita. And her position is even worse because she is actually has to see and talk and interact with Amanda every single day." Birkoff tried to reason Nikita.

" I don't know what to say to her." Nikita repeated devastated.

" Well, she said that when you are ready, you can always talk to her if you want. She doesn't want to press you. Take your time." Birkoff gave Nikita Alex's message.

Nikita nodded.

" But you better talk to her soon because Sean is having a difficult time handling her." Birkoff instructed her softly.

" I will. I promise!" Nikita promised and Birkoff sighed in relief.

" Anything else?" Nikita asked calmly.

" Yes. I have the location of the other black box. It is in Russia." Birkoff said seriously and proudly.

" Let's get started." Michael ordered and they all moved into their mini-operations.

**I really hope that you liked it and do review even if you hated it! So the fact that I can't update soon doesn't mean that I will let you with nothing... Just to have something to look foward... Percy is going to make an apperance in the next chapters out of his glass-cell and he is going to create some chaos as always... Goodnight guys!**


	44. in love with you

**ok, I know that this took extremely a lot of time to be updated and i am really sorry for that but exams don't let me any free time. I tried to give you a long chapter at least. Well, this chapter is a major Salex attack. I don't know what had gotten into me but I wanted to write something calm before the main storm. A lot of angst and drama is coming ahead so please enjoy the calmness before the storm.**

" Let's get started." Michael ordered and they all moved into their mini-operations.

* * *

Alex had just returned from her daily run and she found Sean on the kitchen baking some cookies. She smiled as the wonderful smell reached her nose and got rid off of her shoes. She ran towards Sean and kissed him passionetely.

" What are you doing?" Alex asked still smiling.

" You haven't forgotten what day is today, have you?" Sean retorted curiously.

" I don't know... what special has this day?" Alex teased him and went to grab a cookie but Sean stopped her.

" No before you tell me what day is today, super spy!" Sean said and blocked her way.

" Thursday, scout boy." Alex continued. She loved teasing Sean like that.

" Don't you love me at all?" Sean asked with a broken tone. He knew that Alex liked teasing but he wasn't going to back off so easily.

" I didn't know that you had this type of insecurity!" Alex exclaimed amused.

" I. Love. You." Alex said and took a step closer to Sean with every word that she spoke.

She leaned foward to kiss him and inches before her lips captured his, she grabbed a cookie and ran playfully away from Sean shouting " I got you!".

Sean laughed loudly with Alex's childish action. She loved her so much...

Alex took a bite of the cookie and smiled satisfied.

" I love you." Alex said speaking to her cookie and making fun of Sean.

" I will get jealous." Sean commented as he crossed his arms around his chest.

" So insecure..." Alex commented and walked towards Sean.

" Happy anniversary, Sean." Alex said and kissed him one more time.

Sean smiled and returned the kiss.

Alex moved away from Sean walking towards the bathroom when she started taking off of her clothes.

" Do you want to join me?" Alex asked seductively before she got disappeared into the bathroom.

Sean took a deep breathe and followed her without hesitation removing his clothes in the process.

After one hour, Alex and Sean came out of the bathroom both with a huge smile on their faces.

" Want to try other rooms of this wonderful apartment?" Sean whispered into Alex's ear and then he licked her neck seductively making Alex want more of him.

Alex sighed sadly and turned to look at him.

" You know that there isn't anything in this world that I want more than to spend my whole day with you, in your arms, right?" Alex asked softly.

Sean sighed defeated. He knew that he couldn't expect that. Alex's life was so crazy and he knew that she didn't have even one day for herself.

" I know." Sean replied and kissed her.

" Who is going to steal my girlfriend from my hug this time?" Sean asked.

" Amanda." Alex replied harsh. After she learnt the truth, she didn't want to talk about Amanda at all. She didn't know how to react. She was confused and hurt and she felt lost. The only thing that she didn't need right now, was a new found relationship with Amanda. She was just too shocked to react.

" Are you going to take a leave?" Sean asked calmly as he held Alex tighter in his hug.

" Yeah. I need time away and most importantly I need to pay a visit to Russia and to the girls." Alex said sadly and looked away. She didn't feel well when she was talking about Phoenix. She didn't like this persona. She didn't like that act. She hated that part of her, she hated what she was doing, she hated what she was capable of. She didn't want to be that person anymore. She didn't want to be the cause of the pain. She wanted all this madness to end as soon as possible.

" I love you." Sean said understanding Alex's thoughts. He was determined not to let Alex hate herself for that, he was determined to give Alex all of his love and help her go through this, he was determined to never let her forget who she really was or why she was doing what she did. He was determined to stay by her side no matter what.

" I love you, too. Never forget that." Alex replied and smiled before she pulled away and started dressing herself for her meeting with Amanda. Amanda had called her in and she didn't know why. They hadn't talked about the incident in the ground garage and Alex didn't know for how long she is going to avoid this conversation.

" When are you going back to Division?" Alex asked as she chose a tank to wear.

" My leave ends tomorrow." Sean replied and sat on her bed and watched Alex preparing herself.

" Have you talked with Nikita?" Sean asked after some minutes of comfortable silence.

" No." Alex replied with a tone that implied that she didn't want to talk about it.

Sean stood up and moved closer to Alex as she was fixing her make up.

" Alex.." Sean started trying to comfort her. He could understand that Nikita was in too much shock to react but she was hurting Alex even if Alex didn't want to admit it.

" She has every right to not want to talk to me right now. She will make contact when she wants to. I am not going to press her. " Alex said sadly.

" Can we change subject, please?" Alex asked softly.

" Sure. I will wait for you at 7.00." Sean said firmly.

" What do you have in mind, mister mystery?" Alex asked curiously.

" You will have to wait and see, miss curious." Sean replied.

" I don't like surprises." Alex sighed defeated.

" I will take my chances." Sean replied.

Alex smiled and kissed him. Sean returned the kiss and pulled her closer.

" I have to go." Alex gasped and unwillingly she pulled herself apart.

" Happy annirvesary, baby. See you at 7." Alex commented and sadly she left the house.

Alex drove to Division, lost in her thoughts and after some time and before she could think about it, she found herself to Division. She hated this place so much. She wanted everything to end. She was so close to achieve her goal, so close but so far at the same time. Amanda wasn't an opponent that she could underestimate, she had to play her cards wisely, she needed to think not one but ten steps ahead if she wanted to survive.

She sighed and she stepped out of her car. She made her way towards Amanda's office stopping some times to greet the agents or talk with the recruits that eagerly greeted her. The recruits and the agents liked Alex much more than Amanda, they felt safe and protected with Alex because they knew that she didn't look at them like if they were pawns in a chess game but she thought of them as human beings. Finally, she was outside of Amanda's office.

She was about to knock the door when the door opened from the inside and a yound recruit left Amanda's room with red teary eyes. Alex stopped her and had a look at her.

" Jeanne, are you ok?" Alex asked worried.

" I-I think so.." Jeanne replied with trempling voice.

" Why were you crying?" Alex asked pressing the younger girl to open up.

" Please, Alex..." Jeanne pleaded and looked at Alex with a pained gaze.

Alex sighed defeated, she knew that she could have her answers from Amanda and she could understand that the girl didn't want to get in trouble.

" You know my number and my office. My door is always open for you whenever you need it." Alex said quietly and let the girl to leave.

She took a deep breathe and knocked the door.

" Come in." Amanda's cold voice replied from inside.

Alex opened the door and stepped into Amanda's office. Her gaze unreadable, her face a perfect mask of deadly calmness. Alex had mastered how to hide her feelings, how to put a mask on her face and hide the tornado that went on inside her.

" What happened with Jeanne?" Alex asked with a cold tone.

Amanda smiled when she saw Alex's figure entering her office but her smiled quickly faded hearing Alex's question. She gestured to her to have a sit and her calculating mind started to study every movement of Alex's body.

She stayed silent staring at Alex.

" I still want an answer, Amanda." Alex insisted.

" This is what is going to happen now? The recruits will come to you when they have trouble dealing with me?" Amanda asked seriously.

" She didn't come to me, Amanda. They don't want to mess the things up with you unless there is a huge problem." Alex replied in the same tone with Amanda.

" But you wouldn't have problem if they came to you, would you?" Amanda asked calmly.

" No. I wouldn't mind. But I don't think that we have a recruit so brave or stupid to go against you like that." Alex answered calmly.

" Except from you." Amanda commented and smiled proudly to Alex. She was proud of her that she had the balls to betray her and try to take Division down, she was proud of her daughter that she had managed to win her in her own game, that she had managed to keep her cover for so long.

" Don't turn the conversation into me. What happened with Jeanne?" Alex said firmly not liking the turn that the conversation had taken. The last things that she wanted was a replay of her past actions against Amanda that it might make Amanda realise that the history is about to repeat itself.

Amanda sighed defeated. Alex was too stubborn to let it go.

" Establishing romantic relationship with agent Vauch." Amanda replied.

" And?" Alex asked harsh. She knew Amanda's rules but she didn't agree with them and she wasn't going to let Amanda murder a man just because he fell in love.

" And.. you know the rules. Agent Vauch will be cancelled." Amanda replied coldly.

" Agent Vauch won't be cancelled. Both agent Vauch and recruit Jeanne will get a meeting with you explaining that their relationship can compromise their status and put them in risk. You will talk to them and you will let them live their love. And if a problem comes up, we will deal with that then." Alex retorted seriously.

" We don't want more Nikitas in this facility. Love can only complicate the things in our business. I don't want one of them to get killed and the other turns against us!" Amanda argued.

" Love is part of the human nature. If you don't want that, then make it sure that we are not going to accept that in your next meeting with both of them. Cancellations are under my control, Amanda and I am not cancelling anyone just because he or she fell in love. You will meet them tomorrow at 10 in the morning. End of discussion." Alex said firmly not leaving to Amanda any chance to argue with her.

" Now, why did you call me here?" Alex changed the subject quickly.

" I think that we just discussed the main reason and I wanted to talk about your little trip." Amanda said softly and gained a nod from Alex.

" I am leaving tomorrow morning. I will come back as soon as I check my businesses in Russia. I don't think that there is a problem with that, right?" Alex replied.

" No. You need a leave anyway, this month you have turned into a permanent guest of the medical. Be careful in Russia." Amanda commented softly not wanting to fight with Alex.

" Then I guess that we are done." Alex replied ignoring Amanda's comment and stood up and started walking away.

" You can't avoid me forever." Amanda mentioned calmly.

Alex froze and turned around to face Amanda.

" Excuse me?" Alex asked curiously.

" For how long do you think that you can avoid talking about our issue? For how long can you act like nothing happened between us? Like you are not my daughter and I am not your mother?" Amanda asked quietly but firmly. If Alex didn't want to bring that topic up, then she was going to bring it up. She had given Alex a lot of time without bothering her but she needed to know what their relationship was, what Alex was thinking of her.

" I am not avoiding anything, Amanda. We have nothing to talk about. You gave birth to me, nothing more, nothing else. What do you expect from me?" Alex replied not knowing what else to do. She still didn't know how she felt about everything.

" Nothing changed?" Amanda asked a little pain obvious in her pain.

" If it hasn't changed for you, why should something change from my side?" Alex returned the question.

" Alex..." Amanda started but she didn't manage to finish her sentence.

" Save it. Your fingerprints on my gunshot wound say enough for both of us." Alex cut her off.

Amanda looked at her in understanding.

" I understand that you are hurt and I understand that I have done a lot of unforgivable things to you but I do care about you, Alex, and I don't want to continue like that with you. I don't want to keep hurting you." Amanda said.

" But you will do it again if something goes wrong." Alex added.

" Just don't betray me again. I won't forgive you then. I won't be able to control myself." Amanda said and it was obvious from her tone that in reality she was pleading Alex to stay loyal to her and not betray her, not make her a monster again.

" As long as I am on your side, I am safe. Message received." Alex summed it up and turned around and left leaving a stunned Amanda.

" Why does she always have to choose the difficult way?" Amanda asked a little amused with Alex. She liked it, she liked that she had to try hard to gain her trust, her loyalty. She liked that she needed to try to make Alex let her in. She liked that Alex was so strong.

* * *

Meanwhile...

" You can still change sides, William. I will forgive you if you join me, now." Percy said to his guard.

" Shut up, Percy and enjoy your glass cell." William repied harsh.

" For a few more days." Percy whispered to himself smiling.

* * *

Unknown location...

" We just got confirmation. The beast is ready to reunite with the upper world." someone said.

" Check in with Roan. Exctraction in 35 hours." someone else replied.

* * *

Alex moved through the halls and she finally found Jeanne's recruit room. She knocked the door and opened it.

She found Jeanne crying on her bed. Jeanne turned around to look at the uninvited visitor.

" Alex." Jeanne said and sat up straight wiping her tears.

" Agent Vauch won't be cancelled. You both have a meeting with Amanda, tomorrow morning at 10. Don't make me regret my choices." Alex said and left the room before Jeanned could say anything. She didn't have time to wait for an answer, she was about to be late for her meeting with Sean if she didn't leave Division asap.

Jeanne stood frozen looking at the door, where Alex was standing few seconds ago. Tears of joy started running down her face.

" Thank you, Alex." Jeanne whispered to the air.

* * *

Alex with guick pace left Division and driving on the spreed limit, she went to visit Sean at her house. She reached just in time and she found Sean resting himself on his car and waiting patiently for her.

" Don't say anything. It is 6.55. I wasn't late this time." Alex said quickly before Sean could even open his mouth to say anything.

" I wasn't going to say anything. You are on time." Sean defended himself still smiling.

" Are we clear?" Alex asked and pointed to the traffic cameras.

" Yep. Birkoff took care of it." Sean replied and pulled Alex close to him and kissed her softly.

" Ready for a little trip?" Sean asked when they tore apart with a seducive smile on his face. Alex looked at him curiously. She didn't like surprises. Her life had a lot of unexpected turns as it was and she wanted to have complete control of as many things as she could.

" Trust me." Sean said firmly sensing Alex's hesitance and went to open the door of the passenger side. Alex sighed defeated and got into the car. Sean ran on the driver's side and got in quickly and started the car.

They drove in silence for few minutes enjoying each other's company.

" How was your meeting with Amanda?" Sean asked trying to make Alex let it out. She didn't want Alex to be angry when they reached their final destination.

" I guess that it could have been even worse. I don't know... Let's not talk about Amanda or Nikita or anyone. This night belongs to us... Please... I need you and only you right now." Alex replied honestly.

Sean smiled at her accepting her request.

" Where are we going?" Alex asked nervously.

" You will see." Sean replied smiling.

" Sean, my jet leaves tomorrow early at morning, please tell me that you don't plan to drive the whole country!" Alex pleaded worried.

" Alex, relax!" Sean said amused. He liked it when Alex was going into nervous mode.

" The jet leaves at 6 a.m., I have to be to the airport at 5 a.m. and I have to prepare my packages and that means that..." Alex started calculating her program. She was cut off when Sean pushed a cookie into her mouth.

" Eat the cookie and relax. I have the bags prepared for you and you will be to the airport at 5a.m. Stop worrying and enjoy the ride." Sean ordered firmly and Alex nodded unable to form any kind of words.

They drove in silence for half more hour. Alex was resting her head on the window letting her mind travel away from her troubled reality. She didn't want to think about anything. She just wanted to spend the night with Sean.

Sean was lost in his thoughts, too. He was anxious about the night, he wanted to provide to Alex everything, he wanted to give her his heart. He wanted their anniversary to be awesome, a night that Alex would remember for the rest of her life, a night that would force Alex to forget her reality and her problems.

Suddenly, the car came to a stop. Alex looked around and she noticed that they were in a isolated beach. There was nothing near by, no lights, no restaurants, no bars, nothing. Sean immediately ran out of the car and opened Alex's door as a great gentleman.

" Where are we?" Alex asked curiously and accepted Sean's help.

" There." Sean said pointing towards the beach.

Alex's eyes grew wide and filled with tears. She was at least moved. In the distance, it was obvious a path on the sand made from roses and candles.

" Happy anniversary, Alex!" Sean said and kissed Alex softly.

Then, he took her hand and walked towards their destination. They walked together the hand-made path and they ended in a table with dinner already served.

" Sean.." Alex tried to say but she was too moved and shocked to find proper words.

" My princess, your dinner is ready." Sean said smiling.

Alex looked at him with watery eyes and after a while she leaned fowards capturing his lips.

" Thank you." Alex whispered when they pulled apart.

" My pleasure... Are you ready to enjoy my cooking skills?" Sean asked his smile never leaving his face.

" You cooked all of that?" Alex asked surprised and took a sit looking around at the variety of dishes.

" Why do you think that I took a leave today, baby?" Sean replied amused and went to sit opposite of Alex.

" You spend your whole day cooking?" Alex asked in disbelief.

" Cooking and preparing the path with the roses." Sean reassured.

" I love you, Sean." Alex replied.

" I love you, too, Alexandra." Sean retorted honestly.

The couple enjoyed their time together as they should, some hours of pure heaven was exactly what Alex and her shattered soul needed. After their wonderful meal, Sean decided to take Alex for a walk on the beach. Alex took out her shoes and she let the sea touch her paws.

" What is this place, Sean?" Alex asked quietly when she sat down by the sea, listening to the wind and to the waves.

Sean joined her and took her in his hug.

" When I was young, my father used to take me here... He shared his memories with me, we just sit down on the sand, staring at the night sky and the stars and we kept talking and talking and talking..." Sean said and smiled.

Alex smiled in his hug. He loved Sean so much. She was glad that Sean was feeling safe enough to share those memories with her.

" One night, I asked him, how he knew that mom was the one for him. He looked me and he told me that when I find someone that I would love to look at her more than the night sky, then I was never supposed to let her go. When I found a woman that I could get lost in her gaze, that I would give my life for her, that I could not imagine my life without her then I was finally with someone who had stolen my heart forever..." Sean said looking at Alex and lost in his thoughts.

" And I know what he meant... now I know.. Because I have found this woman and I hold her in my arms right now... I know that it is soon but I love you, Alex, I love you more than you can imagine and I will never leave your side... I am not going to press you, I understand that you want time, that you don't feel safe after everything, I know that it is too soon, but I want you to know that I love you..." Sean said seriously.

" I love you, too, Sean." Alex said with tears in her eyes and turned around to kiss Sean.

Sean returned the kiss and slowly he placed Alex's body on the sand and climbed on top of her. With slow but sure movements, he kissed her tears away.

" I love you" Sean kept whispering to Alex as he examined her body and her face one more time...

**I hope that you can imagine what happened between alex and sean for the next couple ( or more) of hours. I hope you enjoyed the chapter and please review!**


End file.
